[advicee] mum problems again

I need some advice.

So for those of you who may remember. Mum invited herself down for christmas. She arrived, was here for 6 days. Made my life hell, and in the end left on boxing day. I havent spoken to her since then and I have no intention of speaking to her in the future.

This week is her birthday, I dont know how I should deal with it. Should I send her a card from the girls?
Then sprout is due, I just planned on sending her a text message, like everyone else, to announce sprouts arrival. The other issues is what happens if sprout is born on her birthday, I dont know if I can deal with that! It scares the daylights out of me to no end!

Then there is the issue of her somehow getting hold of DH's mobile number and calling him whenever she gets on the booze, to abuse him. About the pain and suffering I am causing to her and the rest of my fmaily. I have told him not to answer the phone, but sometimes he just answers without checking who it is (especially at the moment, if the phone rings whilst he's at work, he just answers assuming its me saying Im in labour). Last night she rang him at 10:30, he was at work (chef) in the middle of a wedding. Her behaviour is just not on. Changing his number is not an option, its his work phone.

Im at a loss as to how to deal with it all. I need some advice, some ideas of how to cope with it all. I just cant be bothered using the energy to fight her, to have the emotional games in my life, I just wish I could disappear forever and a day and not have to deal with. I just dont know what to do.

Re the phone... Can your hubby assign a special ring tone to her so he knows it's her without having to look?

:hug: sorry she is making your life difficult. i like helle's suggestion of an assigned ringtone.
As for the birthday, yes probably a card from the kids if it wouldn't cause more conflict. I hope for your sake your bubby comes on any day other than her birthday.

thanks ladies, Helle, I'll get him to do that. I have a different ringtone for her on my phone, have no idea why I didnt think of it for him! :doh:

Yeah, maybe try the ring tone, but I can just imagine when he is at work he would be concentrating so much on his job that that might not even be noticed. Can your carrier block her number?

We all know that most babies pick their birth dates and if Sprout does decide it will be that day then it might change the day from been a day you have bad feelings to it been a brand new day with a new meaning and new memories to wipe away the old ones. New and fantastic replacing old and horrible.

I think you need to decide if you want your mum in your life at all or how much. If you think you can have some room for her then I would send the birthday card and the sms but if you think that you have no more energy for her and you want her to stop contact then do the same. If you keep any sort of contact you are always leaving yourself open to her.

Who knows after a year or two of no contact it might make her change (even a little). It worked for me and my mum. She blamed me for EVERYTHING in her life so I stopped all contact for a year and it worked a bit, she is still far from the best but we can have a relationship. That might change if she ever decides to move closer then 10 hours away though:)

Sorry you're dealing with this :hug: For her birthday I'd probably send a card from the girls. As for her calling your DH, can he block her number?

I think you can have the number blocked from his phone. He will need to contact his provider and ask them how to do it.

Until then give her an annoying ring tone so there is no way he won't know it's her.

All the best for the upcomong arrival of your baby.

:hug: I don't have any other advice, the ring tone sounds like a good idea- I had the "psycho" theme assigned to my mum for a while, no mistaking that for anything else!

ditto re getting her number allocated to a specific, VERY different ringtone or getting your service provider to block it.

up to you re sending a card from the girls - are you inviting her to continue/pursue a relationship with them? if not, I probably wouldn't send a card, so as to not risk her getting a mixed message.

if you are happy for her to continue seeing them, then yes, I'd send the card.

re the date - I understand ... we've got a similar situation coming up, and I'm just praying and keeping my fingers crossed that Ziggy behaves and stays up where it's warm until after that day has come and gone!! and if he doesn't comply, and he arrives on the yech date, well, that date will now have an awesome meaning, and hopefully that will cancel anything else out, and the other reasons that date previously stood out will all fade in comparison ... ?

you will cope. one day at a time.

