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My DD1 is now 16 and we put her out in a caravan at the side of our house. We had to go hunting in there for my camera and found a bong. How do I tackle this. We don't want her moving out (which she has threatened) but we can't condone having drugs on the property. Really at a loss about what to do here. Any suggestions would be welcome
Just be straight with her. Tell her that you dont condone drugs on the property. Open the communication about this. If you yell, scream and tell her to move out (not saying you will do any of these), it will just make the situation worse.
Ask her if there is a reason she is smoking drugs.. is there some deeper emotional issue? peer pressure?
Can you move her back into the house?
^ yeah that ^
That's what I was thinking. She's a kid after all, why does she need to be in her own "house"?:
I would be moving her back into the house pronto. Remember you are the parent and do not allow her to emotionally blackmail you. Discuss with your DH your actions and stay a united strong front.
Good luck hun.
Sorry ladies should have clarified that we have had some issues with DD previously. Unfortunately she has inherited my dads addictive personality. She is smoking and used to drink (not sure now) and now the pot. She has previously tried to run away so we have to try to go softly with her. We thought that moving her into the van and making her pay a nominal rent would make her grow up a bit and have a bit more responsibility. We are thinking about giving her a warning (and that this is the only one she will get) then if she breaks it then she loses the van. Am just trying to avoid the tantrum that I know will ensue. She already knows we don't want drugs on the property but she has chosen to ignore this edict again.
There are two sides to this.
1. you've given her her own space, her own privacy and you invaded it by checking in her "place", I assume you didn't ask permission to enter
2. she is doing something illegal and quite possibly something that will damage her brain function.
For point 1, that is something you will have to deal with, both the betrayal of you being somewhere you shouldn't and of her having something she shouldn't have
For point 2, I'd contact drug arm (or some such organisation), get some information on drug use and developing brains. Give this information to her. Talk to her calmly, not only from the point of it being illegal, that possession & use of it can lead to convictions, but of the damage it can do to her body.
I agree that she should (if at all possible) move back into the house where she can't get as much past you. All my friends who lived in caravans, garages/sheds or in converted spaces 'under' the main house around this age were doing it to sneak a bit of pot, ciggies and booze past their parent(s).
Try to stay calm. Obviously toss the bong out - they're hard to track down these days (not hard to manufacture out of juice bottles etc, but the metal conepieces are getting a bit scarce), and let her know (as calmly as possible!) that you simply can't condone or support her smoking pot. She'll probably (okay, definitely) get mad about it, but try as hard as you can not to engage her in a full-scale argument.
I was using pot recreationally at that age (didn't have a bong or anything at home, I'd buy a foil maybe once a fortnight or once a month and smoke on weekends at my friends' houses) and would have been sooo embarrassed if my parents had found out and confronted me. For right now, it'll probably be enough for you to just tell her that you found it, that you won't allow drugs or drug use in your home, and give her a bit of time to digest that before you sit down for a talk about it. I'd like to think that her use is 'casual' - I'd assume that having her own bong means she's using pretty frequently, but there honestly doesn't have to be some deep-seated reason she's smoking pot - it feels good, most kids see it as 'no big deal' and it's kind of fun, especially when it can be a form of 'bonding' amongst friends and it's a taboo thing to do.
So my advice would be to just tell her that you're aware of it, that you've disposed of her equipment, and tell her that you want to talk to her when she's ready - you'll probably get a lot more sense out of her if you give her a day or two to think about it before trying to discuss it, itms. Good luck to you, I know this must be really hard for you to get your head around but try to stay calm and hold your ground on not allowing her to do it under your roof. At 16, she's pushing boundaries and trying to assert her independence, but you are her parent and you need to make it clear that while she is a minor, what you say goes. Keep us posted, good luck. xx
ETA: You posted again while I was typing. I agree with Sopdet on the whole 'invasion of privacy' thing - this is probably more likely to upset her than the fact that she's been busted breaking the rules. I know as a mum it makes perfect sense that you were just looking for your camera, but in her eyes it means you don't have any 'respect' for 'her space' or privacy and whatever argument you have against her pot use, she will just come back to, 'Well YOU invaded my privacy' to try and whitewash the fact that she's done the wrong thing.
Unfortunately kids also see the 'own space' and paying rent as a virtual free pass to do what they like, itms... she's giving you rent and living separately from the rest of the house, being treated like an adult - and probably assumes that means she can act like one. I think your approach of giving her a warning that if this continues, she will lose the van and be back in the house, is a good one - but be aware that she will probably try to sneak under the radar again and if it comes down to it, she'll probably threaten to leave home again. You and your DH will need to decide whether you can follow through with the ultimatum and watch her walk out, or let her continue breaking rules in order to keep her nearby where you can at least supervise her. That choice is yours and yours alone, and I certainly wouldn't judge you on it (my parents also took the 'harm minimisation' approach with me when I was a little older and smoking and drinking, they preferred to have me in the house doing drugs than having me move out and not being supervised or able to seek help when/if I needed to). Best of luck with it, just know that she may be legally 'almost' an adult but that she still has a lot of growing up to do. She'll get there eventually, but it can be really hard to stick with her and watch your kids make dumb mistakes over and over. x
Thanks Sop but my DD does know all this. We are very open and can talk to all the kids about anything. Unfortunately my dad is also into weed and she knows this too. I have told her that Pop has been in prison for it but when she stayed over the other day (after warning Dad about giving her any smokes, alcohol or drugs) she came home and told me that Pop has been to prison for driving offences :o My dad used to be the local dealer and I knew damn well what he was up to as all my friends older brothers and sisters used to buy from him and the police used to raid us every year. I think she is just one of those kids that has to learn the hard way. At least we have taken pregnancy off the cards by having the implant put in (age 14 due to risky behaviour then)
Will start looking at rearranging the living quarters again :(
I can see how that would be a tough situation to try and get the point across - I was raised in a very sheltered, strictly drug- and scandal-free household and still grew to see drugs as no big thing because of the friends I hung out with - and most of them got their casual attitude towards drugs from their own parents, some of whom were dealers, or would buy for us, or would smoke with us etc...
And just to throw another spanner in your works, how long has she had the implant in? It pays to watch very carefully if she's got any emotional/depression issues or has a tendency towards emotional instability (and there's not many 16yo girls out there who don't fit that description...) - the Implanon can trigger depression and suicidal ideation, so keep a very close eye on that one. One physical sign to watch for is weight gain (mine was very rapid, people commented on it a lot), and try to continue being as open with her as you have been, watch for signs of emotional disurbance or depression (withdrawal, anger, acting out etc) and contact your GP if you have any concerns. x
Kim I just want to give you massive :hug::hug:. Really hope it works out for you all.
Regards,
Dianne
Hugs hun I hope you can make her see reason and sense and continue having an open relationship with her.
Must be so hard for you, massive hugs I am here to chat if you need xoxo
Thanks Dianne. Need all the hugs I can get
Glamourcide - she was 14 when we had the implant put in as she was drinking and engaging in risky behaviour. Our GP, after explaining the danger she was putting herself in, had a go at her and it didn't do anything. I worry about her weight but not because of a gain but because she has an eating disorder. We have battled anorexia and bulimia since she was 9. We still are battling along but some months are better than others. Our GP has been our GP since DD was 18 months old so knows her very well.
Hang in there, Kim... the teen years can be so tough. It sounds like you're doing absolutely everything you can to ensure she stays safe and well regardless of the choices she's making. I just thought I'd put it out there as my mum got me the Implanon at 16 or 17 and I ended up 30kgs heavier, on anti-depressants and suicidal - and I didn't have any idea the Implanon played a part in all that until many years later, so I thought you should know if you didn't already that it does have its risks :) It's great that you have such an awesome GP who takes a personal interest in your DD's wellbeing - very rare these days to have someone you can trust!
All I can say is that we're here for you, and it appears to me that you're doing everything in your power to be there for your DD and protect her if she won't be guided through these difficult years. I was a lot like her, just had to make my own screw-ups and learn the hard way and I'm glad I came through it all okay. I'm sure with you and your DH behind her, your DD will, too - it's just really tough to try and enforce rules that are for her own good, and watch her get caught up in risky behaviours and know that she's at an age where all you can really do is be there for her when she wants/needs you. Keep holding on, you will all get there. xx
Just wanted to send you some big hugs Kim. I dont really have any advice, I think it sounds like you a doing a great job with your DD, and hopefully she understands when you raise this with her, that you only have her well being in mind.
Big hugs Sah :comfort:
Thanks everyone. I thought we had her sorted out and was waiting for my 12yo to start lol but here we are again. I didn't do any of this crap in my teen years as I was to scared of my mum. Maybe that is where I went wrong. Some healthy fear would be beneficial right about now lol.
Oh Kim xoxox
I would suggest getting an outside source in to help you tackle this subject... There are some good teenage drug and alcohol counsellors that may be able to provide a better outcome then if you would doing by yourself.
Having a bong is not illegal, and having a bong at your place doesn't in itself mean that you smoke drugs or have a drug problem. If i had a group of friends and one of them lived in a caravan or bungalow, and the rest slept in bedrooms in the main house, i know where i would be storing my bong (if i had one).
I'm not trying to minimise the issue, and it sounds like there are other things going on as well, but try not to think too far ahead before you work out if it is even her bong in the first place and if it is being used. Maybe she is doing ok, and a mate left it there.
I think in NSW it is?:
HotI it was definitely being used. Still had a bit in it and it had the smelly water too. So obviously wasn't the 1st time. She had put it in the cupboard above her bed :rolleyes: I noticed the other day she had glassy, bloodshot eyes and queried her then and when she denied it gave her the benefit of the doubt. Can't this time.
We have decided to tell her that this is the only warning she is getting and if she stuffs up again then she is moving back into the house. If she decides to leave - then we are going to let her. I think it will be the only way she will learn how hard it is out there. She is still so naive in some ways that I'm scared for her but we realise that she might have to leave to learn.
Not looking forward to this chat at all!!!
Sending u strength....
Thinking of you Kim and sending lots of strength.
Regards,
Dianne
massive hugs.
Hope she pulles her head in for you.
I know in nsw you can be charged with drug parafanalia (sp?) my step dad coped that one when I was younger.
Is there a chance she is only doing it to break the rules?
Well we had a chat last night after she got home and she played the nice, contrite girl but not sure how much she meant it. We told her that she was getting 1 warning and then she moves back into the house if she stuffs up. I was very calm and collected but I'm sure she was thinking I was going to be a screaming banshee lol. We also told her that she needs to start applying for some part time jobs. Hmmmmmmm will see how we go from here.
I really hope she's been thinking about what she is putting her family through and sorts herself out. Must be tough for you all.
Regards,
Dianne
Thanks Dianne. Unfortunately at 16 she doesn't think much about her family - only herself and her friends. Although a swift kick in the bum reminds her - especially about me lol