Birth of My Beautiful Ruby Grace - WARNING - Traumatic - and Long..REALLY LONG
This is really long.. I have put the lead up to the birth at the start then I have in bold down further the start of labour incase you want to skip the leading up to part..i apologise in advance if some of this doesnt make sense..
So 39+3 eager to meet my precious, DH and I decided to DTD see if we could help things on a little (we were very gentle) but I felt all wet below sorry TMI – There was blood everywhere – bright red blood – covered the sheets. I ran to the loo and it was dripping I thought it was the same as all the other times when we would sometime DTD and I would bleed a bit (get it checked every time) and just got told my cervix was really and it can be normal for it to happen as its so engorged. But as always and it was much more than normal I went to the hospital to get checked out.
They checked me out and said I was about 1cm but wanted me to stay overnight as a precaution from the bleeding and the Dr will see me in the morning. They said my partner should go home and come back in the morning – I balled my eyes out as I hate hospitals and I didn’t want him to leave me. Needless to say I got no sleep the rest of the night and sobbed all the way through (poor lady that had to share a room with me).
The next morning (Friday) bright and early DH was back up with me as promised and the lady in my room was moved. Here we sat eager for the DR to come so they could tell me it looked ok and I could go home time bub is ready.
A few hours later 3 Drs came in??I was confused as to why there were 3 but I just went with it. They done a quick scan and said everything looked ok and bub had no room left and was in a nice position as in ready to make her appearance. He then asked to examine me which I allowed and said I was 4cm – I was surprised as I felt some tightenings here and there but didn’t think anything of it. He then asked what would I like from this and I said with a shaky voice “to go home” lol he laughed then went on to say I wont be leaving the hospital until the baby is here for 1 - because I was 39+4, 2 – I had a bleed and that close to term they wanted to keep an eye on me, and 3 – I was 4cm and due on Monday. He said if I hadn’t gone into labour by Sunday they will induce me. He then went on to say he thinks I wont last til Sunday anyway and they will set up a room on the ward for me.
When they left the room I burst into tears. I was so nervous and so scared. I didn’t want to be induced I wanted to try go naturally (even thought I know you have no control over these things). I felt sick I was that scared and nervous but after about an hour I started to come to terms with what was happening. I would meet my baby soon and I am in the best place if anything went wrong.
That day mum and DH brought up all my things and I had a shower and washed my hair and got changed – I felt a lot better. They didn’t want me walking a lot so DH and Mum wheeled me down to the café and I joked saying maybe I will be a freak of nature and feel no pain as I didn’t even no I was 4cm lol… We went back to my room and I layed In bed as they sat there talking fell asleep for a while but was finding it hard to stay asleep. About 9pm mum left and repeatedly said now if you feel anything ring me so I can get back up here – I kept saying nothing will happen I will still be here on Sunday waiting….Then about 10pm DH left and said now get some sleep and I will be back up first thing. I was feeling a little better tonight at being there on my own and thought it would be a good idea to try get some sleep as I will probably have a big couple of next days..
ACTIVE LABOUR
10.15 – I started to get a bit of pain but it went away. Then again. It wasn’t anything too bad and I didn’t think much of it. It kept happening though so I thought I would get my phone out (I had a app that actually had a thing on where you can time contractions then pause and start again to tell you how long and how much time between. They were lasting about 1 ½ minutes and were 7/9 minutes apart, I was breathing through them really good and still didn’t think much of it as they wernt too bad and thought it was a false alarm but got the midwife to get me some heat packs so I can put them on my belly and back – at this time I messaged DH and said that he might be coming back up sooner then we thought (he had only just arrived home). They started getting stronger and I was actually making a little bit of a noise every now and then when breathing through them (I was trying not to make a lot as I was in a room with 2 other pregnant women), I called the MW again and she came back in – she wasn’t sure if this was it as she said your doing a really great job if it is – by this time it was midnight - I sat up on the side of the bed as leaning over with the heat pack either side felt really nice – then all of a sudden I felt this gush down my legs. I called her again and said I think my water just broke – she checked and said your right and checked the colour and said it was all good. I can ring DH and get him to come back up.
She helped pack my things up and asked if I wanted to be wheeled or try walk to the Delivery Suite – I opted to walk. Stopping a few times on the way to breathe I was doing really well. DH arrived at the delivery suite doors as I did stopping for another breather.
We got into our room and they started coming on stronger and faster. My MW told me to try go to the toilet to wee – I tried but I couldn’t. So she got me to come over to put a drip in my hand (I was Strep B positive so had to have antibiotics) whilst she was putting it in a started feeling light headed so they layed me on the bed. The MW then strapped a monitor around my tummy which was so uncomfortable as I wasnted to move around on the bed but she kept telling me to lay still as they needed to hear the heartbeat. She said as soon as they are happy with it they will take it off. It was on what felt like forever. I spent most of the time laying on my left side mum and DH giving my ice and getting me to bite on some lolly snakes as MW said to try get some sugar in me if Im feeling light headed.
I felt like I didn’t even get a break I was constantly in pain and I couldn’t tell when my contractions started and stopped. I just remember grabbing hold of DH’s jumper in a bunch and pushing and pulling him back and forth. They kept putting a wet cloth on my forehead and my confident lets do this turned into I cant do this anymore.
Mum kept saying if I want something for the pain to say but deep down I had this feeling this was all going to come to an end very soon. My body started to tell me I needed to push. I yelled out I need to push and the MW kept telling me to pant and she will check. She seemed a little adamant but said I could try. I tried with all my might (DH said I pushed for about half hour) It felt like a lifetime. I kept my eye on the prize – I wanted to meet my baby and I want it now. I would let out a massive roar everytime I pushed and grabbed down into the pillows. She told me to pant a bit more as DD was a bit stuck – I don’t remember to much of what was going on but mum said she was trying to manoeuvre DD then she got me to try push again. I pushed with all my might feeling the burning and tearing but I wanted this so bad.
The head shes out – It felt like a fish flapping around (ewww) then with another push out she came and let out an almighty cry. My beautiful baby girl was finally here – Ruby Grace born at 2.36am (Active Labour 4hrs 20mins) (2hrs 30mins from when waters broke). She was put straight on my chest and I was relieved, Happy, Excited, Scared, all these things in one, it was overwhelming but all at the same time I was exhausted and felt I had no energy to talk.
There were 2 MW’s in my room and next thing the alarm went off and the room was full. There were 10 or more ppl in there DRS – MWs – who knows. They wrapped DD and gave her to DH and told him to stand in the corner – they asked mum to move out the way. Mum said I went pale and there was blood everywhere, Next minute they were putting more cannulas in my arms, checking my BP, giving my more drips jabbed me in the leg twice – I had second degree tears and my uterus wasn’t contracting. Mum said they had their hand right up in there swishing it around and pulling out what looked like clumps of blood. They stitched me back up, massaged down on my tummy which really hurt aswell, put a catheter in and got the bleeding to stop. They estimated I haemorrhaged 1.5L, I don’t remember much I was so out of it, I couldn’t talk, or keep my eyes open.
Soon after I was feeling more awake but still had no energy to move – They sponged bathed me and got me a piece of toast and set up the room there as there were no rooms on the ward. Mum was stroking my head saying how proud she was and I done a great job – no pain relief at all. I kept saying to her am I going to be ok, I thought I was going to bleed to death and was terrified but was too limp and out of it I couldn’t express my feelings.
We went down onto the ward and I stayed in bed all that day – they didn’t want me to get up as I lost a lot of blood and I was too light headed. I tried to sleep but couldn’t and layed looking at my beautiful DD. I kept complaining all day I felt hot and flushed and like I was going to faint but I was laying down. They kept checking my obs but told me to keep drinking water. That night DD was crying and an old cranky MW came in and said you cant have her crying in here you need to take her to the nursery and feed her. I tried to explain to her I cant get up, I have a catheter and im light headed she snapped back and said did you have a CS and I said no – she said get up and get moving around then. I felt like crying but I wheeled DH into the nursery and tried to feed her and change her whilst carrying my catheter bag.. Next minute in the middle of the nursery blood dripping down my leg and everywhere (I could wear knickers but the tube had to come out to one side which allowed blood to drip down) I was so embarrassed but at the same time felt like saying I told you so LADY..
The next day I was feeling much better than the day before, I actually got up to have a shower and felt fresh again – they came around and took my drips out and my catheter and I started feeling a bit human again. I would get pains here and there but shrugged it off. I keot feeling light headed though which they said is normal cause I lost a lot of blood but they would take my bloods today to see if they think I need a transfusion. They came back low around 90 something I think but they wernt too concerned and started me on iron tablets. I was sitting up and eating and holding my beautiful bundle it felt my only problem now was breasfeeding..she wasn’t latching on and she was a bit jaundice.