:grouphug:

Sweetheart - If you have made it clear to your mum that you are not tslking to her then DO NOT send her anything for her bday even from the girls - its mixed messages and it sets your girls up to be used as pawns ........ plain and simple.

thephone sounds sorted :hug:

fwiw my NM still has not yet met my DD. we invited her down (granted it was short notice) but she chose to cut her nose off to spite her face and sent DH a rather loaded text requesting more notice.

If bub comes on her birthday - there is nothing that can be said or done ...in fact its a pretty good reason to NOT be in contact with heron that day :lol:

:hug: be glad you can choose your friends x x

After reading Nae's post, I think I have to agree with her about the card :hug:

Thanks ladies, I talked to dh about changing his ring tone, which he is going to attempt to do. (he's not that handy with technology :lol: )

Peanutter, Thats a great way of thinking about the day. I do really hope that sprout stays well away from it but at this stage I would be so happy to meet sprout and start our new lives as a family of five Im sure I wouldnt even think about the date in the beginning. Im going to try and alter my thinking about the day just in case.

Nae, I havent made anything clear to her yet. I honestly have not spoken to her since she left. I have told my brother I want nothing more to do with her, but that was mainly to get him off my back. since boxing day, she has rang me once, which I didnt answer. Shes texted me a few times trying to make out it was all my fault, but shes not angry with me. I havent said anything or texted her anything because I just dont have the fight in me anymore. I cannot be bothered with any of it.
I definately dont want the girls to be used as pawns anything, yet this is where it gets confusing for me. Growing up, my relationship with relatives was governed by who she was and wasnt talking to. I swore to myself that when I was a parent I wouldnt take away my childrens right to have relationship with relatives on the basis of my relationships (does that make sense?) So in short I dont want to take away a relationship with a relative from them because of my problems, but then I dont want her in my life. Maybe the girls are too young to know about it, and will ask later in life. I just hope they dont have the hurt that I carry because of what I experienced growing up.

Christmas was the second time mum had met DD2, the first time was when we went up there for our niece's funeral when she was 6mths old. Its not like she makes an effort to visit or have a relationship with the girls anyhow.

Thanks ladies, you have given me lots to think about! :)

Phones can have a blacklist - mine does. So I can blacklist someone and the phone never even rings.

I'd be not sending a card or texting a BA.

Your girls have a right to have relationships with members of their family who are loving, caring and will not abuse them. Can you honestly put your mother in that category? Your girls not only have a right to but deserve a mother who is not scared of the telephone, constantly in tears or walking on eggshells. Can you give them that with your mother in your life? If your mother wants a relationship she can put in the effort - see if she does before stressing.

Beez is due 3 days before SIL's birthday. 2 days before my brother's birthday. I don't care if he comes on my brother's birthday, but I'll be crossing my legs if he's coming on SIL's.

I agree with TFB. We're in the same situations with MIL. She's a negative influence on DD, and has not yet made a decision to change.
Your mother sounds alot like my MIL.

My advice would be to take the advice these wonderful ladies have given you.
Good luck, and if you want to talk feel free to PM me. I know what you're going through.
:hug:

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Nae, I havent made anything clear to her yet. I honestly have not spoken to her since she left. I have told my brother I want nothing more to do with her, but that was mainly to get him off my back. since boxing day, she has rang me once, which I didnt answer. Shes texted me a few times trying to make out it was all my fault, but shes not angry with me. I havent said anything or texted her anything because I just dont have the fight in me anymore. I cannot be bothered with any of it.
I definately dont want the girls to be used as pawns anything, yet this is where it gets confusing for me. Growing up, my relationship with relatives was governed by who she was and wasnt talking to. I swore to myself that when I was a parent I wouldnt take away my childrens right to have relationship with relatives on the basis of my relationships (does that make sense?) So in short I dont want to take away a relationship with a relative from them because of my problems, but then I dont want her in my life. Maybe the girls are too young to know about it, and will ask later in life. I just hope they dont have the hurt that I carry because of what I experienced growing up.
)

