What changes have you made to make you a better parent?

I am one of those people who, if I am stressed, I withdraw, which of course made being a mum to a baby extremely hard! So I have really focussed on eliminating stress factors, ie reducing debts, keeping on top of housework, ignoring unwanted opinions etc. it's taken me a loooong time but I realized tonight how much it's changed me and how much more time I have to focus on my dd! I'm really hoping this will allow me to focus on my baby more this time instead of having my mind elsewhere.

What about you? Have you made positive changes?

Patience, although I do suck at it at times, like tonight! I have had to give my DD a chance to do things in her own time rather than me breathing down her neck. I am an extremely impatient person so this one is a toughie for me. Also control, I am a controlling personality & I've had to learn to breathe clamly and try to relax when things do go quite as planned and as you know with a child life is unpredictable (also working on that!)

Taking time out. I find if i get too emotional or frustrated i cant get through to DD so if i take 5 mins to calm down i can get her to do what i want.

Balance ;)

I struggle with motivation so keeping on top of everything like housework, making sure DS is in bed on time etc. I am doing flylady atm to try to get the house in order. Just joined the gym...

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I have OCD...my standards had to slip a little (OK a lot) or I would have not made it through. Everything used to be perfect. Clean and neat and put away - all the time. It took a long time to get that to be OK but I did, and I'm still OK.

There have been lots for me though. Learning to trust myself. Cutting myself some slack. Stopping reading parenting magazines and all those very strongly pushed parenting books.

I NEED to learn patience. But HOWWWW???? I get so frustrated so quickly, and also have ridiculously high expectations of everyone, including myself, meaning I constantly feel disappointed and let down.

Looking at my responses when I see us going through a "rough patch" I can guarantee you that every time my fuse is short all it takes is to reassess that, change it and then the "rough patch" seems to end. Sometimes we blame our kids too much for their behaviour when often they feed off our own temper and patience levels.

Setting boundaries is not anti gentle parenting. Setting boundaries is the easiest way to ensure that a child feels safe and secure in an environment. It's scary when we're unpredictable at times and learning about human behaviours is tough for them so helping them a little a long the way helps you in the long run.

Being an engaged parent is EXTREMELY important. Be a part of your child's village. Whether that is school, kinder, play group, extra curricular activities.

Have a good village yourself. Support is extremely important. Don't be proud. Don't make excuses. If you want to feel better, do something about it. Reach out and make a village, and offer the same support to them that they offer to you. No one likes a taker.

Practice what you preach. If you want your children to have good manners do so yourself. If you want your children to show empathy, be empathetic. If you want your child to appreciate family time then show your children appreciation for the time you spend with them. Good values can't be taught without being holding good values yourself. The amount of times I've seen parents expect a certain behaviour from their children and then disrespecting them by behaving the exact same way astounds me.

There are HEAPS more... will come back.

Thanks girls, love them all and Rouge, please do, would love to hear more! Since I turned 30 last month im on a path of personal improvement and I love hearing what works for others!

For the pp re: patience, read 'Buddhism for mothers' by Sarah Napthali. Very enlightening :)

So, so true Rouge!
Funny story - in that you have to laugh - the other day I lost my temper at DS and actually yelled at him: Please will you talk nicely to me!!! :redface:

From DS to DD I've learnt to listen to my kids and myself. They really do know what they need if you just know how to listen.

When my babies were little and I was losing my temper I would do the following.

1. Stop and take a deep breath.
2. Speak calmly and softly.
3. Have a plan... if xyz continues you know in your head what you will do.
4. If there is something you do not want them to do give them an alternative.
5. If you need to take another deep breath.
6. Phone a friend and walk around the backyard.

What I would not do.

1. Yell.
2. Snap.
3. Ignore them.

And the BIGGEST way to retain my patience was positive reinforcement. Praise them for their good behaviour. If listening is a problem praise them for listening even if it's something as simple as you ask them to pass you something and they do it. Point out that they listened, and it makes you happy and you are proud of them. This is an example of what you want. When kids push the boundaries to the point of us losing our temper in most cases it's not because they are defiant, or obnoxious it's because they do not know what you want. Praise doesn't have to be overdone but it is important. Think of it as constructive feedback. We expect this on a daily basis from our friends, family, partners and bosses yet we don't offer it as freely to our children because we've been given the impression we can "over praise". Awareness is important.

Another thing to help with patience is this. You've been on this earth for x amount of years. You have learnt a million more things in your long life than your little ones. So imagine if you woke up one day and you couldn't use your legs, you had no control over your bodily functions, everyone was speaking a language you couldn't even understand, the customs were unfamiliar to you, you had no power in the choices in your life and you couldn't even feed yourself. Would you want someone to be patient with you as you learnt everything? Or would you want someone to lose their temper. And how frustrated do you think you'd be if you couldn't communicate what you wanted on a second by second basis. If you didn't understand your emotions and had no way of an outlet. This is what it is like to be a child. We think it's hard for us, but we never consider how amazing we are as humans that we can learn all these things, we may take a while to do it, but we can do it. But we do need help, patience and a good example.