Everyone went home and I got some quality time with my hunny bunny. I was finding it hard to jump up and down all the time so I layed with her on my bed for a little while. Snuggling her and just gazing out our amazing creation. Early morning about 2am I felt like I needed to go to the loo – I got up to go to the toilet, as I got there I felt like I was going to faint. I pressed the emergency button and a MW got there just as I fell over face first. When I came to I was laying on the ground and couldn’t get up. They kept saying you need to get off the floor its cold on the floor. I tried once with no success. They brough a wheelchair and I managed to get up on it – However I blacked out again and don’t remember going from there back to my bed. As I got back to my bed I started hearing voices again but it was still dark. I suddenly got this picture infront of my eyes it was pitch black but an outline of what looked like a man with a robe on and wings..an angel?I started seeing again as they put me back on the bed. I then felt this awful pain in my stomach and felt I couldn’t breathe, In went the cannulas again, the catheter, drips, and an oxygen mask. I felt like I needed to cough but I couldn’t cause of the extreme pain in my stomach and chest and the oxygen mask was making me feel worse making me need to cough more.
There was all these people around again talking about what they are going to do, what they think it is, getting blood to cross match for blood transfusions and I cant remember what else they were saying and doing all I kept saying was I saw an angel and am I dying am I going to die – I was petrified. They rang DH saying to come up now he would need to sign papers and he was there in 5 minutes – he said he ran every red light and was so scared and didn’t know what to think.
They took me back up to delivery suite where I don’t really remember much from there, they gave my blood (3 units), platelets, and fresh frozen plasma. They had their meeting first thing when the big professors arrived and decided the next step was to take me for a scan in the foetal medicine unit. This I don’t remember either. Mum came down with me for this one – they said I had an internal bleed and found an approx. 2.5L haematoma in my left broad ligament – the blood filled all the way up into my stomach cavity and I was in extreme pain. He said this is very very rare and never seem in vaginal deliveries. There was too much blood to operate they would cause more bleeding and I would lose my uterus so the best thing would be to let it dissolve on its own and give me antibiotics so it didn’t get infected.
Back up I went where I was monitored 24/7 obs every 15 mins, pain killers, blood, antibtiocs going through my drips at all times. I was scared I was going to die and I would never get to enjoy my little family, my life, my friends. I cant even explain now exactly how that feels.
My oxygen saturation levels were low so I had to wear an oxygen mask, and I just lay there feeling sick, feeling scared, feeling helpless and half dead. They said I was whiter then the hospital sheets. I was up there on close watch for a few days then got moved down to the wards into a private room so I could have family with me at all times and people check me through the night.
I just remember being so tired but not being able to sleep properly as my oxygen was low I has sleep apnea and I kept jolting myself waking up or I would just have weird and whacky dreams and awake suddenly due to all the drugs that were getting pumped through me.
Slowly the drips came out and the antibiotics turned to oral instead of IV. Catheter finally came out too but I had to use the bed pan for a while.
I would get visits everyday from DRS, physios, etc and I finally could sit up. I slowly started walking and finally got to have a shower and not a sponge bath on the bed. Each day came and went and it felt like the longest time of my life.
DH was doing everything for DD, i couldnt bond as i couldnt hold her, i didnt have the strength but also i had so many tubes coming out all over the place. They held her beside my face so i could feel close to her. I was so upset I was missing out on all the bonding, all the things a mother should be doing. I couldnt look after her, will she start to recognise others before me.
I finally got told after some more blood monitoring that it was looking much better and I could probably go home in a day or two. I was so excited and so scared at the same time.
When I finally got to take my precious bundle home I slept and was In bed still for a fair while being home. I had nightmares and still do 4 months on. I was petrified to be alone at home for a long time I guess cause of the day I started feeling better then BAM I was near death and it frightened me like nothing else. I got very anxious what if it happens again, what if there is a problem. I just have fear of death now or something happening to me.
I had a few scans after to check the clot and am happy to say my last scan they said they couldn’t see any blood there (about 6-7 weeks after it happened). Health wise I still havnt been right. I contracted C Diff (Clostridium difficile colitis) they suspect from all the antibiotics I was on and the bacteria attacks your intestines and colon – I am still battling that.
DD has been diagnosed with Hip Dysplasia and is in a fixed brace which we see a specialist about. She also had clubbed feet when she was born so has already gone through treatment of full length casts to fix them up.
I have been diagnosed with PND and Post Traumatic Stress - It feels like one thing after another but DD is a very happy baby and very strong. I look at her and it makes all the pain go away, She inspires me and I feel so greatful to have her, DH, my family and friends. I cant wait until we are all better and can start to feel normal and enjoy being a family that little bit more.
I know people say not to think about it now and I know but sometimes I get upset as I always wanted 2 children and now don’t think I can go back there again. Things may change but it feels like I have to let go of something if I decide im too scared. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely adore DD and she is the apple of my eye it makes her that much more special.