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Sweets I understand really I do .... I swore I would never let my feelings about anyone, interfere with my childrens relationship with that person .... unless that person does the wrong thing by my child. My kids are too young to know whats good for them so its my job as their parent to ensure they are surrounded by loving, caring people who will be positive role models in their lives. Its my responsibility to ensure the right people are there to help model them into the people they have the potential to be :D

My mother pulls out all stops for everyone else, even babysits my niece. My SIL thinks the sun shines out of her butt. She admits to fault when talking to other people but CANNOT apologise or acknowledge her wrong doings when they have been done to me. Everybody deserves forgiveness but you need to ask for it in order to receive it. I want to lead by example for my girls. Even by offering life lines to people to give them an opportunity to do the right thing.

I am not saying you should forgive and forget, but if it helps to explain to your children that yes Nanny did the wrong thing and she needs "time out" to think about what she has done and given the opportunity to apologise.

Anyway, good luck hun,I have ceased all contact with my immediate family and as a result of our looooong running dispute, I have lost my extended family as they all believe my mothers crap.

Its hard emotionally, but they have also made their own minds up. My children will be told the truth when they are old enough.

:hug:

I bet your glad yesterday has come and gone and sprout did not make their arrival:)

Kazzo, sure am and the day seemed to drag out too! :lol:

Nae, thank you! After reading your post, I rang my pop (dad's dad) and had a talk to him. My mum had been saying some pretty horrid stuff about me to him, and apparently my behaviour had upset him. So I cleared the air with him, which was good. I know that by ringing him I have set in motion my version of events and they will get round to everyone that needs to hear the truth.

In the end I sent her a text message in the afternoon literally saying 'happy birthday, hope your enjoying your day.' She replied, with 'thank you, would like to talk to the girls as my birthday present'. Well Thankfully when I got that Dh had taken the girls shopping to give me some down time, so there was no way I felt I had to call her. When Dh got home I showed him and he all he said was how manipulative of her to use the girls like that. I havent responded, and dont intend to either. She rang three times yesterday, and all three times I never heard the phone ring, thanks to it being on silent!

Im really glad sprout didnt make an appearance yesterday, although Dh and I did have a long talk about everything so he understood where I was coming from entirely and we had talked about a plan just in case sprout did arrive.

This time round feels different to every other time before. I dont feel bad for not contacting her, I dont feel guilty either. Im emotionless at the moment. I know Im doing the right thing for myself and my children. they dont need to see their mumma stressed and upset because she has let someone treat them wrong again. I know that I am showing them that its ok to be strong and say enough is enough and I deserve to be treated better than that, etc.

Now I just have to deal with sprouts impending arrival. At this stage Im thinking I will include her in the group text message, and maybe photo. but thats it.

Im still trying to get dh to work his phone out. right now she is telling him how much of a horrid person I am and that he should leave me, take custody of the kids, and make sure I sufer because I deserve it. Pity for her is tht he wont listen to her because he's seen and heard and had to be there for me too many times now to believe a breath that leaves her mouth.

Ok, this has gotten harder.

I found out last night that my brother and mother have been in talks with the IL's. It explains why the IL's have being acting weird around me since christmas. I know that my brother hasnt got their numbers, but my mum does. Which means that if Dh has been getting drunken late night abusive phone calls from her then that means that theres a great chance that the IL's have been too.

They (ILs) dont know much about my history with my mum. I honestly dont know if they even like her. thankfully they have only met a few times in the 11yrs Dh and I have been together.

Today I feel like this has just spun out of control. I have no idea what lies and mistruths she is telling the world. She seems to be good a spinning tales with Dh and the rest of my family. But the IL's???
MIL isnt the sort of woman who I can talk to about this. Family relationship breakdowns are a foreign world to her. Worst thing with MIL is that she is very likely to tell everyone in her family, but no one will talk to me about it. FIL, well, he doesnt listen to anything that doesnt concern his little world.

