Birth and bonding

Just wondering if anyone else might have had a simliar experience and may have some insight.

When DS was born, aside from relief that it was over, all I really felt was surprise - where did this baby come from?. There was a complete disconnect from him as the baby in my tummy and it took several weeks before i really got used to the idea of him as my child. I love him. Absolutely. But even now I sometimes feel this disconnect and I wonder, just for second, who is this person?

When DD was born I felt elation and immediate connection. Not that rush of powerful mother love like some describe, but I knew she was mine. And I've never wondered where she came from or looked on her as a stranger.

So I wonder if it's due to the birth experience - I certanily didn't get the usual hormones during DS birth since it was an induction.
Or is it to do with birth order?
Or maybe because of their differing genders?

I guess it doesn't really matter, I'm just curious.

If you had the injection to help placenta release- it can cause these feelings- or rather a lack of feelings towards baby.
I felt similar with DS1 maybe its a 1st child thing too?

I was told by more than a few people that i should be careful how negative i was prior to DS2's birth as i would struggle to bond with him. I never did for a second, regardless of the crappiness preceeding, or his actual arrival.

I did feel more mothering towards him as a wee baby - but i have wondered if thats because i feel a bit guilty for him missing out on a birth, and also because i knew more what to expect from breastfeeding and late nights and all that fun stuff.

Perhaps it's birth order? Perhaps it's birth? Gender is not a factor for me.

Might be a combination of all those things. Least we didn't eat them aye. ;)

I absolutely believe it has to do with birth.

My gf and I were talking about this yesterday and she's certainly not in any way associated with any birthing communities iykwim? Just a mum who had 2 kids. And she feels the trauma of her sons birth in a lot of ways lead to a similar feeling that animals go through when the birthing process is traumatic or tampered with. Like a state of emotional rejection. Not a physical rejection of the child but a feeling of "who is this?" iykwim?

Absolutely, a less than ideal birth is a huge contributor to difficulty bonding. My feelings of shock and disconnection were amplified by my separation from DS for days after his arrival. It took me at least 2 months to feel somewhat connected to my baby. But I think in the end, our rough start has strengthened our bond. In some ways, my hardships in the beginning solidifies my belief that I would do anything for my son. I fought so hard to regain my strength, even when I felt like giving up. It might sound weird, but as awful as it all was, and as much as I want to change what happened to us - I wear my scars like a badge of honour. My heart was bruised, but not broken.

Thanks for the thought provoking post!

I didn't feel bonded with DD. She was taken out of me, wrapped up, and taken away. I didn't feel much for her when they bought her in to show me 2 hours later. A quick ten minute visit, and then I saw her again 24 hours later.
In the first 3 days I think I spent about 6-7 hours with her.
It took me a long time to feel bonded with her, I know I didnt have a normal birth process anyway because of DD being sick and needing to go to RCH asap.
I didn't hold her until day 4. DP held her on day 3, as he was so in love with her and I could see the plea in his eye when we were told that one of us could hold her.

It took about 2-3 months (well after we were home from hospital) to feel properly bonded with her. I have no issues now, she's my little girl.
But, I still have doubts. Maybe I'm not as bonded to her as I think.

MadB, it sounds like we had quite similar experiences - I feel very much the same as you do, and I blame the trauma of DD1's birth on the lack of bonding we had to overcome when she was born. Even now, I am a lot closer to DD2 than to DD1, and sometimes get that 'who are you?' feeling towards her :(
I was induced with DD1, hurt like hell, bled half to death, couldn't BF, sucked at sleep deprivation. For about the first 2 or 3 months, while I did love her and was caring for her the best way I knew how, she didn't feel like 'mine', I kept telling DH and my parents that I was just waiting for her 'real mum' to show up and take her, I felt like I was just babysitting. I thought I bonded really well with her, my instincts kicked in straight away and I would have laid down my life to protect her, and I truly loved her, I just had that disconnect as to who she was and where she came from - still do at times.
DD2, despite looking exactly like her father (DD1 is my mirror image) - perfect bond there. Spontaneous labour, no post-birth complications, breastfed before her cord was even cut, co-slept, blah blah - living the dream. I never had those odd feelings with her, that I did with DD1. I always attributed it to first-time mum confusion, but I know lots of mums who can't relate to the disconnected feelings even with their first, so I suspect it may have something to do with the way she was born and the complications resulting from messing with nature. That's not to say that (for eg) c-sec mums don't bond with their kids, everyone's different, but I do feel that for me, stuffing around with induced birth and inhibiting the natural processes DID have an effect on how I bonded with my first child.
*hugs*

