To interfere or let it be

DD (15) went to her besties 16th birthday last night, movies and they camped outside in a tent, 6 girls and no boys.
All went well or so i thought, the girls parents i have known for 12 years and they have similar parenting rules as we do, so i never had a second thought about the birthday party until just now i was looking on fb and one of dd's friends facebook is public and i noticed she had a status "party time - need grog", i don't allow dd to drink so i went and asked her if she did not letting on i had read anything on fb. She said no but 2 of the girls snuck off and met boys and drank.
Im not naive and i know this happens and yes i did it myself but my predicament as a friend of the birthday girls parents is should i inform them of what happened as we have discussed keeping each other in the loop so to speak with the girls.
I do not like one of the girls much at all but i trust my daughter to make her own decisions and choose her own friends but hope she sees the light with this one sooner rather than later.
Enough dribble, would you tell the parents that the girls snuck off and drank???

I think i would, not in an 'i'm dobbing' (to put it immaturly) kind of a way... more so an 'oh no i think this is where it gets tough lets help eachother out with how to deal with this one' kind of way.

Like you said keeping eachother in the loop and discussing how best to deal with things could really help you both and your daughters.

Good luck :)

I would. They should know what kind of friends their daughter has.

Plus i find it so disrespectful that these girls did this, yes i drank at that age but i never snuck off to do so when i was under the care of one of my friends parents.

Thanks i was just thinking if the shoe was on the other foot i would want to know if it happened at my house and dd just informed me her friends dad had words with the girls early in the night as he found them smoking.
LMS yes i drank at there age too, im more concerned about the disrespect for the birthday girl and her parents, what they do in there own house under the parents rules is no concern of mine. If that makes sense.

I'd tell the parents - if there is going to be alcohol at a party parents should be notified - before if planned, after if not. If the parents don't know what was going on, you need to tell them so they can inform the other parents.

I'd ask to bounce ideas off them, like, how do you think we should deal with this?

I wonder if any of the parents have also seen it on FB and are wondering the same thing?

I would say something as I would want to know if it was at my house.

You did tell them you would keep eachother informed. This is one of those times.

I don't know ...

When my DD was 14 or 15 I knew that one if her friends had sex in a park, after sneaking out. I was fairly close to the mum, and I decided to do the right thing and let her know, tactfully of course.

It backfired on my DD with her friend telling their teenage friends that I "let the cat out f the bag" , it caused a lot of embaressment for my DD.

I spoke to parenting line about it, at the time, and they told me, my most important role, was to look after my relationship with my own daughter, and to not abuse her trust by telling what she confided in me. Especially if it isn't an illegal or abusive situation.

I still see the young girl from the park, the girls are 20 now and I still feel uncomfortable that I shared my daughters trust in me .

It's totally your call, however I would be prepared for what may change in your daughters friendships for her if you do tell, I have always found the parents end up telling who told them, when they confront their own children

I would want to know if it was happening at my home, or during a party I was hosting.

I would want to know so I could keep my children safe, and be aware of potential risks I might need to plan for next time ...

I would also want to know because at the end of the day, you can be held responsible for whatever goes on at your home ... if the drinking was to have started in their yard, or if someone had brought a joint - or if the boys had ended up coming back - etc, there could have been some serious consequences ...

Having had teenagers in our care for several years, things like this came up a lot and communication and trust with other parents we could relate to were imperative.

And having been at parties in my youth when the proverbial did hit the fan, I can see in hindsight that some things wouldn't have happened if the parents had a better idea of what had gone on at earlier parties ...

Naturally, I'd be speaking to the parents in confidence, in a way which wasn't going to reflect poorly on my daughter - if you've known these people for 12 years, hopefully this can be done in a trusting environment where it won't come back to bite either of your girls, but you can brainstorm some ideas for the next party, so you can both be confident that your girls are able to have parties and have a good time and so forth - without safety being compromised.

:)

I would be talking to the parents, just say you noticed on fb what was said, you don't have to mention your dd at all and take the conversation from there.

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I spoke to parenting line about it, at the time, and they told me, my most important role, was to look after my relationship with my own daughter, and to not abuse her trust by telling what she confided in me. Especially if it isn't an illegal or abusive situation.

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Isn't having sex at 14 illegal then? Just like buying alcohol at 16?

The girls will hopefully thank you when they are mothers themselves, even if their short-term attitude is "oh no, dobbed." And do you really want your daughter to be friends with the type of girl who would do this anyway?

