Two and a half weeks ago, a small but powerful bomb went off in my little family. The physical effects were immediate, devastating, painful and horrible, but were over relatively quickly.
A week after I lost my baby (I still struggle to write those words), I felt the first shockwave as my heart and soul tried to come to terms with what had happened. I fell apart. With much support, prayer, guidance and hand-holding (from near and far, virtual and real) I've begun to put the pieces back together.
As I processed the grief and the loss of the hopes and dreams we had built for and around our little one, I began to see that the aftershocks will continue to be felt, for a long time. I imagine it as fallout... insidious dust, that has crept into the most likely but also unlikely of places, that will only be discovered as I find it. So many ripples... so many plans, decisions, all changed. So much up in the air...
Today, I returned to work. I was at work when it all first started. I was on the tram this morning on my way down to the office, thinking I was doing ok. I grabbed my bags at my stop and began to alight the tram with the other thousand people getting off. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the gentle curve of a slightly swollen pregnant belly and all of a sudden my breathing shortened and my heart sped up and I had a mini panic attack.
But I made it inside. Up to my desk. Blessedly, the day after I left work we had a major seating shuffle and there was someone sitting at my desk. Also blessedly, my good friend who is also my project manager wasn't in and therefore no one knew what had happened and just said "welcome back, did you have a nice break?" I was able to just say "Nah I was supposed to be on annual leave and I got sick so that sucks!" and busy myself with relocating my computer to my new desk.
So I'm not sitting in the same spot as I was when it happened. That's great, new perspective.
And I'm back at work. I don't want to be here. DH and I had decided that I'd stick it out, suck it up, til Australia Day and then I could go on mat leave again and focus on our business. I'd be taking mat leave early, but that was ok as we'd decided I wasn't coming back. But I'd take the 12 months mat leave instead of resigning.
That's all changed. There's no end date now. Unless I make one and resign. But that's just silly... I work for a great company, good salary, etc... but now I have to decide what I'm doing here. God knows if we will have another baby, but I don't. And I can't suck it up in this position that I don't enjoy, indefinitely. So what do I do now?
The nanny arrived this morning to look after the kids. We are not happy with her. Again we thought we could suck it up til Christmas, then DH and I could work it out, take time off, whatever, until I finished in Jan. And now I am not finishing in Jan. So we need to look for child care. I think. I don't even know where to start.
My whole world has shifted slightly on its axis. So much has changed... so much is up in the air.
To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating. And for the first time in the "let's start a family" phase of my life, I don't want to be.
I want to be pregnant. And not pregnant, 4 weeks along. I want to be 13 weeks, like I'm supposed to be :crying:

