Advice on having a second baby...

Hi all,

Well here is the situation...

DH is leaving his six figure salary job and going back to University. This is something we decided as a Family and he is going to work Casually and do full time Uni and I am going to continue to work part time. As I mentioned I fully support him in his decision...NOW here is the clanger....I have been feeling cluckey lately and I have been thinking more and more about having our second and possibly final baby (haven't decided on 2 or 3)

I haven't really expressed this to my husband and I am not sure why I haven't but I guess I want to be 100% sure of my decision before telling him...

So I guess what I am looking for on here is some "motherly" advice. Should I follow my head or my heart?

Am I crazy wanting a second, knowing how expensive they are, time consuming and also how stressful having a new baby can be?
I will most likely have to sacrifice having my 6 months of Maternity Leave and just have the 3 months that I am entitled to...is this cheating the new baby of my total undivided attention just like I gave DS.

Is it more important to have my babies together, sacrificing on the luxuries and hoping we can get by ok or should I wait until my Husband has finished University in 4 years and then have a baby feeling a bit sad that DS hasn't had the playmate I envisioned for him?

Has anyone been in this situation before?

What will dh be studying? My dp started a teaching degree while I was pg with dd, and he was home 50% of the time, which I loved. You may be able to juggle the childcare between you?
Also, the degree is only 4 years. How much will that set you back financially?
For me, I think I would regret not having my little ones grow up together, you make the rest work.
But that's just me. I had both mine while dp was studying.
GL

Poor people have babies just as frequently as rich people. Their babies are usually just as well loved and happy as the babies of people on higher incomes.
TBH babies are cheap - it's children that are expensive. I never met a baby who wanted a pony or needed to upgrade their skis.
Regardless of how long your maternity leave is your second baby will never get the same kind of undivided attention as your first baby it's impossible to give a baby undivided attention with a toddler or older child about.

I would just follow your heart and then figure out how you'll make it work.

Children are as expensive as you make them.

We live very comfortabley on an average salary, yes i work one day a week and we get a couple hundred from centrelink but we spend very wisely and DD always gets what she needs we just don't go overboard.

We went second hand on alot of things for her before she was born, we were also very lucky we have great family and friends who bought/gave us a heap of things. Also ebay is good for clothes.

If this baby is a girl i wont have to buy a single thing except a mattress a few little things that will need replacing from DD. And if its a boy i will rely on hand-me-downs and ebay mostly for clothing blankets and such.

Children generally get more expensive when they start school as there are so many things that need paying for but as you say your DH will be finished Uni in 4 years and will hopefully fall into another job and you may have picked up more work so that will work out.

It would be such a shame to put off what you could do now, while sacrificing a few things. Or so thats what i think anyways.

Good luck with whatever you decide :)

well...If you want to have second baby so much, listen to your heart and tell your DH what you think. Don't make up yourself. And I agree that poor baby has happy life as rich baby. Or, I apologize my rude words first, if you are young and have enough time to wait, have the second one after your DH graduated. Don't be stressed, hunny. Share your thoughts with your hubby.

We have a gap of almost six years and while they won't be playmates, there's a beautiful loving relationship of a different kind already. TBH I'm close in age to my sisters and spent most of my childhood across the road with one of my neighbors. (we're still friends 25 yrs later)

I'm still close to my sisters, but nothing to do with playing with them! Just another perspective.

I'd talk to your DH about it and come to a joint decision.

Lara: DH will be studying Engineering :) something he has REALLY wanted to do for years but has been procrastinating on it. Its quite a full on degree and because we have a mortgage he will be working as much as he can in between to have enough money. We are going to do HECS so no upfront fees. But I guess your right, if we all waited for the "perfect time" no one would be having babies ;)

Ony - You made me giggle. Yeah I would be a bit worried if the first sentence was buy me a pony! :lol:
And yes I see you point, you can't ignore one baby and give the other 100% of your time simply because the first one had your undivided attention.

I think your both right, following my heart seems to be the safest bit, I don't want to have regrets.

I agree with the others. Children are as expensive as you make them :)

To be honest, DD doesn't cost anything really. Yes, she's on formula, but she's in cloth nappies and eats what we eat.

I only get $100 from c'link every fortnight and we cope quite well on DH's wage.

My thoughts, FWIW is why not wait a year or two to see how everything pans out with Uni and you both working part time? The desire for another child is very strong and it's a significant and valid part of our lives (his and yours). So while you might not want to wait the full 4 yours till his Uni course is over, because that will be quite an age gap, perhaps a couple of years while you adjust to a new routine and a new income level might be wise, to give yourselves a chance to evaluate before bringing a new factor (baby) into the mix.

