Unplanned PG: What was DP/DF/DH reaction?

My sister has just found out she has an unplanned PG to deal with.

Background
She has been with the DF for 12 -18months, engaged for 4months. He is from overseas and has a very culturally differnent upbringing. His family are not exactly over the moon about his relationship with a western girl, they have not met her. Her DF has adopted to the western culture quite well, he has his permenant residence and is a couple of months away from his citizenship. They have not set a date yet as they want to meet his family and get their approval before hand, they had discussed starting a family in 2- 3 yrs.

She found out a couple of days ago she is PG, not sure how far along, she has a referral for an U/S for a dating scan. She could be as little as 5/6 weeks or potentially up to 10weeks. He has basically said get a termination or you are on your own. I'm hoping he said it out of fear. He is not practicing his religion, but the religion he was raised in is opposed to abortion, and pre-marital relationships.

Anyway, my question is: What was your partner's reaction when you told him? What did you do? And what was your outcome in the end?

What an awful situation! And may I also say what an a-hole!
I fell pg at 18, when I discovered I was pg we had only been together 6 months. His family were awful, but I wouldn't be swayed.
My DF dropped his burger all over himself when I blurted it out. It was tough, we had no idea if we even wanted to be together long term. But we decided after a month of soul searching that we'd give it a good go. Termination was never an option for me so it was more would we do this together or seperately.
We moved in together and are still together 5 years later- we are actually getting married next month :) We have also had another baby :) we have 3 angels together too.
Good luck to your sister- I will pray for her and you also. Lots of love xxxx

I waited until we were alone late the night I tested. We'd been together five years. DP was shocked. He asked what I was going to do and when I said I was having a baby. So he told me to go to the dr the next day and came with me.

We had some rough patches during the pg (and afterwards), but we're still here almost seven years and another baby too.

Mmm my first pregnancy ds11 dad teared up and said really are we having a baby!
second ds3 i was picked up and whirled around the kitchen
third ds16month 'i should have had the snip shouldnt have i ' Where not together any more !!

Asked me to retest. Didn't belive it then after the bloods. Got a tad excited.
I was 19, engaged a month n now two kids a dog n 12 chooks later....

The first time it happened, I was 22. DP was 30. We'd only been together for about 7 months but stupidly used no protection. Due to an accident when he was little and TTC for years with his ex to no avail meant he was infertile. Wrong! Bigtime. He freaked out. Threatened to leave me, threatened to disappear so I couldn't seek child support... told me to terminate, the works. I was devastated, of course. In the end, he was just acting out of fear. After he came to a decision to support me and the pg, I suffered a mc. It was sad and ironic.

The next pg was planned, and DS was born 10 months ago.

Most recently, I experienced a chemical pregnancy. Again unplanned. This time I was taking my birth control religiously.... but a tummy bug rendered it useless, it seems as when AF was late I got suspicious and tested. DP was surprised, but by no means freaking out. I suppose because we already have one child it wasn't a huge crisis, even though the timing would have sucked financially.

I think what I'm getting at here is that the same person can react differently to two very similar situations. I hope her DF is just speaking out of fear and shock. If not, she is going to need your support. :hug: Best of luck to her.

OUr first was unplanned. DH was not happy at all. DOn't have much time to post now but will come back tomorrow

I wonder if his response is that because he is fearful of what his family's reaction will or could be???

DD1, I did the test whilst dh was at music practice, then we had dinner at his parents house (where he said I was just glowing, and looked beautiful), went home and we were laying on the bed when I blurted it out... He just smiled, and had this dumb look on his face. I was the one who wanted to opt for a termination. I just didnt feel ready. But we never went through with it, and the whole time he has stuck by my side.
We were fearful about Dh's family reaction. We had been together for 7yrs, even though few family members realised that. (long story) But we were sure that when we told his mum she would want us to get married before DD1 came along, she is one who believes in marriage first, then move in together, then babies. But we sorted through that with time.

:hug: to your sister and you. Im sure everything will work out, in its own strange way.

Mine was actually pretty good about it. He was more worried about telling his mother.

