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You need to seek professional help, its the only way you will learn techniques to help control your emotions.
You also need to apologise to your daughter.
Hugs hun, we all have days that kids push our buttons so much that we snap. Some will scream and shout, some hit and some distance themselves from the issue.
You could seek professional help in anger managment and also look at strattegies to deal with naughty behaviour..
Hugs hugs.
When she wakes up give her a kiss and cuddle and tell her mummy is sorry and explain what she did was wrong and why.
Aaaaarghhhh! Oh, Nerdy Pants :hug: :hug: :hug:
I truly understand. Reading that, I felt really mad too. I know you've been having such a hard time with her lately. That must have been awful for you.
I really think she's reaching out to you with this behaviour. She needs your help to do the right thing. Is this something you can remind yourself when it happens? Think like a mantra of "She's doing this because she needs my help"
There's a great theory called the Circle of Security that explains this well. I'm not sure if there's a great website about it, but I'll have a look and get back to you. With more of these :hug: :hug:
Big hugs to you. Add sleep deprivation +++ to anything here and it is hard to be calm and collected all the time. xxx
i lose it too hun, i think its part of being a parent.
But you've recognised that you have a problem and most importantly you feel bad, so when she wakes sit her down and tell her why you got angry and apologise to her.
its ok hun :hug:
I agree that you need some help and good on you for being honest and open trying to find it here for a start.
Get yourself to Parent Effectiveness Training asap (or read the book if not possible) and in addition you'll probably need some self development with anger issues, which is a process over time. You can learn some techniques for calming yourself down when this happens, or the effect on your children will be far more reaching than what any book could mean to you. I used to flip out sometimes too, but it was during a time in my life I felt incredibly unsupported, I was sick and depressed. Realising if any of these apply to you and seeking outside help is a good thing too.
I'm sorry but no, don't do this. Say sorry to her and tell her that what MUMMY did was wrong and why. Then maybe talk about why we don't break things, and that we respect things.:
Do not blame your daughter for your actions. You are the adult and you are the one that should be capable of controlling you actions. It is not your daughters fault that you acted the way you do.
Oh babe, I lost it today, screamed in DD1s face... Why?
She deliberately picked up a cup
Of water and tipped it all over the bench :( it was 1 of a million things she's been doing to push my buttons.
I felt horrible, your not a bad mum.
:loveshower:
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- Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!
:hug:
:hug: You've been having a really tough time with her lately.
I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice right now, I'm trying to get a baby to sleep.
But just wanted to give you a :hug: and let you know that the people who know you know you're really a great mum and understand that you really must have been at the end of your rope in that moment.
OP feels bad enough she does not need to be made to feel worse and judged.:
She asked for help.
Your not a bad Mum. We have ALL been pushed to breaking point at some stage. Please be gentle on yourself, Give DD a cuddle when she is up and explain the whole thing - That ripping the book was naughty and Mummy lost her temper - she is a bright cookie she will understand. xox
Wow way to make someone feel bad! I guess you have never lost your temper then !?! Either that or you dont have kids...:
Hugs Mel :hug: We all have moments when our lo's have managed to push all our buttons, and it's about all we can take. Don't be so hard on yourself :hug:
:hug:
:hug: the good thing is that you know it wasn't right & you're not happy that you did it. i agree with audax that maybe she's reaching out to you - not in the way you might hope, but she's trying to capture your attention.
techniques to help you work through anger & calm down would be good (i think i need them too!), and maybe some time out for you as well - you're with the kids all day, every day & i never see you getting time for yourself/a rest. i think you need some time to spend on being you, rather than being mum (i know that's easier said than done but i truly believe you are sooo worth it)
:hug:
((GBH)) sweetie we have all been there done that...
as for Miss Em I'm sorry but you posts really peeved me..:shakehead:
:hug: hun, I'm another one who has lost it. A kiss and a cuddle will let her know you still love her then explain what she did was wrong and appologize for your behaviour. Kids are so forgiving.
Regards,
Dianne
:hug: I'm so sorry your book got ruined. It's tough when something that we've been looking forward to and want to enjoy is destroyed. I would have been really angry too.
