DSS has come to live with us permanently VENT

Okay - this has the potential to be long (and is really just a vent ).... no responses necessary I just need to get it out.

Background
We moved to WA for nearly 2 years to be close to DH's kids. During that time, DH never "got round to" adjusting the care arrangements of the kids so whilst we were effectively sharing custody it was not official so we were still paying maximum child support. This really narked me .....

We are now living back on the east coast (for just over a year).

More recently
Just before Christmas DH and I were in WA (he was working and we took the opporunity of free accommodation and only paying for one flight to visit the FC) and to see DH's kids.

At 6pm on the night before we were due to fly back DSS asks DH what time "we" are flying out as he assumed he was coming with us. DH had asked DSS to think about coming to live with us but DSS just kept saying "I don't know". When DH said "huh?!" DSS was very disappointed - putting it mildly.

DH gets back and relays it to me. After feelings of guilt and anger (both directed at DSS, fairly or unfairly I don't know) I used my creditcard which was already at it's limit to book an airfare. Fast forward to a booking confirmation and I have a happy DH and DSS. Me: not so happy - I've maxed out the CC and don't know when I can get it back under control.

It also meant that I had less money to spend on Christmas. Thankfully my mum gave me back money that I had previously given her to help pay for Christmas (I'm paying her back each pay) - ah, she's a godsend!

Now
DSS did not do so well at school last year (we just got his school reports through from his mum and one teacher wrote I have sent letters and left phone messages warning that William needs to quickly improve his application if he is to meet Year 11 course requirements). He was also lacking in support. He's interested (somewhat) in working with animals. I've lined up an interview for him at the RSPCA to volunteer whilst he does his Cert III in companion animals at CIT (yes, I dragged him down there last Tuesday and enrolment day is 1 February).

I asked DH when he was going to contact CSA about the change in custody arrangments. His response: he doesn't want DSS's mum to get a bee in her bonnet because the maintenance payments will be about a third of what she's getting now and thus force DSS to move back in with her (she has full custody). So he's going to continue to pay her $800 per fortnight (he got sea-going allowances last year so the payments are huge and take just over half of his pay) until DSS has settled into CIT and knows that he wants to live with us permanently.

DSS arrived with two pairs of jocks, 2 pairs of socks, one pair of runners, one pair of jeans, four t-shirts and a jumper. I have since thrown out two t-shirts and both pairs of jocks and socks and replaced them with new ones.

Last Saturday DH and I went shopping and DH bought DSS a couple new pairs of shorts, jocks (the kind that cost $15 each) and socks. He got t-shirts and jeans for Christmas. Now he wants to buy him a TV for his room (as DS1 has a small one in his room), a new pair of shoes, more clothes and a bike (so he doesn't feel trapped and can get around). He also said he'll need new bedroom furniture. DH told DS1 that DSS "needs" these things. I told DSS to call his mother and to ask her to post his things over. DH thinks I'm a cow. DS1 said, don't worry mum I understand.

Now I get really really narky.... I haven't had two cents to rub together for a long time. I've been buying DS2 clothes on ebay, DS1 is wearing hand-me-downs from DH (very good quality but still second hand). DS1 also has feet that are growing at an alarming rate and needs new shoes. I'm wearing bras that I bought before I fell pregnant with DS2 - bras that are now at least a cup size too big. I bought my last pair of jeans in August 2008. I'm forever robbing peter to pay paul and my entire wage goes on groceries, childcare and household bills...

And today??
I told DH that if DSS doesn't get into CIT this semester he will have to go to school (new law requirements). DH said that he doesn't want to push DSS away by coming too hard down on him and making him do something he doesn't want to do. I said, "so you mean like me", he said no, I don't think you're being like that at all.

BUT I AM.....

I miss my walks with my husband and snuggling up on the couch and having time together. Since DSS has come to stay we have had maybe an hour together alone (except when we are asleep of course). We don't cook dinner together anymore DSS "can help too" (said in a really "bright" voice), we don't go for our evening walk which was our time to talk DSS "can come too" (again the bright voice....). I want to choose what television show we are going to watch, I want to go and pee in my ensuite toilet WITH THE DOOR OPEN without having to worry about someone walking into my bedroom. Don't get me started on the DTD thing. DSS's room backs onto ours and the walls are thin.

He also has this annoying habit of taking his time to do everything. Argh. DH says it's the "only thing he can control" so we should just be patient. If we are going out he is usually ready at least 10 minutes after everyone else is in the car. Then he wanders out.

