Do they calm down?

The terrible 2's and trying 3's are nothing compared to my 14yo DS behaviour!

He's so big and doesn't know his strength, I liken him to the incredible hulk! He is so incredibly argumentative, if I say the sky is blue, he'll argue that it is in fact orange! He has developed a strong dislike for his 2 sisters (12 and 8) and can't even look at them without lashing out, either verbally or violently.

This morning, for example, he threw his bus pass at DD12, which got lost behind the couch so he lashed out abusing her, hitting her and telling her it was all her fault! The family room then got trashed as he was trying to find his bus pass. I pointed out that he was making a mess, only to be given a mouthful about how I don't care and that it was his sister's fault his bus pass was missing! I tried calming him down, to no avail so I sent him to school without his bus pass. He mumbled and grumbled as he stomped out of the house, slamming the door behind him! I know that when he comes home this afternoon it will start all over again. After he's eaten every single item of food i the house that is!

This kind of thing is starting to become a daily occurence.

Please tell me this is a phase and he'll grow into a lovely youn man....PLEASE! Right now I can't see it.

Violence against siblings is not right. He needs help to direct his anger in different ways.

I know that HotI, but thanks for pointing it out.

I grew up with 2 brothers. I agree.. the violence is not right. My brothers never did that to me and if they did my mum would have chopped them to peices (not litterally ofcourse). We did argue alot though, so thats normal. We do love each other more now (ahahhaa how horrible does that sound) but they can still be very annoying.

As for growing up to be lovely men.... yeah, they arn't too shabby... kids.. etc.

Most do eventually settle as the hormones settle down, but it sounds like there could be something else going on there too - I haven't raised my own teenager yet, but my XP's son was pretty difficult at that age. How is his school life going, has he got plenty of friends or at least hangs out with people, or is he quite withdrawn? Does he participate in any sports (also good for redirecting excess frustration/aggression due to horomones) or outside school activities?

Does he have an older male role model who can step in and let him know he's being a tool and making life harder for himself? You do need to be able to pull rank and let him know that his behaviour isn't acceptable, especially the violence towards his little sisters but I know that's always easier said than done - hopefully someone with a bit more experience than me can give some advice here.

:hug: hang in there hon, it's a tough ride.

:hug: hun, sounds a bit like my DS13, a raging hormonal teenager. DS16 was also similar around that age and he's settled down really well now so there is hope for you hun :lol:.

Regards,
Dianne

I don't have a teenager so feel free to disregard anything I say.... But... I have read that thier brain development goes into hyper drive again in teenagehood in a very similar way to when they are toddlers, not to mention all the hormones that are raging.

I have lot's of younger cousins and they all go through a stage as teenagers where they go off the rail a bit. Do you have an organisation like Headspace in your area? they help young adults (and let's face it we put lot's of pressure on our teenagers) maybe it would help him to speak to someone who is nuetral? does he have any uncles or can his dad take him out of the house occasionally?

argh.... so not looking forward to the teenage years :hig:

Oh Tinks I freakin hope so cause things are seriously going to come to a head in this house soon too.

My DS is also 14 and a right royal #$%$@$ %$#@^ (insert your own colourful description here)

I have found some serious boundries are needed for him with big time consequences if he breaks them. A biggie for us is the hitting siblings - he is 6ft eats like a horse and doesnt realise how strong he is either, and another is disrespecting me. His Dad is big on this one.
Facebook and social life are his main currency so these are the first things to go if he gets too big for his boots.

I do know that he has what I can only describe as PMS symptons.
He has days of been tolerable then he goes through about a week of absolute hell. He has been reduced to tears on some days too so obviously very hormonal.
His skin gets pretty bad at these times too so im thinking he has these sudden hormone surges and he just cant control or know what to do with himself.

My only advice chick would be the tighten up the boundries and trying to get him to recognise when he is feeling overwhelmed and angry to take himself away for time out.

Good luck love, I know its hard and I truely believe we will come out the other side. (I have too its how I cope with it :lol:)
Do let me know if you find some miracle cure for them though wont you??:D

I could have written the same about my 11yr old DD. Its definately a daily occurance of violence and abuse in our house. DD see's a counsellor and paed but she has known behavioural problems.

My brother who was 4yrs older then me was exactly the same. My mother has been very supportive of our issues with eldest DD as she knows first hand what we are dealing with from past experience. He has grown into a fine gentleman (in his 30's now) Mum said she used to cry herself to sleep and at the time (it stretched on for years) she was sure bro was heading to prison. Things were very bad at one stage and he did grow out of it.

Like Feijoa Mum said I too notice DD has days of been tolerable then she goes through about a week of absolute hell. She has a little break of been tolerable again only to reach crisis point again.

Hmmm sounds very much like what my younger brother went through at that age. He was being bullied though, sometimes there is a reason behind it, sometimes not. All I know is that it's very hard to reason with them when they are going through that phase. I'm 10 yrs older and I could not talk to my brother, he would bite my head off. He was able to talk to mum about how he was feeling and why etc. Is there someone he can hang out with who is older, that would be a good influence on him, could suss him out etc? Can he chat to you about things? Maybe he needs some mum time away from his sisters. It does pass :) My brother is now 18 and a lovely boy, gentle, caring and very happy. Everything you've instilled in him is there and you'll see it when the hormones calm down a bit or when he sorts out whatever it is that's worrying him. Maybe nothing is going on and he's just being a moody teenager. Good luck & have hope, it gets better :)

There is a brilliant book called, between form and freedom which may be useful for you. I know we spend a fair amoun of time looking into our babies and pregnancy books but it tends to dwindle off with time. Being informed and having practical solutions may make you feel ready and supported when it comes to meeting his needs and the needs of the family. Between Form and Freedom offers a wealth of insights about teenagers and a compassionate, intelligent, and intuitive look into the minds of children and adolescents. Betty Staley explores the nature of adolescence and considers teenagers' needs in relation to family, friends, schools, love, and the arts. She also deals with issues of stress, depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and eating disorders.

This is a valuable guide and inspiration for all parents of teenagers.
About the Author
Betty Staley has been a Waldorf teacher for over thirty-five years. She directs the Foundation Year and Waldorf High School programs at Rudolf Steiner College. In addition, she has been active in programs for public school teachers and teachers of At-Risk students there. She founded the Multi-cultural Committee of Association of Waldorf Schools of North America (AWSNA).


I hope this helps!

I know I used to think 13-14 year old boys were the pits. Studies have shown that during adolescence our brains rewire to the point that we lose levels of compassion and self-control. Teenagers are self-absorbed for a reason - their brain is undergoing similar growth to toddlers. They need similar boundaries as 2 year olds.

A couple of other books you may find interesting include:
He'll Be Ok: Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men, Celia Lashlie
The New Manhood, and Raising Boys, Steve Biddulph (apparently Raising Boys revised version includes more on teenagers)

GL - sounds like you're having a tough time atm.

My son is 17 and still like this, although less violent toward his sister these days. I feel for you hun :hug: I love my son but often find myself missing who he once was. I look forward to the day when this is all over and he is more rational and has less of a temper.
Fingers crossed that day comes soon for both of our sons :)

My DS is the same. He turned 12 this year and omg has his attitude and temper ramped up. I have been tearing my hair out. I have read Raising Boys and it does explain quite a bit. Doesn't mean he is not due for a slap up the back of the head lol.

I am SO relieved that he's not the only one.

You're right about hormones! I'm getting sick of them, yet I know this is only the beginning. Having 2 hormonal kids in this house is like a roller coaster and I don't like this ride!

Do you have any tricks or tips to help me get through it?

I have two hormonal ones and two toddlers as well and I find copious amounts of vodka helps :lol::lol::lol:


Sorry love no magic cure here just lots of sympathetic hugs

Oh dear FJ! You are a glutton for punishment!

I agree with the vodka. I'd put it on my cereal every morning if it wasn't illegal to drive under the influence :rofl:

As a teen my stepbrother would get sent for a run around the oval to clear his head, seemed to diffuse the situation.

We ended up buying XP's son a punching bag and a weights bench - on the same principles, he'd go work out when he was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, plus him hitting the punching bag was far better than him hitting his sister.

Ah I hear you Tinks... Living with brothers of that age it sounds a little more calmer then what mums household is. Hugs xoxox. Eventually it happens and they turn into lovely men :P

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I have two hormonal ones and two toddlers as well and I find copious amounts of vodka helps :lol::lol::lol:

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I have the same but three toddlers...and it is cider here :lol:

My DS1 is nearly 15 and is the same, he can be a real bully to his younger brothers (8 and 10), they 'play' fight but the littler ones always end up in tears.
He is still polite and respectful to me and does listen (mainly when I yell) but I am having problems at school...he just doesn't care.
I think one of the underling issues for him is losing his dad last year...add hormone and your have a angsty (is that a word :lol:) teenager.
My DD1 (16) is not to bad but she still screams at the others when they upset her.

Don't have a teenager, but work with them and have had theories coming out of my ears while I studied (just finished).

Other people have posted about exercise and that's great. If you can use some form of disciplined exercise even better - teamworking skills get built too. So going for a run is great for training, but sports like football build extra skills as well as exercise off the extra hormones. Gymnastics and dance are two other alternatives to ball sports. Martial arts can offer this and can be a good release for aggression, but maybe teaching teens to hit better isn't the best thing for everyone. Even group aerobics can encourage a group/team mentaility.

Sex hormones are steroid hormones, remember, so no wonder they go loopy. They do need an acceptable release.

Art or music?
I favoured loud guitar playing with lots of feedback, to channel my teenage angst

If you and the neighbours can stand it, drums - loud *and* physical :)

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If you and the neighbours can stand it, drums - loud *and* physical :)

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And electric drums come with headphones, and are almost as physical but a lot less loud.
DH is a drummer ;)

Really? How much do they cost?

in terms of trying to get him to realise his behaviour, have you tried using your phone or camera to record him when he's doing it, and then sitting down with him and watching it together, when he's calm?

people are often really, really surprised to see how they've behaved etc when in a rage (or drunk, drug affected, etc) and actually showing them can be so much more powerful than telling them. And hearing your girls tell him how it made them feel after watching it back may also be quite powerful.

Not that the point is to give him a guilt trip, but if he feels convicted, then he'll have more strength to catch himself and modify his behavour next time.

And while martial arts may be about fighting, it's not about violence - discipline combined with physical exertion might be the perfect combo for him, to get rid of some of that teen angst and pent up frustration...

good luck!!

Tinks - He sounds exactly like my brother was as a teenager. I know my mum was at her wits end with him. It also sound scarily like my DH was to his family when we were teenagers. Unfortunately I cann't offer any advice - not being at that stage myself yet. The only thing I can say is that he will eventually grow out of it (albeit my DH and my bro were both in their 20's before they grew up) - hang in there. Hopefully someone else will have some more practical advice - it sounds like there are a few people going through the same thing.

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Really? How much do they cost?

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I will ask him. He may have industry connections too, but not sure. I will find out.

And, on the throwing thing, dont get a marble chess set. I dont mean to be flippant either, i have seen someone hit with a knight and it wasnt pretty. :(

Thanks for the heads up Pandora! He has been known to throw chess pieces :shakehead: I wonder if they make balsa wood ones? :rofl: (and i i've spelt balsa properly)