I try to tell my children that getting angry is ok. We all get angry sometimes but we can't let our anger hurt other people. I think it's best to apologise for what you did that you wish you hadn't done and then resolve to make tomorrow a better day.
As for how you learn to control something. I don't think you need to control your anger so much as acknowledge it and direct it somewhere that no-one (including you) gets hurt. If she is really pushing your buttons it's ok to give yourself a break from her. I find that going out to a park or something can help. I'm less likely to strangle them in public ;) Also things can seem better in the fresh air.
Learning the symptoms can help - if you always clench your fists when you start to get angry or feel your heart rate increasing use that as a sign that you need to step outside to cool down or scream into a pillow or lock yourself in the bathroom for a while. If you need to you can put Lifeline on speed dial and ring them for a rant about your children to blow off steam.
I think that since you already know that what you did wasn't a great reaction and you can probably sit down and rationally explain what you should have done instead, you're probably just dealing with a 'moment', rather than an entrenched behavioural issue on your part.
I've lost it with DD like that once or twice, but apologised pretty quickly, explained to her that I know what I did was wrong and that I would do my best not to ever do it again. Hug and move on. If you really think this is something that is happening often, then it's probably a good idea to go and talk to someone (your GP might be a good idea), but if it's a once-off, give yourself a break. None of us behaves perfectly all the time.
Also, if it's DD1 that seems to push your buttons more than the others, is there a way you could organise some one-on-one activities just with you and her? Strengthening your bond with her and giving her some time where she feels she has your undivided attention can't hurt!
:hug:
Hey nerd, I've felt this way at times too. I've never hit my kids, but I'll admit there have been times I've come close. A few months back I went through a particularly bad period and there was one day DS got me riled up and I envisaged myself backhanding him across the room. Not cool. I do yell when angry though, and that's also not good and something I'm working on.
A few ideas (if you want them - and PET is a great one to look into too)
I have a few triggers - I dont mean stuff hte kids do etc, but things within me that affect my ability to cope. Tiredness - think you probably can give a big tick for that one. Coffee - there's some chemical in it that affects adrenal function. I definitely notice a correlation between coffee and uncontrolled anger. Another one is lack of me time - we all need to unwind and get some recharge time. Very hard with a baby though - I'm already planning some me stuff for when DD is a bit older.
Next is moderating my reaction. Deep breath, count to 10 - it's an oldie and a goodie. I try to force myself to keep my voice down - whispering even.
And afterwards... because I'm human and I frack up still. I always apologise. If DS has done something wrong, then we can talk about that. But if I've done something wrong, then I need to acknowledge that and say sorry. That's what I want him to be able to do ultimately, you know? So I figure, even if I can't beahve well in teh first instance, at least I can set some sort of decent example. :dunno:
Sorry about your book. Were you able to repair it?
couldn't read this without giving you a huge hug. Wish i had some advice.
You're an awesome mum Mel. We all lose it sometimes. Miss M just knows how to rub you the wrong way. Is there any chance of some mummy DD1 time each week? When I lose it like that. I say sorry when we have both calmed down. I tell them I should not have smacked them. I tell them that doing whatever it was they did was wrong and made me sad and angry, but I should not have smacked them or yelled at them (or whatever I did wrong, lol!) Have a snuggle together and love her for a little bit and move on. You feel terrible for doing it. But I don't think you need professional help. If you're not a great mum, then neither am I.
Big hugs! We have all been there. Kids are so frustrating, more so with lack of sleep. You know what you did, just explain to DD that you are sorry and then explain why you reacted the way you did and what DD also did wrong. Kids don't hold a grudge:hug::comfort:
MissEm - WOW! Your posts are not helpful at all. :o:shakehead:
My second post wasn't directly aimed at the OP, but the person I quoted. I find what she suggested to be potentially harmful to young children. It's like saying to some one 'Im sorry, but...' it isn't a real apology and shifts the blame.:
I have lost my temper, but as an adult capable of controlling her feelings I was able to walk away from the situation. I don't blame my children for my actions, as they don't control my actions.
