Going to a single parent for 3 months

It looks like DH will be moving to Mildura for 3 months within a few weeks (50/50 chance). Mildura is about 2 1/2 hours away, although he'll be home *most* weekends, I'm basically going to be a single mother for 3 months and I'm terrified.

How do you do it? Is there anything I can do to help myself?

I'm scared of how many of DD's milestones he's going to miss, I'll be like 30 weeks by the time he gets back. He's going to miss my 20 and 25 week scan. Which means I'll have to take the BUS to get to town or rely on my Dad to take me.
DD misses DH so much when he goes away.
I don't want him to go but I've had to be supportive. The job will help him move on in his career and it's something different. He's so excited that there's only 1 other applicant. In the middle of having a big cry.

I'm so scared of being alone. I can't live with my folks for 3 months.
I can barely feed myself.

What if he goes and we decide that we like living apart?? We've talked about it in the past, seperating.

I don't want be a single parent and be alone every single day and night.

Is there any tips you have that will help?

Thought this would make me feel better, but it's just making me cry more.

Two years ago DH went overseas for 3mths and I was feeling so much like you are now, how will I cope by myself with no support and 3 kids to look after. It's amazing though when the time comes you do manage, I hope you will be ok and remember hun you have your BB family right here to support you xxxx.

Regards,
Dianne

Can you go with him?

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Can you go with him?

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My thought exactly.

:hug: Can't be easy...

It'll be tough at first, the first few days are a big adjustment period. But you will find that you'll find your stride and fall into your own little routine. I find it almost empowering, knowing that actually, I'm fine on my own. You'll just need to become super adaptable and let a lot of expectations go. For example, I now shower, wash and blowdry/straighten my hair at night, after DD has gone down for the night, because I just don't have the time during the day. DD's sleep has also regressed, going from 11 hours overnight to a wakeup and feed at around 3am and 5am. You just need to try and go with the flow :hug:

:hug:

My DH went interstate for 6mths last year and I had DD on my own plus was doing IVF. He had four days notice before he had to go.... We saw him occasionally on weekends but pretty much I ended up doing the single parent thing. Our 6mths was to advance his career as well but I do think this all helps us as a family eventually....

I guess for me it was just doing things cause you have to. I couldn't fall apart or stop doing things. My DD still needed me so i got up every day and did what I had to do to make sure she was happy and healthy. I focused on her and her needs and to be honest I just had to put all the rest to the side. So I concentrated on DD and her needs and time just flew. Your DH will be home on weekends and you will be amazed how fast those five days fly past...

DD did miss him but she eventually worked it out. Towards the end we went to visit him a few times (plane trips and all) and made it a little holiday.....We used Skype and phone calls so she could still hear his voice if she wanted to. Sometimes she did and other times she was angry with him.

Goodluck....once he is actually gone I think thats when the strong person within comes out and you get up and go....its all the time before hand thinking about it that's worse than him actually being gone!

Maybe some of the wives/partners of guys in mining, at sea and in the defence forces can give you some tips?

There's lots of ladies here on BB whose other halves are away for long stretches at a time, and I'm sure they can give you loads of tips, advice and support.

Thinking of you xo

I think you will find that inner strength when you need to. I believe your body is an amazing force of nature and will take care of this pregnancy even with hubby gone for a few months. You have plenty of support here :).

Oh darling, I couldn't read and not post. PP have given good advice and support, I can only second their words.

Can you go with him?

No, I can't. He'll be living with someone to save money. Either with a work mate or a family friend. If he ends up living with the family friend, I couldn't go anyway because he has 2 small kids. No-one will rent him a house for only 3 months. Besides, we can't afford to pay rent on 2 houses.
It's just not possible.

I know I could do it, but selfishly, I don't want to. I want him to stay here.
I love looking at the clock when DD is being a ferret knowing that as soon as 5pm comes around he'll walk through the door and help me.

I'm trying not to worry about it, he may not get the job. But, I think he will.

Just offering you big hugs - I know it is not the same, but all my and my DH's families are overseas and Skype is our best friend. DD recognises her grandparents and has a wonderful time talking to them over Skype - without it she would lose so much of that relationship with our family.

Perhaps you could get your Mum or Dad to come over and help out a little bit more to give you a bit of a respite.

Best of luck.