IMO : asking the question is sex illegal at 14 in the situation I mentioned is irrelevant. Seriously what 14 year old gets arrested for sex (in the general population)

As for the question would I want my daughter to be friends with "that type of girl " ????? What type of girl, your stereo typing, believe me my DD went to a private girls school, and those "types" of girls, as you put it, are the nicest, intelligent, young ladies you could now meet. Young girls make silly, silly decisions, and if you are to suggest your daughter disassociate with a certain "type" , your being too judgmental.

All you can do is have the best line of communication with your child, be available for them, and hope and pray they make sensible choices.

I'm not a parenting expert by any means, but I am so proud of the way I raised my daughter and the young woman she has become, we have an amazing relationship, so I felt my thoughts may help the OP, if she can think of it from every angle, before letting the parents know.

I am picking up on a vibe that you think my OP was

Look, underage sex is illegal - not my problem that the law authorities don't care. I do. And I don't want my children thinking that breaking the law because the authorities don't care is OK. Nor do I want them hanging around with people of that mindset. Silly decisions get made a lot of the time - breaking the law is not "silly", it is illegal.

And yes, I am sooooo judgemental that I am no longer good friends with some women I used to be friends with because of their choices, such as choosing to swear at and hit their children. Sorry, I don't want my son picking up swearwords before he goes to school, nor do I want hitting to be normalised for him. Judgemental? Sure. Thinking of what behaviour I want my son to see I think is acceptable? Also true.

Omg ! Your completely twisting this whole thread . Who said anything about your son and parents who hit their children.

Unbelievable, how did I get involved in this, when all I was doing was trying to help .

My apologies, I was replying to you. I felt you were saying the OP shouldn't say anything: you had been advised to say nothing unless the situation was illegal or abusive. To my mind, your situation was about children breaking the law, so I don't understand why you regret reporting it. You then said no-one cares about under-age sex. Well, I do.

You then called me judgemental. I will agree to that and gave you an example of being judgemental and why I do it - for the benefit of me and my family. I would not want my children associating with people who broke the law without a care nor who abused others. And therefore, I don't associate with them. Yes, it may be judgemental, but it is what I believe is best for my family - just as I believe letting other parents know that their teen has been involved in illegal behaviour is ultimately the best thing to do; if those children decide to dislike my child for it then no, I don't think they're the greatest of friends and I'd rather DS was free of their influence.

This is my last reply and the only reason I am replying is because you typed " I dont care about underage sex " .

You are blatantly twisting my words, stop it, please.

I have raised a teenage girl into a young lady, whilst being praised all throughout the years for doing it on my own, so i think i have the experience to help the OP see things from a different perspective, BEFORE she lets the parents know, what the girls got up too. so let's keep to the original topic, which was about teenagers and their behaviors, and less about you thinking I condone abusive or illegal behavior.

Not to muddy the waters but here in Victoria it is not illegal for a person over 12 to have sex provided the person they are having sex with is not more than two years older.

Now play nice :D

Woah, really N2L? So what's the legal age for pregnancy, out of interest? Logically that has to be 12 as well.

Back to the original topic - I know a lot of parents and grown-up ex-teens who wish their parents had been told about underage drinking and underage sex BEFORE it became a problem. And everyone was gossiping about it (including the parents of other teens and the schoolteachers, not just the peer group), we all knew people who did it - doesn't make it right, but so many people wish their parents had known and intervened, I am thinking of the long-game and not feeling uncomfortable around teenagers/young adults for the next few years. That's just my PoV.

(Out of polite interest, Bengal, why do you regret reporting? Just because of the embarrassment of seeing those ex-teens every now and then? Or was that a turning point in the relationship with your daughter? I would like to see things from your PoV too, which I really am not seeing now as we seem to be talking cross-purposes. Although I never called you names or accused you of anything, you just inferred that, although that was not my intent and so I apologise.)

As far as I know the law is mute on pregnancy.

Woah. Legally pregnant 12-year-olds is out of my comfort zone quite a way!

I confided in my "best friend" at the time when I lost my virginity. I didn't feel I could talk to my mum about it so I talked to my friend. I was 17. Unbeknownst to me, she told HER mum, who happened to be good friend with MY mum, so guess what happened? Yep, she told my mum. It wasn't until a while later that I said something to mum about it and I was horrified that she knew.

