Which way is up?

DH and I have been TTC (quietly!) for the past 7 months. Had given up hope. I was due to O on Christmas Day and my bestie joked that it would be the winning day. We laughed it off and I tried not to get my hopes up.

So, around the 3rd Jan I began to spot. I figured it was the start of AF. I was a little stressed and so figured she had come early. No more spotting until 6th Jan which was constant until 12th when I had a more regular flow but I still considered it "light"for me. On the 15th, I had a shocking sleep and woke several times with extreme nausea, fever, sweating, and cramps. I went to the toilet and had a rush of blood. Also my first clot passed. I persevered with work on the Monday (16th) but went to my Dr who hypothosized an early spontaneous abortion. I had bloods which came back the following day as low readings. I was no longer pregnant - or it was a chemical pregnancy. My GP said he believed it was an early spontaneous abortion (very clinical!) and that if I was still bleeding come Monday (23rd) I had to go back.

Throughout the week, the cramping and bleeding has been constant with some days very very heavy. I passed clots until Wed. Thurs the flow slowed right down and by Friday (20th) I was back to spotting. Until today. Today the flow has picked up again (but still probably a medium flow for me) and I am again passing (small) clots. I've had cramping again last night and today.

I plan to make another appointment with my GP tomorrow. I'm starting to worry at the length of time I've been bleeding. Is this normal? I've not had a D&C. I haven't even had an ultrasound. I have no pregnancy symptoms left.

I have worked throughout the week - felt ok to do so but have left early every day. I normally train most days of the week but haven't this week until today. I had a light session and afterwards had abdominal cramping and that was when the bleeding recommenced. I did no abdominal work in my session.

Can anyone tell me if it is normal to bleed this long? And should I have not been training today? My GP didn't mention anything about training.

And then there's the emotional side. I'm devastated that when we finally manage to get pregnant, it's gone. So quickly. It's been a turbulent week. One minute I feel ok - rationalise that these things happen for a reason. The next minute I'm babbling like an idiot. I was totally ok on Tuesday when I was constantly being asked by friends how I was doing...and then my PT rang me to check in and I lost it. Before I trained this morning, I felt rather good...and then in the space of 40 minutes, I had every emotion under the sun - anger, sadness, disbelief, happiness, self resolve...

To top it off, DH then told me yesterday he doesn't want to try again. Friends tell me he is just protecting himself from pain... but DH's comment caused me tremendous pain! I don't think he means it...but that doesn't make it hurt less.

I don't feel like I know which way is up right now. I'm scared that I'm still bleeding. I'm scared of going through this again. I've spent the last week beating myself up. I shouldn't have had the wine I had at Christmas. I shouldn't have had salami on 3 DPO. I shouldn't have trained so hard after Christmas.

My Dad is coming to visit this week. Wants to bring his estranged wife. That's a whole other thread to make your head hurt though. I just can not deal with this and him and her. I haven't told him. I can't. I feel like I'm to blame for it happening.

OH hun :hug: Im' so sorry this is happening to you. If it were me, I'd go and have a scan done because it sounds like there is still a bit of retained product in there (I hate having to use that term) and you might need a D&C. And please don't be so hard on yourself, nothing that you did caused this to happen OK? :hug:

More :hug: I second what Trillian said. Take care MG xo

I had four chem pregnancies last year and the longest bleed I had was about 10 days, so I would definitely go back and get yourself checked out.

Like Trillian said, this is absolutely nothing you did. Its all way too early for you to have had any input at all. That shortness of time doesn't mean you're not still entitled to be sad and mourn your loss. I'm so sorry this has happened, I hope you are feeling better soon both physically and emotionally.

*massive hugs* im sorry for your loss.

Sent via my vortex manipulator!

:hug: Be gentle with yourself. Blame does nothing constructive. My DH still yoyos between TTC again (though ours was not a miscarriage) as a way to protect himself. Men are funny like that. Here's hoping to a gorgeous 2012/2013 baby for you x

Oh MG, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about which way is up.

I hate all those terms. Retained product... Spontaneous abortion... :(

Many hugs to you :hug:

I think you need to get yourself checked out.