Janie xxx

My DH has lived away for 12months on the 14th. He also live 250km away on a very very remote community. We've got a long haul left as well. Possibly another 12months (though, lucky me, he's coming home for 8 weeks while I'm really pregnant). We live remotely too.

The positives?
I don't have to cook really if I don't feel like it
There's no-one snoring
The money's good
There's far less washing
I can watch what I want on TV
It's amazing the routine you are able to get into

It does suck being on your own with no help. I have no family within cooee. Some days I feel like I'm just waiting for bedtime. DS is full on. So full on I can only muster the strength to take him out every couple of days.
Hospital appointments are hard.
We do have quite a regular routine. Makes it easier for the kids and me. Also DS goes to bed at 6pm...so any time after that is mine. I love that time of day.
I quite enjoy time on my own (even when DH is here) and I have a few hobbies so to be able to do that feels quite indulgent.

Your DD will get used to it quicker than you can imagine.
Surely he'll be able to visit on his days off? My DH can't but we have special provisions ATM
DH has been allowed to organise to be here for most of my scans. Bosses are generally pretty understanding if your DH is willing to be flexible.
People often don't know you need help until you ask them, so don't be afraid to ask for help. I've built up quite a support network of GFs that have been invaluable.

Happy to chat if you need

That'll be really tough for you. :hug: To be honest, I'd never contemplate a job away for DH. Some might consider that selfish - to limit his opportunities - or silly - to limit income - but we have arranged our priorities differently (and DH agrees with me on this).

Does he have to take the job?

I'm sure day-to-day stuff you can figure out - it often all seems much harder at the outset, before we actually get there. Are you able to call on family and friends for extra things? Like trips to the doctor and such.

Yes, he has to take the job (if he gets it). He applied for it willingly. It'll increase his fire role and give him an inside view with what happens during fire-prep, in the fire room, and such.
Fire is an important part of his job. It pays REALLY well, too.
And the fire room is in Mildura. He has to be in Mildura.

I'd never consider a job away from DH, but I really don't want to be selfish and say that he can't work here when he has issues at work anyway, so being away from his work mates will do him alot of good.

Ok, that's fair enough and for you guys to decide between yourselves obviously.

Just my opinion - it's not selfish to want your husband to be with your family.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll be ok - maybe you'll surprise yourself

Oh hun it is a hard choice and definitely something that you have to decide with your hubbie.
I know I struggle day to day, especially on the days DH isn't home til 7:30, it always seems like the days take forever.
My family is mostly interstate so we use Skype a lot and DS recognizes people in real life when we see them after skyping.

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It's really hard at first, but you will eventually find your rhythm and it will be a breeze. My DH travels for work A LOT. I felt the same as you at first, but now I feel more like Kim! Especially love the less washing part!!

When DH first used to go to singapore from Perth, I used to make a huge pot of something, and as long as DS had something, I'd eat it every night till it ran out, then I'd start again.

I'd go for walks every day to get fresh air and keep me sane. I'd go and visit friends as often as I could.

The way I'd try to think about it in your situation is that it's a short term sacrifice for a long term gain as far as his work and therefore the future for your family.

Just try to be positive about it. Although it is hard. :) x


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Re post

Oh Charlotte, I forgot of course you must be extra anxious about the pregnancy after all you went through with Hannah...? :hug: I hope his time away all goes smoothly for you

:hug: stay strong hunny. I know it's not easy, but now it's time to be his strong support and time to be dependent. It's hard at beginning, but trust yourself you can do it. In the world there are many things hard to face, though, when it happens, we all are forced to handle and accept. Hunny don't feel sad again, take care yourself and your baby and all the best to you.

sounds like it will be hard work but the other ladies have given you some great ideas... given he will be home on weekends maybe get yourselves into a routine for the weeks and hopegully they will go quickly. It can help to have a plan in the late afternoon so those hours pass well - i often invite other families over for kids dinner when my DH is away - kids love it and when they leave it is bath and bed time already!
the PP have great ideas and more experience for you.
x

We went through the EXACT same thing a year ago - DH was very unhappy in his job and he was offered a better paying one back in Brisbane (where we'd lived for many years previously). We had other commitments in Toowoomba at the time, and couldn't just up and leave - so we decided he would take the job and commute home on weekends. I stayed in Tba with the children and continued to work full time. We did this for nearly five months before I was able to come back down to Brisbane and join him.

It was very hard at first. My hubs has always been very "hands on" with the kids and around the house - so I knew I was in for a rude shock as far as the amount of housework I'd have to cope with etc. But as others have said in a way there was less mess without him around LOL! And cooking was easier because he's pretty picky and the kids and I aren't - so there were plenty of nights we could just eat whatever when if he'd been home dinner would have been more of a stress.

I also found parenting generally a bit easier - because there was only one parent and ONE set of rules. There was no more kids playing us off against eachother - what I said was law, because there was no higher court of appeal! That was good...until we were all under the same roof again and for months the kids wouldn't listen to a word he said. Still having issues with that even now, where we didn't before.

If you've got family around they can be invaluable...make sure everyone knows what's happening and you'll find support from the most unlikely places sometimes.

In the end, I found strength I didn't know I had. I found I *could* actually cope with taking two kids grocery shopping at once because I HAD to. DH really noticed how much more self reliant I'd become once we moved back down here. And that was a HUGE positive, I think.

Good luck, you can do it :)

My DH is ex Army and was away for quite long stretches at a time mostly for 6+month at a time.

For the first day I always cried.
Ds was only little and he'd always spend the day hugging me and making me feel better (he might have been 16months or so)
Then by 5pm or so I'd suck it up and start a routine.
You will find your groove. Just have to set yourself a routine and everything will work out fine.
I promise!

Last large stint away dc were 8years old and 1year old.

Try to organise your OB visits for Saturdays when dh is home.

Tobily it's so true. Parenting here is still my way or the highway even though dh is no longer full time ADF. What I say go's. Poor dh often complains the kids don't listen to him.....Just quietly though I think it has a lot to do with the fact dads a push over and never follows through.
True too, you do find inner strength and almost power in yourself and your abilities.

All the best

P.S A final thought that is helpful for the kids (I don't like it though) is video calling. The kids love it. I don't usually cause I'm trying to do two things at once. The kids always call at bed time if he's in range. When he's not in range which is quite often we will all sit around the computer and type him an email. The kids love that as well.

My DH is away Tuesday to Thursday every week at a minimum. Sometimes this stretches to the weekend and then into the next week making it about 10 days or more.
TBH now I've got into the routine and so have the boys I think that it's tougher on DH than it is on us. Once I adapted I've discovered that really there are benfits to have a part-time DH.

It's much easier keeping the house clean without DH in it. It's not just that he's messy but he also complains when I tidy that it's only a tiny bit messy so it can wait and of course after a few tiny messes are left to wait they become a big mess.
Also there is room in our bed for 3 to sleep comfortably but 4 is a squeeze so when DH is home I end up having to move to a DS's bed if the boys decide to get into our bed.
I don't have to justify watching TV shows like Wife Swap and Next Top Model :redface:
The boys really enjoy using skype and they also know how to ring him using my phone so they can stay in touch during the week.

i don't know the history of your last pregnancy, but you sound scared to me, and i'm guessing you need the support of other adults around you, so you can get thru this pregnancy, cos this time you're pregnant with a toddler as well, let alone the pregnancy itself. You sound like you either don't drive, or can't due to illhealth, or maybe your dh will take the family car and you'll be carless for taht period, and i get that, cos without being able to drive places, that takes away alot of independence.

I would let all your friends and relatives know the score (if your dh DOES get the job), so that for those three months, you have
= visits from them (if that's what would make you feel better, e.g people visiting at tea time so you have help when your LO turns into a ferret, help with bath and bed time - whatever is the "hardest" time of the day for you.
= regular playdates with people who have an extra baby car seat to take you and your LO to a park, or come to yours, if no extra car seat.
= either people who can collect your grocery shopping for you, or online grocery shopping if you live somewhere that has that service
= people to take you to, and be with you for your scans, or look after your toddler during the scan
= people to bring you freezable meals

Speak up, let those around you know what you actually need (i have just put random suggestions, only you know exactly what you need).

They may just surprise you, and step up. or not. but at least you will have tried.

Try to get yourself Skye familiar etc, before dh goes, so you have that avenue to keep in touch.

Thinking of being a single mum terrified me too, and now i am one. And we survive. But yes, it is different, being pregnant with a toddler as well. (plus i drive and that makes such a difference to my independence as a single mum).

good luck hon.