It's just too much.

*Nonsensical rant ahead*
As most know my DD Sophie died last year in her sleep at 2 weeks old. My DH stayed home with me to help me cope (I was a mess and we were going through DS' ASD diagnosis). He is now at TAFE 5 days a week and I'm home alone with the 4 kids most of the time. With his commute adding up to 3 hours to his day, he only sees the kids for 2 to 3 hours a day (mostly during breakfast/dinner/ bedtime routine). DS has appointments everyday which is stressful as I don't drive and I have to take all 4 kids on the bus or rely on my grandparents to help. I have zero me time, am sleeping on average 5hrs a night and am on 100mg of zoloft a day.

We have TTC for 10 months and I'm struggling with it. I have never had to TTC before and have had 3 healthy pregnancies. Everyone keeps telling me to wait and it will happen when we're ready or feel like I'm trying to replace her. We were discussing #6 when DD was only a week old. I'm ready to give up and just go on with the ache for another child until it falls to the wayside.

I'm falling apart in public which sucks. Most people in our life (aside from family and close friends) don't even know about her. We started seeing them after she died and have never known when the right time is to bring it up. I will add these aren't friends, they're staff at my kids daycare, my son's therapists and other ASD parents.

To add to all of it a lady in the shops heard me talking to DD1 and started discussing how her kids names are similar to mine. I told her all 5 names and she looked horrified and told me I better be done having kids. It took everything in me to grab DD and move away before I broke down. I'm sick of it. My mother and SIL are having babies in the next couple months and they keep contacting me to complain about being pregnant and wanting me to be there when they have their babies as they feel it will be good for me and help me move on. I'm not close to either and am having a hard time finding a polite way to say thanks but no thanks, not interested in watching you both play happy families in the hospital where I last saw my daughter.

If you got through all this you deserve a hot cup of coffee and chocolate!

Oh Hun huge :hug: just want to say you are doing an amazing job. So sorry that you have to go through this.

oh honey :hug: I wish I was up there to give you a huge hug

:hug::hug: just for you.

i have no words just :hug:
im so sorry.

:( That lady was a *****. Huge :hug:

:crying: I've been wondering how you were going, with her birthday coming up next month :( I'm sorry people are poohead bumholes. I'm especially mad your mum & sister think being around them and their newbies will help you. Wth? You don't want theirs, you want yours! (Speaking from experience, obviously, but your TTC is going longer than mine did :( )

I'm sorry you've got so much other stressful stuff going on on top of all that, too :comfort:


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Hugs babe x

Hugs hun wish I could offer a way to help huge hugs.

xoxox

:hug:

Thanks guys I've started the freak out about her anniversaries (birthday, deathday, funerals) and was planning on having the kids in daycare as a one off but unfortunately this year all three of these days are Saturdays. I know my family will forget her birthday and I'll be on my own emotionally. DH is not an emotional person and doesn't get why I would be upset over a day (or days).

I am working on my license and only have 3 hours left before I have to lodge my logbook so hopefully by next month I have my independence. I have started uni by distance to do my year 12 prerequisites so I can start in 2013 but am already worried about how this will play out. I have to sit DH down and really tell him how important this is to me.

I'm moving forward but just feel so overwhelmed emotionally and unsupported by family (aside from my grandparents).

:hug: :hug: I never knew what happened to your precious baby girl sophie but didnt want to ask incase i sounded insensitive. I'm so sorry you and your family have gone through that :hug:

Some people are just a$$ hats! Its nobodys business and i hate that complete strangers have to give their opinions :rolleyes:

I don't mind talking about it LMS or being asked what happened. I do have the issue in the back of my mind that we still don't have her autopsy results yet and family asked me what if it turns out we killed her (we were cosleeping). It's a very real possibility that haunts me. I'm terrified I unintentionally killed my own daughter. DH struggled with it for a long time and honestly blamed me (so much so that when we were told there was nothing they could do, which we knew, that he told me I killed her). Every time I check the mailbox I have this sick mix of dread and hope that her autopsy results will turn up. So I can just know and stop agonizing.

Massive :hug: Hun I'm so sorry your going through this and dealing with all these emotions alone.

