Have/would you accept a hand out from your family to get ahead?

My mum is offered to help us by letting us move into her house with our growing family, while she moves into a much smaller investment property for a few years to help us get ahead financially by paying quite lower than market.

After working the numbers it is obviously something that will help us a lot - giving us time to save and me the chance to return to work before we get our own house.

I'm really struggling with accepting this offer because there is no benefit at all for mum in this situation - DF thinks its a great idea because we are just living week to week now but I hate the feeling that we need help. I have always felt the need to be very independent from my parents I guess, and this just doesn't feel right.

Have you ever accepted help to get your family ahead? Were you uncomfortable with it or happy to accept help?


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Your mother is watching you get ahead so she is getting something out of it.
If it was my mum I would jump at the offer as we have a great relationship.

No I haven't, yes I would.

It may be that your mum can rearrange her finances (ie port the loan over to the house that you'll be living in) so she gets a negative gearing effect? I'm sure if she talked to a good accountant/fin planner there may be a way to do it so that she gets some financial benefit too.

It would depend on the relationship and how they would behave.

If it were my parents, I would do it if I felt it was necessary as they would honestly want to help.

However, I would not do it with my FIL as he would believe it is something that he can hold over us.

Personally, I don't think I would do it generally as I would feel that I was taking advantage. I will not behave like my sister (whole different story there).

yes I would and yes I have. My MIL lent us a lot of money at one point and we intend to pay her back with interest, but obviously she would have made more money if she had put it in the bank. It's been 2 years now and we are still years away from paying her back. I know it made her happy to be able to help, and without the help we would have been in a fairly dire situation.

No i haven't. No i wouldn't.

But that's my situation not yours! Mine would be because i have siblings, as does my husband. It would cause tension within my family - even if we all live hundreds of kms away from each other.

Would it be an arrangement that would be necessary to mention in a will if say you or your mother (or both of you) were to pass away? (Not being horrible, but this is a consideration). Do you have siblings? Would they feel cheated that you get some sort of financial hand-up and they don't?

And your mother would benefit from it - she'd get to help you get ahead, perhaps the only way she knows how. That would obviously make her happy.

Yes I would and we have. Sometimes your parents want to help and seeing you get ahead makes then happy. If you do take up the offer work hard to get ahead so that you are able to do what you set out to do and when the agreed timeframe for you to live there comes up you are ready to get your own house. If you aren't then maybe it could cause problems and your mum might feel that you didn't live up to your side :)

I'm with Lenny
I have a sibling who is constantly being giving assistance by my parents and it has and does cause tension.
But if you don't think that there will be any issues like that then I think it would be a great idea - think of it like a really early inheritance

My father is in a financial position to be generous to my DH and I. I used to feel bad accepting money from him, but he has convinced me that it gives him great pleasure to do so. We support ourselves, but dad often puts money in the bank which allows us luxuries we otherwise couldn't afford. Money also seems to appear when we are faced with large expenses such as a new car or when we recently moved house. I am very grateful for the support my dad gives us, not only financially but emotionally as well. He's a great dad and would be just as great if he didn't have money! I have older siblings and they are not aware of when, or if, dad gives us money. My sister doesn't have a great relationship with him, they haven't been close since my mum and dad split up years ago. I know dad gives her a sizable cheque each christmas and birthday. My brother is quite wealthy and I doubt he accepts much from dad financially, but they are very close emotionally. I don't really think it is any of my siblings business whether dad gives us money or not. I do know my sister would be pee'd off if she thought she was missing out.

My DH used to have issues accepting money from dad, but over the years dad has convinced DH that he does it for the pleasure it gives him and not under any duress. Years ago, dad offered to pay off our mortgage and DH hit the roof because he felt it was his place to provide for his family. I thanked dad but refused. D'oh... would love to be mortgage free these days!!!

If your mum is genuine in her offer to move to a smaller investment property, I would certainly consider it. I wouldn't accept anything from my dad which would disadvantage him or put him in a place of hardship. Perhaps your mum would enjoy caring for a smaller place, particularly if she lives alone? I think you need to sit down with your mum and your DH and suss out her motivation for the offer. If you are all happy with it, then go for it!

I would and we are. We live with mil, we contribute what we can to bills, buy food for everyone and pay a small amount of rent. It is minuscule compared to what she pays but it's all we can afford as we live week to week.

Without a doubt, yes. Anything which will make life easier and less stressful.

I'm sure, if in years to come, you're in the same situation, you would do the same for your children.

I accept money from my family if they are offering, when they know I'm in a tight spot. My grandmother gave us the majority of the money for us to buy our car (not a huge amount but it meant we could buy a bigger car when ours died and baby #3 arrived). She also brought us a clothes dryer when we needed one. My mum has paid for small things for the kids too, not things they need, but things I wanted to get them, and she often buys them. It all helps. And it makes the people helping feel good too. I feel good when I help someone, and I am in a position to help.

Definatly.

Consider how you feel about your own children and it might help you feel a bit more at ease.

