vaginal birth dream is over

Hi all
DH and I saw the most VBAC supportive Obs we could find in Melb today and he was fantastic and said he would happily support me to attempt a VBA2C, which would be a dream come true if my last caesarean had been straight forward. But it wasn’t - I had a small 2cm vertical tear in my uterus wall and because of that the risk of that part coming apart are too high to chance (vertical scars are very unstable). I know some of my friends and I guess many women would happily accept an elective caesarean, but for DH and I it is no easy decision. But we choose not to risk lives. It is a dream over for us. I know vaginal birth is not always beautiful and I know a VBAC may have been very tough, but three surgical births is not want we wanted.

I wanted to post here because there are so many people in my world I will not be sharing this with because they have never and will never understand why this is so important to us.

On a happier note, for those wanting a VBAC (after one or more) I can gladly recommend Euan Wallace at Monash Medical Centre. He was amazing. Genuinely supportive, respectful, extemely knowledgable in a non-arrogant way, kind and understanding. I actually felt ok when I broke down into tears in his office. I have been hugely anti-obs for many years.
And if you do end up with a C/S, MMC now has a skin on skin c/s policy with mothers and babies not separated. Yay for that.

Thanks for listening.
Needing time to grieve ...

Congratulations on finding someone so supportive. I hope he is the one who will deliver your bundle of joy when the time comes. That is great news re the skin on skin as this will help the disappointment and bonding process.
All the best with your pregnancy :)

:hug:
So many things I want to say in response, but I think that they all end up sounding a bit hollow when you are grieving. The only thing left to say is... that sucks.

I am sorry you have arrived at the place you didn't want to be and sorry you don't have the support you need from those around you. I understand that all too well. I also understand why your choices are important to you and your DH, and I am glad that you do have him in your corner.

Awesome that you were able to find an amazing ob. It restores faith a bit I imagine :)

Thanks for sharing your experience and thanks for your information about good obs and good policy. I wish I had skin on skin for my c/s. It is still one of the major things that haunt be about my DDs delivery and it does warm my heart to know there will be less mums and babies separated as a result of such logical policy.

thank you so much jackrose. you words mean so so much right now.
happy to share any info i get, i know the vbac journey can be a confusing one.

i'm so sorry you're in this place. I'm wondering whether your situation and mine were similar or not (as i'm not sure whether we physically ended up the same after the 2nd c-section). I had an inverted T incision made after my 2nd c-section (unnecessarily it appears) and although the obs (i was at the RWH Melbourne) were reluctant, after i had got my hands on every available study and gained knowledge from others who had been in my position, i decided that i would still try for a VBA2C. I had to fight hard for my right to try, but i was fully informed as i went into it and also had a private midwife with me at home and at hospital too. If your situation is similar, i can try to find those studies for you if it helps?

Through circumstances beyond my control, i still ended up with another c-section but that's another story.

I found i needed to grieve the vaginal births i would never get to experience and try to come to terms with the births i had had. The women in this forum helped a lot, and mostly time and learning to accept those things we cannot control. It took me many many months to grieve this and was helped by seeing a counsellor (for only a couple of sessions, but helped me). i think I would still be grieving i think if i didn't feel my family was complete.

You can still push for things that you can control. Insisting on skin to skin immediately is one. I made sure my husband was the first person to tell me the sex of my baby not a doctor. And making sure i wasn't alone by myself in recovery (like i was the first 2 times) - my PM stayed with me as my DH was with DD3.

Your journey is as important as your baby's so i hope you get the time to nuture yourself and feel the support from the women in here. Best of luck.

Hugs love... really tough for you.

XXX Bella

im so sorry to hear that hun.
Dr wallace is the best of the best, im glad you enjoyed seeing him even though the news wasnt what u wanted xx

Joymama, sweetheart :hug:. I was going to start a very similar post tonight. It's been something playing on my mind for some weeks, but I want to offer a virtual hand to hold. I totally understand that grief.

My bub is due in Feb. My third. I dehisced with DS. My scar opened nearly 15cm. I really really wanted to go as far with this pregnancy as I could. I was positive. I at least wanted to go into labour by myself even if it was to have a caesar.
Now my anxiety has kicked in. I'm terrified of hurting this child we want so much. If one more doctor asks me why I would risk my own life or the life of my child I will break their nose.
I am grieving for the planned birth date, the fact that I can never experience a true labour to fruitition, and the fact that someone else took away my chance to choose how many children I will carry.

again. :hug:

I'm so sorry you've had to give up on this dream :hug:
It's lovely that you're able to share information with other mums in this way.

