will i ever.....

so as some of u will know, we lost our DS at 22w due to incompetant cervix in jan last year....

ive been going to councelling and have been doing great, been able to mention his name, have a small conversation about what happened without ending up a hysterical mess, not crying at the drop of a hat....

then today i discovered DH is making a special box to put all of our DS's things in, including his ashes which he has wanted to do for a long time....

ive been feeling a lot more confident about things recently and even today so i thought id have a look at our pics of DS again...
:shakehead: not the best idea ive had....

i just want to be able to look at them and not end up a husterical sobbing mess, not feel like my heart is being ripped into 400 million pieces all over again :(:(:(

am i ever going to be able to do that???

:comfort: i can't imagine what you're going through, but couldn't read and run. Just wanted to offer you heaps of :hug:

:hug: I hope so hunny. i really really do

Oh crumpet.... :hug:

Please feel free to talk to me about it. I'm here for you honey. I wish I could say more.

:

---

:hug: I hope so hunny. i really really do

---

Me too :comfort: You'll get there honey - just go at your own pace :)


---
- Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks ;)

Yes, over time :hug:

Would it help to have some photos in frames around the house? I find having a couple around mean they are a normal part of our lives. It's when I look at the ones on the computer or the ones the professional did for us with DS1 that I turn into a mess. There's nothing wrong with crying darl. He's your beautiful little boy and you miss him

:hug: couldn't read and not post, my heart is breaking for you and I hope in time you will be able to.

:( I'm so sorry Hun. Massive :hug: xxxxx

:hug: hun, I went through exactly what your're going through now with Emmanuel. In the first three years I opened his memory box 3 times I think, it was just too hard to look at photos and touch his clothes even though I wanted to so badly. Now I can hold his photo, smile at him and he always gets a kiss too. In time hun I really hope you will be able to feel this way too xxx.

Regards,
Dianne

:hug:

sending you hugs & strength x

thank you all for ur :hug:'s and replies....

am feeling a lot better this morning, bit fragile still but thats cool :)

Hun I have no words but huge Hugs is you ever need them

you dont have to be strong all the time!

I hope you can find a place where thinking of your son doesn't hurt so much. Big hugs to you and your family xoxo

thanks girls :hug:

feeling back to normal again...... think it was a let out i needed to have

Oh honey, big hugs to you my friend :hug:. I have a big round box that I keep most of Josh's things in. I have a small picture album with all his photos, u/s images, and when I feel like I need him close by I have a look at it. I always end up shedding a tear, but it lets me feel really close to my darling ngel. I also have 2 pictures in the house of him and I look at him every day. The only thing I can't bear to look at, and I don't know if I will ever be able to do it, is to look at his u/s DVDs. I have 2 which are at the bottom of the box, but every time I look at them I just can't bring myself to watch him kicking and moving on the screen. I have seen a psychologist for almost 2 years and even she couldn't get me to have a look at them.
It does get easier hun, with time.

3 years on hun and I still have problems going through the box with my little ones "things" in it. We do have a few lovely photo's of her around the house and have only recently moved her Urn into the lounge and well out of DD reach which was very very difficult.

I can talk about her and what happened with little more than A tear now but it wasn't always the case, some days still catch me completely off guard.

I think it comes back to "there is no right way or timeframe" when it comes to dealing with grief. I found the sooner I accepted that and just rode the ride without expectation of myself or others the better it became ITMS.

love and hugs to you hun x x x

thanks for sharing ur stories, it does reiterate its going to take time, which i know but i think once im thinking im doing well i let my guard down and then feel like ive fallen backwards, if that makes sense?

but its all good, its just one of those hicups we have to deal with unfortunatly

Oh hun, I think our grief will never leave us. It's like waves really. Most times the sea is calm but then a huge wave comes out of no where and knocks us out cold! Big hugs lovely, just remember, it's OK to feel really sad sometimes. No two people deal with and go through their grief in the same way, so just go with the flow hun and think that if it feels like you're going backwards some days, it's OK. I sometimes think, with all the therapy I've received I should deal with my loss a lot better, and have moved forward a lot more than I feel some days, but I've come to accept that some days it will feel like I've received no therapy at all, and that is OK.