Today I cannot comprehend how much she must hate me to infiltrate my world so heavily with lies and nothing but negativity against me. Its more of a reason to get her out of my life, and I want her gone. But I just cant deal with how much this is affecting my life right about now!

Help please!!

Oh hun I couldn't read this and not post :hug: :comfort: i can't imagine the amount of stress you are under right now.

Although it may seem hard, I would definitely confront the in-laws, and explain (doesn't necessarily have to be in full detail, but enough they know whats happening) what your mum is really like and the reasons she's done this (according to her, then your version of events)
It will likely be awkward as anything, but they may surprise you with how understanding and supportive they are!

I would DEFINITELY be blocking her numbers from your and DH's phone now, and giving her warnings that of she doesn't back off that further action will be taken (dont have to say what, if you're not sure what you'd do, but it's the threat nonetheless)
Even after talking to the IL's, get them to block her number if they agree? I'm sure they wouldn't object to it seeing as they'd likely be gettin woken up at all hours of the night :/

I really hope things settle down Hun and sprout is born to a (relatively) stress-free mumma, and drama-free life :comfort: :hug:


Sent from the mobile world of iPhones - while no doubt i should be elsewhere!

Thanks hope;

After 11yrs of being together, the IL's dont know that my mum kicked me out of home, that she emotionally and physically abused and tormented me for years. That I was the adult in the house that cleaned, cooked and cared for my brother and her. That I didnt have a social life because I was either trapped in the house on weekends, or not allowed in the house at all. Wait that was every day just not weekends. No one knows that I would get up in the morning and try and find something for our lunches, that I would babysit in order to enable her drinking and gambling, that the money I earnt went on feeding my brother or to her so she could party away her life.
Im sure they know the relationship is different to others, but not sure how different. They have no idea about the random bouts of abuse I get because she likes to make herself better by putting me down.
I have no idea about what she has been saying this time round. I dont even know what she would have thought up for me to have done wrong.

Maybe I should as Dh to ask his mum? At least that way I know what I am dealing with without exposing myself too much?

What your mother is doing is not on. How dare she try and use your in laws to get at you. Talk to your in laws. YOu don't have to disclose everything to them but tell them that your mother is not a well women and is trying to cause trouble and that they should block her. If your mother keeps it up I would be contacting the police and looking into a harrassment order been put on your mum. I think you will need proof though, have you kept any SMS she has sent and keep your's and DH phone log of incoming calls so it shows how many times she calls.

Your mother needs to know this is not on and that you need to be left alone. I know at the moment you are concentrating on Sprouts arrival (yay, can not wait) but I don't think your mother is ever going to let up.

I think your DH needs to talk to his family and find out what she's saying, and put them right. Without you "knowing" anything about it - he can tell you later, but make it look like he's acting off his own bat.

Second, you need to tell your mother she is out your life and if she attempts ANY contact with you or your ILs, contact you via your brother or suchlike, there will be police involvement. This has gone waaaaay too far. I know my mother (nowhere near as bad as yours) talks me down to my PiL, but they don't listen to her and she doesn't call them. I would be really creeped and sickened by something like this.

Thanks Kazzo adn Tfb, Ive been thinking I will get Dh to find out whats being said, at least I dont have to find the guts to do talk to them about it. He will find out and set them straight.

When mum left here this time she went to stay with her sister, so today I sent her a message asking her what had been said. thankfully my aunt has been out of my mothers life for the best part of 20yrs (one relative I never got to know thanks to their fighting) and she didnt have much to say. Im going to email her and explain what happened, Im only just getting a relationship with her.

When Dh talks to his parents I'll get him to ask them to not answer the phone when she calls, well unless she calls on their home phone.

You're right Tfb, it is creepy and sickening. Worst thing is she just doesnt get it at all! She has no idea how far over the line she crossed. Right now I cant talk to her, Im not in the right place in my head to do so. I think I will write her a letter after sprout is born, when mmy hormones have settled. One of us needs to be the logical one surely.