16/06/2011 - The birth of Isla-Mae
I'm sure I'll come back and add more detail, but here's what I've got so far...enjoy!
I guess the best place to start is the begging of the day on my due date, the 15th June. I woke up feeling excited and amazed that I had done it, I'd made it to 40 weeks pregnant!! Honestly though, I didn't feel any different or special, I certainly didn't have a 'feeling' that today would be the day at that point, or anything like that. I'd been having some pre-labour for a few weeks now, just some small cramps and BH's for a few hours each night or if I did too much that day. I actually really enjoyed the pre-labour, it gave me a sense that my body was working well and efficiently. I'd spend my evenings with DH, bouncing and rolling on my fitball, watching MasterChef and drinking RLT from my favourite big yellow mug. I also started taking EPO at about 37ish weeks, inserting two and taking two orally. I can honestly say that the EPO and RLT was worth it's weight in gold, so much of my labour can be attributed to taking them!
The whole pregnancy I had really gone off DTD, much to my extreme disappointment (and DH's lol!) Although my pregnancy was such an intimate time for us, we rarely actually DTD. So when I suddenly got my mojo back 3 days before my EDD, we were both pleasantly surprised. It gave me really strong cramps for hours afterwards, it was so exciting to feel the difference in intensity between those ones and my weaker pre-labour ones. So on the morning of my EDD I told DH that I'd really like to spend one full, relaxing day in bed; reading together, making love, burning my lavender oil and just enjoying life, and that we did :) It was a gorgeous, calming way to spend what would be our last day together as just Him and I.
At about 4, DH realised that he'd better get up and get ready for work! He works night shifts, 5-9. We had decided that if I went into labour while he was at work, I'd let him know, by likely not call him home, because afterall, it was my first labour, surely we'd have hours! At about 4.45pm I got up to go to the loo. I wipe, and a big glob of mucous landed on my hand. My reaction was somewhere between EW and YAY! I did have a nice close look at it, I admit. I jumped back into bed with a big grin on my face. I now knew it, I'd be having a baby in the next few days, maybe even sooner! I grabbed my phone and posted on BB and my belly buddies FB group with some updates and questions about losing my plug. I even joked about having my bubba on a full moon, and I'd done the same with mum earlier that day. At 5pm, I had a very strong cramp. I'd read about contractions and what to look for, and what I was experiencing didn't really match what I'd read, it didn't really radiate all the way up my belly, more just stayed very very low, and my belly would get so tight. I lay there and closed my eyes and felt it's pressure. Felt good! About 7 minutes later, I noticed it again. The pain would last about 1 minute. Then 7 minutes later, another one. And 7 minutes later, another. Holy crap, I might just be in labour! I downloaded a contraction timer and tried to chill out and relax, as I knew if this was it, I'd need my rest and energy for later.
I gave my mum a call at around this stage, just to let her know that it looked like I might be in labour. We chatted for a bit and I said I'd let her know if things developed further. By this stage my contractions were still about 6-7 minutes apart, but when I spoke to mum, they tapered off, same as if I got up for the toilet or anything else, then they'd fall back to 15 minutes apart, or they'd get really sporadic, one after 15 mins, then after 3, then 7, then 5 etc. Eventually, if I lay down in bed, they'd even out again, although they stayed pretty consistent at 1 minute in length. Because they so easily got derailed, I thought I must only be in very early labour...I think I might have been in a bit of denial lol! At about 7pm Ben took his break and gave me a call. Contractions had been getting pretty ouchy by then, but again, being on the phone made them taper off a bit, so I told him it'd be fine to stay at work, he only had two hours to go...what's going to happen on two hours?? Oh, and I asked him to bring home some Hungry Jacks for me as I was majorly craving a Whopper! It was around here somewhere that I texted our doula, C, to let her know what was happening. She also suggested just resting, and that I probably had a while to go.