I felt a little like this after DD birth but I think that was more from the shock of having such a fast birth and then having to be stitched and fiddled with. Then when we came home with her it was still "weird" and I was almost scared of her because I had this notion in my head that she would just die. Plus the problems we had BF etc.

I loved her of course but I just felt like "yep this is my baby" itms??

I personally DON'T feel the injection for the release of the placenta had anything to do with it, just a fast labour and birth, BF problems and my own fears that she was going to be taken away from me.

It did take a while to really FEEL that lovey dovey overwhelming mother stuff, so really I believe it has to do with a combination of birth and maybe past experiences (where applicable).

:dunno:

Nae x x

:

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I felt a little like this after DD birth but I think that was more from the shock of having such a fast birth and then having to be stitched and fiddled with. Then when we came home with her it was still "weird" and I was almost scared of her because I had this notion in my head that she would just die. Plus the problems we had BF etc.

I loved her of course but I just felt like "yep this is my baby" itms??

I personally DON'T feel the injection for the release of the placenta had anything to do with it, just a fast labour and birth, BF problems and my own fears that she was going to be taken away from me.

It did take a while to really FEEL that lovey dovey overwhelming mother stuff, so really I believe it has to do with a combination of birth and maybe past experiences (where applicable).

:dunno:

Nae x x

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I totally understand why you would have fears of her being taken away/dying. That's completely understandable. :hug:
I think it's going be really weird next time I have a baby, it's going to stay with me (not be taken away straight away). I'll be able to hold it immediately after birth, it'll stay in my room (not 2 blocks away in a totally different hospital) I'll get to take it home with me after a few days (not 6 1/2 weeks). I'm looking forward to it, but am also scared.
I don't want to get my hopes up too much, though. I'm happy with the fact that i'm going to go into a pregnany and birth being well informed and, god willing, with a perfectly healthy baby.
(not pg!)

I think it's an individual thing, it's hard to say whether it's trauma or being a first time mother, I guess it just depends on who you are.

For me, I knew DD the moment I looked into her eyes. She just *was* my baby, I felt so connected with her. Maybe it helped that we had named her and used her name all through the pregnancy? I'm not sure. She looked exactly how I imagined she would look, like me (surprising, as DH is dark and I am light). Her birth was not traumatic in any way, it was quite the opposite; calm, peaceful. DH delivered her and passed her through my legs and it was an instant bond. We had BF problems but that didn't effect our relationship either. So I really think it's down to the individual and not just the experiences, as I'm sure there are women who had trauma who bonded straight away and ones who didn't who felt that disconnect.

i had a rough birth (induction due to bleeding, assaults during labour, non consentual episiotomy and vac delivery), but after delivery was pretty good. Staff changed, i had skin to skin, baby did the breast crawl and was able to bf and I was not seperated from baby at all. While i had really intense and negative (sad rather than mad) feelings about the labour i had no trouble 'bonding' with DD. The positive few hours after birth definitely contributed and started the healing.

I have often wondered the same MadB!!

DD1 was a c/s and DD2 was a VBAC. When DD1 was born I couldn't connect that she was the baby in my belly. I missed being pregnant. Whenever I felt something in my tummy I would think it was the baby kicking and then have to remind myself I'd had the baby! I couldn't understand she was mine. It took me ages to say I was a mum! But I did feel I bonded with her anyway and we are still so close. Now, I don't feel closer to one than the other at all. When DD2 was born I didn't have this problem. I saw her come out of me and felt that she was my baby straight away. I never missed being pregnant after. So I think it might have something to do with the birth. I didn't actually feel DD1 come out but I saw myself push DD2 out. But also I think maybe birth order played a part. I didn't know what I was doing first time around, it took me a while to feel like a Mum. With DD2 I was already a Mum and knew what I was doing iykwim.

I actually felt a little oppsosite. I think i bonded well with both my bubs, both Csections, but with DS (first live born) I got to have that 100% with him no ditractions one on one time from the second i held him. With DD, they did take her away in recovery for a few minutes and when we were going back to the room, she was in a humi cot, where as with Shane he was in my arms feeding as we were wheeled to the room, and pretty much didnt leave my arms from that second on!!! With DD even at hospital she spent more time in her crib then Shane did. I did hol dher and still fed her and did co sleep, but she was also just as content to have some her time, and still is. And then there were times once we were home where she was quite happy to lay there with her dummy and go to sleep, she was easy. But it meant there wasnt that constant cuddle time... there wasnt that whole "You are my entire world" thing.. it was more, "Ok your part of my world and thats really cool"

Sorry going off topic a bit.. but i think in a way i guess i am disagreeing just a little on the birth thing. i think yes, if you have had a traumatic or distressing birth as some mums here have, then i can understand the difficulties with bonding, but then i also think that other factors play a part. :)

Thanks everyone for different perspectives.
With regards to DS' birth, i think the key things were that the induction drugs (not hte one to expell the placenta) suppressed all natural oxytocin and endorphins. Maybe that makes a difference? Also, and perhaps more importantly, I didn't birth him. He was extracted from me by the doctor.
Heaven I also would feel things that I would think for a split second were the baby kicking again! Maybe subconsciously I had trouble moving on from the pregnancy

No doubt there are lots of variables and we are all different anyway.

ETA - also, I get the fierce mother bear thing. It took time with DS but I have it in spades. It's not that.

I guess we are each individuals and will feel things differently.

DD was a pretty rough birth - induced for 4 days before going into labour for 16 hrs that then ended in a emerg c-sect - but she was given to me right out of my tummy and we snuggled for
15-20 mins skin to skin while I was stiched up then she went with DH to meet grand parents and I went to recovery - she was then with me in recovery for the whole time and never left my room for the 4 days after her c-sect. I couldnt breast feed at all. so she was fully FF.

DS birth was a breeze compared - VBAC 10 hrs and 3rd degree tear - he again got skin to skin and never left my side for the 24 hrs we were in hossy. Still couldnt BF so FF again....

I feel the exact same bond with both - that they are def my babies and I know them already so well...even though their births were polar opposits!

I do now look at my tantruming 2.75 YO and think "who is this screaming child!!" LOL

Thanks for starting this thread, I've never actually asked anyone if they felt the same as me so it's good to read similar experiences.

I never felt any kind of love or attachment to Moo for several weeks after his birth. I said "I love you" to him so many times a day in the hope that I would start feeling it ITMS? I was having a bit of a vent to a friend when he was a month or so old about newborns in general. She said "But you wouldn't change it for the world would you." And I thought to myself, that yes I could quite easily hand him over and not feel anything. I felt terrible for thinking like this!

Moo was born after a very long labour, it was 22 hours of active labour with no urge to push whatsoever. They were all set up for ventouse delivery but he was just too far up so I had to push him out myself, very hard without that urge :lol: So that was 2 hours of pushing in the end. The actual delivery was wonderful as I was able to bring him up to my chest myself. There was quite a lot of blood loss so I had the injection for the placenta. But then once that was over and I was tucked up in bed with him I just felt nothing.

All I wanted was to have a nice hot shower. I felt really resentful that 'they' were making me stay in bed with him when I just wanted to get up and moving again. After awhile we had the first breastfeed which went fine but then I was straight up into the shower. I didn't have any rush of love or any kind of protective feelings that I've heard others describe.

I missed the baby that was inside me and I didn't feel like Moo was the same baby, even though I knew he was. I missed the baby I had been carrying. Now I love him so much and am extremely protective but certainly not straight away. I felt disconnected for some time.

This time I'm already really excited about holding the baby and can't wait to see what he looks like etc. I don't want any visitors for a few days so there won't be any interruptions. So perhaps it will be different the 2nd time around. But if not I'm prepared for that too.

