Teenager vent (and advice welcome too)

I'm sick & tired of having a battle getting the kids to do anything around here. Especially DD1. I feel like I am forever making excuses for her, to DH & to her brothers (and to myself!) - she works, she studies, she's busy yadda yadda.
But the truth is she does very little to help out around here.

So yesterday I had a full 8.5 hour day at work in front of me, I wasn't going to be home until 6ish. I spoke to the three older kids before I went to work and gave them specific instructions for when they got home of things I wanted done (nothing huge, one or two jobs each).

I got home and yep you guessed it. Nothing had been done, not a thing, zip zilch nada. DS1 was on the couch reading a book & DD1 was upstairs asleep. So I wigged out a bit.
DS1 got up & helped out, not quite what I had asked him to do but he made an attempt. DD1 got all huffy, sulked upstairs for a bit & then went to a friends house to study.

She got home and I tried talking to her and got nowhere. So I said fine - if she can't help out around here, she can't expect anything in return. I won't be doing anything for her - including driving her around. And that includes TAFE today. (She is in year11 but does one day a week at TAFE doing an arts course, I drive her to & from the train each day).

She got up this morning & woke me up, asking when could we leave... I said I was serious. If she wants to treat the house like a hotel she will be treated like a hotel guest. I'm not taking her. She can get a bus to the station.

Now I'm feeling bad... I don't think missing one day of TAFE is going to ruin anything but she really should go. I just don't know how else to get through to her that I have had enough and am serious.

Bah.

Keep your word and include folding clothes, lunches, etc. We also have this problem and if clothes are left in the bathroon I just pick them up and throw them in her room. I will sometimes wash her clothes if they are in the laundry otherwise she has to do her own.
I agree with not taking them anywhere unless they have done as requested.
Get a whiteboard, maybe on the fridge and write their jobs on there so there is no excuses. With the holidays coming no helping around the house during the day unless they are working then no meal cooked for them.

It is hard but it is a lesson I learnt a bit late. Yes, we are not a hotel but a working household. This also includes parents who are at home full time and working to keep the house clean.

good on ya for sticking to ur guns

Stick to your guns hun xox I agree with everythign Riv said!

Thanks ladies. Nice to hear someone who doesn't think I'm just being nasty :rolleyes:

She has until 9am now to head off to school, or she loses the phone and the internet off her laptop. Wish me luck. I think I might need it.

:hug: I think it's a great approach - work together to keep the house running, or look after to yourself. Rivlas point about extending it to washing, food etc is also good.

FWIW I dread the day that I have to parent teenagers!

Fleur, I don't have teenagers yet, but I just wanted to reassure you that you don't sound like you're being unreasonable. :hug:

Even my DD, who is 5, is expected to put all of her dirty clothes in the wash basket before they get washed, and in the mornings, make her bed, tidy her room and do her reader before I will do her hair and take her to school. If she's late, it's because she hasn't finished what I expect to have the house in order for the day. I refuse to leave until she is done. Now I probably sound nasty!

:hug: i don't have a teenager but i think you've handled it really well - you stuck to your guns & put the responsibility back onto her. how did she take it when you said you weren't driving her to the station?

i don't think you're asking too much of the 3 older kids - you have work as well as home life to keep organised & you should be able to expect some help. you're also demonstrating that there are consequences for not helping & that's the really good thing - it shows that you mean it & it's not just words. did your DD1 have a reason why she hadn't done her part?

anyways, wishing you lots of luck & you're definitely not being nasty!

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Good on you stick with it. I think you are doing a great thing sometimes they need that reality check to wake up to themselves. They don't see all that is done for them, so taking it away is a good way for them to realise.

Well, she's gone to school. But she's not speaking to me. So now it's going to be a case of, who can stay mad the longest...and I usually lose these things because I'm not very good at staying angry, lol.

Not that I'm raging angry anymore, but I find it so much easier to stick to my guns when I'm angry.

Sloane, her excuse was that she was asleep and "I can't just get up and do jobs while I'm sleepwalking, can I?" and also that she forgot what I had asked her to do.
So she's angry because I got angry when she had just woken up. I guess I was supposed to wait until she had been up for a while.

Jennifer you don't sound nasty, you sound smart! I am thinking I should have put my (both) feet down a long time ago.

Fleur, the fact that you do get some help from your other kids makes me think you should just stick to your guns, or maybe negotiate with her as to what she thinks is reasonable and whether this would satisfy you. So no need for either of you to stay angry, but instead reach an agreement. ;)

Heh, let her be mad - just go about your general business as though nothing out of the ordinary has happened. She'll get over it sooner or later, especially if you keep on with setting each member of the family certain tasks and make them take responsibility for whether they're done or not. The whiteboard idea is a very good one, or even just a list on the fridge or something - my aunt had the list on the kitchen bench for myself and my cousins (3 teenage girls in the house all with a horrendous amount of activities to keep track of - calendars are a godsend) and barring extenuating circumstances like illness or injury it was up to us to sort ourselves out.

Fluer they are all excuses I personally remember making to mother, and dished up with attitude as well. You don't need to stay angry, just stand by what you've said, it's not unreasonable at all to expect give and take. It's our job to give them tools to help them in the real world. She's not going to get far in the real world if she behaves that way is she, and you deserve more respect than that! I still do this sometimes with my 17yr old and it works, for a while anyway :p Some of that teenage attitude and selfishness just needs to be grown out of. You're doing great!