Why? A few reasons. I was shattered my apparent "best friend" had betrayed my trust and I was embarrassed that mum had found out. I was also embarrassed FOR her as she would have been in an awful spot with her friend knowing something so personal about her own daughter that she didn't know. My mum (passive aggressive at times) didn't say anything to me about it but waited for me to bring it up, but when I did, it was clear she was quite hurt about it.

So as a mum with a daughter now, how would I handle the same situation? And the one in the original thread?

Well, I am attempting to create a relationship of trust with my daughter where she feels she can talk to me about anything. I'm sure my mum attempted to do that with me, but about sex, she was a closed book. It was known that she didn't have sex until she was married and she expected us to do the same. But there was no discussion about WHY... so when, as a 17yo, I went off to Uni and had my eyes opened to the ways of the world, yeah I went a bit haywire. I regret some of the things that I did then and not waiting til I was married is one of them. Which is why I made a decision to stop and changed certain behaviours. DH and I didn't DTD until marriage. Anyway... I would hope that I can use that experience to help my daughter feel she can talk to me about things... so that I won't have to find out from someone else.

But if it is one of her friends, and she tells me, well I think I would not tell the other parent. I would want to maintain the trust that my daughter has in me.

But if there was drugs or alcohol involved, I think I would feel differently. Like some of the other PPs have said, I would expect to be informed if there was planned drinking and to be told if it was unplanned. I see that as different to sex... Maybe that's a bit skewed of me, but that's just MHO.

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Woah, really N2L? So what's the legal age for pregnancy, out of interest? Logically that has to be 12 as well.

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Do you believe that a young person who gets pregnant should be prosecuted? I don't know how that will help the situation.

Good question. I suppose I wonder how good for the 12-year-old it is to be pregnant when she still has to complete her education. It is a sad fact that, where I live at any rate, the parents' education has a huge impact on how well the child does at school. If a child has a baby before finishing school, completing her education is harder, jobs available to her will be limited, as she cannot leave her parents and set up home herself at that age (nor can the father) then the baby will not be disadvantaged by living with loving grandparents, but the "norm" of mummy and daddy living together as the adults of the house, assuming they wanted to, wouldn't be able to happen. Huge strain on parental relationship, maybe causing a break-up: not a good situation all-round.

Of course, the 12yo mother could complete her education, even to a high level, once her child was at school, or work wherever and however she wanted. The father could stay in a relationship with the mother and be able to usefully provide for his family. Everything could work out just wonderful.

But it is not overly likely.

I don't have answers, but just thinking of what happened with the girls I knew who had babies before they finished school, it's a far cry from what they wanted out of life for themselves and their children before they found out they were pregnant. (For some, of course, it isn't, but planning an immenent pregnancy when you're 12 doesn't sit right with me - at 12 we may have planned for a family, but not right away, KWIM.)

I suppose I just think a 12-year-old shouldn't get pregnant in the first place! But then that doesn't mean it isn't going to happen.

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would you tell the parents that the girls snuck off and drank???

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Yes. If only to make that girl realise the dangers of having a public FB profile & adjust her privacy settings. It's on FB & public therefore I think you can easily do this without betraying anyone's trust. Possibly the parents already know if they check their DD's FB.

Bengal i spoke to my daughter about telly her besties parents before i went ahead and talked to them about it and she was happy for me too, as she said one of the girls was really drunk and vomiting etc, in her words it was discusting. I have a great relationship with DD and she talks to me about almost everything so i also want to keep it that way. I am proud of her for the way she conducted herself on the night after speaking to the parents today they mentioned that they had heard my dd giving one of the girls a lecture about disrespecting her bestie and there so called friendship.
The parents were not surprised as they suspected something may have gone on but were not totally sure of the exact happenings, they are not going to say who they found out from just that they were directed to it on fb.
The Flying Butter this thread has nothing to do with sex and as i said i do not like these girls but i trust my daughter to find her own friends and make her own choices and i believe forbidding her to be friends with certain people can do more harm than good at her age. I have faith that she will via away from these girls in time and i think she will grow and mature into a lovely woman from learning from all situations rather than wrapping her in cotton wool. IYKWIM

sounds like you have a great and sensible DD on your hand, Madham, and a good relationship with her!

IMO you've handled the situation in way that respects her, her friends, and their parents. nicely done :)

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sounds like you have a great and sensible DD on your hand, Madham, and a good relationship with her!

IMO you've handled the situation in way that respects her, her friends, and their parents. nicely done :)

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Yup this xoxo


Cat xox

i to agree with peanutter. Good job