I felt it straight away, he was mine, my boy, my son. I'd held him for 9 months and I was gonna hold him for a lot more! The only thing that surprised me was how adorable he was! I just wanted to soak up every little bit of him. His ears summed it up for me, the top half is exactly like his Daddy's ears, and his bottom half is exactly like mine, I knew he belonged to us. I had a c/s but had skin to skin and b'feeding straight away.

I didn't feel like I knew his likes or dislikes straight away, I had to get to know that, but I knew that I would love him as much as I possibly could.

My mother had 3 c/s, and she often talked about how much she fell in love with us straight away, so I didn't really have any other expectations, which could have been a factor.

I certainly felt a connection and knew DD was mine. I was induced & the induction failed and ended up with an 'emergency' c-sect. I didn't have skin to skin contact until I was out of recovery and in my room. Then I bf her there, can't say what time it was I was in a haze, but I would think no longer than an hour after she was born????

I felt similarly after both my births even though they were completely different. DD1 was a difficult and long VB. Straight afterwards, I was just exhausted and didn't feel a surge of love. Fascination yes, love no. That didn't hit till about two weeks later.

DD2 was an elective caesar. I felt a little differently. I felt very, very lucky and grateful to have her. I call her my miracle baby - not because she was difficult to conceive but because of other issues that had made it a very hard journey to have her (housebound for six months during the pregnancy). She also seemed like a miracle to me because she was much less active in utero than DD1, so much so that I went to the ob twice because I was worried about her lack of movement. Apart from having a big belly and lots of physical issues to manage (pelvic instability and gestational diabetes), I didn't actually feel pregnant. So until she actually arrived, I didn't really believe I had a baby inside me.

I think the love took a little longer to kick in with DD2. I'm not sure whether it was because of the birth or just because you're busier second time around and don't have as much time to just hold and stare at your baby (although obviously I spent hours a day doing just that anyway).

Well obviously I haven't had my second baby yet so can't comment there, but I can say I wasn't in love with DD straight away. She was this squeaky helpless creature that everyone else seemed to be completely enthralled with until a point I think about the second day after I'd had her - It was the first time I'd been alone with her during the day, I was sitting in the nursery in the sunshine thinking "lets give this bf-ing thing a go" and the radio was playing, so I started to gently sing to her as she fed. And that was the moment I bonded with her and felt she was definitely mine.

Her birth was induced, but wasn't what I'd classify as overly traumatic. But I did find the swarm of people wanting to see her that first day was very distracting (seriously, about 6 or 7 different people in the first 3 hours of her life) and having all the medical staff checking us over every little while it made it quite difficult to bond with her in our own space. This time I think I might keep it to immediate family only for the first day at least.

I think I've figured this out.

I saw Prof Miriam Labbok talk at the LRC conference on the weekend about guilt and breastfeeding.
She talked also about how she believes pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and the interim years till the next baby should be treated as one continuum, rather than separating it into segments, as we generally do, and care for mothers should be continuous. She also talked about how our mammalian brains control these processes, and expect a normal progression of physiological and hormonal events, and when something interrupts these processes - such as a traumatic birth, separation after birth, not breastfeeding, for eg - our bodies can interpret this as the loss of our baby. What can follow, to one extent or other, is a very real grieving process.

After a completely managed labour and delivery my son spent his second night in the nursery. He'd had some funny poos and they offered to keep an eye on him, just in case. We were anxious and agreed. But I distinctly remember thinking, as the midwife took him away, that he was going and that was that. I always thought I was just overly hormonal, or tired or neurotic. But I think, actually, I was grieving the loss of my child and maybe, somewhere deep in my mammalian brain, I believe that my child died that night.

It's a bit of a light bulb moment and explains a lot of the confused feelings. Just thought I'd share.