I obviously don't have teenagers but I think the action-consequence lesson is one they have to relearn. You don't have to stay angry to stick to your guns. Just have the rules stated clearly so there's no misunderstanding and stick to them. If she wanted to have a sleep, she should have done her chores before she had a nap.

The whiteboard is a great idea. Include the chore and when it needs to be done by. Ie, potatoes peeled by 6pm. It doesn't really matter if they get their chores done hours early or just before you get home, so long as they're done. I also think they need to be taught a minimum standard. Ie, tidy your room does not mean chuck your clothes in the wardrobe. It's not ok to throw a load of washing on then leave in the washing machine so long they start to smell.

None of this needs to be done in anger. Strong boundaries are good for kids, especially when they act up. If you're calm and collected about it even when enforcing the rules, then not only are you modeling good emotional management, you remove the "personal" from things. It's not you being a meany (even if you feel that way inside), it's them copping the consequences of their actions. If your DD wants to sulk about it, that's her choice but she can sulk on her own time and in her own room. Meanwhile, here's a list of things to get done to support this household and a time to have them done by.

Remember, the teenage brain is going through another development stage, like toddlers. They actually lose capacity for empathy and compassion. They really do only see themselves at times. I know I used to be the centre of the universe and felt hard done by :)

She can be as angry as she likes, it doesn't change the fact that there are things she needs to do, and you don't do her any favors when you give in. My DD is 13 so we haven't hit the hard core moody judy's yet, but I like to use language that turns it back on being something that she needs to do. Like, "This is a valuable life skill" and "This is a part of basic self-maintenance that every person has to do". I also don't buy the "I forgot" excuse either. Thinking and planning around basic self-maintenance tasks (and yes that includes making sure your home and clothes are clean and your library books are returned) is something that every successful person does without making a fuss about it.

I don't think that it sounds unreasonable at all, good on you for sticking to your guns.
Your DD sounds very much like my DS (15) who will quite happily take advantage of my soft disposition. I have had to crack down and get a lot harder on him.
I don't think it is unfair to ask them to help around the house in fact I think as parent we do them an injustice if we don't...they need to learn that not everything is automatically done for them.

I used to hear the same excuse from my DSD's... 'oh sorry, I forgot'... oh how I have learnt to detest that empty apology!!

So now, if they are at home while I'm at work and I need things done, I write a list.

S - today you need to do at least 2 x loads of washing, hang out all washing, take off when dry. Fold all clothes.
T - today you need to fold the towels, empty the recycle bin, take out the rubbish.

When I get home, I'll go through the list with them. If it's not done, they do it then and there and let me know when it's done. In the mean time, there is no phone / internet / tv.

I completely agree with what you've done. It can't be one-sided. It's not fair. It is hard to stick to your guns, but it will definitely be a great lesson for her to learn. And it doesn't have to be done in anger, just keep calm and carry on about your day.

I like what Marydean has said too - these are basic life lessons you are teaching her. It's not a punishment, it's basic self-maintenance.

Thank you, thank you everyone. Some awesome advice there that I will be taking on board.

She came home & went straight upstairs to sleep. I let her go, and we will talk when things have cooled off a bit (it will take her a while to settle, and it will give me a chance to think about what we can do).

I think we as a family need a bit more routine. I have been feeling a need for routine (almost ritual in some instances) myself. So we might all benefit from that.

I don't work Tuesdays & Thursdays. I would be happy if she agreed to one specific chore on the days I am at work (provided she's not at work of course), it doesn't take much to make a big difference when I walk in the door. And the boys can do the same.

I am a big softie, and I know it doesn't do them any favours. Time to toughen up a bit :p

Just updating quickly.

We had a talk and I told all three of the older kids, the days when I work is when I need the most from them. And I don't need much just a bit.

So on the afternoons I am working, DD1 & DS2 will tidy up downstairs & pick up anything lying around. DD1 will sweep, DS2 will take out the rubbish & bring down the washing. DS1 will tidy the kitchen, do any dishes. On Wednesdays DD1 will also mop.

It's all stuff they've done a thousand times, not hard & won't take forever but will make a huge difference to me when I walk in the door at 6pm. The hardest part will be, they really need to also just pick up after themelves & not leave crap lying around.
Oh and DD1 has to at least tidy the bathroom on weekends. It's pretty feral.

I do have a whiteboard that I used to write shopping lists. So yesterday morning before I left for work I wrote their jobs up there. No excuses for forgetting ;)

If it doesn't get done, the two boys will have to catch it up on teh afternoons that I am home. DD1 will be left to her own washing, cooking etc.

We'll see how it goes.
Thanks for all the advice and for letting me vent :)

Please stick to your guns! My sister SCREAMS at my mum to get her clothes and towel when she goes for a shower .... She's 23!! A similar episode happened when she was going to TAFE so my sister called 000 and told the lady she needed to go home. The operator told my sister that it's is not an emergency and she needed to find another way home. My sister yelled at her IT IS AN EMERGENCY I have to be home to watch Buffy (or whatever was on tv) ... Yeah stupid b**** ...

But yes, please stick to your guns or she might end up expecting you to wipe her bum!