Homebirth at age 43!

I never thought that this would be me!

4 years ago my three daughters starting saying "mummy please can we have another baby?" dh and I were clucky too so we started trying.

we had a miscarriage at 11 weeks which was such a bittersweet journey for us all.

when i realised i was pregnant again i was so guarded. I never really allowed myself to fully enjoy and embrace the pregnancy - i was guarding my heart against the pain of loss. I remember thinking "I won't fully relax until i have a live baby in my arms." Late into the pregnancy i found i was still holding on to fear. As a 4th time homebirther and mature woman of 43, and after supporting nearly 100 other women through birth as a doula, you'd thing I'd have it together a tad more, wouldn't you? But no, i was as vulnerable as any woman is when she goes through birth.

I became aware of the fact that i was holding on to fear related to the miscarriage. Deep down inside I started mentioning this to God in my thoughts and prayers (I'm a Christian, this is just something that's normal to me.) People starting sending me Blessingway messages, little notes written in cards and letters, which I started pinning up on my board in my birth corner. Again and again they were sharing verses from the Bible about fear - do not fear, i am with you, I will help you, my love will drive away all the fear, that kind of thing.

Finally at about 39 weeks it occured to me that if God was sending me all these messages about 'do not fear' surely that would mean I don't have anything to be scared of!

I really needed this reassurance.

I had a beautiful blessingway at 30 weeks. I had a massage, a footbath in fragrant herbs, and the women gave me blessingway beads and candles. My lovely 12 yo daughter painted the most amazing henna design on my tummy. Flowers in my hair. Everything this aging hippy child could want ;)

at exactly 40 weeks on the dot, I noticed some cramps happening at about 10 pm. Kept schtum and went to bed. Tightenings all night, and noticed some mucous plug passing when i went to the toilet. More tightenings all night, but I stayed in bed, kept to myself, just getting onto hands and knees when they happened.

In the morning I got up and asked dh to start pumping up and filling the pool. I kneeled over my birth ball and tied a heat pack round my tummy. I knew I was dilating and the pangs were a bit more painful that i expected.

My three daughters woke up and began to notice there was unusual activity going on and had eyes big and round.

Notice though, at this point i had not admitted to myself that i was in labour. I had not had a wee chat with God and celebrated the fact with him. I hadn't said as much to my dh. I didn't announce it to my children, I just let them figure it out.

I was playing safe. I was being guarded. i wasn't fully embracing it and entering into the wonderfulness of the moment. In case. in case - what? In case it didn't work out well? The fears and tentativeness from pregnancy were now influencing my labour.

at 10 am we called my mum, doula friend and midwife friend to join us. My doula friend walked in to see me chatting and eating breakfast, then standing to lean forward for contractions. Her impression was that my body was way ahead of where my head was at. And she was right. My body was getting on with birthing this baby. But my mind was still trying to protect itself from - what? Something going wrong?

If i was serving as doula for a mama in this head space, i would gently challenge her to talk about her fears and doubts so she could let them go and get on with enjoying her birth, moment by moment. But i couldn't seem to do this for myself.

I decided to turn on some music.

The first strains of an amazing song by a Scottish band called Iona filled the room.

"and here I am, on the edge of the world ..."

the words and the melody so captured exactly where i was at, in this most sacred amazing place where even though we are surrounded by loving people, birth is something we do alone, in a mystical, amazing place ... on the edge of the world.

the flood gates released and i had a big cry and wanted to hug everybody.

"I'm crying because I'm happy!" I sobbed to my doula friend. She said, "I know."

Finally I could admit to myself and everyone that I was in labour and going to have a baby.

There was another song that I'd heard for the first time during my pregnancy, that gave me goose bumps when i heard it - "Healing Rain" by Michael W Smith. And now it was playing for my birth - "Healing rain is falling down ... I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid." Just those words, over and over, like a mantra.

Things then ramped up significantly. Good strong Puffing Billy contractions. My doula brain was noting with satisfaction how the contractions picked up right after the emotional release. See that's how it is when a doula give birth, you can't quite separate your subjective experience from the objective observer's view of birth!

I starting eyeing the pool. It was a fantastic deep one, much bigger than the usual Made in Water La Bassine. I loved it and climbed in.

My last three births were not painful. They weren't without exertion and effort and a fair bit of discomfort, but not what I'd call pain.

I didn't expect my 4th birth to be painful. But that's what this was -painful. I think the fact that i was lagging behind mentally, and not 'in the moment' with what my baody was doing, meant that i wasn't in the Zone - that amazing labour-land place where you go really internal, a place of deep relaxation. I think i wasn't getting the usual rush of endorphins as a result - and i was feeling every bit of it, with not as much hormonal pain relief as the previous births. perhaps. Birth is such a mystery, can we ever know?

