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Do you think it's better to find out the sex at your scan - to grow used to the idea of the sex you are having (obviously if it's not the sex you want), or to wait until birth and hope that the joy of having a baby outweighs the disappointment of the sex?
With DS I didn't find out and was happy to wait.
With this pregnancy, because I have PND (with history of severe depression and anxiety) and it was a very unexpected BFP, my support team suggested finding out the sex of bub - because I didn't know if I could handle having another DS, no connection with the pregnancy, relapse in PND and anxiety etc. However, having found out, it still doesn't make it anymore real to me, but it isn't related to the gender itms
I guess it really comes down to how disappointed would you be if you got a certain outcome?
Im finding out so I can adjust. Either way it goes is going to take some processing
I never wanted to no sex pre birth, I did have slight disappointment at having a 2nd boy but pretty much went as soon as I saw him. I think if I had known before hand i would have been a lot more upset at coming to terms with 2 boys compared to a surprise and falling in love as soon as I saw him.
I havent had any gender disappointment with any pregnancy. I am, we are happy with what ever gender baby we are graced with. But my stress does come about with other peoples wants. DH's family wants us to have a boy, they have wanted a boy every time. First time round was because thats whats happens in that family. Second time round was because we already have a girl and one of each would be good. Then this time round they want a boy because that would be nice to cover both genders.
This time round everyone is saying they think its a boy because thats the obvious reason for us having another baby. That way we would be finished having babies and settle on the family we have. So my rebellious side is saying please be a girl, cause that would give it to them. :lol: But I honestly dont mind this time round.
I think if you are hoping for a particular gender, even if its just deep down and you don't openly admit it, it might be good to find out to adjust.
From someone who has been there, find out.
I didn't find out either time, I wanted to bond with the baby - I gave it a non-gender-specific nickname and thought I dealt with it. However we always said we'd just have 2 - but now I want to try for another. I do wish I had a girl.
I was desperate for a girl with my last pregnancy but didn't find out and convinced myself it was two boys. I knew that in the moment of birth I wouldn't be disappointed either way and if I was wrong about the genders (which I was, I got one of each) then it would only make that moment of birth better.
I would and will find out. I don't know why, but I'm terrified of having a boy. I want 3 children, but I'm so scared the next one is going to be a boy, hence making my final pregnancy stressful waiting to know the sex. I don't know how I'd deal with only having one girl :( So I'd find out, so I'd have time to adjust.
I've always been 100% don't find out. I know some people have their reasons (for example, I completely understand why Skybie wants to find out), but it just doesn't make sense to me.
With Ianto, had we found out, I would've been a disappointed. I always wanted a girl first. When he was born and I was told he was a boy, my mind just went "well of course he is!" even though I'd spent my pregnancy calling him "her".
With Amelia, I was more concerned about whether I was right about her being a girl than I was about her actually being one :lol:
I would find out for sure. I feel like knowing my baby's gender in my pregnancy allowed me to bond with him on a total different level than if I had not found out. (I knew in my heart it was going to be a boy). When next time happens for us, I am actually hoping we have a boy as I really want 2 boys, so I'll be finding out ASAP as I would want to be prepared either way and have time to bond with it whilst still inside me and come to terms with it - as I think meeting a newborn and emotional adjustment needed for that would be far too difficult if the gender was not as expected or hoped IMO
Sent from my iPhone more than likely while I should be doing something else!
Also from someone who's been there....in my opinion I think it helps to find out.
My first pregnancy we left it a surprise. We had a boy...but wasn't to fazed as I was feeling more blessed to finally have our long awaited baby and figured my next baby was sure to be a girl (because I had always 'planned' on having one of each....I only had 1 boys name and 1 girls name picked out....which I'd loved for many years).
Then when I found out i was pregnant again- initially I said I didn't want to know again, but 1 week before the scan day I started to reconsider and then the day of the scan I decided I really needed to know to prepare myself (and think of another boys name if required). We found out we were having another boy. Yes I cried a fair bit after finding out but it became less throughout the pregnancy. Then on the birth day I knew I was ready to just focus on loving my new son (instead of being sad that i didn't get a daughter).