My story - we limited our family to three because we were overseas volunteer workers, you know, trying to be sensible and practical - and three's a big family when you are so peripatetic. But we were sooooo clucky and we ended up sneaking in a #4, born 8 years after our #3, when I was 43. (We started trying when I was 40 ... but it took a tad longer than we planned ...) By that time we were living in Australia and not travelling quite as much.

And you are younger than that - you've got a little bit more time to play with. :D

But definitely start discussing it together - so that you're on the same page about what your 5 year plan is going to look like.

I'd talk to your DH and get his thoughts and make sure you are on the same page. Perhaps he committed to uni and working where he can b/c he isn't thinking about another child in the mix? Of course, I have no insider perspective but given the shift in your income and lives to come soon, best to discuss it with your DH. GL

Thanks everyone for your help and for sharing your stories :)

DH and I both know that we want another, I guess its just a matter of when. I was thinking of TTC in NOV / DEC this year so maybe that will give us enough time to work out finances, how taxing UNI is, worklife / home life balance etc...I think being sensible about it is important but I also think that we have to be ready mentally - I have been told the jump from 1 to 2 is quite a handful at times ;)

I think waiting till the end of the year is a good move, at least see how you cope with the new arrangements.

Fwiw, I think you sound extremely sensible, covering all bases before you rush in.

By the sounds, I think you'd be able to deal with whatever comes your way.

Follow your heart I say... You've got the rest covered. :)


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when dh and i were thinking about having baby number 1 we were talking to a wise friend about our thoughts that we would wait a bit as the time wasnt right, she told us ''its never going to be the perfect time to have a baby' . i always remembered that, there is always something else going on. and to be honest, once you have all the stuff for baby number 1 the second hasnt been that expensive for us, really dd2 hasnt cost us much yet. no extra clothes have been bought (although is she had been a boy i guess dresses wouldnt have been an option), no extra equipment/nursery stuff. she is in nappies, but dd1 wasnt in nappies when she was born. shes BF. and now on solids she eats off my plate. actually thinking about it i cant think of ANYTHING ive bought for her....i dont think ive even bought any new toys. feeling a bit bad now :) i say follow your heart!

Thanks so much everyone, I know that I can count on good advice on here and I really appreciate it :)

I really don't like talking about these things with relatives as they sometimes fail to see rational side of things and only thing about what they want i.e more grandkids! LOL

Blondie, if your DH agrees - just do it. Far, far worse to be broody for years and years and years while he finishes his degree when you could have had two babies in that time.

But just my PoV, coloured by the fact I'm still waiting for DH to agree to TTC #2, let alone #3 (stupid finances, they are NOT a problem!).

DO IT! I have just had my second son (he was a surprise though!) and I am happy it just happened as my boys are only 2 years apart, I will be going back to work in 4 weeks when my second is only 12 weeks old and my DF will be starting full time uni at the end of feb and we manage ok. It can be tiring but life with children is anyway! I don't feel guilty about having less time at home because I am going to work to LOOK AFTER my children financially, food, shelter, clothing etc love doesn't pay the bills! so our situation seems a lot like yours you just haven't had the 2nd little on yet.....

Don't forget to think about timing in terms of those looooong uni breaks. You might want to try for a due date in Dec so you have him home for 2 full months before he goes back. Although you wouldn't want it to come early and end up in exam time!

The flying butter: I agree...I am a typical Gen Y and when I want something I don't like to wait but its nice to be on the same page with Hub :) Best of luck to you. Your DH might be the kind that can't help but focus too much on the negative until he sees his little Son/ Daughter and then its love at first sight :)

me+him+bub: Wow we do sound similar! HAHA! So true....bubs and hubs keep us on our toes! ;)

Update:

Hubby and I talked last night in bed (as you do!) and we both decided to see how it goes and wait until Nov / Dec this year to take check on how hub is going at Uni, how finances are settling and how we are going as a family. We both agreed that Family comes first, we want to bring a baby into a loving, caring environment. If we feel its the right time then awesome, if not, then we will wait a bit longer. It might be busy and stressful at times, but as me+him+bub mentioned life with children is tiring regardless of other commitments ;)

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Don't forget to think about timing in terms of those looooong uni breaks. You might want to try for a due date in Dec so you have him home for 2 full months before he goes back. Although you wouldn't want it to come early and end up in exam time!

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HAHA! So true! And funny you should mention that, my mum said the same thing! :lol:

DH and I are having the same discussion we aren't sure when to try for number 2. We are thinking when DD is around 2 years old, but that now seems Sooooo far away LOL. I also want to have all my bubs before I'm 35 so that gives us 5 years. So hard to decide on timing!

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DH and I are having the same discussion we aren't sure when to try for number 2. We are thinking when DD is around 2 years old, but that now seems Sooooo far away LOL. I also want to have all my bubs before I'm 35 so that gives us 5 years. So hard to decide on timing!

