OK Universe, it's not funny anymore.....

Like others I need to vent and where else can I do it other than here, no-one else knows what to say, and when they do it's probaby the wrong thing.

So, I'm 38 years old, I had a gorgeous little girl in November 2009 at 36, fell pregnant within 3 months, no problems! April last year we decide to get a wriggle on and get her a sibling. Expecting yet again to fall quickly. Oh no.......was I mistaken! Well actually, not quite true, June I got a BFP, was pretty chuffed with myself, not bad for an old duck.......the day after I got my BFP I miscarried. OK, pretty bummed but we'll wait a month as per the doctors orders. August I get another BFP and again within days I miscarry. So off to the fertility specialist I go. All along I suspected a progesterone issue as my cycles were getting shorter and shorter from a normal 28 day down to 21/22 day cycle. I had to wait until early November to get an appointment but sure enough after a zillion blood tests it's discovered I have a luteal phase defect caused by pretty much no progesterone in the 2nd half of my cycle. To add to it all my egg count is extremely low, awesome! The FS goes off on holidays and tells me he can't see me again until the end of January 2012 but the nurses will track me. The first month was a disaster, I was put on the progesterone too late so yet again another month of failure. Onto cycle 2, Christmas Eve I have some spotting, call the clinic they told me to come in on Monday but I'll probably need more progesterone next time, have a blood test on Boxing Day, they call me to say guess what, you have HCG in your system....but, big but, it's very low, either it's too early or it's not looking good. They doubled my progesterone and within the week my numbers had risen really nicely. Over the next few scary weeks things were looking better and better, numbers rising nicely, a few drops in progesterone but it went back up again. Cue in 7 week scan, booked in for Monday, had just had bloods done a few days earlier to be told my numbers were awesome and I wouldn't need to come back for any more providing my scan was all clear. Easy I thought, I'm safe..........oh how wrong I was.

Turn up to scan, went on my own while hubby watched our 2 year old at home. Get in there all excited, lie down, the woman inserts the probe and immediately she says and all in one tone well there's a baby there and a heartbeat, but it's measuring a week behind in dates and the heart rate is very low. I suspect within the week it will peder off and die so I wouldn't go shouting it from the rooftops just yet. OMG what did you just say!!!!! And that was it, I was offered a tissue to "clean up" , the she asked if I'd like a picture of my baby and off you go to the front desk....I'll bulk bill you today - geez thanks.

I walked out in a daze, was that a joke, am I dreaming, nope it's true, sadly, very true.

Today it's Wednesday, I now have to wait until Friday to see the OB, she is going to run another scan but it's more to see if bub has died yet so we can schedule a D&C. I'm not sure how to process this, 3 losses in 10 months is really not funny and I'm kind of over it now. Everyone around me is falling pregnant left right and centre, I know there's lessons in everything but what this is meant to teach me other than bitterness I do not know.

Thanks for letting me vent, I don't expect any replies, I just needed to get my feelings off my chest because if I hear one more person tell me it's probably for the better if it wasn't right, or you can try again, I might just scream!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR:boohoo:

How insensitive are some people! You poor thing to be treated that way. You must be so upset and stressed. I hope that although things look not the best right now that when you see your OB she has some reassuring and good news for you. Don't give up hope, take care - love and hugs to you.

*big hugs* I'm keeping my fingers firmly crossed for you!

Alison: :hug: for you, it is an awful thing to go through, I have been there twice & I know how hard it is, I will be thinking of you & hoping Friday brings you good news :hug:

Thanks Girls, I hate being so negative but I don't even feel pregnant anymore, my nausea has gone, sore bb's have gone, so I'm expecting nothing but bad news Friday, just wish it would hurry up so I can move on with my life. Aussiegirl how on earth do you handle having a miscarriage further down the track, this one has hit me pretty hard as it is!

Huge hugs huni. Im so sorry for your loss. x


Sent From My iPhone x

Oh hunni,
I didn't realise how horrible that scan was for you. i'm so sorry that lady was so insensitive. Definitely not what you need in that moment!!
I'm still really hoping and praying for you that this little bub pulls through for you. I know how hard it is but i'm so sorry i still don't have anything to say that could possibly make you feel better.
I think the waiting is the hardest part. With my blighted ovum I had to wait three weeks (took me to 12weeks) after finding out to miscarry. It's so torturous. I hope Friday will be the last day for you if it is all over so that you can move on soon.