Oh MG :hug: nothing you did 'caused' this. There is no-one to blame. I'm so sorry. It's a feeling that is so lonely.
That is a long time for a bleed though.
Go back to the doctor.

I'm truly sorry for the heartache you feel right now darling woman, and I wish I could say it will end, but in all honesty it probably won't. Time will give you the opportunity to learn how to cope, and how to deal with whats thrown at you, but you will always remember, and feel it. I do anyway, we're all different, and deal differently.
Please take care of you, and try make that connection with DH over your precious loss. All life has love.

FWIW my partner went through the same 'phase' (not sure what to call it really) when we lost our first pregnancy in 2009, and I recently learnt before my DS (third pregnancy) was born (VERY high risk pregnancy with lots of heartache and despair) that he couldn't bare to see me like 'that' again.

Medically, get seen soon. You need to avoid infection, and the bleeding needs to stop for healing to begin.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxx

:hug:I am really sorry. I have no more advice, the other ladies have said it all. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry. :hug::hug::hug:

xoxox

hun, I am so sorry :comfort:
I hope that the bleeding eases off for you soon.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:comfort: I am so sorry you are going through this, be gentle on yourself and I agree with getting it checked again

Oh hun I'm sending you massive :hug:.

I'm so sorry to hear. You just have to push through each day. Don't beat yourself up over the things you should or shouldn't have done. Usually they wouldn't have made a difference.

With my blighted ovum, i m/c at 12weeks and i bled really heavy for a week, then period like for two weeks and then spotted for a further week or two.
with my miscarriage at 5weeks i think i spotted for a week. bled heavy for a week and then a light period for another week and a half.
I wouldn't worry about the length of time, just what you are passing over the time. ie. if it's week 6 and you are passing clots then i would say a d & c is in order.

I hope that you get your baby soon xx Give DH time. Men process alot of this stuff internally or they share with one close friend if they have one. My DH didn't say a whole lot to me which was hard on our relationship. But we got through it and I know he was very hurt and upset, just in a different way from me.

I would tell your dad not to visit. If you feel you need to explain yourself then do...but if you dont' want to that's also ok. Just tell him you aren't up for visitors atm.

OH and after my second miscarriage I also went through lots of emotions in the space of minutes. Mostly i was very angry and cranky for about 6weeks. So it's ok to feel that. Just try to get a handle on them a little and don't take it out on your DH all the time. He is hurting too. xx

Hun im so sorry x massive :hug:. you can get through this xx

Oh sweetie sounds awful. You need to go back to the dr definitely. I am sure DH is just feeling helpless and probably doesn't want you to go through anymore pain x

Thanks ladies.

I've just seen the GP and he is sending me for an ultrasound tomorrow. I'm over it. Bouncing between emotions is tiring. I nearly didn't go to work today but thought I had something important on...but that's next Monday! I stuck it out until 2 and then left for my appointment.

Gp said I can still train but I'm about to cancel my session tomorrow as I'm just not up to facing my trainer. I was doing really well holding it together last week until he rang. Same today. I've just got to get this ultrasound done and get the results. One step at a time.

GBH Mother Goose. It sounds like your on a rough path and a sucky one too.

Hopefully the ultrasound tomorrow will shed some light and you can then start to heal.

I'm telling myself to take baby steps. One day at a time for now.

MG :hug: :hug:

Oh MG :hug: :hug: :comfort:

I'm scared. My GP touched my tummy whilst I sat in the chair - lower abdomen. Ever since my cramping has gotten worse and almost burning like. I feel like my tummy is growing in size. I'm so scared what tomorrow is going to reveal.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:comfort:

Wish there was something I could do.

:hug:

Ultrasound is done. Now I wait. The results won't be avail until after 1515 tomorrow (Wed). The waiting is going to kill me.

I tried my best to get the tech to tell me what he was seeing but he didn't really reveal much. At the end he did tell me that he didn't see anything too scary. But the bleeding had stopped prior to the scan and has started again since. I just want this to be over.