After speaking to Ben, I decided to get these contractions regular no matter what I was doing or where I was, so I grabbed the fitball and the heater and set up in our little bedroom. The rest of the flat was a mess...I think Ben and I both thought that I'd go longer than my EDD, and we'd have time to do all the piles of washing on the ground, do the dishes in the sink etc. I also made a pot of RLT and put the oil burner back on. I hovered around BB, posting and getting excited. I was starting to need to really lean and breathe when a contraction hit, although by this stage my belly didn't really go soft at all between contractions, and sitting up it was hard to tell if they were regular. I'd stopped timing them by now, because I figured Ben could do that when he got home. So I hopped back into bed, it was about 9-9.30pm, where they once again ramped up and got regular again...about 5 mins apart at this stage. Then, I started to get a much stronger contraction, so I got up on my hands and knees and just rocked a little, when...POP! I was thinking, wtf was that? Could it be my waters? Nahhh. Nothing came out, but then, another pop and I hopped off the bed just in time to feel some warm liquid running into my undies (thank goodness I was already wearing a pad!). Waddled to the bathroom as quickly as I could, sat down on the loo and GUSH. I was pretty relieved to have just contained everything to the toilet, the toilet floor and my undies. But. Then I looked down, and that's where things started to turn a bit for me. I think of this stage as my crisis of confidence, although looking back on it, in glad I lost control the way I did, otherwise I don't think I would have shown myself how to bring it all back. Anyway.
Brown. Green. F*ck. Meconium. I felt my heart just drop looking at that mec. I tried to reason that maybe it's not mec, but I knew I was kidding myself. I sat on the toilet and fought back tears. No Homebirth for us. All my hopes for this birth, gone down the loo with my baby's mucky water. I was going to be sliced, diced and quartered. And then it hit me. Who cares if I am going to hospital, what if my baby isn't okay??! I was hit with a wall of fear, followed (maybe not so coincidentally) by a contraction. A real, eff off type contraction, made out of adrenaline and fear. Which scared me even more. Not good. First person I called was Ben. He was amazing, calmed me down a bit and told me it would be okay, and he'd be home soon. Then I called our doula. I'll say this, every woman needs a doula. I can't thank C enough for her advice and guidance. Then I called the hospital to let them know what had happened, and to ask them wtf to do. The number was the mobile number that usually goes through to one of our two midwives, Sue or Susan. But neither of them answered. I was far too distracted to really care though, although I didn't catch this other midwives name at the time, just that she was covering for them tonight. I told her what had happened (all still on the toilet) and had a little cry. She was so lovely and reassuring, and told me to pop another pad on and call back in 30 mins to let her know what colour my waters were. My contractions had really heated up by this stage, I couldn't talk during them and was starting to moan a little. I finished up with the midwife (Veronica) and put a new pad on. Called mum, let her know what was happening. I grabbed a towel and sat in the loungeroom, when another massive gush happened. I jumped back up and got back on the loo. Still greeny brown. Damn. So I called Veronica back and she said yep, you'll need to come in. We decided ambulance would be the best way to transfer, as C was too far off to pick us up (we don't have a car) and Veronica was a bit concerned about how strong and close together my contractions were. After that second gush, they became huge. Veronica was lovely and promised me that I wouldn't be stuck on a constant monitor, that I could use the shower etc etc...the doula in me had immediately kicked in and let her know under no circumstances are they to have the idea that I'd be labouring in bed!
Ben got home (HJ's in hand, I remember a part of me was sad that I wouldn't be able to eat it lol!) and was amazing. He just did everything. We didn't have a bag packed, so from the toilet I directed him. He also got onto the ambulance while grabbing stuff for the bag. I think the ambo guy sounded a bit concerned with how loud and close my contractions were too, because I was told to get off the loo and lie on the bed, on my back. God, that was agony!! Ben was just incredible though, although he wanted to hug and touch me lots, to reassure me, but it was almost unbearable to have anyone near me. So he got yelled at a little as fear quelled inside of me. I was SO relieved when the ambulance arrived. It was two women, one was Emma and I can't remember the other (she drove, so Ben remembers her better). When they came in, I apologised for the messy flat haha! Emma was lovely and helped me down the stairs while Ben gave our kitty some food and locked up. We live in a third floor flat, so having contractions trying to get down the stairwell was...erm, interesting. Finally we were in the ambulance. Emma offered me a little green stick, it looked kind of like a pen. Drugs. Omg nom nom nom, gimme! I did feel pretty crappy about it, and when Ben got in the front he asked me a few times if I was sure, asked what it was, how it worked etc. We decided that I wasn't handling things, especially not in a loud, bright ambulance while I was so scared, so I took it. Omg what a laugh! It didn't really touch even the sides of the pain, but it did give me the chance to relax a bit and chill in the short space between my contractions. Pretty much I just got stoned! I even made a few in-jokes to Ben and had Emma and the other ambo cracking up. Ahh, drugs lol. The novelty of the gas very quickly wore off though, and by the time I reached the hospital, I'd was not coping well. I was wheeled up to birthing, omg it was terrible being on my back, even my side was bad. Things get a bit hazy here for a while, this was the peak of my crisis.