Yesterday afternoon I asked DS1 to go down the shops to get some cooking chocolate, DH asked if DSS was coming - he went in to ask him. I said, is he? He said, he's on the phone, I don't know. After waiting another 5 minutes I told DS1 to just go. DSS wandered out about another 5 minutes later. I said nothing.... DH thinks DS1 isn't being understanding.

I'm no longer number one in the house (Well, number two as DS2 is definately number one). When I suggest something we run it past DSS. It's getting to me and I think it's getting to DS1.

....yup, mother of the year award coming my way! I'm jealous of an almost 17 year old boy who is getting more attention off my husband than I am.

We had our nice little ordered family. We fit well together. DH is the only father that DS1 has ever had - but now that DSS is here to stay DS1 no longer seems to feel sure of his place. He acts awkwardly around DH and no longer refers to him as his father but rather "your dad" to DSS.

I think he knows that his dad will do anything to keep him here too. DH has missed out a lot with DS1 but it was DS1's choice. He never wanted to live with us even when we were in the West. But right now I'm feeling very much like an interloper in my own home and I'm sure DS1 is feeling the same way. I don't know how long I can keep on pretending that everything is rosy. What worries me more is that I feel resentment building up inside me each time I think to much on it.

Thanks for reading.... sorry if it's a bit all over the place!

what a tough situation. and the money pressures only make things seem 100 times worse.

:hug: i hope with time & some heart-to-hearts that you can find balance in your family life again.

Ah that situation sucks balls!

The money thing makes it even harder - I hope that is sorted out soon!

:hug:

nothing to add - a sucky situation.
your DH sounds wonderful though and i am sure you will get your special time back soon - maybe just tell him you want the walks alone or something (DSS may not want to come, he may feel he has to)

Oh bleugh! Sounds like it feels really crap. I hope you figure out what to do to help the sitation and that you cagey yhe chance to talk to DH and get him on board. It reminds me of a work sitation recently where they discussed how when you have even just 1 new person in the group it becomes a new 'team' and you have to act as such. All the team process that occur with the creation of a new group apply and as such the 'leader' needs to put in dynamics procedure and policies and create a new culture. Maybe thats a way of looking at it. I know you are just venting so ignore my advice if you want. But I wonder if actually talking about 'the elephant in the room' may open up the discussion for everyone and maybe the kids themselves will have suggestions of how to make it all better?

Good luck. I hate being a step mum. But if I'm gunna do it- I'm gunna do it right :)
:hug:

I have three words for you...

Counselling, counselling, counselling.

Do it now. Don't wait for things to get even worse, because without changes, they will. I have been in a similar situation and it destroyed an eight year relationship (there were other things going on too).

I hope you can sort things out soon x

Hope you guys have been able to sort something out


Sent from my iphone, so may not make sense

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a long heartfelt chat with your DH. I second counseling too and please tell centerlink. It's easy to change if back if he moves back with his mum. If she gets a bee in her bonnet, it's just how it is, he's living with you, you've got the extra expense so you need the money.
Other than that, I can only tell you my experience of having my half sisters and bro stay with us. All children are equal in the family, all have the same responsibilities and rules, it was the only way to keep the peace in our house. Just because your DSS is new to living with the family doesn't mean he is not got the same rules as or more rights than the other kids, albeit he may need time to adjust but beyond that i would endeavor to treat him the same.

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

:hug: sounds like a horrible situation to be in. You have every right to feel the way you do though. Child support can get really ugly too. DH has a DS14 who we don't see any more. Since DH & I got married she has cut all ties. The only contact we had was a try at Facebook, but she blocked us :(
I'm sure after a while things will settle down. And I have to agree with N2L, counselling is a great idea.

Just because he is staying with you don't give him any more privileges than anyone who would stay with you, whether that be long or short term. He is not paying board, he has two feet and two hands so he should be pulling his weight around the house like everyone.

I think you need to make a roster for both the boys and be very strict about it being kept. It sounds like your DS is a good kid but this way he will be on the same playing ground as your SS. If the chores are not done then there should be consequences and no swapping chores until the next roster is done.
At seventeen he is more than old enough to pull his weight and if he doesn't like the rules then he needs to decide where he wants to live.
Your DH is doing him or the rest of the family no favours by not making him accountable for his behaviour

I hope you all find a way to live together as a true family

some great responses, it's very hard "blending" multiple families, especially when things are up in the air (will DSD stay with you for a long time, or leave again in a few months") The uncertainty, the dynamics changing, the money issues, so much to deal with. i third the counselling idea. Hope the vent helped, it's alot to keep "sitting on", when you're fuming inside.