Thank you for your support girls. It means a lot. :hug:

:hug: MG
I am sorry you are having such a horrid time. xxxx

That's a long time to have to wait. Each miscarriage i've had, our hospital has an early pregnancy service who book the ultrasound thru the hossy and then maybe you have to wait half an hour for results to get sent through and they tell you then. they have a really good system going there now, i was very thankful for it.
You poor thing. I hope you can keep busy until tomorrow!

Darling, you are not to blame. I promise. Please don't add self-loathing to an already heavy burden. :hug:

I'm so so sorry this has happened. I know first hand how much it hurts when your partner doesn't want to try again. I hope your friends are right and he is just protecting himself. It really does suck though that his self preservation is the cause of your suffering. Not fair at all.

FWIW, My DP said 'Never ever ever again' after I mc in 2008. He is now considering a second child when we're financially stable. Men say a lot of stuff. Especially in the heat of the moment. :hug:

Be gentle with yourself honey.

I feel its a long time too to wait for results, however (and I dont want to worry you with this), on the occasion where I have been sent home and told to make an appt for later because 'all looked ok', I was called within 15minutes and rushed into hospital.
The ultrasound report you've had done today needs to be sighted and signed after a second opinion (mine was done straight away because I had voiced concerns over my blood loss). I hope yours will be sighted ASAP too.

My situation was a very different situation to yours MG though and thats why I dont want you to worry about anything until you have too (I was 19 weeks pregnant, 4cms dilated with blood loss and too effaced for a stitch in the end).

If something is wrong they will call you, but if you're still worried, go to ED and get another opinion - trust your instincts. xx

Big hugs Mother Goose. That is a long wait. I'd be going crazy too. I hope they rush those results through.

Havent been on for a few days, so I've just found this. I'm so sorry if I've said something's that's caused you hurt. Xxxx

Oh Ce, you couldn't offend me if you tried! You know that! You're the only reason I went trough with that scan yesterday - I swear I felt you push me from behind!

Just wanted to send some :hug: take care xo

THinking of you MG

Just saw this MG - hope you are ok :hug:

You're in my thoughts x

how were your results MG?

*hugs*

Thanks for asking. Sorry I haven't had a chance to get on here until now.

My scan came back clear. I've only had one episode of spotting today. The plan is to wait and see over the next week and if more bleeding go back to GP. Whilst I'm relieved there is no retained product, it would be nice to know why I am still bleeding.

Hopefully the bleeding will stop soon and I can move onto the next phase of healing.

good news that the scan was clear. I hope the bleeding stops soon, and that you are feeling a little better. Hugs

MG I bled off and on for nearly 2 months. It didn't concern me because it wasn't heavy and there were no signs of infection, and no severe pain. It just felt like my womb was all over the place and doing what it needed to do to sort herself out. I had occasional pain/discomfort/cramping off and on for about three months. It took 3-4 months for my cycles to get sorted out and become regular again. Like you I had an unassisted miscarriage (no D&C), it was at about 11 weeks.

Someone suggested that I gently massage and stroke my abdomen in a clockwise fashion, that this can be helpful for an 'irritable' uterus. I think the soothing, nurturing and comforting actions towards yourself are helpful too. You're such a mixed bag of emotions, I don't know about you but I needed to kind of 'forgive' myself and let go of all this tension I was holding, before I could touch myself in a kind way again.

I also took some Pregnancy Loss Solace herbal tea which helped balance out the hormones and that seemed to help too.

I'm glad your scan was clear, that's reassuring. Perhaps your body is just slowly doing what it needs to do, and moving towards healing? And that healing prepares the way for a new little life to one day make his or her home there, and that is my hope and prayer for you.

My heart is so full as I remember all the tumult of emotions. TTC after loss. Pregnancy after loss. Giving birth after loss - I don't think I ever fully relaxed or quite let go of the anxiety. Yet even this, a thorny and rocky path sometimes, was still amazing and a privilege.

I wrote an article about healing after miscarriage, I'll see if i can find it, I'm sure it would be OK to share here, perhaps in a different thread.

Much love to you and your dh. Go gently.