I kneeled in the pool, my arms draped over the soft side of it. You couldn't get more comfortable a position in which to give birth. But I was not comfortable. I was quite a quiet birther during my previous births. Not this time. I started to roar, to really yell my head off during the contractions. One hit like a sledge hammer and i yelled and yelled. I was vaguely aware of my birth helpers encouraging me to lower the pitch, no chance, all i could do was yell. the cat was sleeping on the couch - her ears went back and she stalked off looking most affronted. The girls thought was hilarious. They were watching, rapt - not at all fazed by the din i was making. My doula friend thought I was in transition at that point.

That was a horrible contraction. That sucked. I am not doing that again. No way. There has to be a better way. I instinctively knew i needed to totally soften and yield and surrender if i didn't want to get totally dumped by the next wave.

My hands led the way. I laid my hands out, like someone meditating. If i could keep my hands open, i could keep my body open. My mum thought i wanted someone to hold my hands, but actually i needed them open. Sure enough the next contraction, though extremely intense, was not as bad.

It felt so tumultuous to me, and i thought i was noisy - but when i look at the video, it all seems very quite and calm. It doen't reveal the storm that was going on inside me.

I could feel my bub coming down. This was my first pregnancy with a posterior baby - who absolutely refused to budge no matter how much walking or OFP or Chiro I did. i was pretty sure he was a boy! I think he turned anterior somewhere on his journey. he had a plan. I started feeling a ring of fire. I thought, heck, I've never had this with any of the other births! Those births felt good. This just hurt. I knew his head was nowhere near the perinuem, but already I was feeling stretching that really hurt.

It was an incredible experience to try to be so soft and open and trusting in the face of pure pain. This is the miracle that women do when they give birth and the reason why you are all AMAZING!!!

He started to emerge. I felt him suck back up again. And come down another way. "He's being very gentle with you," said my midwife friend as she watched his manouvrers. It really felt that this little lad had a plan. It did not feel very gentle to me though!

There was a long gap between contractions. There was so much pressure up near my urethra. It hurt and it burned as he crowned and emerged.

My mind was still laggin behind. What - he's out? I was mentally scrambling to catch up. For so long I had looked forward to the experience of being in labour again, of giving birth again - and now I felt as if it was all slipping through my fingers. He was in my arms, his caul still intact. Take the membranes off his face. Don't help. Let me do it myself. The cord is too short. I have to stand up and de-tangle him. I want to be cuddling him, not threading him about like a football. Oh baby, I'm coming.

Finally we are settling down in the pool, i am holding him in my arms. My focus is not absolutely absorbed in him. My brain is fried. My attention is scattered. i have this soft little being snuggled in my arms and I am not fully in my body, in myself for him.

I have a gulp of lovely warm After Birth tea, sweetened with honey. The placenta is easily born as I sit in the pool. the blood loss is hardly anything. I think the tea is good!

I'm resting on the couch, baby in my arms. The girls meet him, touch him, stroke him, kiss him. He's lovely.

My dh has tears in his eyes. Seeing him born so gently brings up issues of his own violent birth, back in the days when they strapped his mother in stirrups, extracted the baby, strung him up by the heels, slapped him on the bum, took him away from his mother, poured acid into his eyes, circumcised him etc etc. It was deeply moving for him to see a little son enter the world so gently and easily.

Even if it hurt like heck for his mama!

They made up the post natal herbal bath for me and i climbed into it with my little baby son, the placenta still attached to him, floating in a bowl next to us. So there was me, baby boy and placenta all enjoying this blissful herbal soak together. it was wonderful.

Soon we all de-camped to our bedroom and we decided to cut the cord eventually just for practicality. We let baby Rory know what we were going to do, said a little prayer, and cut the cord. All the girls had a hold of their new baby brother. They are aged 12, 10 and 8 and were delighted to be at the birth 'when they had a brain' as they say.

He was born at 1.32 pm, about 15 hours after the first niggle, and after a few hours (2? 3? of active labour) - that went by so fast i could hardly get my head around it.

He was my biggest baby at all of 8 pounds!! just a spoonful of butter or so bigger than the girls.

This was my first boy, first posterior bub, first birth in Australia, first birth in our own home, first water birth and first baby to be born in the caul. And - the first birth that i can honestly say, actually HURT.

Losing our little one a couple of years ago was a special and sacred journey all of its own. It changed me and took away some of my innocence. It made me vulnerable, perhaps even weaker in some ways. I realise this, but I am not sorry. This is just part of the beauty and wonder and wisdom of life.

