How do you promote a positive self image within your daughter?

Been doing some reading on this topic lately and it has caught my interest. I have a 4 yr old DD. Lately she has been saying things like 'I cant eat this mum or I will get really big' and she also pointed out an overweight person in the shops and told me he was 'so big because he ate too much food'. I must admit, she has learnt this from me. I have been talking to her about eating healthy foods and why we need to do so etc. Though, I am now wondering if I have taken this too far, should a 4 yr old be thinking these thoughts? Obviously I dont want her to become paranoid about what foods she can eat and I know this behaviour could lead to further problems like an eating disorder. Also I have been reading about monitoring what you say to young girls to ensure that they dont grow up believing their appearance is everything. So balancing out the 'cute and beautiful' compliments with 'smart and clever'.

So what do other mums of young girls think? What do you do to promote a positive self image within your daughter?

I think you really need to steer clear of "attractivenss" based references especially with food. We say that food is everyday food, sometimes food or special occasion food. "Sometimes food" isn't good for your tummy (makes you feel sick if you eat too much) or bad for your teeth (can make you get cavities etc) so that is why you can't eat it all the time.

Although DD1 does come out with things about "fat" and "exercise" and understands that people exercise because they don't want to get fat we have been trying to drill into her that exercise is for getting fit, staying strong and being healthy. She does get it. It is really hard but trying to focus on other things such as creativity, intelligence, humour, friendliness, kindness etc as compliments for your DD (and yourself!) over physical compliments is better at building self-esteem.

The problem is that other people and kids make comments and these seem to stick! I think all you can do is keep re-inforcing the positives and not focusing on the things that you don't want emphasised.

I have always told my DD how beautiful she is (inside and out) and how inner beauty is more important and healthy is best, blah, blah, blah...the usual sort of stuff. She is nine, quite tall and weighs 28 kgs (so very slender). She came home from dancing the other day upset that one of the other girls was teasing her for being fat :o Then it started.. 'i can't wear X because it makes me look fat'.... Honestly, I lost it. I got angry at her for saying it and said I never want to hear her say anything like that again. I spoke to the dance teacher and she was going to speak to the girl/s involved.

In short, I think it's hard. In our society which is so looks obsessed, kid, even adults, need to be very resilient and confident not to succumb to feelings of inadequacy. All we can do is try to reinforce positive messages of self worth and pray they stick.

I will be talking to DD about the importance of eating good, healthy foods to fuel our bodies and minds. We have sometimes foods and all the time foods. I grew up in a household where my mum was always on a diet and I have struggled with body issues for as long as I can remember. I refuse to do that to my dd. There will be no diet speak, no I'm fat speak If I think I'm getting pudgy I will more likely say something like I haven't been eating foods that are good for my body lately I want to eat more fresh healthy foods etc. It's alot to do with leading by example I think. Eat well in front of your dd she will do the same. If exercise is a part of your day to day that is what she will know as normal. If you have a healthy relationship with food, exercise & your body then she will too. I teach dance to littlies and two weeks ago one of my four yr olds said she had fat thighs, I was gobsmacked. There is so much importance placed on looks, skinny = beauty and that's not right. Little girls need to be taught the importance of who they are not how they look. I always make the effort of telling my daughter she is so clever, so good at this or that because I don't want her to feel she only receives attention for being cute, pretty etc. Sorry for the ramble hehe. Just my two cents :)

I agree that you need to focus on the health aspects of why to eat or not eat certain foods and using sometimes food etc is a good way of explaining it. Also to make sure that you don't say the same things about yourself that she will pick up on. They will learn from their peers as well though and that part you can't really control just try to battle with your own views I guess.

Chuck out anything related to disney princesses for a start! I'm serious - they are the worst stories ever for perpetuating the whole thing about beautiful girls get the man. Teaching kids about eating the *right* foods is OK, but it could start issues with food guilt and hatred. If you say you can't eat xyz because it isn't good for you, over time that can instill in the child that "OMG, that food is bad but I love eating it" and then they feel bad about themselves when they eat it. I don't worry about food too much and doing 'sometimes' food etc, but teaching them to make smarter choices about the food they eat and eating in moderation. The problem I see with categorising food is that you can still have problems if you eat large amounts of 'good' foods kwim.

