witnessing distressing things

How do you cope when you see far from gentle parenting techniques? I am very open to the fact that every parent is going to do things differently and that the way dh and I do things could be seen by other parents as weird/distressing or whatever. But how do you cope when you see something that is really distressing to you? For example I have been in a room where the parents have been letting their little baby cry it out :( I honestly don't know how they could stand to see their baby girl 'that' upset? Sure each to their own but I find it very upsetting to me. Do you say something, do you leave, do you just never go back there? This has come up because at ds's swimming lesson today a little 11 month old was crying and crying and crying. Her mum told me that is was her nap time so she was getting tired. The baby was in the water with her dad and her dad kept dunking her under the water which was making her scream even louder. He was doing it really quickly one after the other and I was worried the baby was going to drown! With all the screaming and gasping for breath that the baby was already doing I thought she would swallow water or something. Thankfully the teacher come over and suggested that she hop out of the water. As I said each to their own but I found it really hard to watch. What do you do when you come across this sort of thing? I'm sure I have years ahead of me where I feel uncomfortable and I know it's my problem to deal with so please help me with some coping strategies.

Addition: Oh man, I just thought about what I would/will do when I see a parent hitting/walloping/abusing their child :crying: I find that the most distressing of all. How can you just stand by and witness that without helping the child???

Cherished, I wonder this exact same thing. I have been dumbfounded watching a mother in a class wrap her newborn and put him outside in the winter cold to cry himself to sleep. I was horrified, felt sick :o but have no idea what you can do. I thought a lot about this at the time and I wondered, really what can you do??? I also encountered a 'friend' smack her kid 17 times for touching her own vagina (she wasnt even 2!) 17 times in one go cause the kid kept going back to touch it again. On this occassion I asked the if they thought smacking her was teaching her anything. The reply was pretty dismal 'dunno'. Honestly, this tears me. I have no idea either how to just watch but do not know what to do either :dunno:

I find it really hard too. We went on holidays with some friends who have a little boy that is biologically the same age as DD (he was prem, so technically older) our rooms were across the hall from each other and he was put down to CIO for every single nap and bedtime. I knew that they did it, so i was prepared, but I still found it hard. Another friend from the same group made a FB comment about "not being very nice" to her 4 week old at night time and I was so so so sad on behalf of that poor little baby, and let it ruin my day.

At the same time, sometimes I find it a good affirmation that I'm not doing so badly after all - I beat myself up over little stuff. I try to indirectly give people other information to help them question their own choices. But I can't often say anything to anyone's face; I just raise an eyebrow and feel sad for their baby, and try not to mull over it too much :(

It's so hard isn't it. So far I haven't witnessed anything really bad, so haven't been put in that position... yet.

Instinctively, I think if what they are doing comes from a place of love then you can't really say anything - eg. smacking child for running on the road. But then that sort of rule isn't very practical is it. So do you base it on potential harm to the child :dunno: For example, if I saw someone leaving a baby or small child in a car, I would say something. I think if I saw anyone smacking a child 17 times I would say something (don't know what though Lily Dust, probably exactly what you did), regardless of what it's for. But if it was someone leaving their child to CIO, I don't think I would.

I guess you just have to go with your gut and step in where your gut tells you to.

As a gentle parent how do cope when Drs do things to your child that you have to help do by holding them down like blood tests and canulas. Even nasal Gastric tubes I have had to both comfort and hold down my 16- 22 month old DD2 for all of these procedures over the last few months I alowed them to hurt her

I think it will always be a hard choice to make. On the weekend we pulled up in a motorcycle shop car park and DH went inside and the girls and I waited in the car, all windows down, it was an overcast day but still warm. After sitting there for about 5 minutes I heard a kid crying hysterically, did not take much notice at first then in I saw some movement in the corner of my eye. There was a little boy, maybe 3 strapped into his seat with all the windows up except the opposite side one was down about 2 inches. The doors were locked. I had no troubles walking into the shop looking for the owner of the car. I opened the door to the store and very loudly said. 'Whoever has left their little boy in the car with all the windows up, your boy is very distressed sitting in the car, you had better to out to him now'.

In that situation I have no worries stepping in. I think it will always depend on the situation as to whether you could stay silent or speak up. Things like not knowing how the person is going to react worries me mostly, you just never know with some people.

When it comes to family and friends I just try and give information on other techniques available and hope they take some notice.