I commend the OP for realising she has an issue, I have no issue with that, I only hope she seeks help for both her and her children's sake. I'm sorry if my post hit a raw nerve for some, however I will speak up against advice and opinions I feel strongly against. I mean no offence to anyone, especially not the OP.
I was judging your response, if anything, not the OP.:
Oh Mrs Nerd, I hear ya. Especially on the book - I wrote a post a while ago where my DD tore a page out of a book intentionally and I cried too. I feel your book-lover-pain.
I've also lost it a few times recently with DD. I apologise to her afterwards and have a big cuddle.
Definitely look into PET... I've thought about it but our church is running a parenting course in term 4 so we are going to go to that instead. Sometimes you just need a fresh perspective, a new take on things and some new strategies to try.
:hug:
:hug: chick.
We're going through the same thing right now. DD & DS are pushing my buttons daily and I have snapped a few times lately. Such bad Mummy moments but when they don't let up, it can all come out. DD has been spending a fair bit of time in her room lately as it's easier for me to deal with her that way. I am someone who can rant and rant and rant.... so if she's in her room for a bit it usually calms us both down and we can deal with things again. I then go into her room which she has destroyed and clean it up.
Anyway, just wanted to put my little bit in so you know you're not completely on your own :hug:
:hug: Mrs NB. I know exactly how you feel ... I hate it that some days nothing feels like it belongs to me. It's so hard :(
I agree about reading PET ... there are so many good strategies in there. I was really skeptical at first, but the more I have used it, the more that it has worked, the more I am encouraged to keep trying new things from the book. Of course, it hasn't solved all our problems and I still lose it sometimes :redface: Being a mum is hard work!
I think that if you say sorry to your DD1 and tell her the things you said in her about how you were feeling and that you don't feel good about what happened, it would probably help you both feel better. Maybe she could help you mend the book too - she might need to do something to help get past it too.
I don't know ... I'm just figuring this whole parenting thing out as I go along as well. It's not easy, but you are a great mum. Your kids love you and there is no doubt that you love them.
Huge gentle :hug: I hope your afternoon is better.
Here's a good start if you get some quiet time to fit in some clips. There's lots that can help you in the emotional growth and development forums. I know it might sound a bit airy fairy, but when I am off track with my emotions taking over, it helps to put me back on track. If you would like some other suggestions let me know. But the more personal development I have done, the more my patience and tolerance has grown, the less angry I get, the more calm I am overall... no matter what situation I am in and how hopeless it seems.
https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...s-work-165345/
Big hugs Hun xx
I've gotten really angry with DS before and smacked him a couple of times because he'd been a **** all day and he did one thing to just irk me more and that's when I snapped.
:hug::hug: I've been reading the dramas you've been having and all I can offer is hugs :comfort:
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - even though I should be cleaning ;)
Big hugs. You have so much on your plate with four kids, selling your home, no me time etc. Its no wonder your stressed and totally lost it. Nobody is perfect and sometimes one little thing can set you off.
If ever I get to the point where I feel out of control with my kids I take a deep breath, count to ten and go outside into the backyard. If I still am reeling I go to a spot where the kids cant see me and throw a brick as hard as I can against the grass (multiple times if necessary), this really helps me get the anger out. Then when I have calmed down I go inside and face the situation with a level head. Perhaps its a strategy that might help?
I hope today is a better day for you.
Big hugeeeeee hugs. :hug:
We all have days we're not proud of, I know I have. It's so frustrating and hard some days.
xox
I lost it in a similar fashion at DD either yesterday or the day before. i felt horrible. she did something, i have been feeling crappy - and i simply didn't have the ability to put up the "i'm not going to react like this" filters. she was in tears, i was in tears. it felt awful. totally awful. i have put a lot of time into trying to not be that person, and because of things going on at the moment, i just lost it
when we all calmed down, i gave her a cuddle and we talked. i explained to her that what i did was wrong and why. then we talked about what she did, and why that was wrong too.
it's not a case of "you're the adult, you are 100% responsible" - yes, you need to talk through what happened, admit that you were wrong, and deal with that - but your DD still did something wrong, and she needs to know that. she needs to know that ripping books/hitting the others or whatever else she has done is not acceptable and why. she is old enough to understand if you can talk to her
if you have the time (or can make it), yeah, you need help learning techniques to help you deal with the anger issues. but today, that's not possible - so you just have to deal with what has happened as effectively as possible - no blame, just accepting responsibility kwim??
i admire you opening up and reaching out for help hun. i was talking to someone on skype and fessed up cos i was a mess - i didn't make it to BB though. none of us are perfect, we all have triggers - and i guess you have found one that you now need to learn to "control".
massive hugs my friend
:hug: I can understand your frustration! At the moment I am weaning myself off steroids, and every time i drop a dose, for the next day or I am an emotional wreck and poor DS cops it- I do smack him occassionally. I am not going to deny that. But I will admit on these days he probably gets smacked over something he may not normally. My emotions are all over the place and I flip.
I think it is important to have a talk to her, but I also know she is 3 and she isnt really going to understand a whole deep and meaningful about your state of mind right now. I do think you do need to apologise, but i ASLO think she does need to know that what she did was wrong and inapproriate too. And that while acting out does get you attention, that she really needs to stop getting attention this way.
I dont know Mel.. I think maybe you may recognise that you may need some help, be it "proffessional" help (sorry that makes me think of someone carting you off in a straight jacket, and i dont think you need THAT) or maybe just some guidence and some tools to help you cope. But i think DD needs some help too, because even the most calmest relaxed person would lose it if they had a little person 24/7 going at them and everyone around them.
I hope things improve for you all soon mate, we are here to listen and hug and not judge xoxoxox
Oh hun sounds like you have a lot going on and sometimes there is only so much a person can deal with..... I think you are an amazing lady oxoxo
^^yeah that:
:hug: :hug: :hug: I think you're an amazing mum who had a bad day.
Well I read your post and I thought - life as an imperfect mother, and good on you for being honest, realizing you need to work on something and planning on doing it :hug:. Than I read some of the replies and thought did I read the same post or did I read about someone who beat their child and locked them in a wardrobe?? :rolleyes: Obviously you recognize the issue, you reacted in anger and frustration - I don't think smacking is the issue whatsoever, but then I don't have any issue with smacking itself provided it's not hurtful or out of anger - the problem is your self control only took you so far this time. Let's not forget you did show self control - you smacked your child on their bottom and threw them into bed, you didn't assault them and throw them on the ground or into a wall like a DOCS case, you just need to show some more so you can stick to your boundaries and discipline with more restraint next time - I second screaming into a pillow, or locking yourself into the toilet putting your hands in your ears and singing loudly for a couple of minutes when it all gets too much - then taking it on.
You're a good mum, you just had a moment, we all do.
Whilst I might not have been so forward I tend to agree with Miss Em.
Am I judging you? Hell no. I have done the same thing. Do I think you need help? No. But yes I do believe it is important as adults to take responsibility for our actions. And I think turning around and only talking about what your DD did wrong is only going to say to her that your actions are justified. And the next time she's upset and lashes out and then gets in trouble for reacting the exact same way you did she will be hurt, severely so and feel confused as to why it was not ok.
I saw a psych a few years back regarding some issues I had with my past. I talked to her about my temper with my kids. And the one thing she said to me was this. It's not as simple as being "the perfect parent" but how you deal with your reactions is what makes you a good parent vs. a bad parent. In that she meant yes, I am going to lose my temper but how I rectify that and how I take responsibility for my actions is what makes you the kind of parent you are.
My children know I am not perfect and that is what I want them to know. That I am not some idol that they put on a pedestal that when they hit teen years they realise, the bubble bursts and then our relationship breaks when they look back and add up all my faults - which they do, and we've all done as young adults.
I parent the way I do not just for now, not just for them but also for me... so that in the future they never feel lied to, or betrayed by me or my actions.
Also please don't think that in anyway you are awful. You are not. You are human. The fact that you've reached out here makes you awesome. Don't lose sight of that. None of us are perfect, but it's how we deal with our imperfections that separates us xxx