As for positive self image. I work on problems when they come up. Lately DD1 will call DD2 fat, and she knows that she isn't fat at all! She just likes saying it because she knows it hurts her sisters feelings. So I tell her how ridiculous it is to say things like that. Unfortuately they will be influenced by others as they get older and go to school. I do what the others have said too. I think it is also important for daughters to see how WE present ourselves to the world too. EG, I don't shave anymore because I don't want the girls to have it reinforced that women *must* shave. And I don't wear makeup or have to be done up before I can be seen in public. Doesn't mean I get around like a slob or a hobo - far from it, but I dont' want the girls to think they have to make themselves look a certain way to be presentable because if they don't fit that mould, then that's when the problems can start.

Fantastic thread!

Re food, we've always tried to be careful about striking a balance between teaching that some foods are healthier than others but without laying too much value-judgement over the top. Sometimes food vs Everyday food is a good way for small kids, as they get older you can teach about 'nutritious' foods vs empty calories, so you make it about the inherent value in the food, not what it will do for fatness or thinness (because food is only one part of that equation, the other parts are exercise, rest/sleep, emotional wellbeing/management of stress). DD1 is a bit older now (13) so I'll be introducing some incidental discussion about energy density of foods and portion control, but within the framework of it being about balance, not restriction, and about health, not appearance, and within the context of food preparation (eg, it's really not pleasant to wade through a huge rich meal, it's much more enjoyable to have a little of the rich stuff balanced by other things).

The very best thing you can do is try to really understand the person your DD is, and talk to her as whole person and not just a little girl. Talk to her about what she enjoys doing and what she feels good at, and take an interest in that. Loving yourself (as you are right now) and knowing what you enjoy doing and talking about is just as important. Having a wide range of interests and activities yourself will help model what being female is all about, too. With my older DD, I also talk about where she wants to invest her energy. Looking like a million dollars has less value when you compare it too raising a million dollars to cure cancer, or even working on finding a cure for cancer yourself.

One thing I find really hard to juxtapose is my values (which I pass on to DD) about inner beauty, etc and the reality of the cold harsh, superficial world where, often, looks are important, 'things' do matter, etc.
I won't compromise my values but sometimes I fret i am setting her up for disappointment and a horrible whack from reality :(

I read something the other day on this which I found very interesting. It was making the point that if you always say smart, intelligent and never say beautiful or pretty etc it can reinforce the myth that you are either smart or beautiful/pretty but not both. So like everything is about balance, don't always focus on intelligence or beauty try to comment on both. As a kid I thought I was really ugly, people always commenting on intelligence, but I had no issues with lack of self-esteem about my intelligence but I did about my appearance, I was not ugly at all just average - but I never saw that prob till I went to uni. Whether we like it or not in this world appearance does matter and is important I think to have believe/value your self in all aspects.

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One thing I find really hard to juxtapose is my values (which I pass on to DD) about inner beauty, etc and the reality of the cold harsh, superficial world where, often, looks are important, 'things' do matter, etc.
I won't compromise my values but sometimes I fret i am setting her up for disappointment and a horrible whack from reality :(

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Not really, because when you have a healthy sense of self esteem it's much easier to withstand whatever the cold hard world throws at you.

In regards to food we talk about it in terms of what makes us grow big and strong, gives us energy to run, good for our eyes for seeing things etc. My kids eat their fair share of junk food and it isn't associated with weight, but not doing good things for us. We acknowledge that it does taste yummy though.

DD1 especially is starting to talk about looking beautiful in a particular dress, or when her hair is done or something and I always tell her that yes she does, but that while it is a pretty dress or whatever, its her that's beautiful and not what she's wearing. We talk about people coming in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours but that none of that makes a person beautiful or good - its what that person does and how they behave. Dolls, tv shows etc that show "plastic" people are discussed as being silly cos that's not what really people are like.

This is something that really terrifies me, especially when my DH has three sisters and all of them are nutjobs when it comes to skinny=beautiful. One SIL spent her wedding reception with her head in the toilet because she had eaten literally nothing all week One of my nephews, at 9, is told by his father in front of the entire family that its good he is now doing more swimming because he was starting to look really fat but now his body is good. Two other nephews argue over who is the skinniest like that is the be all and end all. I am overweight, and except for a brief patch when I got a little nuts and ended up at 42kgs, always have been. My DH is a beanpole who can eat what he wants and never gain weight. My DH will frequently tell me how beautiful I am (God love him) and I think that is a huge thing for my daughters to witness and hopefully offsets a little of the extended family influence.

At the moment its easier because my DDs both think their mummy knows absolutely everything and what I say is right. I know that will change as they get older and spend more time with others, and I can only hope that we continue with good communication and they grow up with a sensible, balanced understanding.

My mum very rarely commented on her own appearance or on my appearance and I think that has shaped me in a good way. It just doesn't enter my head a lot of the time. I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've commented on DD's appearance in her whole life. She gets lots of compliments when she is kind to people, polite etc. but I sooooooo want to avoid making her think of her appearance.

In terms of food/TV, we tell her that if she wants to run fast and jump high then she should eat x foods and that y foods are bad for your teeth and mean you can't run as fast or jump as high.

That works.

We NEVER talk about food in terms of fat or thin. That is getting a bit too close to focusing on appearance in my view plus I heard too may tweenagers in the changing rooms asking their mum if they look fat. Appalling that an eight-year-old is even thinking about that.

whilst i think this is obviously a really critical issue for girls I think it is also important for boys. for their own sense of self and how they view/treat women.
I emphasis the health benefits of foods, try not to use foods a rewards and try to set an example for the boys with healthy eating and exercise. I am v honest about the qualities of foods - i tell them which vitamins they have, what qualities they have e.g. chicken has lots of proteinm which is good for helping you grow muscles and helping you not feel too hungry when you just ate... cheese has lots of calcium bc it comes from milk (which also has lots of calcium) this is really good for your bones and keeps them strong... oranges have lots of vit c which helps you not get sick when bugs are going around, nuts have lots of good oils which help keep your skin and nails and hair healthy etc etc etc. the boys LOVE this info - the more the better. It was esp cute when DS1 asked for some nuts beofre his last hair cut so his hair would be healthy ready for it!
in terms of feeling good about themselves as whole people - i think offer priase about all elements = physical, emotional, creative, intellectual. for example - that shirt makes you look so lovely - the colour looks great with your olive skin but also praise - i was so proud of you when you helped your friend carry their backpack into kinder or something along those lines. also point out great things (on all levels) about others. oen of my friends does affirmations with her daughter each night - i am thinking about doing the same.
My DS mentioned he thought someone wasnt pretty. rather than say 'yes she is' i spoke to him about how some people think some things are pretty and others think others are - for example he may think an iris is the prettiest flower but aniother person would think a rose is, or he may like the look of one painting but someone else likes another. i did tell him that saying that to a person may hutrt their feelings - just like he would be hurt if someone said they didnt like his picture - so it is ok to think it, but it is nicer not to say it! i also asked him what are the best things about that person - and he told me how funny she is!
ok i am rambling

Of course it can backfire on you.

A couple of months ago I was looking in the mirror after getting dressed and totally unprompted, DD said, "Dont worry mum. You're beautiful on the inside". :o

Nothing like the truth to knock you down ;) :lol:

(i keep meaning to ask my fertility specialist if it's true!! :p )

I think it's also important not to give them unrealistic expectations... We've all seen how that ends up on shows like Idol, where some kid has been told all their life that they're the best singer/dancer/ performer etc, where very obviously their strengths lie elsewhere and they've been misguided by those who love them telling them they're fabulous at singing.

I believe the example I set is key. So I never criticise my own appearance or communicate worry about how I look. I never connect my feelings to my body image. I try not to focus too much on the importance of looks. No taking hours to get ready, although I make sure I'm well groomed! Brushing teeth before you go out is more important than lip gloss, for example. I've never dieted or denied myself food as a link to getting fat. I exercise in front of her and I make sure my focus is on a healthy way to live, with a good level of activity and healthy eating habits. I don't snack on processed foods so neither does she.

By the same token, like others have said, we do promote the idea that some foods will make you sick if you eat too much. One vomit after a party once just proved Mummy was telling the truth! ;)

there was an article i was reading the other day about this topic, it was in a newspaper & was about Kate Winslet and how she deals with this with her daughter, i don't know if i can link it, i don't even know how to if i can ?

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In regards to food we talk about it in terms of what makes us grow big and strong, gives us energy to run, good for our eyes for seeing things etc. My kids eat their fair share of junk food and it isn't associated with weight, but not doing good things for us. We acknowledge that it does taste yummy though.

DD1 especially is starting to talk about looking beautiful in a particular dress, or when her hair is done or something and I always tell her that yes she does, but that while it is a pretty dress or whatever, its her that's beautiful and not what she's wearing. We talk about people coming in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours but that none of that makes a person beautiful or good - its what that person does and how they behave. Dolls, tv shows etc that show "plastic" people are discussed as being silly cos that's not what really people are like.

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Spot on :)

Sounds good Minniemouse, I'd love to read it :)

You know, I want to concentrate on achievements and capabilities when talking about my children and not focus on their appearance at all (inside or out). (Ok, maybe I have to stop fretting about DS' messy hair....)
As for eating, I actually think it's better not to make a fuss about it :dunno: We're hungry, we eat - there are good food choices and there are other things we have sometimes.

I'm probably in the minority here but I do talk about unhealthy foods making people fat. To all my children, not just my daughter. I see so many overweight kids and I want my kids to know that being overweight is bad for your heart, your joints, your fitness levels. I don't talk about fat being equal to unattractive, or anything like that but I do think it is important for my kids to know that some foods will be more likely to make their bodies grow healthy and strong, and other ones (and eating too much of anything) will have a negative affect on the amount of fat on their bodies. They think no less of fat people, but they do not want to become unfit and fat as they grow because they know that will limit them. As a result of that they are happy to eat sometimes foods in limitation and know the positive reasons behind healthy food choices.

For my daughter I try and do the same as I do with my boys. I compliment her strength, her kindness, her intelligence and how gorgeous she is, because all those things are true. I tell her I love her a dozen times a day and I believe that if she grows up feeling completely loved then she will grow up with a sense that she is worth loving, and self esteem will come from that.

Oh wow, where to start... I'm a high school teacher who has been heavily involved in the welfare team almost my entire career, and have helped (I hope) a lot of girls with body image issues. I also teach media studies so try to teach kids to deconstruct what they see in the media to try and undo the damage it does. Thoughts and words are insidious and unfortunately we women are inclined to deflect the positive and absorb the negative - brings to mind an old cartoon in which a little girl goes to school with a new hair style, everyone she meets throughout the day compliments her, until the end of the day when a boy says something negative to her... she goes home crying and tells her mum, "Everyone hated my hair!"

Some good suggestions above re sometimes food and every day food, as well as reiterating ALL the positives about your child, not just the physical. Can I suggest a book by Dannielle Miller, "The Butterfly Effect" - in the long term it has a lot of good advice on helping your daughter to combat the negative thoughts and influences as she grows up.

This also needs to be considered for boys - male eating disorders are on the rise, which is tremendously sad.

My DD is one year old this Friday and already I refuse to let people call her fat, I offer alternatives, eg rather than "She has such chubby thighs" - "I prefer strong." My MIL is a hard nut to crack on that, but crack it I will - there's a reason her daughters have such appalling body image...

an epic reply and my computer crashed :lol: that'll teach me.

Its not just girls- DS1 is really aware of beautiful/ugly fat/thin people. He picked out his 1st clothes at 6mths- a matching set and stil prefers matching sets 5 years later, its funny cause hes a real rough and tumble sort of kid. We arent sure were some of the ideas come from- suspect a teacher or 2 at kindy plant afew. He has been really worried about getting fat- to the point of not wanting to eat. It doesnt help that he doesnt have the "normal" stomach muscles and adults have always teased him about his tummy as being fat-because it sticks out.
So, we talk about how people look different, we have some books about it too. We talk about this food and what it can help you do- some true some a bit of a stretch-ie peas will help you to run fast :lol: We talk about junk foods and candy and how it tastes really good but too much is bad for you, bad for your teeth, can make you sick etc. Our kids see us exercise and like to attempt it to- even took DS1 to Yoga a few times with me but he doesnt have the patience for it.
We got him into roller blading so he could have a positive focus and outlet for some energy- it was cool, its a group of kids about his age and a couple of guys in their 20s teach them how to start, how to do a few tricks and even how to do jumps etc.
We talk about the prof sports players- rugby etc and how they have to eat so much and train hard and be super strong to play their games.

He has had a few downer moments with his clothes not being as beautiful or fashionable as some kids in his class. This drives DH crazy, so I talk with him about this. Explain that most familys just have 1 kid and 2 parents working so there is plenty of money, we have 3 kids and 1 parent working so not so much money, but asked what he liked, what was comfortable and said I'd make more of an effort to find things he would like and that would feel comfortable against his skin, but that he maynot get everything he wants/likes. Thank goodness DS2 is too young to care about the hand me downs and most stuff will be worn out by the time it gets round to DD.

I feel its important to tell kids they are beautiful and smart and funny/talented whatever the case maybe.
My mother never seemed to realise the importance of good self esteem-infact left my sister and I with poor self esteem and very little knowledge about life in general as we both moved away as soon as were old enough. To this day she stil tells me my makeup is .... or my clothes are.... among other things. My Mother was always too busy to do much with us, now I make effort to "validate" my kids with time, cuddles, attention and laughter. We do things as a fmaily as well as separate and I think thats important too. To know your family loves you and WANTS to spend time with you, and have fun.

Im not sure as parents we can ever get it "right" but its good to have threads like this to discuss it

Thank you for all of your advice and thoughts, some great ideas out there. I am so relieved to see I am not the only mother with this issue on my mind. Its tricky raising children in today's world, where they are bombared with images of what a woman and a man 'should be'. Like all mums, I just want the best for my girls and I want to know that I did my absolute best. I guess it really is just all about monitoring what you say and do....but its constant....I guess we should expect to fail now and then, but as long as 99% of the time we can get it right, that is enough right?

Also I read the Kate Winslet article...it was one of the ones that got my mind ticking actually.

Some great posts. I just wanted to add celebrate effort as well as achievement. If she tries hard to accomplish something, then sticking at it, not giving up and making the effort are all worthy of praise.

I try and lead by example, when they ask questions talk about the health and life benefits rather than weight/size. I get them involved with preparing meals where possible so they know by experience what's a good portion size and what can be done with food. They see me & DH exercise and they are active too and I'd like them to keep active even if it is something simple as a family walk after dinner. I'd like them to understand that it's ok to have a treat now and then and it's all about lifestyle. I never reward achievements or good behaviour with food either.

There's a good book I've just started reading called Think: How to stay smart in a dumb downed world by Lisa Bloom. It seems really interesting so far.

I try and lead by example, when they ask questions talk about the health and life benefits rather than weight/size. I get them involved with preparing meals where possible so they know by experience what's a good portion size and what can be done with food. They see me & DH exercise and they are active too and I'd like them to keep active even if it is something simple as a family walk after dinner. I'd like them to understand that it's ok to have a treat now and then and it's all about lifestyle. I never reward achievements or good behaviour with food either.

There's a good book I've just started reading called Think: How to stay smart in a dumb downed world by Lisa Bloom. It seems really interesting so far.

Being overweight I try not to focus on myself too much ie. putting myself down in front of my child. That doesn't mean I don't promote healthy living. I do. I don't think it's good to obsess over anything whether it's skinny, fat, ugly, pretty etc.

I also don't think it's wise to harden up your kids by sending to them into the world with the notion that image doesn't matter. Not unless you want to completely destroy them in a "You are beautiful even in that potato sack" kind of way. I am more about embracing my children's own image of themselves. Letting them explore themselves, and what they like to wear, how they like to do their hair. There is no expected appearance in our household. I think sometimes people can be hypocritical at times by instilling their own agendas into their children by claiming to be anti something. And usually agendas stem from our own filters caused by our own life experiences.

Self confidence is something that needs to be promoted well before the years of "What will I wear." I look at my daughter and she is extremely confident. She has gone through many fashion phases in her life. And she has never, not once cared more about what anyone else thinks over her own opinions. And she's brutally honest too. Which I love. And we don't have the same taste in clothing, but I will never be that parent that makes my child dress the way I think she should be dressed. Even if it means Pink clothing *vomit* ;)

I remember once she came home from school telling me that some girl at school (3 years older) had told her she had skin that was "too white". She told the girl that was ridiculous and that would be like her saying her shoes are too boyish. She said the girl then complimented her on her hair. I explained to her that a) not everything people say they mean, or even realise what they are saying when they are saying it (so don't take it to personally) and b) I think she was attempting to rectify the fact that she had been rude. I think communication about peer pressure, as well as body image and self esteem go hand in hand with raising girls to be confident and have a healthy self image. I'm yet to see how condemning society or burning bras has the same positive experience ;) And please know I'm not suggesting anyone here is doing that... I'm just talking worst case scenario's that I have seen that have turned out to be worse than if they had been left to their own devices.