Big hugs to your sister. :hug:
Hoping everything turns out okay.

xox

I fell pregnant the second month we were together. He had basically told me on our third date that he wouldn't hesitate to have kids with me (I was 37 at the time, so obviously it was going to need to be talked about at some point). He was very surprised but very supportive and there was absolutely no way either of us considered a termination. Sadly, I miscarried that baby.

with my ex-df i was with him less than a month when I fell preg, he pushed me into a termination in the nicest way he could: guilt trip. "imagine the life the kid would have, we cant afford to provide for it" etc.
We only lasted a year after that, as i wasnt allowed to feel sad about my loss, he would tell me "its done with get over it" pretty much. :shakehead:

I was seeing a guy who has a gf (long story) and found out I was pg. he wanted me to terminate but I was already 16 weeks, so he said adopt it. Since I already have 2 DD's I continued with the preg with his secret support. DS is 5 weeks old and he hasn't signed the birth cert and hasn't told any of his family and friends.

He is acting out of fear of how people are going to react and how he can support another child. I've told him that I will raise and support DS myself without anything from him. I'm happy to be doing this by myself. His support and acknowledgement would be nice, but I don't need it. I have my family and friends.

DH and I were recently faced with a possible unplanned pregnancy. DH is adamant he doesn't want any more children, I'd like one more but not yet.
Anyway, I was showing symptoms of being pregnant, and my AF was late (and is very regular due to being on the pill).
Before I took a test, DH and I discussed what would happen if I were pregnant. He told me he wouldn't be happy about it, but we would keep it as he wouldn't want me to terminate a child of ours.
I didn't end up being pregnant, but he certainly would be supportive through it all.

What a horrible situation for your sister to be in! I hope there is some resolve that she is happy and comfortable with.

I had been with my DD's father for 2 years before it happened - he was ok to begin with but walked away when I was 3 months pg (claiming he couldn't deal with it) saw me again at 7 months pg and has been there on and off since (she is nearly 6)

With this baby it's 3rd unplanned pregnancy. First one found out when I miscarried - he was ok through that but it was never spoken about. 2nd one he was pushing for termination but ended in another miscarriage (both times I was on the pill) we split for a month and he withdrew and refused to deal with anything and we both shut each other out. Then this one was another surprise as I had just started depo shots but again he pushed for a termination I said no so he wished us both dead and I haven't heard since.

Hope your sister pulls through this trying time

Both my pregnancies were unplanned.

When I was 20 I ran away to the other side of the country for an adventure, there I met a guy and we decided to drive from Perth back to Brisbane. We weren't really together or anything but at any rate, I fell pregnant. I wasn't sure what I wanted and did visit an abortion clinic only to decide that that wasn't something I could do. He was supportive either way but I could tell he wanted to keep the baby. We decided to try and make a family work. We split up when she was 6 months old but really, never should have been together. I still get along with him and he is active in her life, just definitely not right for each other romantically.

With DD2, DP was supportive at first and there was no doubt in my mind that I would keep her. At around 20w he freaked out when me and DD1 were about to move in, broke up with me in a text and we didn't speak for 4 days. It was a fear response, instant family and all of that. I gave him space even though I was heartbroken and we eventually worked through it. We couldn't be happier now and know it was just meant to be :)

We had been together for over 4 years and married for over 2.. it was not planned (alothough DH likes to hint that he "let" it happen) given that we have only ever had ONE slip up (we dont use protection, we use the pull out method but not that time) and thats all it took (though i have a sad sinking feeling it wont be so easy next time :( but thats another story..) when i found out DHs reaction? "NO" no we werent doing it, no we werent ready, no we couldnt afford it, just no! termination was not an option, i had secretly wished for this little baby for so long. We didnt talk for a week (he works FIFO) and the day before he was due to come home he called me and said "Right, we're having a baby!!" we had our rough patches, like alot of people we had to scrifice alot, make alot of changes to our day to day life, and priorities shifted but she is the love of his life.. and mine. and neither of us would have it any other way.

Our pregnancy wasnt really planned. But we werent really using protection we had been married for 3 years and together for 7. My DH just went into shock and was like.. well right. We had talked about children before briefly and knew that termination was not an option for either of us as we both believed in accepting the consequences of your actions.. which include sex ;)

Neither of us really talked about it for awhile, then when the morning sickness kicked in it made it very real all of a sudden.