I had a induced VB for my DD. She was stillborn but I felt that immediate love surge for her as I held her I couldn't believe how beautiful and perfect she was.
For my DS I had a failed induction and an emergency C/S. I got the surge of love for him before I even held him when they showed him to me. I wish I'd had immediate skin on skin but I did get that in recovery. We now spend HOURS just staring at each other.

madb - that is exactly how i felt.... but I had two fantastic labours and births; and the injection both times. I think that i was just so sobbing shocked with DS that a baby actually came out, let alone breathing and mine, that i sort of retreated a bit iykwim

I think the second time around you can really appreciate the treasure you have and you *know* (more than just intellectually knowing, you emotionall know) what it is like to have a baby, and how precious this time is.

but like PZ said, it's just such a personal thing, who knows! lol

DD1 was a c/s, I didn't have her in recovery and then she had her first night in the nursery. I remember panicking at other times waking up and desperately searching for my baby in my bed, well before we coslept. But I did bond with her well, loved her so much and never felt a disconnect with her. And it's only after DD2's birth that I realise the disconnect was in the way we became a family.

DP and I fought right before I was taken down to theatre. We'd been delayed for hours, I was so anxious about the c/s and then I couldn't hold her after her birth like we'd wanted. I told DP I didn't want him there, I was so upset with him. He did come, but it wasn't a great precursor to her birth. After she was delivered, DP and DD1 went off without me while i was in recovery and only a short time after we were reunited DP had to go home. DD1 is then in the nursery alone, I'm in my room alone and DP is at home alone. Our first night as a family. It makes me cry when I think about it now, because now I know what it should have been like.

DP and I struggled with each other and with parenting together after DD1. Maybe this was us and had nothing to do with her birth, but I can't help but think that didn't help. DP did not want to have another child for many years and one of his main reasons was that he was worried about the birth being like DD1's, that we'd fight and he wouldn't be there. DD2's birth has been so healing.

DD2 was born in our home, surrounded by her family. The first person to touch her was me, no one else held her or looked into her eyes before me. Her sister touched her, cut her cord and then her daddy cuddled her. She was never out of my sight. She has never been separated from her family, not once. We were all together for almost a week before DP went back to work. It makes me cry remembering how we welcomed DD2 into our family too, but the tears are for the joy and rightness of the experience this time.

It really made sense to me when I watched the Face of Birth and Hannah Dahlen speaks of the relationships lost from bad birth experiences. It's not that DD1's was bad, it just wasn't good.

That's so interesting MadB, makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks for sharing.

I believe, for me, it had nothing to do with the birth. I never "fell in love" with my baby, or my toddler, or my school-age son. I never "fell in love" with my husband either. I am not a "fall in love" sort of person.

I do, however, adore my son and we get on great. But I never bonded with him. And I wish I had stopped beating myself up about that sooner, and stopped blaming the birth process or thinking it was somehow indicitive of PND. It's just me and I shouldn't try to be anyone else. I'm fully prepared for it to happen again with Stormy, only this time it won't bother me.

I only have one child so I can't compare things but I certainly didn't feel connected to my DS after birth. My labour was long 25 hours and 2 hours were spent pushing. I didn't have sleep for about 2 nights and didn't eat for more than 24 hours. I was so exhausted after my birth that I had double vision, was faint and couldn't hold myself up. I remember when they put DS on my boob after delivery that I couldn't even put my arm around him and I could barely even focus on what was going on. It was only much later that someone told me that I was in shock and suffering from exhaustion. At the time I thought there was something wrong like loss of blood or retained placenta.

I feel really bad saying it but I told the nursing staff that I couldn't care for him that night. Which they responded that I would in fact have to. My bond with my baby started after I had slept for a few hours it was only then that I began to realise that I had actually had a little bubba. The bond increased over days. The difficulty establishing breast feeding also threatened my bond with my baby but I was able to overcome that feeling through researching breast refusal and learning about what was going on.

Reading back over this is interesting. I've now had baby #2 and whilst I was again induced and had quite a medicalised birth, we did a few things differently. Namely immediate skin-to-skin and breastfeeding in the birth suite shortly after he was born - he did the breast crawl and everything :) We also didn't announce the birth until the next morning (he was born shortly after 9pm and we didn't get back to the ward till after midnight) and had no visitors until the next afternoon - it was just us. He did have to spend a couple of hours away from me under the warmers as he was struggling to maintain his temperature, but I still felt like we had bonded with him a lot better as those first precious few hours weren't disrupted.