We got into our room (which was really quite nice, I noticed later) and I had to get from the gurney to the bed. A midwife had come in at this point, and started telling us that she needed to put a monitor on me (which was fine) and to lie on my back so she can get me strapped down. Ha! Not likely. I asked that she get a monitor that can be mobile, and she really didn't look too pleased. I remember her saying "Look, we need to make sure your baby is okay!" Niiice. Well DH and I weren't having a bar of that, ugh, her tone was just so condescending. But whatever, I hopped on the bed at the end of a contraction and let her hook the monitor up. I managed to stay on the bed for one contraction so she could get her reading, and as soon as I saw she had I jumped back up, which screwed up the trace and made the midwife even grumpier. Pfft, I really could have cared less. She would have been happy to keep me on my back the whole way through. I could not WAIT for a HB midwife to arrive! I jumped off that bed and jogged around the room a bit, shaking my bum and trying to loosen my body up. I was so tense and yes, I was still quite scared...not that the baby was not okay, but I was scared to be in the hospital. And truthfully, I was scared of how much I had lost my focus, I could feel all that awful adrenaline pumping through me. This is when the biitchy midwife started telling me I was being too noisy and that I'd scare people. If I wasn't so distracted I would have laughed in her face. I don't remember a lot of this time, or what DH was doing. Ben told me later that this time was so hard for him, and that he'd actually cried. I really thought my world was going to crumble with each contraction. I am ashamed to say, despite my better knowledge, I fought them. Around the time we arrived, I agreed to be checked for dilation, because I'd been feeling a bit pushy in the ambulance (turned out to be a fart lol!) and I was 6cm. This was about 2 hours in to established labour.
An then our angels arrived, Veronica and C. Joy! Veronica got rid of the other midwife and almost instantly, there was a sense of peace. C turned most of the lights off, Veronica got the shower going. DH got me ice water. Bliss! I was still pretty out of control, I hadn't been working with my contractions, so I hadn't worked out a good way to deal with each one. At one stage I noticed someone had left a pen on the bed, so ofcorse I decide to viciously stab the bed with it! Luckily, the bed remained unharmed. I also recall getting down on my hands and knees during a contraction, realising I was screwed down there without anything to lean on, trying to stand back up, and not being able to. As my contraction peaked, I did the only logical thing at the time...and rolled! LMAO!! I must have looked like a dog with fleas! At this stage I asked for the shower, so we made our way slowly to the bathroom. Oh man, what bliss. One stream on my belly, one on my back. For a while there my contractions felt almost non existent! Later Ben told me I'd gotten everyone wet because I let the stream wander. Oops! After about 30 minutes in the shower I'd had enough. I'd dehydrated myself and was losing my little focus I'd gained in there. We went back into the main part of the room, and then, I was presented with my birthing tool of choice...a fitball!!
My fitball at home had been my saviour through the pregnancy, when I was uncomfy or having back issues, I'd get on the floor, lean over it and rock. And that's exactly what I did during labour. A foam mat was put down, and I leaned over that ball and buried my face into it's rubbery surface. Finally, I had found a way to focus. I can't say how long I stayed there, but from this point on I barely opened my eyes. DH had found his stride also, offering me ice water or ice chips (which were ice blocks, but he took the whole jug and crunched them up to bite sized pieces...I loved him for that!), as well as verbally encouraging me every now and then. That was honestly all I needed from him. We both thought I'd want a lot more physical support, but I found I hated being touched in labour, anyone who dared come to close got lost pretty fast! I hardly spoke during labour, pretty much everything was 'more', 'stop', 'don't' and 'water'.
After a while, I was totally in the zone. It was amazing! As each contraction came over me, it felt more like a gentle ocean wave than a bulldozer. I found breathing was the best form of 'relief', and as each contraction engulfed me, I focused all my efforts on keeping my breathing deep, low and calm. Veronica said after that at some points, it was difficult to tell when exactly I was having a contraction. Eventually though, I needed a safe, private little cave, so we moved into the bathroom again and set up in there. All the lights were off bar a bedside lamp in the other room. The bathroom was dark, cool and small. I continued to labour peacefully, only lifting my head once or twice to see Ben sitting on the toilet watching me with the sweetest smile on his face. Those moments were beautiful, the love and excitement in the room was palatable. Ben took some audio of this time and listening to it, I can't believe it's a recording of a woman in labour! It was very peaceful, even if I was screaming on the inside. between contractions I felt stoned on hormones, at some points I was nearly going to sleep! That was a gorgeous time in my labour, just so peaceful and tranquil. It still hurt like a MOFO mind, but I was so focused and surrounded by such love, that it didn't matter, I *knew* I could do it.