It took us both awhile to come to terms with it but by the first scan we were both really happy and nervous. I can understand that fear reaction, but by the same token, you have to accept those consequences imo.

I'm so sorry your sister is going through this and I hope she gets the support she needs x

My DH and I had only been together about a month when I found out I was pregnant. Had been on the pill but had been sick and stupid me didn't think. TBH he handled it a whole lot better than I did. Lots of support and encouragement, never a conversation that didn't revolve around what "we" were dealing with, an enormous flower arrangement delivered to me with an incredibly supportive card. I ended up having a m/c, but it had proved to me that this was a man who would stand beside me through it all.

IMO any man who turns around and issues ultimatums when HE got a woman pregnant needs to grow up, stop being so selfish and accept some responsibility. No, unplanned pregnancies are not always blessings in disguise, but a woman never gets there on her own. Even the ones that say they've been tricked and "trapped" after being told their partner was on the pill, there's always condoms to be extra sure.

I hope your sister is ok, and gets the support she needs. Sounds like she needs it from someone other than him though unfortunately.

My situation was a bit different in that DH and I were already married, but we'd only been married about 6 weeks when I fell pg. We'd already discussed babies and DH wanted to wait at least a year and I didn't and it caused a bit of tension that we couldn't resolve it. SO when I realised I might be pg, he was going along with things but I think he thought that I wasn't and he was being OK with it because he thought that it wasn't something he had to deal with for real ITMS. When it turned out that I was pg and I told him, he just turned so cold towards me and it was like he blamed me for deliberately getting pg, even though I hadn't. The reaction I got to telling him that I was pg was 'no you're not'. We didn't speak for close to a week, then things were really strained for another few months. We didnt' even have sex it was that bad. It was the hardest period of our relationship and I was devastated because it should have been so much different to what it was kwim? He never came to a single appointment with me during the pg and basically didn't even want to know about it - didn't care when I started buying things and hated talking about it with other people if it came up in conversation. I felt so ripped off that I didn't get that happy experience of a partner who was involved in it all. BUT when I was about 7-8 months pg he did start to warm to the idea and talking about names. In reflection, I think his reaction was because he just didn't feel ready to become a parent yet so he was freaking out about it all and just couldn't tell me. When the time came and I went into labour, I couldn't have asked for a more supportive or attentive husband and he came through for me when I needed him to the most. It still took a while for him to get used to being a Dad, but eventually he realised it was fine. Things were much better the second time round when we decided to have our second bub and he was much more involved in it all. Clearly it turned out OK for us because we have 4 kids and will celebrate 12 years of marriage this year.

I completely understand how your sister feels right now, and even though I was never ever pressured to seek a termination or threatened that he would leave. The emotional disconnection was the same though :( I think that this is just a knee-jerk reaction from him, because after all, if it was truly a religion/cultural thing, then he wouldn't have been having a sexual relationship before marriage nor would he be advocating for a termination. I think she just needs to give him time as the poor bugger is probably freaking out about how to tell his parents, especially if they aren't keen on them even being together. I hope it all works out for the best for her :hug:

DH and i fell pregnant with DS1 just after 12months of marriage (8 years together i think). He was planned.

DS2 was planned.

After DS2 we started discussing if we were going to have anymore children. DH said he was happy and content with our boys and i know a lot of it was being so greatful for the happy healthy children we had. Recent family tragedy definately made us look at what we had and be extremely greatful. At the time i felt i couldn't argue with that, my boys made me so overwhelmingly happy i had no complaints. I didn't have any feelings of wanting more.

So when i realised that i was late with AF and that there was a possibility that i could be pregnant i became a little stressed/unsure/scared. For the feeling of 'this wasn't what we'd planned' and that i wasn't sure how to tell DH. We had recently committed to putting in a new kitchen and taking a loan so me working would have been really helpful. We were both in the mindset that we were happy with two.

So the day i realised i didn't rush off to get a test, DH came home and i didn't say anything. I lay awake all that night, i could not sleep at all. It bothered me so much that in the end i just had to tell DH that i was 'late'. I did and i can't remember his exact words but it was along the lines of 'well what are we going to do about it?', he was in shock. My answer to that was 'well what do you mean by that? There is nothing we can do, it's possibly already been decided that we may be having another baby'. I had been laying awake thinking it over in my own head and there was no other option for me, termination just because it wasn't in our plans but we were fully capable and equipt to have another baby was not and option for me. I got in the car at about 4am thinking that our local Coles was open but it wasn't, i so needed to know then and there just so i could relax and sleep. I didn't get a test at that time but i did sleep a little better after telling DH.

The next morning once the boys had brecky we went for a walk down to the shops and got some tests. That test was so faint i'm not even sure if i saw anything but the test the very next morning there was definately a line. Once it was confirmed DH took a very short time to come around to the realisation that we'd be having another one and to be happy and excited about it. There was a little bit of me sensing his mood to get an indication on how he was feeling for a short while but it didn't take long for him to become his normal self and then i knew all was ok.

For me the acceptance was pretty much straight away but for a fair part of my pregnancy i did battle with some guilty feelings. It was me beating myself up about her not being planned and while i loved her to bits already i couldn't help think was it the right thing for us? I don't want her to ever feel like she wasn't wanted though.

Obviously people assumed it was about trying for a girl but that was never the case. We were lucky enough to be blessed with our own little girl though :D

Everything in our life has pretty much gone to plan and this was a huge adjustment for us but my god she is the best thing. For us to have something in life that we didn't decide on but is so freaking fantastic just makes our family whole, it is the best feeling for me.

I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties your sister is going through. I could imagine it is tricky when outside influances can interfear so much with such a huge decision/realisation in the first place. The partner and his family my not like it or think of it as being ideal but it has happened and your sister can be the sole decision maker (if that's what it comes down to) on what she chooses to do with her body and and her baby. There is no going back now, there is only moving forward and you would hope that everyone will look at the situation for what it is, hopefully see a couple in love and support them with the choices they make. I know it's not that easy....

All the best, everyone handles these things differently and for the most part in the previous posts partners did come around in time. Some didn't end up working out in the long run but they give it a try.

All the best to you and your sister. I hope a happy ground can be found for everyone involved ox

All my pregnancys have been unplanned to dh the first two to me as well although we wanted them just didnt think they would happen so soon , i did warn dh if he didnt want more he was in charge of contraception, by the fourth he was like this is the last one.......this pregnancy was a surprise for both of us, we were using condoms or pulling out and i didnt want anymore so soon, he told me to get an abortion and we could have another in like 5 years i considered it for about a week but couldnt do it

Ours was unplanned, we'd been married only 6 months and I was 25 and we weren't planning kids for 3-5 years. I remember just having this gut feeling that i might be pg even though I didn't keep a good record of my cycles I thought I could be late. With encouragement from a girl at work I POAS on my lunch break - negative! A week later DH and I had a day off together and I'd woken up with sore boobies. DH joked that maybe I was pregnant?? I said "haha no I'm not I actually took a test last week". It was a box of 3 tests though so then I added "look I'll prove it to you I still have two tests in the box" ..... Needless to say 4min later I was sitting on a toilet seat with undies round my ankles and a BFP in my hands!!!! Whoooops!!! Tbh I was the most scared of telling my folks - well really mum as I remember her saying at our wedding, no grand kids for 5 years! But her reaction was surprising. She just said "oh we'll you're an adult. You and Jared will just have to make it work." ! I was expecting a big lecture ! Yes things have been tough financially but I wouldn't change things for anything. DS is the most amazing little dude, my heart just explodes with love for him all day :)
I hope everyone comes around eventually. Once the baby is born most people are usually banging down your door to see him/her!


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Thank you all for your replys. I need to get her to read about all your experiences.

She has had many ups and downs this week but she and DF are at least talking. I do believe her DF is scared, scared of his families reaction, scared of becoming a parent. My sister does not want to fight with him, she is concerned that even without this PG this relationship was going to be tough, due to the cultural differneces between families. I think she is considering termination, though the day before that she was saying she doesn't believe in termination. And that if her DF was happy about the PG, she would be the happiest girl in the world.