I am so sorry you are hurting now. Hugs

:hug: hun, I know all too well how hard it is to come to terms with and grieve for the birth you wanted but can't get. Hope you can find some peace within it all xoxox

Thank you everyone. I am really really sad and have been crying on and off for days now. I feel it is unjustified amongst all the people in my world who would just be happy to be pregnant and have a healthy baby, so I feel I have no choice but to keep my sadness to myself.

I am just so sad that my dream that I wanted SO SO BADLY is over. And it is REALLY over, there is not one little shred of hope left. I know if I did crusade forward and get someone to support me, my risks are so high that I would not completely relax, would not labour well and may be sent off for code green caesar (which I have learnt are the ones that they do then and there in a 24hr hospy like MMC). I could not do that to myself, DH or my baby.

So it is over.
Really really over.
And when I go to tell anyone about my grief it comes out all hollow and "oh well..." and I just want to cry. Then I feel stupid.
This HAS to get easier. I want to be at peace.
Thank you all SO SO much, I couldnt do it without you all. xoxoxox

Come in here and share your sadness - we're here for you and understand the painful decision. It will get easier. In time. big hugs xx

just wanted to send some hugs to you.
Kim it sounds like you should start a thread too hun, get it all out.
i totally get it ladies, and yes definately vent or share whenever you need to

thats sad :( I really feel for you. I know this isn't going to help your pain at all but I got my VBAC and it still hasn't emotionally healed me, my recovery has taken longer and it was so not what I thought it would be, to be honest I was disappointed and I still didn't get to have skin on skin as he wasn't breathing well and was taken from me yet again. I guess my point is that we dream of these beautiful VBAC's and spend so much time on them in our minds building them up to be this spectacular thing when in fact most of the time (well ppl I have spoken to) they just aren't. Looking back if I had known what my VBAC would be like I truly think I would have opted for an elective c section. I hope that you can come to peace with the fact you will not get your VBAC, I hope I haven't offended you with my post but I thought I would share a perspective of someone who had a VBAC and now thinks an elective c section would have been better.

I'm sorry to hear that your plans for a VBA2C aren't going to happen. I'm so glad though that you can come to BB & feel love & support. Please ensure you continue to post your feelings right up until the day of your babys birthday and debrief afterwards, if you feel the need.

I really feel for you JoyMama. My VBAC dream is done with too. I'm glad you saw Euan, he is fantastic. But it just bloody sucks doesn't it. I had a good old cry when I realised I was headed for my second emergency c/s. It is such a hard decision, and it's easy to say "healthy mum healthy bub", but it doesn't make the "my body let me down" feeling go away. You gave it every chance to have a VBAC, you can't be disappointed with your effort!

FWIW, I've now had two emergency c/s at MMC (Jessie Mac). The first I got skin/skin in theatre, but not in recovery (it was close to 1am though), the second, I got skin/skin in theatre and we had our first feed in recovery. I didn't lose sight of my baby until they weighed her on the ward (DH was with her the whole time). I cannot be disappointed in that aspect of it.

Big :hug: to you. I understand the grief, but it's hard for someone else to understand when they haven't been in your shoes. There's a lot of understanding and support here though!

sending you lots of love & :hug: joymama. i'm so sorry that your dream of a vaginal birth has come to an end. i'm glad you recognise the need to grieve the end of your dream & hope you are getting the space & time irl to do just that :hug:

for a big tertiary hospital there are still a few gems at mmc, i'm so glad you found one.

Oh thank you all so much. It is do special for me to have the support here. SIL and MIL are wondering what's wrong with me this morning and I am just lying. They are very pro medical birth and chances are think my last vbac attempt was stupid.

Kim- I am sorry you are struggling right now. I think now is the right time to get all your stuff out here in this safe place. We are all listening.

Me+bud- thank you for your honesty. I am truly honored you shared and not offended at all. It does actually help me to realise that for me vaginal birth is all about deeply joyful and spiritual experience, I know that sometimes, many times it is not. My Friend said that same thing. Her VBA2C was at home and was fast and scary and her tearing so bad that sex is now unbearable. I know thats only a sometimes thing, but it also makes me remember that vaginal does not guarantee beautiful birth.

Thank you all again. I am still very low but starting to ponder how I can make a c/s a positive and joyful experience.

Oh and perhaps a BFP will be a lovely Christmas present. AF due in under two weeks.

Thank you thank you thank you
I will keep posting in this, it is helping do much to be heard.

Sent from my iPhone at a Christmas party, so apologies for errors....