Not ok.

I'm not ok.

I've had a horrible afternoon. Went out to my parents/sister's house so the kids could play and we could eat tea there as DH was going to be late at work. The kids have been feral - DS is just constantly whinging and has started biting. DD would be mostly good but then do something awful like bite her cousin or push her or hit her.

My mum told me I should look into putting the kids into occasional care so I can have some time out - I think she could see I was struggling. I was agreeing with her and then I started feeling angry - she is retired, dad is semi-retired, why can't they take them for me for a day???

DS went off the rails then and I almost lost it... Almost in tears trying to get his night nappy on... It feels like the pair of them are misbehaving on purpose because they know I am highly strung at the moment.

I drove home holding it together and then it all went pear shaped again. DS screamed for almost 40 minutes, DD wouldn't go to sleep... And I got a lovely message from someone who said that I don't have to be strong, it's ok to fall apart...

And all of a sudden I was sobbing.

And I'm all alone.

I called DH and blubbed into the phone so he's packing up and coming home... But I'm still alone. None of my friends that I ring and chat to have been through this. No one would quite get it.

The pain is just there. The questions. The emptiness.

And I'm so lonely :crying:

Oh sweetie I am sorry where are you can anyone come over??

:hug: hun, there are plenty of us here that know the feeling unfortunately

we were in the same belly buddies group when you had your little man and i had a miscarriage and of course had to leave the thread and you were so lovely to me then. feel free to send me a PM if you want to chat or talk on here all you need to

:hug:

Hun you know where I am. Anytime okay? I mean it.

The feeling of having nobody understand what you're going through is difficult, to say the least. The feeling that you're okay, and then having it all creep up suddenly again, the raw emotion of it all is hard. But know we are all here with you and for you. In person or online. It's horrible feeling lonely, especially when you're going through something so difficult. xxoo

:comfort: hun xx

no advice hun but plenty of cyber :hug:

Oh OP *massive hugs*. i wish i was closer id come over in a heartbeat and help you out however you need it. how far away is your dh? Wish there was something i can do. i am on night shift so will be up all night if you want to call or msg. Ill pm you my number. Xoxo

sent via my vortex manipulator

Oh sweetheart. Your message sender is a wise chick but I wish I could come and give you a hand. I have been there on so many levels.
:hug:

Massive hugs OP. Thinking of you :hug:

Thanks guys. DH is on his way home. He'll be here soon.

And I'm going to stash some phone numbers from people on here who "get it".

Oh babe while I don't really get it from personal experience i am here, your welcome to bring the kids here for a day, to run free and be as feral as they like (in a nice way), we don't gave neighbors and the trees don't judge. Hell you can stand in the paddock and scream if you want!

Just know I am here, if you need me, if not that's fine too... Choc picnic soon though yeah?


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

OP. I too wish I could physically be there for you. It is one of the toughest roads to travel.
One of the things I found hardest was thinking that I had to be strong. That I should be able to hold it together. That I should be moving on. But the fact is, you don't have to be any of these things.
Having a miscarriage is one of the awfulest carpiest experiences and u don't have to be strong or move on from it just yet.
Oh luv, I really hope your DH gets home soon and comforts you. Meanwhile, we are all here to give you all the support we can muster.

Xx


Sent from my iPhone

:comfort: I know it's different the support from here but we are all here for you hun.

I know it doesn't make it any easier but it is exactly the same as here with my two kids too. Hope the kiddies are asleep and you have some time to yourself.

You are definitely not alone OP. I am so sorry you are going through this :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm so sorry OP. This is just such a crap situation. I wish I was close enough to give you some real support, but all I can do is send you :hug: and promise you that it does get better. Always happy to lend an ear or a cyber shoulder to lean on.

Oh hugs hun thinking of you, its just awful feeling when very few understand the pain and emotions. xoxo

Thinking of you hun.
Like I said in my PM- anytime, anywhere!

oh girlfriend ... please let me know if there's anything I can do, or if you want to catch up for breakfast or lunch or coffee after work one day ...

or to take the kidlets to the park - I can send DH to chase after them for an hour or so, and get them severely worn out, and we can have a natter, or a cry, or a vent, or whatever you need.

you have been there when I've just needed someone to be there, and I would love to be there for you, if it would be of any assistance.

I hope your DH is home, and that he's bundled you into bed and is giving you some seriously comforting snuggles, and just holding you or crying with you or praying with you - because we can't always hold ourselves together alone ... and it's ok to fall apart, and have someone take care of us every now and then.

We're praying for you, and thinking of you, and loving you so much.