I'm so sorry again that this is such a rough time for you. xx

What a horrible woman and to tell you so matter of factly. Poo to her and fingers crossed hunny that the scan on Friday shows a nice little bubba

Thanks Kir xx.....she was pretty horrible - I told the OB so she is going to put in a complaint as she said that's no way to talk to someone in that situation. They obviously become complacent, it was probably the 10th time she'd done it that day and figures it's no big deal, who knows. How you coped with waiting 3 weeks I do not know, it's creeping me out now! I will be having a D&C this time because this is my 3rd m/c technically so they will probably run tests to see if it's a chromosomal thing, even though my last 2 were likely chemical pregnancies due to the low progesterone. I think it's more an age thing. Great to think not only do I have to now worry about it being chromosomal. I'd love to hang onto the hope that bub is still kicking on, but the odds are against me and call it intuition but I don't feel pregnant anymore, nausea has gone - it was on and off before but it's gone altogether and I swear my stomach feels/looks less bloated. Anyway, I'll keep you posted but I hope your scan next week is a goodie, time for some good news!

Oh sweetie I am sorry you were treated that way. Crossing everything for a nice surprise Friday x

I'm glad your ob is putting in a complaint. Whether it was her 1st or 10th for the day....it is a job that you need to understand that each person needs to be treated as the only one. Like anything in medicine really.

I think the 3weeks was what i needed in the end to come to terms with it so in hindsight im ok with it. Was hard waiting though - i did have a d & c booked for the following monday and it started on that weekend. So i was at the end of my rope for waiting. plus ppl were asking if i was preggers. that was the worst.

I think they can still send things away for testing prolly via gp or early pregnancy service...because i will probably do that if it happens again too...but i just can't do the d & c thing. i think you are brave for considering it! It really creeps me out lol.

Thanks. I'm hoping for some good news soon too...for me and you!

Alison - Sending many :hug: your way. My FS was a bit matter of fact as well but I think because I already knew and I told him I already knew that it wasn't so harsh for me to hear it out loud. I thiknk you are right when you say they become complacent. They must see so many things like this that they just get used to it. Doesn't make it ny easier for you the patient who this is all happening to though.

I couldn't have waited to MC naturally. I'm one to get things over and done with as quickly as possible. I wouldn't have been able to stand waiting to MC. It would just be killing me and keeping me on edge waiting for it to start and not wanting to go any where for fear of it happeneing in public or work or something. So I chose D&C's after both my diagnosis's.

Thanks Porsche, you and are I are very similar, even now I'm sitting here wishing I could get it over with now, I hate waiting for the inevitable to happen. Plus having a miscarriage is not nice to experience, I'm sure a D&C isn't nice either but to me it's the lesser of 2 evils. My OB is also the FS so I'm lucky in that retrospect, she's so lovely. Can I ask did you still have any sensations before having the miscarriage? I'm still having pressure and the little twinges like things are stretching, not sure if it's miscarriage coming or not. I'm absolutely paranoid to have a natural miscarriage before I see her on Friday, I'm still on the progesterone so hoping that keeps it at bay but have no idea, this is only my 2nd cycle on the progesterone.

I hope you can find the strength to move on as well and wishing us both lots of sticky vibes for the near future, we deserve it after all. xx

Alison with my m/c at just under 8 weeks I had lots of stretching pains still but I lost my preg signs and my DH said I had lost the tired look? Itms. I miscarried naturally after spotting old blood for 2 days I then got cramps and it started. I ended up in hospital and they did try to send away for testing but I got no results so be prepared for that as it's common I was told.

oh honey :hug: I am so sorry. :( Nature is cruel but sonographers should not be.

If you want to scream, I think that's perfectly reasonable. More :hug: for you. :( My deepest sympathies.

I cant belive that the sonographer had such little tact :shakehead:

Medical professionals can be so insensitive sometimes :hug:

I am crossing my fingers for friday for you, I hope everything is ok, and if its not you have all the support and love around you that you will need.

Oh Alison, I got tears in my eyes at the way the sonographer treated you! I, too, had a pretty horrid sonographer who told me I had miscarried... so I feel your pain. It is such an awful grief that hits you, they need to treat you with a bit more respect.

I really hope a miracle is coming your way. We could all do with one :grouphug:

I have never had a miscarriage so I can't pretend I know how you feel, but I do know what it's like to be older and feel time slipping away to have a child. It just sucks.

I'm glad you complained about the sonographer. I think sometimes medical staff become a little (or a lot) desensitised. Getting a reminder that you are a human being, not just a patient is a good thing.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Take care x

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That woman deserves to be shot - that is just so insensitive and inappropriate. Maybe we go to the same fertility clinic though cos the woman who did my 7 week scan couldn't have been more robotic if she'd tried.

I really hope things work out for you and its not as you fear. Fingers crossed.

Please try not to let the age thing get you down too much. Us old girls can get there - we just need a little more help and the right combinations. I had four losses last year before I got started on the progesterone and pregnyl and now have a sticky bub.

Big hugs to you while you sit out a difficult week.

Oh hun I am hoping that it is good news for you on Friday xoxoxo

Wow what a cow - seriously some people should reconsider where they work....Honestly how would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot... sorry makes my blood boil to hear how you were treated....