Realising that i was holding onto fear, that I was not able to fully relax, that i could not whole-heartedly embrace the pregnancy or even the experience of labour, that I was not fully in the moment or even fully in my body - does not fill me with regret or what ifs or if onlys. It just is what it is, and I am thankful for the experience, and what it's taught me about my own human frailty.

I feel so blessed to have a baby at 43 and to be breastfeeding him at age 44, and for my girls to have the experience with me.

This little baby was born safely and in the end, i had nothing to fear. I had wonderful support from my birth team, who allowed me the space to make the journey myself, which is what i wanted. My midwife friend was truly there as my friend - she did not bring any of her gear into the house, not even a doppler. She asked me afterwards - "Did i do a good job of leaving off my midwife hat?" I said she did.

And so this little baby boy emerged in his caul and bounded into our lives, and we can't imagine what it was like before we had him.

what an awesome birth and a truly beautifully written account of such an amazing experience
congratulations on your baby boys birth
welcome little one earthside- i am sure you will be adored by your sisters
thank you for sharing your birth story with us. The more that we hear , the more we become empowered
your story is empowering!!!
enjoy your babymoon and congratulations again

What an uplifting experience, thank you for sharing!! Congratulations and well done

Enjoy xoxo

Inspiring :D

Well done and Congratulations :D

Wow Julie!!! Congratulations hun and thanks so much for sharing your beautifully written story!! :happyforyou:

That was fantastic, thank you for sharing :)

That's the birth I want next time!


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what an amazing experience. Beautiful story and so well written - thank you for sharing with us

Wow, what an inspiring, amazing story!!! I have tears in my eyes - such a great look on the morning train :lol:

Really beautifully written... Fantastic!!! The bit about your DH reflecting on his birth at the end, awww!

Such a perfect birth story. Thanks so much for sharing :)

Funny enough, my boys were my most painful births too. All my girls were a breeze.

Great story! I am looking forward to my first home birth and I too feel like this baby is meant to be here, sent by God. I will use your idea about the notes you put around.

Beautiful. Congratulations.

Every single bit of that story is amazing! Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful experiences, your loss, your struggles, your joy, your community and your wonderful empowerment.

I just loved reading that. Congratulations to your family and welcome little Rory, your arrival sounded magical. x

congratulations!!
what a beautiful account of your birth, you are a lovely story teller.

Wow, what a beautiful read. So honest. I really felt like I was right there, going through it all with you. I even burst into tears just as I was reading how the flood gates opened for you when you released those inhibitions you were holding onto. It is amazing that you were so aware although you were in so much pain. But maybe, just maybe, this awareness was also part of why you couldn't let go completely??? Or maybe it was the other way around? Maybe you remained so aware because you didn't let go completely?
I love that you don't have any regrets. No "if I could only have done or felt things differently". And there is no reason to, either. You and that beautiful little boy of yours did an amazing job together. And how wonderful was your DH's reaction. He must be an amazing husband to be so in tune with his own emotions.
Congratulations to both of you on the arrival of your son and to the three big sisters who will undoubtedly spoil him rotten!
Thanks for sharing.
Lots of love, Sasa

And he has a beautiful guardian angel looking down on him!

Wow amazing story! Thank you for sharing.

Amazing!

What a beautiful birth story, thank you so much for sharing.

Regards,
Dianne

Wow - truely thank you...i dont have the words now...ill come back later!

such a beautiful story! Thanks so much for sharing :)

oh Julie, we're the same age, your story made me cry, how beautiful. thanks for sharing your story. really really special. I have a DD4. I love how your older kids say "when they have a brain", LOL.

Just magic Julie!! So wonderfully written. I cried tears of joy reading it.

Congratulations on a very special birth :D

My Mum had her third baby and first homebirth at 40. I was 13 at the time and being present at the birth was one of the best gifts my Mum ever gave me. She has passed away now and she left me knowing that I can do anything, that birth is a miracle and "high risk" is generally bullsh*t. You have given your daughters a very special gift :hug:

Thank you everyone for your lovely comments. I'm very moved. :grouphug:

meow i see you had a homebirth just a month before me! (Rory was born in December 2010.) Was yours in Seattle, how was it?

For the birth junkies, here's the stories of our first three births:

Melbourne Doula: Our Births

Julie - somehow I missed this story back when you originally posted it. Beautiful birth story! Great job! I don't think it's just doulas though, who are observers and participants in their births. When DS was being born, (also at home) and they announced after about 55 min of pushing (for baby #5!) that he was posterior, and DH asked what that meant, I answered, in the midst of pushing and exhaustion, that it meant "the largest diameter of his head was presenting." :) My midwives got a good laugh about that. Turns out he was a brow presentation, but I managed to push him out about 5 min later, after my midwife suggested a transfer, and that made me mad enough to find that extra little bit of energy and really give it my all and get that baby round the bend and out of there!