Also I think if I had of left it be a surprise i would likely have let myself look at girls things and possibly even had bought stuff (actually I know I would have) and then to have to go through it all I'm sure it would've stirred all those emotions again.
So if you feel you'll need time to adjust to the outcome I do recommend finding out...and if your not ready just yet- maybe get them to write it down so you's can leave it a few more weeks to decide if you's need to know and then also you's can open it in private (that's what i had planned to do if we went for baby#3 which at this stage is unlikely)
:crossfingers: you get the result you's are after though.
Bec sent this from her Samsung using Tapatalk.
I didn't want to find out with DD. I desperately wanted a girl, but I knew if I found out it was a boy I would harbour feelings of disappointment. And I didn't want that for even a second. She was my first and I had no idea about the reality of gender disappointment.
With DS I was following the same path, didn't want to know to stave off the feeling of disappointment (wanted another girl), but I found out by accident. I will always wish I hadn't. More though because of the surprise at the birth was lost. I was so stunned to find that (for me). I had known a long time but the feelings for me didn't start until much later after birth, so knowing or not didn't make any difference.
I don't think there is an answer....I'm pondering it again with #3.
Thanks ladies, it's actually hubby, not me. I know how desperately he would love a boy and we are undecided as to whether we will have a third child so I'd love him to get his boy. Females run in his family quite heavily (he is the youngest after 6 girls, with three living sisters and he has 4 aunties, no uncles on either side).
I am concerned if we find out at the scan, he will show litte interest in the rest of the pregnancy whereas if we wait, I know he will fall in love with the baby regardless of sex. I really think we're having another girl (which I'm excited about, DD will love a sister!)
I had the same issues here, hubby really wants a boy. Won't even consider it being a girl, so I have not found out.
I didn't want him disengaging from the pregancy and the baby before it was even out. My husband calls the baby He all the time lol but we still could have a girl.
I really don't care so long as the baby is healthy which is what I want, so I do understand how you feel.
My DH doesn't want to find out with #2 but I need too. I was pretty upset when I was told DS was a boy as I really want a little girl. Because we are only having 2 I think I will need the time to come to terms with it if it's a boy. I know I will love it no matter what but I guess u get this perfect pic in your head and when it doesn't happen it takes time to adjust.
We found out both times. You could see the dissapointment on DH face when the lady said girl, I did not press the issue with him, I gave him time to sort it out in his head, within a couple of weeks he had accepted it and was happy to know he would have 2 princesses to teach to ride motorbikes:) FIL on the otherhand, acted as if I was not even pregnant after we told him it was a girl. Once she was born though he came around. We have decided on having another baby one day and we have both decided to leave it as a surprise. I am unfased as to what we have, DH definately wants a boy so by waiting he says he will not care once he sees the baby.
DH cousin however, has a DS and found out she is pregnant with another boy. She does not even talk about her pregnancy, When a friend asked 'your having a boy right' she said 'yeah don't remind me'. They are already talking about going to Thailand next to do gender selection IVF. :( I am sad for this baby boy due in Nov, I really hope once he is born her emotions change. She went through so much in the beginning of the pregnancy with her NT results and having an amnio, I would think just that he is a healthy baby would be all that mattered, but that is just how I think.
I definitely wanted to find out, I wanted time to prepare myself and I wanted the birth to be all about joy. I didn't want it tinged witheven the slightest disappointment regarding gender. I knew we would love any baby and figured if we already knew, then gender would not be an issue by the time bub arrived.
Someone else made a good point, about looking at baby gear when you are pregnant. I think if you have a wish for one gender more than another, it is easy to get drawn in to all the 'stuff' out there and picture your baby a certain way (in my case, in pretty pink dresses). If you already know that 's not the reality it gives you time to adjust.