I would although I would feel a little uncomfortable, I know my parents would find a way to help even if we didn't accept (ie. at birthdays, replacing things of theirs early so they can offer their old things to us etc). My dad always says that when they die, the money would end up ours anyway so they would much rather see us use it when we need it. I'm very close to my parents, admire them greatly. They allow us the means to do things with them we wouldn't be able to afford otherwise (holidays, visiting family interstate, meals out) so they enjoy that aspect. Another thing that they made sure we knew though is that any financial contribution doesn't buy them any rights to influence decisions (they have spoken about helping with the girls education but they also said it is our choice where we send them for example). My parents also often buy us things we could live without but greatly help improve our quality of life (eg a vacuum cleaner).

I have to say, I think it is odd that their would be trouble amongst siblings over it. I guess I am close to my brother because I've never felt that way even when he was bought a car during highschool to help him get to and from his work. I didn't get offered a car till 5 years later when I was pregnant with DD1. It made sense, I didn't need one before then! Same with him living there rent and bill free, it doesn't bother me and I'm sure it doesn't bother him that my parents help us out between rentals (paying the new bond while we wait for the old one) or helping with Obstitrican fees etc. Different needs and all that. I love my brother, I only want the best for him and I can't say I've ever bothered trying to work out who is getting "more" from our parents lol.

We have accepted help from DH's family. We stayed with them whilst building our most recent home, thus saving us having to rent for 18 months. We had to pay for a storage shelter for all our stuff, but that is way less than rent. We did contribute to the household budget, but they wouldn't let us pay more than a minimal amount. TBH, it helped us enormously and we are in a much better financial position because of it and we are very thankful.

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I have to say, I think it is odd that their would be trouble amongst siblings over it. I guess I am close to my brother because I've never felt that way even when he was bought a car during highschool to help him get to and from his work. I didn't get offered a car till 5 years later when I was pregnant with DD1. It made sense, I didn't need one before then! Same with him living there rent and bill free, it doesn't bother me and I'm sure it doesn't bother him that my parents help us out between rentals (paying the new bond while we wait for the old one) or helping with Obstitrican fees etc. Different needs and all that. I love my brother, I only want the best for him and I can't say I've ever bothered trying to work out who is getting "more" from our parents lol.

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it really depends on the relationship between siblings - and between parents and kids. my brother has a very strong "it should be equal, down the line" attitude - and always has. he was jealous that my folks helped me move interstate for uni (i couldn't get a license at the time due to age) - because he got nothing in return. he had dropped out of school and expected the finances my family put into getting me to uni (i supported myself while there) to be repaid to him in kind. he again got jealous when DH and I were getting married and doing things different to them, because he BELIEVED mum and dad were helping more than they helped them (we paid the whole lot ourselves!)

at christmas, mum and dad have to spend the same on all four grandkids. they do it to within dollars. they work out presents so that everyone has the same number of parcels under the tree so there is no angst.

unfortunately, that attitude to things isn't uncommon in families


as to whether i would or wouldn't accept - i have, and would - provided it wasn't going to leave the person in anyway short or disadvantage them. mum and i have helped each other out lots of times - i'll pay for something today, she'll fix me up next week. or vice verse. i've also done the same with friends. even my grandparents - they loaned me a decent amount of money, which i paid back over a period of time (with interest) - it was their investment kwim?

it sounds like the mum in the OP is perhaps looking at downsizing (my parents have mentioned it too) so that they don't have as much responsibility - and putting the OP in there is better than sellign - they get to hold onto the house etc. i would - but i'd make sure there was a lease in place to cover everyone. just because someone is family, doesn't mean things can't go wrong (trust me!)

We haven't had a handout as such - apart from furniture etc that the parents no longer needed/wanted, but we have accepted loans before - the most was $15,000 from my parents, when our home loan fell through 48 hours before settlement, and then $4,000 - $5,000 from MIL twice to pay for floorboards, or put towards a car.

In every instance we've paid the money back within 12 months (24 months for the $15,000), but it was always impressed on us that if we had to postpone repayments or awhile that was ok. None of the times did these loans require any 'interest' to be paid back on top of the loan.

Thank you so much for the replies - I really appreciate knowing that accepting help is a common thing in a lot of situations.

DF and I have been talking about it a lot today and I think I'm getting more used to the idea - I think I'll need to have a chat to mum about my siblings though. It'll be pretty clear that we are getting help, although I'm much closer to my mum than my siblings are.

Thanks again!


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I think the sibling thing is really important. My parents have given us all money and try always to be fair and all the same. But we are the kind of family that would not be resentful if it was not totally even, unless we felt someone was taking advantage of our parents generosity.

Yes definitely, we have not had to yet but my parents have helped out my sister with quite a large amount for a deposit on a house, my mum did ask how I felt about it and said that if we needed help then they would see what they could do for us too. I have no issues with it at all, I hope I am in a position to do the same for my children, I don't think all have to be treated equally. Different people tread different paths in life so have different needs, not all careers pay the same sort of pay scale so some may be in need more than others.

Yep we have from both my parents and IL's and would again should the need arise. That being said it defiantly depends on your relationship with your mum. Is your mum likely you hold this over you or anything like that? Make sure you have all the same ideas in your heads to prevent any misunderstandings.
Xxx

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We have and we will again (and be doing it soon!!!!!)