My m/c was a natural one and I had spotting for about 4 days of all different shades of red (sorry if that too much!) ... and then on the fourth day it got worse like stretching, period pain and very heavy.....

Hope the next few days pass quickly for you xoxo Sending you lots of love and strength

Wow what an amazing bunch of girls you are, thank you for all your supports. Lulu we probably do go to the same clinic, the ultrasound place isn't actually at the clinic but near by, same as you? Robotic is exactly the word for her, exactly! She didn't even break tone when she said it, I was in and out in 5 minutes literally. I'm glad you have a sticky bubba on board, perhaps I'll go for 4th time lucky, the FS is going to through everything at me next try - not just progesterone but estrogen and something else. They did tell me it's trial and error but still, I'd rather error without miscarriage and just error with no baby thanks!

Hi Chepie and thank you, I'm not entirely sure I'd get bleeding while on the progesterone, I'm hoping it keeps it at bay until I can see the FS, I'm petrified of miscarrying naturally this far down the track, was bad enough at 4 weeks. I remember either talking to you or maybe one of my forum friends mentioned something on one of the other threads after you lost Hugh, how are you doing now? And I see you had another loss on Boxing Day poor girl, that was the day I found out I was pregnant, purely by accident as they'd done my bloods to check my levels after I'd had some early spotting again and wanted to see what i would need for the next month. Anyway I hope you get your BFP soon too xx Seems a lot of us could do with a bloomin big break already!

I'm so sorry you are going through this Alison. I too have been exposed to a sonographer's complete lack of tact when my baby had died. There's no excuse and it makes a difficult time so much harder to bear. I hope all is not as you suspect and there is a take home bub in your future :hug:

I'm so sorry for your losses and the treatment that you endured by that nasty u/s technician. Please don't lose hope though, thats what they are an u/s technician certainly not your FS/OB. Best of luck

Alison.
How dreadful! It never ceases to amaze me how insensitve some people can be. She may have dealt with 10 or 20 similar cases that day, it shouldn't matter. This is your baby.
My heart goes out to you.

Hugs,
Deb

Just wanted to send some :hug: and agree that was very insensative comment and horrible it should not have been said!! Take Care

Hugs sweetie, grieve as you need to, a loss is a loss no matter what gestation..... and vent any time. Glad you complained about the sonographer - that behaviour is unacceptable. Ask to get a different one next time too, or go somewhere else if you have the option.

Keep strong and keep believing, it will happen.

Go gently as you grieve your little angels, and praying for you for this time and your appointment tomorrow.

Uhm, just wondering whether you've thought about expectant management, if this little bubba doesn't stay? I was all ready for a D&C with my first m/c at 8 weeks, but the obs encouraged me ( also an old chook) to not have a D&C ( obviously it was appropriate medically in my circumstances). I am really glad that I ended up being encouraged to have that opportunity to say goodbye. Yes it was hard, but not quite as clinical as a D&C. Anyway, just thought I'd mention it.

Alison - I must have not been reading properly, so sorry if my earlier post upset you... but why are you petrified of miscarrying naturually?

And about your question about how you cope? You just do, because it's what you've been confronted with. You would never in your wildest dreams/nightmares, think you could ever get through, but in my experience, you do manage to cope with the heartache and all the physical things you have to endure. You will probably be a different person, and your coping may be different to what you expect, but you find a way through. And really why shouldn't you be different? Your world has changed. You will get through. I believe in you.

Hi Dory - you didn't upset me at all not to worry.

Had my follow up scan yesterday and unfortunately bub has shown no improvement so I've come off the progesterone and decided to let nature take it's course after all and miscarry naturally. I've done it twice before, I'm sure I can do it again. Maybe 4th time lucky next time hey. Thanks for kind words everyone, it's nice to know I'm not alone but I wish none of us had to go through this ever. xx

People just don't get it and I guess it's nice that they don't..... Cause if you get it it means you've felt it. And we wouldn't wish that on anyone. So I guess I'm saying come in here and vent. You will never be told to get over it, move on or it was for the best.

Bugger off it was. It hurts and they were your babies :(

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain of and empty womb, arms and heart :(

So so sorry Alison :(

:hug: :hug:

I'm so sorry. Take good care of yourself.

Oh I am so sorry x

Alison, I've only just seen your thread. Hun, I'm so sorry it's not better news.
I can't believe how you were treated earlier this week ... it was unprofessional and, frankly, appalling. You deserved better and I'm glad your Ob is putting in a complaint.
Please take care of yourself - I'll be thinking of you, xxx

Im so sorry for your loss and the treatment you endured. It is a truly awful thing to experience.

Hugs to you.

Alison - Take care. You are very brave. xx

Thinking of you. :hugs: