She's not going to go! What do I do?

DD2 has significant anxiety issues (among other things) and has done her entire short life. She is medicated, and that medication is the only way that she is able to function in the big wide world. Otherwise, she is literally clinging to me 24/7, refuses to go anywhere, speak to anyone, do anything etc. If she feels unsafe or overwhelmed in a situation she panicks, has a complete meltdown and doesn't/can't stop until she passes out with fatigue.

So, tomorrow is her first day of kindy. I've made arrangements with the school that she have the same kindy teacher and assistant that DD1 had last year so there is familiarity. We've been talking with her about it for months and until the last week she has been excited and eager to go. Last week she came with me the first day of DD1's pp year but since then has stayed home when I've done pickups and drop offs. Today she is saying she won't go to kindy tomorrow, but "maybe another day". She doesn't really mean that - doing something "another day" simply means for her some time yet to come but never actually happens.

There have been so many things that she has not been capable of coping with that we simply don't do until she's ready, but I can't really say that with school can I? I am terrified that come tomorrow morning the only way I will get my darling girl to kindy is to dress her in her uniform against her will, put in her in the car against her will, carry her screaming into her classroom and then dump and run. I can't do that. I don't ever want to use my size and strength against hers to force her into anything.

What do I do? I feel sick at the thought of this. I want to just get up tomorrow, take DD1 to pp and pretend kindy doesn't exist.

Have you done some social stories with her? Does she have a psychologist or counsellor?

Perhaps there's a special buddy who can look after her tomorrow?

Huge hugs.

Can you stay with her? Tell her she needs to go but you will stay that day (and the next), take it a day at a time, until she feels safe with the teachers and you feel she will cope?
I have no idea other than that, but good luck. I hope you can find a solution that you are all comfortable with. :hug:

oh that sucks!!! must be so hard to watch her like that :hug:

maybe she is old enough to be taught some relaxation strategies.... to focus on breathing nice and slow and tensing her muscles and relaxing them again.... Could be a nice routine to practice it before bedtime, and then you can talk to her about, how when she's feeling nervous she can do the breathing thing and it will help her feel better (even if it just helps to take her mind off things).
Maybe some storybooks about feeling worried maybe a way of talking about the topic - cause she probably doesn't know what the feeling is, and how to cope with it.

there are some relaxation training scripts which you can use to help her learn to manage the anxiety. I've copied one here, and put it below, but if you google "relaxation training script children" you may find some others.

the best thing you can teach her is what to do... more than just ignoring or battling through. She needs real concrete strategies, something tangible that she can hold on to if the feelings start bubbling over. Maybe having a 'safe space' in the kinder will be helpful too. The teacher should be able to help you with this.

I hope that you also have access to a psychologist to discuss these issues as well - cause while medication is helpful - it doesn't fix the anxiety, it just brings it up to a level whereby she can cope, and she still needs to learn strategies to manage it - and other feelings. The sooner she learns some of these - the better.

The psych may not do individual work with her, as at this age she is quite little to respond to counselling - but if the psych can work with you to discuss strategies and make plans to deal with these types of situations you will feel more empowered and able to help her on a daily basis - and that is what will make the most impact.

Best of luck - I really hope you can get her to kinder and start that path - cause it really is important that she learn to cope, but at the same time bundling her into the car is not going to teach her how to manage the feelings - it's just going to make her feel more stressed.

I hope that you can talk to her tonight (if possible - it's late now!!) and in the morning about taking some big deep breaths! and confidently saying "you can do this, you are very brave and new things are hard, so every time you think you can't take a big breath" and practice with her....

it's not much of a plan sorry! but hopefully it's SOMETHING to help....


Here's the relaxation script you could use for regular practice - quiet music, dark room - kids love it! anxious or not! and it's good for them!!! xxx

good luck tomorrow xx


Progressive Muscle Relaxation for Children

Author: Koeppen, A.S. (1974). Relaxation training for children. Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, 9, 14-21.

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Introduction

Today we're going to practice some special kinds of exercises called relaxation exercises. These exercises help you to learn how to relax when you're feeling up-tight and help you get rid of those butterflies-in-your-stomach kinds of feelings. They're also kind of neat because you can learn how to do some of them without anyone really noticing.
In order for you to get the best feelings from these exercises, there are some rules you must follow. First, you must do exactly what I say, even if it seems kind of silly. Second, you must try hard to do what I say. Third, you must pay attention to your body. Throughout these exercises, pay attention to how your muscles feel when they are tight and when they are loose and relaxed. And fourth, you must practice. The more you practice, the more relaxed you can get. Do you have any questions?