I agree with the points though about sibling jealousy - I can see how it could happen. But in our instance, both my brother and I know that it's balanced. Mum doesn't do for one and not the other. This year, we are moving to my mum's house and selling our house. Our plan is to buy land and build again. We lived there previously when we built this house. If my brother needed the same favour, he could have it too. This time around it's a bit different because we're going to be living there for a few years and my parents will be travelling around during that time, so we're living on our own, rent and mortgage free. It's a massive financial opportunity for us (unless we find land really quickly and begin paying a mortgage on that), but it's a favour for them because they know they can leave and not worry about their home - it won't sit empty and it will be well taken care of. We know during the time they're away, things will need replacing (big things too - the oven is on it's way out, etc) and we'll just replace it as more thanks to them for letting us stay.

We have on quite a few occasions, simply put DH & I have always had low paying jobs barely making ends meet, so mum & dad would come over see how stressed we were & would leave a $note on the table (or in my bag) Now DH & I are both studying to better our chances of a career (& we are pretty much getting the same amount as when we were working) Mum & dad have said they want to help us however they can, also with the understanding that when they are too old to take care of each other that we will help provide for them (that has always been the case). Now I'm 1 of 6 kids, I've found that at different times mum & dad have helped us all wheather it be money, using one of the cars for extended time or even letting us live in their house(s) (they used to own several investment properties).

Mum explained it to me like this:
"you will always be my child, I don't like seeing you stressed especially when I can help- & I know that if I help when I can, that whenever I need help you all will follow my example & chip in to help."

My best advice is talk with your family (siblings, parents etc.) sort out expectations & motives, then make a decision from there. Best of luck!

I have and would accept monetary help, I've also given my parents money lots of times. I have no idea if it actually evens out or not, but we all feel happy with the situation. My parents also give my sibiings monetary help when required. Sometimes, I have a problem with this with one of my siblings (eep!), because it feels like they expect money out of entitlement, not out of generosity and I'm not aware of money being paid back which does put my parents in financial straits.

I think as long as you check that everyone is ok financially, then it's ok. And while I have an opinion on one of my siblings, honestly it's none of my business as long as my parents are ok with it.

Yes we have gratefully accepted help from my parents. If they were manipulative and were likely to hold it over us then we wouldn't have accepted but we have a good relationship and I know the offer was genuine. It has really helped us to get us into a position where we are a bit more financially secure.

Yes, I have and I would. I always think - what what you do if it was your child? How would you feel to see them struggle when you know you can do something about it?

Yes I have and looking to do it again. My siblings have borrowed money before to get ahead and they are all very financially well off now. I'm struggling due to my circumstances and took backwards steps financially just before I left XH. So my mum is looking to help me buy another house. It is going to be written into the will by a lawyer in case I haven't payed it back and she suddenly passes away. While my siblings won't mind my parents helping me we will want to keep it fair in that circumstance.

My parents get great joy in being generous to their children. They don't like to be asked or pressured into giving, but they will offer if they see any of us in trouble, financially or emotionally.


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Yep, have and would do it again if we needed to.

IL's loaned us the deposit for our first house. We've since paid them back. They also loaned BIL money when he was starting up his business. I don't know about SIL but I'm sure if she needed it, she'd have been given it. No angst... they loan, they get paid back. That way it is fair.

My parents are a bit different. My sister, BIL, niece and nephew live with my parents. My parents put on a massive extension ($150k+) so that sister could move in there. She pays "board", which means it goes towards the mortgage and bills. Lots of their other expenses are run through the family business.

And it bothers me. I love my sister but I sort of see it as a "free ride" - they have no plans to move out, now or in the future.

And I can see it getting very messy when my parents pass away - the house is in their name, therefore I am entitled to half of it. According to their will, anyway. What kind of a sister does it make me if I kick her out and sell the house? She's going to have to get a mortgage and buy me out... messy messy messy.

ETA: in the right situation, I see it being a wonderful way for parents to be generous to their kids. If this is going to help you, go for it :)

Thanks so much - you've given me lots of different things to think about. I'm definitely going to talk a few more details out with mum before we decide for sure.

I'm feeling more and more ok with the idea the more I talk about it - I think the idea of not feeling so hopeless about our financial future is very appealing.


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My PIL's have quite a few houses and recently they bought a new one and are renting it to my sil and her fam. To us it is not bad because we know how much they are struggling and the Canberra rental market is RIDICULOUS for rent so our pil's did what they needed to so they could get a place abd still afford to live. My other sil still lives in their house but rents the upstairs with a friend (downstairs is a complete flat and thats where the Pil's live).
We get subsidised rent with defence so it is really no different to us.
If dh's parents bought a house up here and offered for us to live in it we would take it for sure because we would be allowed to make it our own home but still actually be helping the family because it is an investment property and adds value to their portfolio for retirement.

You need to do what YOU feel is right, if you hve a great relationship then take it. She obviously wants you guys to be happy and be able to save for your future!! It is an incredible offer but you guys have to be 100% sure :)
Hugs and hope you have clarity in what to do!!


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