If your DSS is over the age of 12 than his mother can't force him to go back to live with her, even if she has custody. Once he is over the age of 12, he has a right to decide where he lives. So your DH very much can make a claim to have child support reassessed without the fear that his ex will force his son back. It's simple. She can't.

Just thought I'd clear that little misunderstanding up for you so that you can at least alleviate that particularly stress.

I'm probably so late in replying but I just wanted to say I GET IT!
Hugs..

:hug: i've only just seen this. I can imagine how frustrating this is for you.. Have things changed at all? I hope they're getting better

:hug:

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this :hug:. I agree with n2l 100%. Counselling really does help. I have been getting couselling now for a number of years, mainly to deal with the loss of my firstborn son and then things just kept adding to that. My DF has 3 grown kids from his 1st marriage. One daughter that I don't have anything to do with, and the other 2, although I love them to death, at 20 & 24 rely so much on their dad, I feel like my needs come last. I have become quite resentful how I get treated sometimes (mainly as DF choses to have a relationship with his daughter who treats me like I'm a nothing) and as my psychologist told me, resentment kills relationships for good. Get some help hun, you will be able to work though it. Your hubby just wants his son to be happy, and he proabably feels that if he goes back to his mum, he failed somehow. Big hugs xoxox

Well.... things have been holding together (JUST). DSS is at CIT (just starting his second semester). He hasn't been the easiest person to live with and only "pulls his weight" when DH is around. The CIT course is only 2 and half days a week and, well frankly, I don't think that he should be able to laze his days away on the couch while both DH and I work full time and DS1 goes to school full time. I asked DH today how long we were going to give him... he sent me this email:

:

---

About DSS, some of my thoughts.

If I push him hard, like my family did to me when I was his age, it put me down the completely wrong path and it took some time for me
to get back and the Navy did that for me.

Next is I have only had him under our roof for nearly 8 months after nearly 8 years of being apart, and as much as I dont make a big song
and dance about it, its a big deal.

I want a home that is a comfortable, happy place for all the members of our family and I think with DSS its going to take alot more
patience on our part to guide him in the right direction. He has never had this level of support and from his perspective we are just having
a go at him and it just may drive to a distance to far away.

I know I will reach a point where I will want him to make a decision or I will give him his options and they may come with how serious he
is taking on the work load of this course, but I am happy to play it out in the short term. At least we are only paying per fortnight, although I
havent had a look at the policy behind taking him out of the course yet.

This is just some of the things going around in my head but I hope you understand, I feel like I am the meat in the sandwich, I totally understand
your point of view, but I also know where William is at, along with me just being happy he is around now, its not easy.

Have a good afternoon my love, see you when you get here, I am going off to the gym.
Love you
XXX

---

Oh, it does just sound so reasonable... This, however, is the email I wanted to send back.....

:

---

Okay.

The truth is that your son is a lazy f***. He’s never had to lift a finger ever in his life and that’s not about to change. Whenever he’s wanted something he’s been given it to him by his mother. He sulks like crazy when someone tells him like it is. Your father understands that – even if you don’t.

DS1 had to just accept the changes when you came to live with us. You might think it was different but for the first 10 years of his life it was just me and him. You made it adamantly clear that he had to fit in with us not the other way around.

What’s so different.

William made his own choices about who he wanted to live with. Up until the end of last year he had no intention of living with you. What changed at home? Maybe once his mum and partner got married, he was told to pick up his act or get out.

At best he ignores me. At his worst he treats me with disdain. He only talks to me nicely when he wants something.

He talks over me when I’m talking to you to get your attention.

How long are you going to tread carefully around him in case you push him away? Long enough to push me away? Will I ask you to make a choice between me and DSS?

Probably not because to be honest if I asked you to make a choice, I think you would choose him.

---

Of course I will not send that, nor will I say anything. :wall:

Vent over with.

Oh babe, hugs xox Maybe some of your feelings should be sent back to him or told to him (in maybe a blunter way) xox

Set some rules.
These need to be on the days he is home

He does his own washing, puts it on the line then puts it away
Gets tea ready one night a week
Is given some household tasks. This is not being hard on him, this is teaching him life skills when he moves out
No extra spending money unless he earns it
He cleans up after himself........like everyone else in the house does

In all households boundaries need to be set and examples given. You cannot favour one child over another regardless of what happened before as you are now a unit and need to learn to live as one.

