Guardians for our children - unsure who to choose. #long#

After read another thread I have decided to finish doing our wills. The reason I haven't done them is I don't know who to leave our children with if something happened to both dh and I. I definitely don't want them going to dhs family, dh mother wouldn't care for them if she was paid for it, if for some reason she had no choice but to take them they would be very very unloved. Dhs brother is marrying dhs ex-wife and there is no way on earth I want them going to them. On my side, my mum isn't well enough to have them, my dad already has 2 grandkids in his care and my kids don't know him well, I got 3 brothers my kids dont really know, a sister who has 4 kids herself and I dont think she would cope with 4 more, a sister - my dad got her kids, another sister and there isn't anyway I would let my kids around her partner. The another choice is our friend, she lives across the road and she is the kids godmother. She is a single mum of 4 but her kids are 15 and older. The kids adore her and she adores them. I know she would care and love them the way they should be and give they plenty of hugs and kisses. I am leaning toward my friend, I haven't talked to her yet, I will when I decide 100%. but on the other hand I feel guilty not leaving them with family, for them and my family. I know my family would probably have fit about them not going to family. Am I meant to leave them with family just because they are 'family' or do I leave them with a friend who I know they will be happy with??

I've been struggling with this question too. It is something that will hopefully never ever matter but it is so important to get right.

You need to leave them in the care of someone who will love them and care for them in a way you consider appropriate, whether that's family or the lady across the street.

It is always a good idea to give the executor of your will a rough idea of what is in your will - preference for burial/cremation is an important one and the guardian of your kids.

It is unlikely you and DH would pass on anyway.

It is a just in case scenario, and you are just putting a preference in your Will, as the guardian at the time, has to lodge some form or something with the Family Court.

What you could do is put your friend, and the next most likely family member in your Will - say one of your brothers.

Might just lurke in here, having the exact same problem.
I guess you technically should pick a couple or a person who has a desire or appreciation for children, who has financial and emotional capabilities.. it's really quite difficult!
I've got plenty of close friends but they are young and just not at the child raising stage and what if we died tomorrow?

Hard call isn't it. I also have been thinking of the same.

By sounds of it your friend sounds like the best possible person in the unlikley event that something does happen to both of you.

We discussed this whilst pregnant with DS1. It's a tough call. For me, the most important thing is that our values are aligned and that the kids will feel loved and cherished. That doesnt have to be family. It's about what is best for the child. Assuming they are orphaned, who is the best person you know to care for traumatised, grieving kids and who will nurture them through school into a productive, independent life?

No one can replace you. Who is the next best alternative and would they be willing and able to raise your babies?

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It is unlikely you and DH would pass on anyway.

It is a just in case scenario, and you are just putting a preference in your Will, as the guardian at the time, has to lodge some form or something with the Family Court.

What you could do is put your friend, and the next most likely family member in your Will - say one of your brothers.

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Not quite right. People do, as couples, unfortunately pass away together - ie in car accidents, house fires, etc. You do not need to lodge any form with the Family Court.

If you put a guardian in your will, it's only a PREFERENCE. If there is a dispute between people who would like to look after the children, then the Family Court will determine, taking into account the best interests of the children, who they should live with. Listing someone as a "guardian" is only an indication - it is not binding.

In my Will, I have put my parents as guardians. However, the reality is that XH would end up with the children as he is their other biological parent, unless something miraculous happened.

Yes, it is something to think carefully about - but it's not the be all and end all of the situation. Imagine what would happen if you made a will when your children were toddlers, and then passed away when they were teenagers, and they didn't want to live with the "guardian" that you had put in your will when they were toddlers? What if you fell out with those people/relatives?

Best of luck with your decision.

I agree with what Divvy says to an extent, but the issue she raises in the last paragraph is exactly the reason why wills should be reviewed annually, and updated as necessary.

We have my mum down now, but as she gets older, it will probably be changed to my cousin. We didn't initially put my cousin down because at the time we wrote our will, she was not in a position to suddenly take on a child at no notice. As far as I'm concerned, nobody but the people involved need to know your wishes. If you want the kid's godmother, then see if she's willing. Nobody else needs to know.

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As far as I'm concerned, nobody but the people involved need to know your wishes. If you want the kid's godmother, then see if she's willing. Nobody else needs to know.

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Good point. Why tell the family if its just going to upset them?

We plan on leaving our boys with my brother and sil as they are the ones we feel would raise our children in a similar way to how we would have raised them.

DH was also adamant on his mum being guardian of the girls, but since her cancer he has had to concede that we need to choose someone else. We have chosen a good family friend, but have given his mother first choice of whether to take the girls or not.

I have major fear that my loser brother will step in and take the girls (and therefore the money). I am hoping we can stipulate never him.

I would tell your family. Otherwise, someone may object and have grounds to go to family court for guardianship.

This is really scary for DP and I. MIL is a nutcase and she would try it on. Especially since, in our situation, our DDs would have to go to family interstate. It's a close call for us, between someone in my family and our dearest friends. We haven't decided finally yet, but at this stage it's family. We have only recently been in a position to ask them if they are okay with guardianship, now their circumstances have changed. Before that, our friends were definitely in the best position to care for our DD. Financially they would be okay, because we have good life insurance.

We are intending to discuss this with both sides of our family, so they are aware of our wishes and we can gauge if there's likely to be conflict in the event of our deaths. We might be able to do something to head it off now. The last thing our kids would need after losing us is to watch their extended family fight over where they go. :(

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I have major fear that my loser brother will step in and take the girls (and therefore the money). I am hoping we can stipulate never him.

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Divvy do you know if it is possible to stipulate that the children are not to go to a certain person? I have the fear of dhs ex-wife and dhs brother trying to get them just to be spiteful and I know they wouldn't be treated right.

Thank you ladies. Dh and I talked about it today and we have decided to put our friend down as guardian if she is willing, then we will put 1 of my siblings as second choice. I am going to talk to her on friday about it.
Thinking about LoinsandBears questions I think she is the best person care for traumatised, grieving kids and will nurture them through school into a productive, independent life. I will tell my family when I can so it isn't objected if anything did happen to us.

Just one more question, can you get life insurance that can be binding? Does it have to be in the will or can it be left out of the will so people don't know and of course binding if they find out they can't object to who it goes to?

Thanks all.

What a great thread, DH and I going through this also..... so is so hard to make that decision .... interested to read peoples advice - thanks x

Some great points in this thread.

Lions and Bears said it well - it's got to be about the children and what's best for them.

Will telling your family now really help? Wouldn't it just give them time to stew on it and cause problems now? I'm sure whether or not they know it now, they can still object if it came to it. And the very fact it's in your will would tell them that it's what you want.

Divvy would be really interested to know about if you can make it binding in the will. It's a bit scary to think the family nutters could cause problems!!

After DS1 was born we discussed this at length. Partly due to the fact that DH has a substantial life insurance policy. We chose my parents and we had a big talk with them and also with DH's brother and explained that my parents would do the right thing - be that either raise the kids themselves or arrange that they be cared for by either my siblings or my DH's siblings depending on circumstances (most likely DH's second brother). My DH's mum is unsuitable and we were very concerned that she would launch some sort of legal fight. It wouldn't be a first. We discussed it with both families. Not in the least bit worried if anyone was offended! They're my kids - i want the best for them, should the worst happened.

We asked our friend and she said yes. :D We will be putting one of my family down as a second person. Now I just got to find out the ins and outs of making as much as we can binding. Thanks for the replies.

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Divvy do you know if it is possible to stipulate that the children are not to go to a certain person?

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That's actually a really good question. I don't want my DD living with my brother (we actually have no contact with him at all) due to things he did to me as a child. Similarly, I don't want her to live with my sister as she is unstable with a drug habit.

My Dad is not a viable option for caring for my DD for numerous reasons.

DH is an only child and his parents are not well enough to baby sit for longer than 30 min let alone raise a child.

If DD had to live with family, I have an Aunt and Uncle I'd consider but my preference would be a good friend of mine... whom I haven't asked yet. Must get around to doing that considering DH is cooking tomorrow night...

We're going through the same thought process. I don't want to leave them with either set of parents - love them dearly but they just don't have the energy and all have pretty major health issues. I don't agree with my sister's parenting methods at all, but I know she'd be shattered and would fight for my kids if I named someone else in my will and the unthinkable happened. (She seems to like my DD more than she likes her own kids...). DH has 5 older half-siblings, four of whom have four of their own and another who is not coping with her two. One of the four parent the exact same way we try to and would be ideal... but have four school aged kids. They have an infinite capacity to love though and financially I know our superannuation/insurance would pretty much cover our kids til 18. So we're leaning towards them.

My other option is one of my best friends. They would be awesome parents and love DD. It's tricky though - They have been TTC since before DH and I even got married, so I wonder if they'd feel like we're considering them just because they don't have kids themselves yet???

Certainly leaning towards DH's brother now.

We have the same problem here. My 2 DS's are my exH and if anything should happen to me and DF then exH would expect to take them back but then we are left with our 3 younger DD's. DF has spoken about his sister taking them but I don't want the family split up. DF and I have spoken about exH taking all of them but haven't asked him yet. He probably would and he does get along well with them and his wife is great with the girls but we still feel funny asking something like this. The only problem is there really is no one else we can ask without breaking up the family.

Thanks for bumping this and updating, Yowie. We're in a similar quandry and about to update wills.

DH has parents (in their 70s), an uncle (in his 70s) and a brother and SiL - who choose to have little to do with us and don't share our parenting values.

I have my parents (and that's got to be a no), my sister and BiL, who are great but currently childless and loving that life before they choose to settle down with children (and my sister currently has no problems with my mother looking after her hypothetical children a lot).

DS's godmother lives in Austria. She's great and would have him, but it will be a big culture shock as DS can speak very little German. I know she speaks English and he'd learn German but it's still a big thing for him.

DS himself would express a preference for my parents, but that's cos my mother wants him to adore her so spoils him completely and always lets him get his own way, which isn't healthy for him.

So what do we put in our will? Best option would probably be my sister, but I don't want DS that close to my mother. And PiL would be upset about that too, as they'd want DS close to them.

We just have to survive another 11.5 years then DS can be his own guardian and look after any siblings too. Continuing living is the only real option, IMO. Will have to argue this out with DH as he feels the same but is swayed more towards his brother.

My impression was as I only did my will through the Public Trustee, was that it's just an indication as to your wishes and not binding.

The information I was told by them was that my brother and SIL lodge a form with the Family Court.

How it works in Family Law with my ex I am unsure, but I'd have thought the court would look at the bigger picture if something happened to me.