Anyways, I hope life with your three big girls and your little man is going well! I'll bet it's a very different experience this time around, with helping hands around the house. :)

Absolutely, Cricket, I didn't mean that *only* doulas have that objective watching part of their brain happening during birth, I only meant that being a doula/registered nurse was the reason *I* was. And a posterior brow presentation - at home - WOW! I am seriously impressed, what an awesome job, mama! Congratulations! So you have 4 big girls and a little man - and we have 3 big girls and a little man - and yes you are right - it is wonderful having the helping hands and he's a blessed boy to have all the love and attention he gets.

Rory (Ruardhri) is 13 months old now and I see in your sig that your boy is 1, so they must have been born not far apart. Rory was born 10 Dec 2010.

I'm wondering how your recovery after the birth was, Cricket? Mine took a while. I bounced back pretty easy after the girls' births. Not sure what the issue was this time, perhaps him being posterior? Although I know heaps of women who've had no probs after posterior births, so I don't mean that they cauyse any particular problem - they don't - but I think in my case somehow my pelvis twisted a bit during pregnancy (I had sacral pain for the first time ever) and I think the post-birth hormones exaccerbated this, so I had sacral pain, pain in the ball joint of my right hip and pain in my left knee joint: walking was really hard for nearly 8 months. I feel almost fully recovered now - but it was the only post natal time where I felt quite wrecked and it took a while to get my fitness back. Probably just random, who know, my age??? Dunno. I'm just relieved to be doing better now.

The other curve ball this birth threw me is that after having no probs with the first three, I had low milk supply with Rory. I really grieved over this. But that's another whole story for another time! At 13 months, he still boobs a bit, just for comfort really ... but at least it is something.

All the best Cricket, and other readers, thanks for posting in this thread and sharing our baby glee.

What a beautiful (although painful!) birth! Congratulations, that's truly special :)

Thanks Julie! The whole observer/participant thing in labour is kind of crazy, isn't it? One part of your brain is totally focused on the work of birth, and some other small part is sitting in a corner listening to the conversation in the room, watching the midwives faces for signs of worry/approval, realizing that the shaking, panicky feeling you've got probably means you're in transition... etc.

Yes, our boys are fairly close in age - my little man was born in September 2010, and is now just about 16 months old. Super cute age, isn't it? :) Learning a few words, toddling around, giving kisses.... He's my only snuggly child - the girls never were!

My recovery after that birth was actually quite good. I was VERY sore initially. More than with my first even, I'd say. But it was all just swelling and bruising - nothing really damaged, and no tears. Do you see a chiropractor or physio or something? Because if your hips/pelvis are out of line, then the whole body can twist a bit to compensate, and that can cause major issues. A friend had that happen during her last pregnancy, and it ended up causing such terrible back spasms that she was totally unable to function for a few months after the birth. She went daily to physio and the chiropractor until she could walk again. One thing that helped me out a bit with my pregnancy and recovery was doing a prenatal exercise DVD as often as I could manage it throughout the pregnancy. And, about 2 weeks after the birth, I started a (very gentle!) post natal exercise program designed to move in stages from birth to 1 year post partum. Being pregnant again now though, and feeling the aches of over-relaxed joints anew, I think that each pregnancy relaxes everything a little bit more, and exacerbates those aches and pains. Age probably contributes too, although I'm only 31 now. I have sacral pain, sciatic trouble on the left side, and some issues with SPD, (although not as bad as some women do!). Anyways, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling more on top of things again. That's a good feeling, isn't it? Good to feel like yourself again. :) 8 months is sure a long time to wait for that though!

Bummer about the supply issues! That's really frustrating and disappointing as a mother, isn't it? Sometimes our bodies just do odd things, don't they? I guess that's when we can be thankful that other options are available, if they are needed.

Anyways, enjoy life with your lovely family! I should start a new thread and ask about life as a doula with a young family. I'm considering training and certifying as a doula, but I think I might have to wait a few years. My babies are still to little and require too much of my time right now...

Hey again Julie! I was just thinking about your question, about whether having a posterior baby put more strain on your body, and I'm pretty sure it's actually the other way around. The relaxin of pregnancy most likely made your body twist a little bit (it probably already was slightly, and pregnancy made it worse.) That changed the shape of your pelvis, made your back, hips and knees shift and compensate, and didn't allow your baby to get into optimum position for birth. It also most likely contributed to the painful labour. Having proper pelvic alignment is very helpful for an easier labour.

Not sure how i missed this but what a truely amazing birth story! My DD was born posterior so i really feel you on that it HURT but having been through it and got through it i know that i can do it again if this baby is a posterior bub too.

What a gorgeous story. Thanks for sharing

Beautiful. Such a lovely story.