My mum still to this day is emotional on my brothers birthday and anniversary, it's 24yrs on and she says the pain will never just disappear.

I hope you can find a way to celebrate her birthday (if that's what you wish to do) that everyone can respect and possibly join in.

Boo to your mum & SIL for being so insensitive.


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:hug::hug::hug:

:hug::hug:

:hug: so sorry sweetie :hug:

sorry that you are having such a rough time

Please dont blame yourself

hun,
you are living a nightmare at the moment. You are doing soo well to hold it together enough to function in some sort of normal state. You should be so proud of yourself for even getting out of the house with 4 kids- let alone with all you are going through emotionally.
unfortunately so many people dont realise that just because their life keeps going on, it doesnt mean that you want yours too without your little girl
a big huge hug of strength to you!!
One little step in front of the other

Oh hun :hug:
I know I've never been through anything you have, but want you to know I'm here for you to vent to if you need someone xx :hug:


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Oh lovely :cry:

I feel so guilty because I have mine, and you don't have yours - its just so ******* unfair.

I have no words - I'm here if you ever need anything though (which is such a stupid thing to say, you want her back and I can't do that - but I hope you know what I mean.)

P.S. Can someone sign off on the last 3 hours for you and say that you have done them so you can get your licence?

:p to your mother and SIL. No one who dies can be "gotten over" or replaced. Especially not your precious daughter. I hope they either miraculously gain some empathy or at least get so wrapped up in themselves they leave you alone.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. :hug:

Massive :hug:

People just don't know what to say sometimes, so they end up saying the wrong thing.

:hug: :hug:

:hug: sorry for the loss of your daughter Sophie and that you have so much else to deal with in your life, i hope you can soon get your licence to make things a bit easier for you :hug:

I'm so very sorry.
I wish I had better words. Breathe in, breathe out, and tell your mother and sil no. They just have no idea what they're asking of you.
Tell people (childcare, asd parents, psych etc) you're entitled to be feeling fragile and you deserve some compassion.
Biggest hugs, RB. Again, I'm so sorry :comfort:

You have my coffee & chocolate.

I get that having 4 kids too, but I don't have the loss to cope with as well. Its hard enough for me hearing the judgement.

It won't get better, you know that, but surviving will get easier xx

Hugs sweetie - I couldn't read and not post, BBL for more. Whilst my circumstances are different, I understand some of your pain. So hugs.

:hug:

Oh RockingBaker, I just wish I could wrap you up in a massive hug. Baby death is hard on it's own, let alone waiting for autopsy results, TTC, and holding a family together. But you are doing all of that. Who cares if you have a melt down once in a while.. Have you thought of telling people about Sophie that don't know? I'll share my experience (and you may not even want to read it because you might be completely different.) I had to tell people about the twins, especially in that first year. I wanted them to be known, recognised and remembered.. If you want to tell people, tell them. If not don't. Just do what feels right. As for your family asking if you killed her :o Tell them to get lost! Don't listen to anything toxic.

Regarding birthdays anniversaries etc, have you thought about what you would like to do? I personally celebrate Taite and Seth's birthday with a balloon release, I try to think about the day they were born and how much they brought to my life. It's sad because they aren't here and should be, but for me, it's a day to try and celebrate for them. (add in lots of songs and tears). Spend the day with people you want to and trust. Whether it be everyone, or no one! Do whatever you want. Can you get someone to take the kids for you? Or have them on standby in case you can't deal with it? My heart goes out to you babe. You shouldn't have to be going through this. Nobody should. :hug:

BAL - perfect words....

RB - I was just wondering, apart from anything else, if you've thought about going to your GP to talk about depression? I tell you I am seriously thinking about it at the mo, and for me if things don't start to improve, I will be at the Dr's next week. It's a big step for me, to admit that I might need that sort of help, but at the same time, if it makes me stronger, than that is what I must do.

I didn't mean to make this post about me. I was just thinking about what you'd written ( and I will still BBL to reply to most of it, sorry to keep you waiting) but i thought I got a glimpse of how you're feeling and it seems to be similar to how I am at the mo ( and you have way more on your plate than me). Anyway, just an idea. Please don't be offended by the suggestion, it comes from a good place - one of concern for you, not judgement.

Massive :hug:


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