Phoenix Star 02/11/2011 - 18 weeks gestation

The last week has been a living hell, and im not sure if ive even posted in the right forum, but i wanted to share my story and get my feelings off my chest.....

Our pregnancy wasnt planned, but after the initial shock, we were so excited and realised that the universe had given us a special gift. Being unplanned we had to make several sacrifices so we could provide our baby with everything it needed, including cancelling our dream wedding and honeymoon, which was a huge stress in itself, with the family being the way they were. All worth it though, knowing we had a beautiful gift on the way.

I was informed early on that my pregnancy was considered "high risk" due to my age and weight and that i was in a category to develop pre eclampsia, so needed to be vigilant in my self care.

aside from an early implantation bleed and normal pregnancy symptoms the pregnancy was progressing nicely, maternal screening tests and blood tests all came back fine and all ultrasounds showed a healthy baby. Id even had an ultrasound the week before the next horrible chain of events, which the doctors said was perfect.


To my surprise and horror, while driving to work last Wednesday my waters broke, i made it to work and sadly delivered my baby there :(

The experience was horrific and heartbreaking to say the least, my colleauges saw everything, and i am both shamed and heartbroken that they had to experience this happen.

I was taken to hospital and informed that i would need surgery to remove the remaining bits of my placenta, as it had broken away while tryingto deliver.

What followed next was almost as bad as the birth. 5 attempts were made to give me a spinal block and for 40 minutes i endured needles being put into my spine, to no avail. I was eventually knocked out, to complete the procedure.


The doctors informed me that my baby was alive on delivery, which just makes everything so much harder to handle, even though i know he never would have survived at this age.

None of it makes sense, the doctors have also said that it is unusual for it to happen the way it has, but told my partner and i they didnt have an explanation and even autopsy on bubs and placenta testing may not provide answers.

I cannot understand how a seemingly perfect baby, woth no obvious sign of trouble can arrive 22 weeks early....

The world is such a cruel place at times, so many questions, so much sadness, so much anger......

THe smallest comfort was being able to hold our beautiful baby, Phoenix Star for the shortest time, he was perfect, but the moment was bittersweet, when we had to let him go........

Heartbroken and confused

I am so so sorry for your loss :grouphug:

Massive :hug: to you, i'm so sorry Phoenix Star could not stay.
I hope you find comfort from other BB ladies who have been through the same thing.

ZF

Oh my gosh :(
I am so sorry your baby couldn't stay.
Be gentle with yourself, peaceful healing to you xx

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

I am so very very sorry for the loss of your son. My thoughts and prayers are with you :hug:

Much love to you and your gorgeous Pheonix, im so sorry he couldnt stay and be apart of your earth lives.
Please dont feel shamed, theres was nothiong you could do to prevent things happening the way it did.
Take care of yourself and please reach out if u need a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to.
xxx

I am so sorry your angel Phoenix could not stay earthside longer.

:heartbeat: I'm so sorry your darling Phoenix couldn't stay in your arms, I'm sure he'll be in your heart forever :hug: And you have nothing to be ashamed about, there's nothing you could have done, I'm sure.

Fly free beautiful Phoenix Star :angel:

I have tears in my eyes reading this. I am so sorry that your little Phoenix could not stay with you.

I feel so terrible that you are feeling shame - I hope those feelings pass as I am sure your work colleagues would not want you to feel that way.

Janie xxx

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, may his memories remain in your heart forever :hug:.

Regards,
Dianne

I'm so sorry baby Phoenix couldn't stay :(

I'm sorry you are going through this and that Phoenix couldn't stay.
Don't be ashamed, I'm sure you did everything you could.
Be kind to yourself :hug:

I am so sorry you had to say good bye so soon after hello. Please allow yourself time to heal.

Oh no, I'm so saddened to read your story. I'm so sorry for the loss of Phoenix. It is a difficult road to walk but you don't have to walk it alone - we are all here for you.

:comfort:

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Phoenix. I hope you are receiving the love and support you need at this difficult time. Be gentle with yourself.

I am too so very sorry that Phoenix could not stay... scream, yell and cry at the world if you need to - you just lost your son.......love n hugs babe xoxo

I'm so sorry Phoenix couldn't stay, please be gentle with yourself.

Im so very sorry for the loss of your darling Phoenix and the traumatic way he came into the world.

We are all here for you at this difficult time.

Oh. :( what a traumatic way for it all to unfold. Please don't feel ashamed. Deepest sympathies for the loss of your precious Phoenix. May he rise from the ashes, as his name suggests. :hug:

Im so very sorry for your loss, what a time you have been through.

Be gentle with yourself during this time and allow yourself to feel all the emotions you feel xxx

I am so so sorry for the loss of Phoenix. I wish there was something I could think of to say that would magically take away the pain, but I hope that knowing that people care helps. Be gentle with yourself

So sorry your Phoenix Star could not stay. Hugs to you at this difficult time xoxo

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss x

:hug:

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy. My heart is breaking for you and your DH :hug:

What a heartbreaking story. I am so so sorry for your loss. :comfort:

I am so sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself.
i hope you are able to get answers.

I'm so so sorry to hear your precious boy couldn't stay. Please don't feel any shame. My thoughts are with you and your partner xx

thanks for all of your kind words of support. :) It is so nice to come on here and see that people truly care and understand :)

I just came from my GP who informed me that he had spoken with the obstetrician who treated me and she has decided that the cause of our loss was an incompetent cervix. Dont know how i feel, kind of annoyed that she couldnt tell me that herself when i was there, but my GP says there was a lot of things to factor in before coming to that conclusion.......GP has also advised us to wait for test results from bubs just in case of other issues, but is fairly confident bubs was fine.......Frustrating Much!!!!!!!

Wish there was something i could of done or known about earlier, that could of prevented this from happening.......

Devastated :(

I'm so terribly sorry that your little man couldn't stay earthside. Fly free little Phoenix

I'm soo sorry :cry:

I never have the right words to say with things like this but....sending you strength and healing during this devastating and heartbreaking time luv :comfort:

Thinking of you xx

:hug: Im so sorry hun.
Love and strength to you and your man

I'm so sorry that your little man had to leave this earth. May he always watch over mummy and daddy forever :hug:

im so sorry you had to say good bye to your beautiful boy. hugs

Thinking of you and your precious boy, Phoenix Star.
Many of us have walked and still walk the long and difficult road of loss, we understand where you are right now, as Skybie said, just reach out if you ever need us,
Take care,

Hugs sweetie, you have given your Phoenix star a beautiful gift, you brought him into this world, and you will love him ever more. Go gently as you start to heal. You will find a way through.

My heart breaks for you. Phoenix will always live with you, in your hearts. xxx

:hug: So sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.