After a while, things just felt...different. I felt open and I felt ready. The contractions were also coming on top of each other now. C suggested I get up off the floor and onto the toilet, which I was reluctant to do. Every time I moved from a position, the next few contractions would nearly send me over the edge, until I was able to centre myself again. But I did move to the toilet. I was having a lot of bloody show now, and I kind of just knew that I was almost fully dilated. The contractions on the toilet were by far the most painful. I transitioned by chanting and slapping my legs in this kind of rhythmic tribal way. Again, DH took audio of it, and it's fantastic to listen to. I pretty much chanted my way through transition, not breaking my hum or thigh slapping. Then things shifted again. I felt like pushing. Omg, the end was in sight! The feeling of needing to push kind of gave me a new wave of energy, and it gave me a rock solid purpose...to push! I got off the toilet and back on my hands and knees over the fitball and did a few practice pushes and just paced myself. Slowly, I could feel her descending. I tried to push only during a contraction, and never full on. I think I apologised as I started to poo lol! More bloody show came away, and I felt more than just poo coming out...haemorrhoids, ouch! (Incidentally, they were probably the hardest part of my recovery!) After a while pushing, C got me onto the stool for a bit, just to get Isla around the bend. DH sat behind me on the toilet and supported me, muzzled into my neck and whispered how well I was doing in my ear...and just generally cuddled me and made me feel awesome and powerful and beautiful. After making sure nobody touched me and keeping DH at a distance, it was a nice moment for both of us.
A few contractions on the stool and I was ready to go back to my trusty fitball. Veronica could see her head now, and I'll never forget the excitement in Ben's voice when he was shown. A few times I reached down and touched her head. Wow! That was one of the most amazing feelings in the world! This whole time, C and Veronica really stepped right back and let DH and I do our own thing, which I was so grateful for! Eventually, Isla's head would atop slipping back up and stay put. Then I felt it, that ring of fire. Holy crap that hurt. Still, I loves pushing, far far more than the contractions and labouring stage. Pushing was fulfilling and awesome in the truest sense of the word. Veronica encouraged me to breathe her out, seeing as I had been so quiet and focused so far, using only deep heavy breathing etc, so she thought I could do it. I think I said at some stage that I didn't think I could, but by the next contraction, I didn't push. I just breathed slowly, and deeply, and I felt my body take over. Veronica got out of the way and Ben got into position and guided her head out. I waited for the next contraction, and Isla was both hiccuping and kicking me on the inside. That felt weird! One more contraction, and I felt the biggest gooey rush as she left my body, into her Daddy's arms. God, is there any feeling better than when they slip out?! Ben places her on the floor and passed her between my legs, and we had out very first cuddle, on the floor in the bathroom. Our gorgeous, happy little family! She was very crackley in her chest, so after about one minute we clamped and cut the cord (DH again) so she could have a bit of a check up, which they did while Isla had skin to skin with Dad while I jumped in bed. We then had our first breastfeed.
I cannot even begin to put into words how fantastic our birth was. At first I was so disappointed to transfer to hospital. But I have zero regrets with our experience. It was natural, peaceful, profound and empowering, for both DH and myself. I even appreciate the fact that I had such a crisis of confidence, and that I lost control. It taught me more about myself than I've learned in my life so far, those few hours of chaos. And when I calmed myself and found my centre, I felt an even stronger sense of achievement because of it. I don't even regret the gas I had - although I know that my birth cannot be described as technically natural, to me OT was perfect, even the stuff in the ambulance.
I can't remember all of Isla's details (they're written down somewhere!) but what I do know:
- 6 hours established labour.
- Born at 3.35am on the full moon, and just before an eclipse.
- Weighed 8lb9oz.
- Apgars 8 & 9
Oh, and I had a physiological 3rd stage, although I was such a sook...begging for some Panadol lol!!! The placenta was out in a matter of minutes, I was just such a wimp!
All in all, I loved giving birth. My body showed me that it is efficient and skilled at birthing. I trusted my body, I listened to it and ultimately, I worked with it to achieve what I so wanted; a natural, empowering, joyous and profound birth :)