I'm sad at the thought I won't get to meet my neice or nephew. I'm sad that my sister has to go through this, she doesn't want our parents to know. Though I know they would be just as supportive as I am. I'm sad that her DF feels the way he does. Sometimes I think things happen for a reason, I hope her dating scan gives her the answer she is looking for.

I haven't had an unplanned pregnancy, so you can take my opinion as you like.

I think that a "man" who gets a girl pregnant, and then threatens to leave her if she won't terminate is not someone she should be with anyways. Sex makes babies. That's a fact he has known for years. He was no doubt willing to have sex, but is now unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, and the child he has fathered. If he says he'll leave her if she won't end the pregnancy, then she will be better off without him. Pregnancy or no pregnancy, a man who will leave you when you need him most is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. And, since you've said she doesn't want to terminate, she will most likely resent him for making her do it, and regret the decision for her whole life, whether she remains in a relationship with him or not.

Encourage her to look for other support. She needs her family and friends to tell her they'll be there for her. There are crisis pregnancy centers that can also provide assistance. Her DF may or may not come around, but he sure doesn't sound like a guy you'd want to build a future with.

All the best to her!

I haven't experienced an unplanned pregnancy either so cannot comment on personal experience but I am a youth worker so have had to support others in this situation (a little different I know as they're usually very young). I think it is good that they are now talking and I can understand her not wanting to tell parents etc but I think it is also important that she seek support from a counsellor or support network. Once a decision is made you cannot go back. she needs to be sure that her decision is definitely what she wants. It is too hard for you and her partner to be her only supports in this as you're both so close to the situation.

If you google unplanned pregnancy, women's health centers or community counsellors in your area you should get some numbers and names of people who can help support.

Big hugs to you all.


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My first pregnancy was unplanned, I was 17 and about to start year 12, on the pill and we were using condoms, and my ex-bf said to terminate or he would leave me but I said I wanted the baby and he didn't need to be a part of his or her life even thofugh he made my life miserable for those 2 week until I had my dating scan where the decision was pretty much taken out of my hands by everyone else, the scan showed that I was 6wks 4d and there were visible abnormalities not compatible with life, everyone told me to terminate because at my age I was too young to have to bury my own child. Looking back I know I could have done it and I regret doing what everyone else told me to do but I wouldn't have the family (or children) that I have now.

My DS was also unplanned, I was on the pill and had been dating DH for 4.5, nearly 5, months when I found out I was pregnant. I was scared to tell him as I'd only done the test on a whim (I had been on the pill but the sugar pills didn't bring on AF so I got a bit worried), he called me that night while he was at work and asked what was wrong so I told him, he was quiet and just said "ok", I panicked a bit until he got home, turned out he'd bought another test for me so he could see it for himself and he was over the moon and so excited he called all our family that night.

We've been married for just over 2 years now, and my current pregnancy was also unplanned, he didn't want any more kids and I wanted at least one more in 3-5 years time once DS was in school and DD was in pre-school or kinder so that it would be easier for, we went on our long overdue honeymoon and I came back pregnant lol my cycles had been all over the place and DD was almost 7 months old when I found out I was pregnant at 3wks 2d from LMP (approx 9-10dpo according to when we DTD, I thought I'd O'd 3 or 4 days earlier than that though as I'd been charting to keep track of everything so we would be "safe" when we DTD as the Pill doesn't agree with me).
Only reason I suspected I was pregnant was because DH fried me up some eggs which I normally love and the smell and taste made me feel queasy, which only ever happens when I'm pregnant, the first 3 tests (over 2 days) I did the lines were so faint they were almost invisible and DH couldn't see them, so the day after the 3rd test (day 3) I got a BT done which came back with HCG levels of 16 and I bought another test which came up with a definite though still faint 2nd line.
DH's first words were "What will we do?" I said "well terminating isn't an option for me after what happened with my first angel so it looks like we're having another baby".
Neither of our families were pleased with it and even said outright to both of us that I should terminate, I hate it that DH had to explain to his parents why termination wasn't an option for me, and I hate that my own brother basically told me that I was a bad parent for wanting to have another baby even though I wasn't trying as I sometimes struggle with DS and his temper tantrums/mood swings.

All in all though, I'm now a little over 20wks and we couldn't be happier, we have our ups and downs about it all but we work through it.

I hope your sister and her BF can work things through!