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Ahh you know I was the same when Aidan was 5 months I thought "yep, I'm ready to do this again" and then as time went by and he got more demanding I changed my mind :lol:

2 years does seem like ages when you first is still a little bubba...but believe me time flies! I look at Aidan now and think my goodness your a little boy now! I feel like I could have another now so I'm hoping that I can wait until we decide together. The wait seems hard now, but it just means its more exciting when it happens!

Hi Ladies I have an update:

DH came into the kitchen yesterday and said "The more I think about it the more I think once I have settled into University we should start trying again - you know to give Aidan a sibling" I have to say, hearing those words were pretty exciting. However it did cross my mind that he was only saying this because our DS is very very possessive of both of us (definitely has "only child" syndrome) and I think DH is paranoid that if we don't give him another sibling then he will be spoilt rotten.

Which is not really why I wanted to have another, but should I just accept that this is his way of saying he wants to have another baby? I guess it is a valid reason for having a second in some opinions.

A lady at my work bought up a good point, she said, its better to have them now than TTC when he is starting out in the workforce and trying to get a job, by the time he is finished we will have a 5 year old and a 3 year old....will be a hell of a lot less stressful than having a new bub in the house.

Also, now that DH has said he wants to TTC I just want to have my merina taken out and go for gold! :lol: Must not jump the gun on this one me thinks :rolleyes:

Opinions?

I say go for it but then I am keen as to have MANY babies!!! lol

I would wait until your son is ready - for a few years I knew it wasn't right for DS for us to have another child as he just wasn't ready to share. However, he has been ready to share and asking when we can have a baby for over a year now - so even though I've been wanting to TTC since he was 6 days old, it has really been for the last year it has been hard to not TTC. (And I'm wanting the baby for me, not for DS, but him nagging for a baby when I'm broody doesn't help.)

FWIW, it isn't "only child syndrome" to want your parents all to yourself as a very young child, it's normal. And something that should be treated with love. They will grow out of it and not need you constantly soon enough - why push them to not want you in their lives? My little sister was ridiculed for needing parental love and attention while a pre-schooler and often not given the attention, or given it grudgingly. She still struggles with wanting parental attention in the way a little toddler would. And she was never an only child!

Don't ever say you're having a baby as a gift for a toddler either ("give Aiden a sibling"). He really won't appreciate the gift of less time and attention when he needs it. If you're having a baby, be honest - it's because YOU want to have a baby. Having a baby because a child "wants" one... that's why you get a slide in the back garden, not why you have a baby. I know you want to have another child too, but don't put the onus onto your son. What if he decides he doesn't want a sibling later down the line?

And having said all of that - if my DH was OK with having a second child even when Liebling didn't want one - stuff Liebling, this is MY life and I'm having a baby now! So whichever way you decide, it's your decision and that's OK.

Thanks for your advice The Flying Butter :) to be honest what you have said is really hitting me hard...I have a lot to think about. Please don't think I'm rude I really appreciate your advice I just have to think about the real reasons for wanting a second and then perhaps I can figure it out ;)

S'OK, Blondie - better to figure it out now! And remember I'm projecting a lot of my own feelings about siblings, words and wanting baby #2 as well as trying to think about it from your PoV, so don't let me make your mind up for you.

Oooh, very exciting Blondie! I hope everything settles nicely and you are able to start TTC soon. We're gonna start trying in the next few months too. Perhaps we will be BB and that them this time?

It can be very exciting to be at the point of starting to try for another baby and like I said in our babybuddies thread emotions are such a big factor. Can I ask, did you think of TTC before you ever thought that it would be good for Aidan? Does that make sense?

Oh and Chody, how exciting that your getting ready to try again. Will be quietly stalking you again soon I think:)

Thanks Chody :) yeah it would be exciting to be BB! Best of luck to you! I will be keeping en eye out for the annoucement :cheer:

Kazzo - well I have been feeling clucky for a while - even before Aidan started going through the naughty phase but to be honest I was ignoring the signals that I was giving myself :lol: silly I know, but I would just put it down to hormones, or the fact that I was at work and missed Aidan. I think I was scared to feel clucky as I was scared of birth. My birth was quite traumatic for me and this time around I will be choosing to have a c-section and I guess I was just scared of the unknown and scared of the re-cuperation of c-section etc...and I guess that was clouding my vision. I have now come to the conclusion that I am not scared of a c-section and I want to have another baby because I want to complete my family, not because Aidan "needs" a sibling and not because relo's are telling me to have them close. I want to do it for me :D

I talked to Hubby last night and I made him explain to me the reason's why he wanted another, because I basically told him that having another child isn't going to "fix Aidan's tanty's" etc etc so anyway he had a think about it and then came back to me and said that he wants Aidan to have a sibling so that they can grow up together, look out for each other and to have a playmate to share experiences and life with :) made me happy to hear from him, after he had time to reflect on it.