You aren't alone.

And while none of us can know exactly what you're going through, so many of us can certainly relate to that emptiness, that helplessness, that isolation, those questions, and those bleak tearfilled 2am heartaches...

You're not alone.

Just let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

sending you so much love xoxoxo

I'm sorry you feel alone and like no one IRL gets it. After all of my m/c I felt alone, like I was the only one that had been through what I had and everyone around me was still going on about their lives whilst I felt stuck, lost and lonely. Please know that the BB community is here for you. I wish I could tell you it is going to be alright, but right now it isn't & it won't feel like that for a long time. I am in Sth East Vic if that is near to you? Happy to meet up or help you out if you need it. ((hugs))

P, I'm due back at work Monday. A coffee or lunch might be good. I'll let you know.

Keep the prayers coming... I don't know what God's trying to tell us... But that's a whole different thread.

whatever you like, hun xoxo

and prayers definately will keep a-coming ... this pain is not what He intends for you. Grief is natural and Jesus wept for his loved ones, but this nebulous loneliness and emptiness - that's not His desire for you. It will improve, and you will be healed.

I wish I knew some more scripture by heart, so I could put some here! Maybe some of the other ladies can assist.

:grouphug:

Oh sweetie I feel your pain ... Jer 29:11 has comforted me through years of heartbreak and questioning xxx

awww hun
ring me!!!
i do unfortunately know what you are going through
I am only a phone call away
as i have said before i dont want to bother you unless you want me to- my shoulder is here for you and waiting for you whenever you need it!!!
Just remember I AM HERE!!!!

Massive :hug: hun,.

Regards,
Dianne

Oh OP :hug: I wish there was something I could do.

:hug::hug::hug:

OP, I do know what you are feeling. I had no IRL friends to help me either.....and it just felt like I was pressured to get on with life and suck it up....well that didn't happen!

Im glad your DH was able to come back and give you some comfort. I hope some of your IRL friends and family can step up and help you out.

Hugs......

Oh OP.. :hug:

A prayer your way that you get through each day as well as you can. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks. :(

:hug: i'm so sorry you're going through this. it just isn't fair :(

i don't have a similar experience but i'm a good listener, i'm in the same city & i have broad shoulders that can take any weight you need to shift :hug:

thinking of you!!!!

OP like RCC I am in Sth East Melb, and if you need someone I am more than willing to help where I can.

:hug: So sorry that you're going through this hun. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, just lots of strong, positive thoughts which I'm sending your way.

Hugs hun,
I'm sorry you're going through this. You have so much support on here. I'm keeping you in my prayers! Hoping today the kids are kinder to you xx

OP, Im so sorry youre struggling. I know all to well the feelings you are going through. Its hard when no one understands, especially if they havent been through it before. Im sorry your parents wont give you some time out from the kids either. My parents work and it was much too hard for them to take any time off to help me when I needed help badly. My DH went to USA for work 4 days after my first D&C and I was a sobbing mess the whole time he was away. I know how hard it is OP and I only wish I could take your pain away:hug::hug:

Oh the raw pain in your thread. I sometimes wonder why I still come in here. Why I still read these threads, then I read one like yours, one where all the pain you try to bury comes flooding back. And I remember, I remember how much it helps to be heard by someone who just knows. For goodness sake I wish there was more we could all do for you.

I am so sorry. Pm me if you want my mobile number.

i'm so sorry you're going through this beautiful lady :( - i wish i had some words of wisdom, but i don't :( - just lots of these :hug::hug::hug:

No words of wisdom, just big hugs :hug:

Thanks everyone for all the words of comfort. It really does mean a lot to know people hear me, people get me... thank you.

I offloaded the kids today and took some time out. I was going to go to a movie but when I got to the ticket booth it was surrounded by mums with babies, sure enough I'd picked a mums n bubs session :(

Went wandering instead, saw a nice maxi dress in Jeanswest and thought "That'd be nice for Christmas day, oh wait I can't wear that, I'll have a belly, oh that's right, I won't..." :crying:

Everything seems to make it hurt at the moment.

DH is working again tonight. He's coming home for dinner and will help me put the kids to bed but then he's got to go back to work. Guess where he's working? Our church. They're redoing the kitchen and it has to be done before Saturday for some reason. He's not even getting paid for it.

So I'm going to be alone, again. When I need him the most, he can't be here. He hates it, I hate it, but he can't say no. He could, but they'd be stuffed.

Guess I'd better go grab the kids...

Oh hun I wish I was closer, I'd come keep you company :(
:hug:


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

Thinking of you :hug: