Different behaviour at home vs child care

My two kidlets have been in childcare, three days a week, since mid-Jan. We moved them from home-based nanny care into long day care, so they are adjusting to the new care model, not also my return to work. I've been back at work since June. They are in care from approx 7.30am til about 4.00 or 5.00pm.

There has been some other things going on - DD has started swimming lessons on her own (previously been with a parent) and she has had a session of kinder. She won't start kinder officially until she turns three (Sat) but she knows it is coming and is very excited. DS has been teething and has hit the terrible twos (I tried telling him he's only 18mths but he didn't listen :lol: ).

So there's been a bit going on.

Their behaviour at home has been... challenging. DD doesn't listen to instructions. You ask her/tell her to do something and she just completely ignores us. She pushes boundaries... does things that she knows she is not allowed to do. Uses her hands to eat dinner, climbs on things that she is not allowed to climb on, plays with things that are out of bounds, grabs things off the bench, talks back, ignores us, pushes her brother, etc.

DS just seems to have a hissy fit over any slight provocation. He wanted grapes. I held out the bowl and said "just take one please" and he grabbed two. I took one back off him and said "One at a time". Cue tantrum. He gets over them pretty quickly but it just seems constant!

DH dropped them at childcare today and spent some time with the carers talking about how they are going and watching the kids. Apparently at childcare they are angels. They don't cry, whinge, carry on. DD listens to instructions and has beautiful manners. They play together nicely. DS doesn't have tantrums. The only criticism the carers had was they don't play with the other kids, just want to play with each other (aww), and they run, which isn't allowed.

So is this a common thing? Completely different behaviour at home and childcare?

DH rang me to tell me the above and then said "So we are doing something wrong at home. We need to fix it."

My immediate reaction was that we aren't doing anything wrong, it is that we are mummy and daddy and different rules apply to us vs childcare. They are smart enough to know what they can get away with at childcare (ie not much) versus at home, where they can push boundaries and work the emotional angle - if I cry, mummy will give me a cuddle.

Do you think this is right?

My girls are the same, they know the rules at kinder and follow them but at home they are tired, cranky and want attention of any kind. We stay firm and let then know its not going to be accepted if they start to cry, scream or ignore us they go to their room for quiet time. It took about two weeks and they have calmed down and we get to cuddle and play now. It's the downside of having them home for summer then getting back into everything.

No, we find the same thing. Pretty much every FDC lady we've been with has commented on the same phenomenon. The kids are angels at care all day long, then as soon as mum or dad turn up for the pick up - BAM - it's on.

I actually think it's a response to being with the people they feel most emotionally secure with after holding it in all day long. In the same way that you or I will allow ourselves to have a little cry with a friend/partner and yet we can hold it in and function at work like any other non-crying person. IF you're going to stretch boundaries to learn about your own autonomy, then mum and dad are the safest people to do that with.

JMO

Could it be that CC is a much more structured environment and the clearly know what they can and can't do, what's going to happen and when, etc. Whereas at home it's not so predictable? Maybe you could get some more rituals happening around everyday things like mealtimes, bedtime, etc. so like every day things happen in a certain order and they have their own special jobs to do. This works for me a lot. DD1 loves telling me what we're going to do and how she's going to help and cooperates much easier when we're all doing it together iykwim.

I don't know if you already do this but that's all I could think of!

Another thing I'm working on is not saying 'no'. Well, unless absolutely necessary. I got into a habit of saying it too much so they just tuned out to me.

Of course I've never been in your situation so feel free to ignore me! Lol

I was going to say something similar to MD. My Mum used to do FDC and we saw the same thing every day - absolutely perfect children, until mum or dad turned up. One little girl would be happily playing, but as soon as her mum turned up she'd run over and turn into a sooking mess every single day. She wanted a drink, or a biscuit, or didn't want to go home or whatever. It's like she just relaxed into her mum and was more able to express herself that way.

I'm still like that, I'm much more comfortable around DH so I behave a little differently around him. There are certainly things I say/do to him that I'd never consider with others!

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I actually think it's a response to being with the people they feel most emotionally secure with after holding it in all day long. In the same way that you or I will allow ourselves to have a little cry with a friend/partner and yet we can hold it in and function at work like any other non-crying person. IF you're going to stretch boundaries to learn about your own autonomy, then mum and dad are the safest people to do that with.

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This is exactly what I was going to say, just probably wouldn't have said it quite so well.

My DS is also in care 3 days a week, for a similar length of time as your two, and I also find the same thing. I tend to find that he does try and push the boundaries further after CC, but on the days he's home with me he's a bit more 'normal'.

I think a big part of CC is about your LO's establishing their independence. This is natural, they're away from their parents and their home. They're amongst peers and need to establish a place within that new found environment. With that new found independence also comes a desire for independent thinking - I want 2 grapes, I'm going to take two grapes. I don't know that this sense of independent thinking is as pronounced, or develops as quickly, when children aren't in the CC environment.

In our family, we've found the best thing has been to embrace that independent thinking where ever we can. So if DS takes 2 grapes, he can have 2 grapes. For me it's not worth challenging him on it. If he wants the blue cup instead of the green cup that I got out, well he can have the blue cup. But, if he wants climb on the dining table, well that's a different thing. Overall, I've found that by accommodating this 'independent thinking' (as I like to call it) where it is practical and safe, he's become less inclined to fight me when I have to put my foot down.

HTH

Absolutely! Childcare didn't believe me that dd1 had tantrums, after 2.5y she eventually had one there and they were astounded! 2.5 years without a tantrum, when we had them every other day! They do save their best behaviour for others and their worst for you, because they are secure with you and know you love them no matter what. So oh must be doing the right thing if they feel so secure and loved by you.

Also imagine if it was he other way round ...... I think I prefer to deal with it than have others manage the meltdowns.

Thanks for the reassurances!

MD, that is a great insight, "just your opinion" or not it certainly makes sense. And even makes me feel a little better.

I was just taken aback a bit by DH saying "We are doing something wrong". I was like hang on... really??

Miss E, thanks for those thoughts. That is a good point - choose my battles. Bend when I can... I'm going to try and take that on board.

Heaven, :lol: you goose, thanks for the suggestions! I actually got a similar suggestion from a friend last night! Our problem is on my two days off and then on weekends, anything goes. So I might need to start having a bit more of a routine. It'll be easier when DD is at kinder as I will have to structure my days a bit tighter.

Friend last night suggested a big chart that has the day and then the planned activities. She said I could use pictures. So 7am, wake up, breakfast. 7.30, get dressed, wash face, brush teeth. That kind of thing. I might look into that...

Normal in this house! I put it down to the effect MD described. I did say something to her FDC carer one day and she said the same, all her FDC kids are like it to some degree.

We sometimes have it the other way round - ds was biting at CC and not at home; although it seems to have swapped around again


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OP - same circs here, I agree with MD about the kids adjusting to the different surroundings. DD1 has just started school and OMG it has been so much more obvious in terms of extreme behaviours at the end of the day, worse at the end of the week too.
We tended to have at home days last year as the girls were not getting enough down time with combos of childcare/kinder it was 3 days a week out of home and in a more boisterous/structured in environment. Not always possible and a little irritating for me but seemed to help us cope a bit better.
I sometimes wonder if the kids are using me as a test run for how others will deal with their reactions too. Three was a tricky age for DD1 and I had almost forgotten about the defiance and stubborness until DD2 started a few weeks ago.
I have also consoled myself with the fact that at least they can behave when not with me????!!!! Not much fun tho.

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I actually think it's a response to being with the people they feel most emotionally secure with after holding it in all day long. In the same way that you or I will allow ourselves to have a little cry with a friend/partner and yet we can hold it in and function at work like any other non-crying person. IF you're going to stretch boundaries to learn about your own autonomy, then mum and dad are the safest people to do that with.

JMO

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this is priceless! Thanks!


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definitely not just you!

some of the girls from mum's group have even found that their kids will nap and eat perfectly at daycare - but at home? catnapping, and food thrown from here to kingdom come ... not a chance of them eating the stuff they're happily eating 2 serves of, at daycare ...

you're not doing anything wrong ... your kids are just feeling out the boundaries and difference between home and daycare.

mega hugs, lovely :hug:

Sounds like you need to tell your DH that we're all doing the same wrong things!

Same with my girls. In fairness, they are normally really good but like all kids they go through their stages. DD1 at the moment is a temperamental little monster at hme. I agree that they're testing boundaries and flexing their muscles. I was constantly told by DD's kindy teacher last year and now preprimary teacher this year what an amazing child she is, how beautiful her manners are etc. And generally they are and she is, but geez when they're not and she's not oh my!!

I really think its normal and unfortunately one of those things we almost bring upon ourselves - we try and raise independent, strong minded, thinking little people and so they think they can do all that whenever they want. They just need to know we want them to be strong minded and independent when it suits us :-)

I hope this stage for your kids blows over soon.

Thanks everyone. Got home to maddness - kids hungry, dinner on the table but DD refusing to get dressed and DH about to lose the plot again. :rolleyes:

I'm going away this weekend - a little bit worried that DH isn't going to cope!!!! Ah well - we don't have any choice really, I gotta go!

From the carers side of things - yes, this is what we find parents tell us too. That the behaviour is totally different at home to in care, not always, but often. I've had parents tell us things that are hard to believe from what we see.

I could say the really obvious, and suggest you tell him that he is doing it all wrong ... ;)

But I'm guessing that wouldn't be constructive ... ? Or, uh, nice?

Have a great weekend! :hug:

Maybe suggest to DH that he implements the 'right' way of doing things this weekend while he has them and see if it makes a difference ;)

OP - sounds so like my DH, he sees more black and white than shades of grey ITMS???.
Some things that have helped here are making sure we do regular and routine food/water breaks, rather than waiting until they lose the plot and i haven't realised. Early dinner is important here - so asap as we get home on a work night and about 5.30pm on home days. Hard as we try to eat together and this is not always possible. Work days I have a heat and eat meal ready or sandwiches as they have a hot meal at cc.
Also trying to give enough time to get out the door - so half hour rather than 5mins. DD2 likes to change clothes/shoes and whilst I HATE it I am trying to let them have influence over the few things that they can rather than dictate everything.
Good luck!
ETA - You sound super organised - I know DH having the kids without me as back up did change his expectations as well. Enjoy your weekend!