Are you ready to begin? Okay, first, get as comfortable as you can in your chair. Sit back, get both feet on the floor, and just let your arms hang loose. That's fine. Now close your eyes and don't open them until I say to. Remember to follow my instructions very carefully, try hard, and pay attention to your body. Here we go.

Hands and Arms

Pretend you have a whole lemon in your left hand. Now squeeze it hard. Try to squeeze all the juice out. Feel the tightness in your hand and arm as you squeeze. Now drop the lemon. Notice how your muscles feel when they are relaxed. Take another lemon and squeeze. Try to squeeze this one harder than you did the first one. That's right. Real hard. Now drop the lemon and relax. See how much better your hand and arm feel when they are relaxed. Once again, take a lemon in your left hand and squeeze all the juice out. Don't leave a single drop. Squeeze hard. Good. Now relax and let the lemon fall from your hand.
(Repeat the process for the right hand and arm.)

Arms and Shoulders

Pretend you are a furry, lazy cat. You want to stretch. Stretch your arms out in front of you. Raise them up high over your head. Way back. Feel the pull in your shoulders. Stretch higher. Now just let your arms drop back to your side. Okay, kitten, let's stretch again. Stretch your arms out in front of you. Raise them over your head. Pull them back, way back. Pull hard. Now let them drop quickly. Good. Notice how your shoulders feel more relaxed. This time let's have a great big stretch. Try to touch the ceiling. Stretch your arms way out in front of you. Raise them way up high over your head. Push them way, way back. Notice the tension and pull in your arms and shoulders. Hold tight, now. Great. Let them drop very quickly and feel how good it is to be relaxed. It feels good and warm and lazy.

Jaw

You have a giant jawbreaker bubble gum in your mouth. It's very hard to chew. Bite down on it. Hard! Let your neck muscles help you. Now relax. Just let your jaw hang loose. Notice that how good it feels just to let your jaw drop. Okay, let's tackle that jawbreaker again now. Bite down. Hard! Try to squeeze it out between your teeth. That's good. You're really tearing that gum up. Now relax again. Just let your jaw drop off your face. It feels good just to let go and not have to fight that bubble gum. Okay, one more time. We're really going to tear it up this time. Bite down. Hard as you can. Harder. Oh, you're really working hard. Good. Now relax. Try to relax your whole body. You've beaten that bubble gum. Let yourself go as loose as you can.

Face and Nose

Here comes a pesky old fly. He has landed on your nose. Try to get him off without using your hands. That's right, wrinkle up your nose. Make as many wrinkles in your nose as you can. Scrunch your nose up real hard. Good. You've chased him away. Now you can relax your nose. Oops, here he comes back again. Right back in the middle of your nose. Wrinkle up your nose again. Shoo him off. Wrinkle it up hard. Hold it just as tight as you can. Okay, he flew away. You can relax your face. Notice that when you scrunch up your nose your cheeks and your mouth and your forehead and your eyes all help you, and they get tight too. So when you relax your nose, your whole body relaxes too, and that feels good. Oh-oh. This time that old fly has come back, but this time he's on your forehead. Make lots of wrinkles. Try to catch him between all those wrinkles. Hold it tight, now. Okay, you can let go. He's gone for good. Now you can just relax. Let your face go smooth, no wrinkles anywhere. Your face feels nice and smooth and relaxed.

Stomach

Hey! Here comes a cute baby elephant. But he's not watching where he's going. He doesn't see you lying in the grass, and he's about to step on your stomach. Don't move. You don't have time to get out of the way. Just get ready for him. Make your stomach very hard. Tighten up your stomach muscles real tight. Hold it. It looks like he is going the other way. You can relax now. Let your stomach go soft. Let it be as relaxed as you can. That feels so much better. Oops, he's coming this way again. Get Ready. Tighten up your stomach. Real hard. If he steps on you when your stomach is hard, it won't hurt. Make your stomach into a rock. Okay, he's moving away again. You can relax now. Kind of settle down, get comfortable, and relax. Notice the difference between a tight stomach and a relaxed one. That's how we want to feel---nice and loose and relaxed. You won't believe this, but this time he's coming your way and no turning around. He's headed straight for you. Tighten up. Tighten hard. Here he comes. This is really it. You've got to hold on tight. He's stepping on you. He's stepped over you. Now he's gone for good. You can relax completely. You're safe. Everything is okay, and you can feel nice and relaxed.

This time imagine that you want to squeeze through a narrow fence and the boards have splinters on them. You'll have to make yourself very skinny if you're going to make it through. Suck your stomach in. Try to squeeze it up against your backbone. Try to be skinny as you can. You've got to be skinny now. Just relax and feel your stomach being warm and loose. Okay, let's try to get through that fence now. Squeeze up your stomach. Make it touch your backbone. Get it real small and tight. Get it as skinny as you can. Hold tight, now. You've got to squeeze through. You got through that narrow little fence and no splinters! You can relax now. Settle back and let your stomach come back out where it belongs. You can feel really good now. You've done fine.

Legs and Feet

Now pretend that you are standing barefoot in a big, fat mud puddle. Squish your toes down deep into the mud. Try to get your feet down to the bottom of the mud puddle. You'll probably need your legs to help you push. Push down, spread your toes apart, feel the mud squish up between your toes. Now step out of the mud puddle. Relax your feet. Let your toes go loose and feel how nice that it feels to be relaxed. Back into the mud puddle. Squish your toes down. Let your leg muscles help push your feet down. Push your feet. Hard. Try to squeeze that puddle dry. Okay. Come back out now. Relax your feet, relax your legs, relax your toes. It feels so good to be relaxed. No tenseness anywhere. You feel kind of warm and tingly.

Conclusion

Stay as relaxed as you can. Let your whole body go limp and feel all your muscles relaxed. In a few minutes I will ask you to open your eyes, and that will be the end of this practice session. As you go through the day, remember how good it feels to be relaxed. Sometimes you have to make yourself tighter before you can be relaxed, just as we did in these exercises. Practice these exercises everyday to get more and more relaxed. A good time to practice is at night, after you have gone to bed and the lights are out and you won't be disturbed. It will help you get to sleep. Then, when you are really a good relaxer, you can help yourself relax at school. Just remember the elephant, or the jaw breaker, or the mud puddle, and you can do our exercises and nobody will know. Today is a good day, and you are ready to feel very relaxed. You've worked hard and it feels good to work hard. Very slowly, now, open your eyes and wiggle your muscles around a little. Very good. You've done a good job. You're going to be a super relaxer.


Sorry it's such a long post!!!! In person I'm sure I could go on for hours and discuss it with you! That's why I really think a psych will be able to talk it through better with you!

xxx big :hug: you can make it work - have faith in yourself and her, to both be brave xxx (and you can't be brave unless you're at least a little bit scared!!)

Can you stay until she is comfortable? Just wondering if she may surprise you in her reactions in a different environment. DD1 is pretty anxious and a worrier - er created a goodbye routine where one of the assistants took her to wave goodbye and got her settled into an activity. Same thing each time - bag, fruit, wash hands - wave goodbye. Minimal lingering and all pretty outwardly confident.
Good Luck I hope you have a great start to kindy!

Oh Lulu this must be destroying you. I have absoltuley on idea what to do with DD2 and kinder. Can you and DH take her and stay with her for along as she needs/wants and each day it gets shorter? Would the school be open to that? Do they have any suggestions? Could DD prehaps start with short days and they get longer and longer? Is DD1 near by where they could get her if DD2 gets too bad?
You are right in that she has to go but it doesn't have to be tramatic for her - how to do this completley escapes me at the moment.
I'm sending you massive hugs for tomorrow darl. Will be thinking of you.

I love the idea of setting up a routine for her with a specific carer. DD1 absolutley thrives on routine. She needs to know what is going to happen, when and who or she gets really shy and very unco-operative/difficult and very teary. You know how strong willed my little princess is.

(hug) I hope tomorrow isn't as dreadful as you're expecting.
Does she have to do a full day tomorrow or just a half day?
Maybe you can just stay with her until she's ready for you to go. Even if it's not the normal routine they have a responsibility to make education accessible to everyone and I would say that anxiety that requires medication is a special need so the school needs to work around that. Is her teacher aware that she will struggle to settle in for the first weeks?

I agree with staying longer if you can. Social stpories are great to have at home. Maybe develop some with the teacher?
Wishing her all the very best for tomorrow.

It's only kindy, right? I'm personally really loathe to force stuff on kids. She does need to get schooling somehow, but at this age I don't think it's imperative that she attends 100%. Maybe make a deal that you'll stay with her (can you?) and see how you go from there - adding the other ideas also offered here.
All the best for tomorrow!

The school is fantastic in that they will let me stay as long as E needs me, and they have a great programme for the little ones of phasing them into full days over the course of six weeks, so tomorrow is only until midday. DD1 will also only be two classrooms away, and able to play with her at morning tea time too so that's a big comfort. I'm sure they would go and get her if E got very upset. The problem is that with her issues its not even going to be leaving her there that will be my first problem - its going to be just getting her out the door from here. MadB - agree with you that she doesn't need to be there 100% of the time, but I worry that if she doesn't go from the beginning she will miss out on forming little friendships, and she's not open to new people (kids included) at the best of times. I have such chalk and cheese little girls. I wish I could take just a tiny fraction of DD1's easygoing, confident nature and give it to her sister.

Thanks everyone for all the advice - will certainly give it all a go. I'm just so worried about my baby girl. She's such a troubled little girl and I want so desperately to make life as easy for her as possible. It makes me sick to think of the extra issues she will face and how much harder her life will be because of her condition.

ETA: Sorry - dumb question but what are "social stories"? Is that like mummy's having a baby, my first day at school, first trip to the dentist etc?

She's got a whole year Lu. Hope it all pans out well

How did you go?

Hope this morning has gone smoothly for you and DD :hug:

Oh Lulu, I'm so sorry your darling girl has anxiety issues! How did the morning go?

Can she come with you to "collect" DD1, but rather very early, and "wait" in kindy until DD1 is ready?

Hello,
I hope today went well for you. I heard from Ds' preschool teacher that her grandson didn't want to go either. His mum had to forcibly pull him out of the car, drag him in there kicking and screaming but he had to go. So I don't think you are alone. So sorry to hear your little girl has anxiety. I think something like starting school would frighten me as an adult, a foreign place and new people is not for the faint hearted let alone someone who doesn't like change. I hope it went well for you both xoxox

Social stories are stories about her and what she is going to do. They can include photos, or pictures, or symbols so that she can "read" them. I have become quite good at them, and have software at work that puts the pictures in. I am happy to do one for you if you think it will help.

I only just saw this now....I really hope she woke up this morning excited about going to kindy.....all I could think was about staying with her until she was comfortable but it seems like you have already got that covered with the school...

Goodluck!

:

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Social stories are stories about her and what she is going to do. They can include photos, or pictures, or symbols so that she can "read"
them. I have become quite good at them, and have software at work that puts the pictures in. I am happy to do one for you if you think it will help.

---

That is so incredibly kind of you. Thank you so much.

Thank you everyone for all the support. Turns out I was far more stressed than she was! Made them both pancakes this morning and then DD1 grabbed her by the hand and said "come on E. We need to get our uniforms on. We're both going to schooooooooooool today". So off they both toddled, got dressed and came out happy and ready to go. Got to kindy and showed her where everything is, had a bit of a play and then when it was time to go she gave DH and I a kiss and cuddle and then happily went and sat on the mat, waved goodbye cheerily, blew kisses and then got involved with the teacher and kids. I am relieved beyond words and just hoping that the next three hours are fun for her. Its going to be a very long three hours for me!

Thanks again ladies. I can't tell you how much it means to have lovely people that genuinely care how my little girl is going.

Awwww Lulu. Proud mummy moment!! So glad for you!

I saw something on a FB page which might help - a mum made up a felt/material heart and stuffed it up so it was all soft and puffy and told her son on the first day of kindy that it was a special heart full of mummy hugs and if he felt sad at Kindy all he had to too was give it a squeeze/hug and and he would have a hug from mum. It was only little so it could fit in his pocket.

So glad she went off ok today! I am sure she is having a great time

Oh Lulu I am SO glad it went well. :hug: Keep going off her cues which you are doing but sounds like at least initial transition will be ok. SO cute of I to take her hand like that and help her- bless her cottons xoxoxo

So glad she was ok.

So pleased she went to kindy so well this morning.
How gorgeous of your other daughter to make sure she was excited in the morning about going!

Hope she has a brilliant day and keeps on looking forward to going!

Awesome news! I am so happy for both of you!

I'm so excited for you and so proud of Miss E. Your little girls are just gorgeous - how beautiful of Miss I to help Miss E like that. They are just so damn cute!!!

Can't wait to hear how her day went.

Fantastic news! So glad it went smoothly and hope you all enjoyed your mornings :)

Oh Im so glad for her and you that she was so happy to go!! Wishing her a very happy first day and many more to come! :hug:

What a brilliant outcome hun! I hope she really enjoyed herself and that she settles in well.

You should be a very proud mumma! I hope you got the chance to go and put your feet up for a bit xo

That's great!

She had a great day. Played in the sand pit, did some swirly paintings and generally seems happy with her day and excited about going back. Long may it last!!

Now that she's ok I think I need a nap . . .

Go Miss E!!!!! That is fabulous news!!!

I'm so glad!!! Bless her, how cute :) Great work from big sister!

just seen this, great that she was so happy with it all, sometimes they surprise you!! hope it continues!