This, I don't know about. I understand your concern and I would be worried that if you are right & his interest in the pregnancy drops off, you are going to suffer for it (coming from someone who had an uninterested partner a couple of itmes - it hurts.) If it were for yourself, I would say find out. For him, I am not so sure.:
If you feel knowing the gender would make your DH disconnect from you and the pg, then I wouldn't find out. I've been through a pg where my DH had absolutely zero interest in the pregnancy right up until the last few weeks and it hurts like you would not believe - our first pg was a surprise just after we got married and DH was not prepared for that at all as he wanted to wait a while to have a baby and when he found out I was pg he completely withdrew from me. Experiencing all the happiness and special moments that being pg brings was really hard because I had no one to share in that with me. And you really notice the lack of support as well and I think you being supported during the pg is more important at this point in time. But I think you really need to talk to him about the way he feels and find out exactly what issues he has so you can work on them because it may not change after you have the baby either.
I have a DS and a DSD, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to birth a baby girl of my own, so I will be finding out so I can adjust and accept a boy if that's what we've got. I know my sister, Kylz, was so upset when she found out her DS was a boy, but now I can't imagine him being anything else, and either can she!
DP is hell bent it's a boy, I'm pretty certain it's a girl (totally different pregnancies so far!). DP wants to leave it a suprise, but I just can't. This is my last pregnancy and I wouldn't want the "dissappointment" to happen in the delivery room, I'd rather have 20 weeks to get used to either sex.
I haven't spoken to hubby about this. He wouldn't in a million years admit he'd be disappointed with another girl, and perhaps I am not giving him enough credit, perhaps underestimating him. He's an amazing father and absolutely adores our daughter. That's why I think if we wait until it's born, any disappointment will be short-lived as I'm sure he'll fall in love with another girl if that's how it works out.
Thanks for your help, really appreciate it ladies x
It helped me when we found out DS. Hubby and I already have his two son's from a previous marriage that live with us, so we tried to gender sway for a girl. We found out the gender at the 19 week scan because I was terrified that if we waited until bub was born and it was a boy, that my first thought about my newborn baby would be "oh, but we hoped for a girl". I didn't want to feel anything negative towards my baby. So we found out he was a boy. My first thought was a happy "oh my gosh we're having a son", but I'll admit that for maybe half an hour after that I was a little sad that we weren't having a girl. I knew I wanted to parent both a girl and a boy, and hubby was definitely only going to have two babies with me (yes, I'm pregnant with a VERY surprise bub, haha), so I was terrified that with the first being a boy, and DH already having two, that our next would also be a boy. I then got used to the idea and very quickly became super excited about having a son. I could then buy all the gorgeous little boy clothes, and plan his "going home" outfit and all that fun stuff.
We now have a baby girl too, but we went through quite a bit to get her. I'm now pregnant with our "Baby Boo" and this time I want the surprise "It's a ....!" moment after the birth. Hubby wasn't hoping too well with the thought of yet another baby, so his way of getting excited was to find out the sex at our 12 week scan. He now knows the gender with 80% certainty and he has to keep that a secret, lol. It's amazing how knowing the gender can help with coping under certain circumstances. I think for hubby it's brought him emotionally closer to the baby and made things more "real" for him.
With our DD my DH was convinced we were having a boy.. we decided to find out.. we did and she was a girl.. he was dissappointed, i know he was but it only took him about a week to get used to the idea and now he only wants girls..
hence why with number 2 we will be finding out too..
In regards to MY reasons of wanting to find out, iknow id bond better with my baby knowing what she was. As soon as i knew i called her she and her.. id ask her what names she liked and id test it on her a few times (sounds rediculus i know lol)
With baby #2.. (if there ever is one :( :( ) we will be finding out because i want another girl(i really want my DD to have a sister so when they grow up together they *might* be good for eachother like me and my sister are) ill be ok with a boy obviously, but id need time to come to terms with it.
I needed to know. I wasn't concerned at all about what our first was, as we always planned a second, and it was supposed to be a pigeon pair - but I needed to know with DD1 so I could think about names, buy pink or blue baby gear, plan a nursery etc etc... I really wasn't fussed, just wanted to know beforehand so I could prepare, I would hate to have to buy unisex or nothing and then go nuts with shopping and preparations while recovering from birth!