Your DH is not doing him any favours by letting him do nothing.
In the 'real world' things happen, it's how you deal with them that build you as a person

Cass, the points in your email are totally valid too. You just have lots more emotion in there! I think you should redo the email so that when dh receives it, he will think everything you said is "reasonable" as they are great points to be making.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you, it's not always easy to love a child that is not your own, in the same way you do yours. And when you resent someone, everything they do seems 10 times worse. I have to say, your husband sounds like a good, good man. It's so easy for people to just wash their hands of their offspring as though they never existed when a relationship breaks down, for him to be so committed to your DSS really shows his character and heart. I really hope you are all able to settle into a new dynamic that is comfortable for all of you soon. I'm sure in but a few years he will be ready to move on and your family dynamic won't feel quite as strained. Best of luck!

thanks ladies. I just need to know that I'm not being unreasonable. I hate being so resentful it tears me up inside.

:

---

Set some rules.
These need to be on the days he is home

He does his own washing, puts it on the line then puts it away
Gets tea ready one night a week
Is given some household tasks. This is not being hard on him, this is teaching him life skills when he moves out
No extra spending money unless he earns it
He cleans up after himself........like everyone else in the house does

In all households boundaries need to be set and examples given. You cannot favour one child over another regardless of what happened before as you are now a unit and need to learn to live as one.

Your DH is not doing him any favours by letting him do nothing.
In the 'real world' things happen, it's how you deal with them that build you as a person

---

Agree times 100! Im not in a blended family, but Ive seen the results (BIL) of 'gently gently' to not 'push away' a teen (30yo BIL spends 23 hours a day on the computer or sleeping, the other hour is either hanging out with 'mates' or playing music. No high school certificate, no job, FIL still supporting him etc)

Maybebaby - DH is a wonderful husband and father. I do feel horrid about it all because like he says he de feels like the meat in the sandwich. He doesn't go on about it alot but I do know that he suffers guilt (rightly or wrongly I don't know) about not being there for the kids.

Rivlas & Trishalishous - I think there are some great points there (actually I like all of them). I don't hesitate in asking DS1 to do things around the house (tonight he's cooking dinner as we won't be home til 7).

Anney & Catastrophic - sometimes just writing (and not sending) is enough. I get out my thoughts (aka resentments) without repercussions. I can (and have in the past) said things in haste that would have been better left unsaid.

Thanks everyone for your hugs and support - I can never quite get over how you get such positive support on the Belly Belly site. The support is always honest even if sometimes not quite what we want to hear! :redface:

I'm totally pot kettle black here. As I don't get the teens in this house to do enough... But I think everyone is right.

Please also get counselling.

The next thing I want to say may be in that bit of "not what I want to hear" so please bare with me.

I've been where you are, I've been easily agitated. Resentful of lack of privacy or space. But I basically had to get over it. It's not their fault. And I would HATE to ruin a beautiful relationship because of my own selfishness. We are so lucky. Yes there are plenty of other people in the world who don't have to share their families. But there are plenty who do. And I think we get too jealous of other people's situations that we don't appreciate our own and work towards making it better.

I know for me I have a lot of single friends, who get time out with their partners every other weekend. I ENVY that. I would give ANYTHING to have that quality time with my DH. However, the hard work that goes into being a single parent they damn well deserve every second of it. I get to be with my partner all the time. Whether it's quality or not.

As for your DH I can't imagine not having my son a part of my life for 8 years and then having him come to live with me permanently. There's a lot of boundaries and ground work that needs to be built up there. And it's not going to be as easy as making ground rules and sticking by them. There's not enough history there for it to be comfortable to do that. And the last thing you want to be is the evil stepmother. Try as hard as it is not to resent him for him being in your space, because the last thing you want is for that to cross over into your patience levels with him.

Take one day at a time. Be patient, but fair, and consistent. And try and see the good in this situation as I'm sure there is some. And slowly it will work out. But it's a slow process. And you will gain from this not lose out I swear!

I'm sorry but I would have sent it. It would have been a big wake up call to your DH. If you are a family then EVERYONE has to work at it and your DSS should have been made to follow the house rules right from the start. :hug: hunny it can be so hard

Rogue - your advice isn't in the "not what I want to hear" category. On the contrary everything you say is true. I hate being the evil stepmother (which I am at the moment....in fact I'm channelling her in ernest!). BUT, knowing this doesn't make it easier. Thank you!

KimB - I did want to send it but you know I was worried about upsetting/hurting him. I think it's family meeting time - in fact I'm going to insist on it on the weekend. Thanks.

Brilliant. We have these often. And I find the best way for improvement (well it has been in my house) has been gentle reminders (even if they are frequent ;)) and leading by example. I believe that often the seed of thought is another good tool. Good luck. I'm sure you are and will be an ace 2MIC ;)