Good question Cherished. I was on a bus a few months ago and saw a gorgeous little girl a bit older than DS going down for her nap. She was obviously tired and grizzly (but not CIO or anything) and her mum was quite good with her - patted her and said soothing words and it only took about 3 minutes for her to settle and fall asleep, but I was sitting in the back of the bus with tears streaming down my face. It wasn't even that I disagreed with her parenting, but hearing a child upset and not doing anything about it myself was so hard. I can only imagine how I'd feel seeing a parent 'parent' in a way I strongly disagreed with.

As a teacher, I've seen many a parent treat their school-aged children totally harshly and disrespectfully (imo) and I find that hard to deal with. I try to lead by example, drop as many hints as I can about how 'we' would deal with it at school. And feel sick to my stomach that if that's how they're happy to treat their child in front of me, then what is happening behind closed doors?

I just had to post to say that perhaps you don't know what is going on with that family. You are assuming that they are using parenting techniques that you don't agree with. But really you don't know what is going on.

For instance you could have seen me in the chemist regularly with my DS2 - him sitting in the baby capsule screaming his head off while I waited for my prescriptions. At first glance, it would look like I wasn't comforting my child. But if you knew me you'd know that he would cry and cry for hours as he has a cows milk allergy that wasn't yet diagnosed/properly treated. Whether I held him or not, he would cry, day and night. It was just going to be a quicker trip out if I didn't get him in and out of the capsule, and it would make no difference to the crying. Plus to be honest, sometimes, I just needed a break from the noise right next to my ear.

Or maybe that Mum knows that her baby will settle the quickest if left alone. Or maybe she has a disability or medical condition which means she can't hold the baby all the time.

Please don't be so quick to judge. Rather, unless it is an extreme and obvious case, I would just assume that the other mother is doing her best in the situation and what works for her family.

Bloom this thread was posted in the Gentle Parenting section. It's not appropriate for you to post in here suggesting that we are being quick to judge. The examples that have been given in this thread are worthy of judgement from a gentle parenting point of view, if you find that offensive then perhaps you'd better stick to other areas of BB.

But I suppose as a gentle parent, we need to be mindfull of all others.

Yes it is terrible to watch, but you never know the whole situation.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, not wanting to upset you further.

Yeah lilima I would say the same thing to you as I did to Bloom. This is the Gentle Parenting section of the forum, where else are we supposed to talk about this sort of thing? Perhaps it needs to be a PSG!?

I had an 'incident' where my mum pulled me home from down the street - bout 100m - by the hair, out in the middle of public viewing, all because I'd taken my brother for a walk cause she wasn't home (off doing whatever the hell she did at the time)
I often wonder what other people thought of that situation I was in when I was younger and vowed never EVER to do that to my children. Or just treat them the way she did to us. Period.

Staying over with friends who are doing CIO is pretty obvious what is going on... that would distress me! I deliberately don't spend time with certain people at certain time of the day so as to not be exposed to that.

We had one mum in my mother's group who was big on CIO and she let her son scream it out in his pram once. She stood rocking the pram back and forth but he was facing the wall away from her and clearly was being given no comfort at all. It was awful :( I just have to remind myself that these children are well cared most of the day, are growing up generally well adjusted, that this happens to many, many children and the damage it is doing to their emotional development and relationships will be a price they will have to pay later. I can't become emotionally invested in their lives to that deep a level, so I have to let it go.

If I saw a child being outright abused I would hope I would say something. Abuse towards children is often treated as 'parenting' and ignored and that is pretty distressing. That should never have happened to you darkdreamer :hug:

I agree with you cherished if you cannot handle others giving an opinion or another view it should be PSG, everyone is entitled to say what they believe just like you

We should all be mindful of rushing to judgement - kindness and understanding goes a long way in reaching people.
It works both ways though - we don't need to rush to the defensive and take offence either.


On the topic at hand - I can understand it may be confusing to children witnessing very different parenting styles. I'm not really sure how I would respond to the examples given here. I really don't think I could stand by while a baby cried alone in distress, for instance. But of course I couldn't do anything without the parents' permission.
I have also questioned a friend's smacking of her toddler - Does it work? Nup. Ahhh..... I guess beyond that modelling a different way might be helpful? I think also expressing empathy can be helpful. I know I've felt better when dealing with a difficult child when someone relates to that feeling and frustration and lets me know that I'm not alone. If they then go on to share their own experience/suggestions I'm probably a bit more open to those ideas.

I have asked a friend if I could help at all with a bub that was being left to scream-it-out. I said it was tearing my heart out hearing it. She ended up teary also cos it was upsetting her too but she didn't know what to do. The poor child was beyond comforting tho, and definitely needed mummy cuddles. Was very sad. ETA: as above.. we ended up chatting and commiserating over everyone having 'those days'. There was no judgement. Just a mum to mum chat and a couple of suggestions of what I've done before when they just won't sleep.

As for the 'keyhole judging'.. I had to drag my defiant screaming 4 yr old to the car today. I was not going to stand and negotiate with the stubborn miss in the middle of the shops with the way she was screaming at me. People can think what they want on that one :)

MummaBee I apologise if I've read your sarcasm incorrectly but I didn't mean there should be a PSG for my sake, I said it should be so that others who don't agree with the gentle parenting perspective of the behaviours mentioned don't get offended when a thread like this is started in the gentle parenting section on the forum. But seriously where does it end? We would need a private support group everything! An example is one for breast feeders so that when we post about how amazing it is for mother and baby we don't offend formula feeding mothers. I mean seriously! This is the Gentle Parenting section of BB and anyone who is offended by us saying we think these things are not very nice has a problem! I will happily state that these things make me feel sick! Seeing a child gasping for air and screaming while being dunked in water or a screaming child who's been left in a hot car or a baby being put in the cold winter to cry itself to sleep or a toddler being smacked 17 times for touching her vagina or even a child being dragged by their hair are very serious matters and those doing the right thing by standing up and saying it's not ok shouldn't be the ones worried about offending someone!

No one is claiming to be offended, nor are they claiming that it is ok. Just saying that things aren't always as they appear.

Hugs. Being a parent is hard. xxx

Cherished, I wasn't at all offended by your post and I hope that you can take my post in the way it was meant: an encouragement to look beyond the obvious and think the best of people, wherever you can, as a way of dealing with viewing parenting techniques which you disagree with.

Obviously some of the other examples you have mentioned are pretty extreme and I certainly wouldn't think that they are Ok!. I think if it were a close friend I would gently start a conversation with them, about how they are finding their parenting techniques to work. If it were a stranger and a child wasn't in immediate danger, then I wouldn't say anything unless I could offer some practical help to them. Like, do you want to hold you baby while you do xyz, until you can comfort her yourself etc.

It's so hard not to feel for the child when you see distressing things happen. We went to my friends house for dinner and her daughter wee'd herself and she smacked her about 3 or 4 times and I was about to say something and DH actually beat me to it and told her to chill out. He said kids get excited and they have accidents it's no big deal. It wasn't the first time in the night she had been smacked. My dd who's 2 sat there with her mouth open in disbelief not understanding why this little girl was being hit by her mum.... It's hard not to say something sometimes.....

I guess in terms of strangers, it depends on how much danger I thought the child was in and how much good I thought saying something would make. With something like CIO, I doubt I could 'persuade' a stranger I met out and about that CIO might not be best. In the comfort of a friend's home, yes, sure but would depend on the friendship.

If I saw a friend smacking a child for touching herself or wetting herself, I just don't think I'd be friends any more. But for any of my friends to do that, I'd think it was so out of character that there must be something else going on (ie. they must be under a lot of stress) so I'd probably ask them some questions about work, relationship etc. etc.

It's really hard; and I'm still trying to find some gentle parent friends IRL.

Mostly, if it's smacking or something, I excuse myself and go home. Smacking is still pretty common in my circles, and I really struggle to keep my mouth shut and let it go. I tend to not develop friendships with parents who don't see anything wrong with smacking - which means I don't make many friends... :lol: This is a big one for me.

With CIO/Controlled crying; this is also a hard one as it's common to have dinner events/social night events at people's houses in my circle, so you're regularly exposed to it. I try to encourage the mum or dad to go tend to their baby and that I can wait (or even go if they need time alone with their bub); but I do find it hard that it's 'expected' that I'll leave my baby to cry in their room (a strange place to my baby!) whilst we do 'adult' stuff in the lounge. I just can't do it - so if Rhino doesn't settle, he just stays cuddled up to me feeding; or we go home. To be honest, I don't generally go to these social events any more, because of how badly affected I've been by this.