With our second... I NEEDED to know. I had to find out so I could put myself out of my misery - it was SUPPOSED to be a boy but I couldn't keep my hopes up only to have them dashed. And sure enough, at the 20-week scan, DH and I both saw it was a girl before the sonographer even opened her mouth - I burst into tears and DH was devastated. Strangely enough, he recovered from the shock within a week or two and was okay with what we'd been given, I on the other hand needed a good 10-12 weeks after the scan to adjust, come to terms with it and learn to love our second little girl. I could not have gone into the labour ward hoping to have a boy and then been handed a girl.... it would have killed me. I wouldn't have bonded, breastfeeding would have failed, I would have rejected that baby and had a terrible relationship with it, had I left it until birth to find out. I needed so much time to accept it, it had to be done before baby arrived, and I'm very glad that I did find out at 20 weeks because it gave me lots of time to adjust.
I don't expect people who haven't suffered gender disappointment to understand that (and that's why we have a PSG for it), but that's the way I felt it. I can't speak for what I would do if my DH were the one concerned about gender - he wanted a boy but really wasn't fussed either way, as long as s/he was healthy, it was *me* losing sleep and having wild fantasies about terminating and 'trying again' when I found out I wasn't getting a boy.
No matter what happens, your DP will love this child and be a great dad, but in my experience it's better to find out at 20 weeks and use the remaining 20 weeks to get into a better headspace, than to give birth, be unpleasantly surprised and then have to cope with a newborn as well as grappling with disappointment, resentment, anger etc. Good luck.
Glamourcide is correct, it is a hard path when you know that there is a chance of gender dissapointment. I didn't find out with my first 2 pregnancies as I knew I would have a 3rd (and hopefully 4th) found out with my 3rd hoping like crazy I would be having my girl, seems to happen to everyone else. Wasn't too be, I was devasted, cried for a week, lived in hope that the sonographer was wrong so much so that I had to have a 3d scan just too stop myself fantasing that it could still be a girl.
This time around I also found out, and it is another little boy, I have handled this one better as I know how much I love my 3rd son and couldn't imagine our lives without him so I know that it will be the same with this little man and I'm slowly letting go of my dreams of my life with a daughter and my dreams are now replaced with being the Mum to 4 boys. We have chosen not to tell people what we are having so I get comments daily about it being a girl, people assume we are only having this baby for the girl but I always wanted 4 children, just pictured both sexes in amongst it.
I'm not sure what is right for you to do, if you really are not bothered about what the sex is and your DH isn't pressing to find out the gender at the scan I'd say wait for the surprise. I must say I do prefer the surprise at birth I just didn't have the courage to do it for my last 2 babies cos I knew my dissapointment would tarnish that special moment.
I found out, although my story is a little different. I definitely wanted a boy second time around but more than that I just didn't want to be pregnant. My DD1 was only 3 months old, we had had a really rocky start and I just wasn't ready. Finding out helped me adjust to the disappointment of having another girl, and also shop specifically for her so that I could try to get excited by her existence.
This time round I won't be finding out. I couldn't care less what sex this baby is - just thrilled if we're blessed with a beautiful healthy baby.
I was so scared of having another boy, 3 full on boys would have tipped me over I think. DD was a gift we didnt expect and I suspected early on it was a girl because she was so different to my other 2 pregnancies. Here they arent allowed to tell you what the sex is, but they ladies at US gave our boys hints about it being different this time etc. I would have loved my baby no matter what, but we are so very happy it is a girl.
On another note- we went out to dinner afew nights ago and the young waitress asked if we had had our 2 sons to get a daughter- her parents had had 7 girls before they got the son they wanted- giving away 3 of their girls along the way.
Gender disappointment is common here. I know girls who were ignored by their grandparents or parents because they are girl. I know of babys being aborted at 5 months because they are not boys. Childrens welfare homes are full of little girls.
I can see both sides and understand them.
I have had 3 scans and all three times I have walked out and cried because all 3 times the scan revealed we were having girls. I feel quite alone in my disappointment, DH doesn't care what we have in fact he doesn't take an interest in pregnancy at all, I'd be lucky if he even touched the bump without my nagging.
He is great once the baby is out but while its in ....... nup no interest.
This will probably be our last baby, and its taken some time to "get over" the never having a boy, its all I wanted really. I am glad I found out early so then it gives me a chance to get use to the idea of another girl.
Nae x