The Flying Butter bought some things to my attention and to be honest I felt completely and utterly selfish :( I never intended to use Aidan as an excuse to have another, I guess in my own mind I was going over the consequences of my actions i.e. Money, Family life, how it would effect Aidan, whether he would like a sibling etc....when what I really should have been doing is listening to my internal voice.

I think you have made up your mind and put good thought into it. You don't need to worry about feeling like you are using Aidans behaviour to want another baby, may have just been thinking of it as another reason to start trying and now you know that it is not the real reason, just a thought that you had and TBH I have a friend that is hoping their baby due in June helps quieten down their DS so your not the first to think it and wont be the last but you know it is not the reason you want to start TTC :) now you just need to make an appointment and then you can get started;)

Good to hear you've made up your mind Blondie - I'll keep my eye out for your announcement!!! Mine wont be too soon yet, we are currrently planning on starting to TTC in May. We've already got one a month after Christmas, we don't need one a month before too (although, if we get UTD first cycle #2 will be due 3 weeks after DD's 2nd birthday....)

Blondie, I was going to say to maybe go and chat with the girls in the preTTC thread. Maybe they might be able to help you talk through things too.

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Thanks Chody :) yeah it would be exciting to be BB! Best of luck to you! I will be keeping en eye out for the annoucement :cheer:

Kazzo - well I have been feeling clucky for a while - even before Aidan started going through the naughty phase but to be honest I was ignoring the signals that I was giving myself :lol: silly I know, but I would just put it down to hormones, or the fact that I was at work and missed Aidan. I think I was scared to feel clucky as I was scared of birth. My birth was quite traumatic for me and this time around I will be choosing to have a c-section and I guess I was just scared of the unknown and scared of the re-cuperation of c-section etc...and I guess that was clouding my vision. I have now come to the conclusion that I am not scared of a c-section and I want to have another baby because I want to complete my family, not because Aidan "needs" a sibling and not because relo's are telling me to have them close. I want to do it for me :D

I talked to Hubby last night and I made him explain to me the reason's why he wanted another, because I basically told him that having another child isn't going to "fix Aidan's tanty's" etc etc so anyway he had a think about it and then came back to me and said that he wants Aidan to have a sibling so that they can grow up together, look out for each other and to have a playmate to share experiences and life with :) made me happy to hear from him, after he had time to reflect on it.

The Flying Butter bought some things to my attention and to be honest I felt completely and utterly selfish :( I never intended to use Aidan as an excuse to have another, I guess in my own mind I was going over the consequences of my actions i.e. Money, Family life, how it would effect Aidan, whether he would like a sibling etc....when what I really should have been doing is listening to my internal voice.

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That sounds awesome :) So glad you got it sorted with hubby and yourself. I think its really important to want it yourself as your child wont thank you like Flying Butter said, least not at first haha!

I wish you all the best with your TTC journey. Hubby and I talked and decided to start trying once bubs is 6 months old. Just because Lilly took a short time to concieve dosent mean it will next time, and it means she will be around 2 years old when the new baby comes we both want a few kids we just werent sure how close to have them together. We both decided we wanted 3, and that we both would not be able to cope with the sleep deprevation if DD got to sleeping through then we had another, so we decided to just keep rolling with the lack of sleep ;)

Thanks for all your support ladies :)

Kazzo - I never thought to do that! Thanks for the tip love!

Lolpigs - good luck on TTC in June!! Very exciting :) yeah I agree, just because the first one was conceived quickly doesn't mean that the second will be but I'm sure you'll have no trouble at all ;)

I will be sprinkling baby dust for you and Chody!!:bluedust::pink-babydust:

Thank you! I've had a bit of a down moment, my mother has shaken my excitement at having another baby. I dont think she meant it intentionally but when I mentioned having another sibling for DD she was like, oh no you dont want to do that now, she needs all the attention for awhile, gives you a break you dont want to be like your cousin blah blah

:( :( Major sadface. Here I was excited and now I feel like the worst person ever and that I'm taking something away from my DD :( :(

My DH tells me not to worry, that we will just do what is right for us, but now I have that nagging doubt.

Lolpigs. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks about when you should have another baby. If it feels right for you then go for it with a big happy smile.

Hey Lolpigs :hug: I agree with Kazzo, the time has to be right for you and your husband, you are the ones that are raising the babies not your Mother. Unfortunately, this will not be the only time that someone says something like this to you - people like to "think" that they are helping by giving advice. Consider it advice and next time it happens just smile and say "Thanks for your opinion, but DH and I have made our mind up and we are happy with our decision" This doesn't put them off but it is just a teeny tiny reminder that the decision is yours and you have made it :) Goodluck love!