One big thing I think I do as a parent now much better than when I started is food. We are completely hands off, there is no conflict over food, our children all feed themselves (even DS2) completely independently. I keep having to say “It’s our job to offer them food, it’s their job to eat it”. DH and I model good eating behaviour, we eat healthy food, we don’t fill up on liquids (like juice or milk, except BM for DS2 of course). We all eat together at the dining table, they don’t have to eat their dinner but they do need to sit with us and make conversation and there isn’t any other food options. We are totally crap with sleep, sleep is all over the place for all of us but I think we do food well. For me, I can cope with the sleep issues because we don’t have food issues.

Just one other thing WRT tantrums, I read it recently here on BB but I can’t remember who said it (my apologies), “tantrums are not a sign of defiance, they are a sign of distress”. This has really helped me show and have compassion at in a situation where I really struggle.

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Sometimes we blame our kids too much for their behaviour when often they feed off our own temper and patience levels.

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Preach it sister.

Whenever my anxiety and stress levels are raised, the kids are off as well. Direct correlation to both and it can be a vicious circle. I have made the decision to slow down, to not race around not matter how late I am running, to not rush the kids to the shop, to keep them at home and in a rhythm as much, as I sometimes need to get out, because it makes a huge difference to all of us.

Setting a good example is really important too, so I apologise all the time if MY behaviour is inappropriate, if I snap or yell or get grumpy so they can see it's ok to have emotion but you also have to be accountable for your actions.

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Setting a good example is really important too, so I apologise all the time if MY behaviour is inappropriate, if I snap or yell or get grumpy so they can see it's ok to have emotion but you also have to be accountable for your actions.

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This is exactly what I needed to be reminded of, thanks Tan!

two things, and I still have to be intentional about them everyday:-

1. getting more realistic about how clean and tidy a house can be with a baby/toddler.

2. taking time to create memories - sitting on the floor with my DS for 10 minutes, just watching him play, and letting him climb all over me, without thinking about all the things that "need" to get done. I want to remember next week that DS played for 5 thrilling minutes with my scarf, pretending it was a cape, then a towel to "dry" his hair, then a flag ... not that I stacked the dishwasher, or had dinner ready "on time" ...

I've learnt love and empathy. I think everything else springs from those. I try extra hard to see it from DD's POV because I really do love her. When I look at a situation truly from how she sees what's going on, as a small person, it shapes my behavior and reaction.

This applies to everything in my parenting. Especially apologising if my behavior is not good!

I also feel a connection to humanity that I never had before. I'm not sure how that affects my parenting, but it sure affects my life.

Whenever I feel like I'm about to boil over, I sing the first four lines of Amazing Grace. It sounds weird but humming/singing distracts me from whatever it is that is frustrating me and centres me, making me feel like I can cope.

The song makes me think of all the folks who have had a terrible time and made it through it because they didn't give up/in (thinking of Mawson in the South Pole). I'm always interested in inspirational stories of courage and I think we underestimate ourselves about how resiliant we really are.

You could sing whatever you wanted to, as long as it calms you. I do sometimes sing Adele songs or whatever is in my head at the time.

In regards to tantrums, I will get down to DS's level and say in a very soft voice. "I understand you are frustrated at not being able to do XYZ, but we can't do that now because of (insert reason here) and I promise that next time we do *** then we can do XYZ".

I also stick by what I say. Three warnings and then it's out/taken off him/whatever needs to be done. The flipside of this is when I say I'm going to do something, then I have to follow through, so we have often gone shopping and I've spent 10 minutes waiting for him to play on one of those rides at the mall, until he's ready to move on (or I can bribe him with food/lollipop).

Oh and I always tell him I love him, but not that behaviour. And I explain everything and why I do the things I do.

I think being patient makes me a better parent.
A little girl (not mine) told me how her mother treated her. Looking at her cute face, I pitied this girl so much and realized suddenly I should be patient to kids, and try to communicate with them to know what are they thinking in their litter brain......

am subbing.. will come back to this xx

The best thing I've done is read Buddhism for Mothers (I wasn't a Buddhist at the time but would now like to explore it fully).

The key things I took from it were:

1. Attachment is dangerous. I don't mean as in attachment parenting, I mean in the Buddhist sense of the word which is attachment to certain ideas of how your life should look etc. For me, it meant letting go of thinking that the house should be pristine and I should be a domestic goddess (not that I ever was, it just stressed me that I had this idea of how things SHOULD be and I wasn't meeting that expectation), the children should be doing numerous craft activities every day etc. etc.

2. Mindfulness. That means not looking too far ahead but enjoying the moment. Consciously thinking "oh what fun we're having playing with the dolls house," rather than "I really shouldn't be playing, I should be loading the dishwasher."

3. Meditation. I haven't done this nearly enough. Probably only about a dozen times all up but just thinking about how I feel when I have meditated means that I can kind of accelerate going to my "happy place". I don't need to actually meditate to that, I just remind myself of what that feels like and I use it when I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed.