Would you let somebody else discipline your child?

Lets just say you take your child over to a friends/relatives house and you leave the room for a minute to go to the bathroom or get a drink and while you are gone your child breaks one of your friends belongings or hits their child would it upset you if your friend/relative told off your child and sent them to time out?

I, myself have no issue with a friend or relative telling off my children if they do something naughty and i don't see it. The way i see it is i didn't see the action and especially if its somebody elses house i think they can let my child know what they did was not nice and won't be tolerated.

My mum has told off my DD a few times, i wouldn't go as far as to let anybody else smack my child but a stern "no, that was very naughty" is fine by me. And DP feels the same. But i know some people are very sensitive about that.

So again, just a healthy discussion about YOUR thoughts. No judgements of others who wouldn't have a problem.

I think if kids were only pulled up by mum & dad, & noone else, they would soon start to think that the second mum & dad are out of sight, they can play up.

You'll find though, that a stern word from someone outside mum & dad will often have better chance of being taken seriously, that when it comes from them. Kids like to know that others think they are great kids & will usually act that way around them.

Its a completely different relationship.

But, even though I may smack my children occasionally, no, I don't feel comfortable with someone else doing it. That is my personal decision as their mother.

I have no issue with my parents or my close friends (who know my kids well) disciplining my children. Whenever my parents stay with us I tell them to feel free to growl, put them in time out etc if the boys do something to deserve it. Luckily for my kids, my parents are softies!

I have a couple of close girlfriends who I've actually asked to "speak" to my kids if we're at their house. Half the time my boys won't listen to me when they're asked to behave, but the minute one of my friends uses a stern tone and asks them to behave, they snap into line so quickly it's a wonder their necks don't break.

I'd draw the line at people I don't know well telling my kids off (and I'd be extremely unhappy if they smacked) ... but then again, my boys are pretty good when out and generally don't give people (outside DH and I) reason to get cranky.

Nobody had ever want to smack my children. That would never be acceptable to me ever. I have no issue with people telling my girls 'No' if they are doing something they should not be but if I am around I ask them to explain more then just saying 'No'. That is how I do it and it works for us and my girls respond to it. I have not had the issue of them doing something while I am not around and had to be told that this is what we did to discipline them. I have very well behaved girls, this was reaffirmed to me after going to a party at lollipops on the weekend. Never again:0

My ILs, my family and close friends - no, no problems at all. He needs to learn that what he did was wrong and that he can't/won't get away with being naughty


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - even though I should be cleaning or sleeping ;)

For sure - my girls stay at my mum's and MIL's overnight without us and if they did something they shouldn't then I would expect them to be disciplined. Also my mum looks after the girls one day a week while I am at work so it wouldn't be right if she couldn't do that.

If I was at someone's house and my girls did something that wasn't acceptable in their house then I would expect that person to say something to them. There are things we do at home that other people don't and the girls need to know that sometimes different rules apply so I wouldn't have a problem with that either.

As far as smacking goes, we don't do it, my parents and IL's don't do it and I wouldn't expect anyone else to do it to my child.

Oh definitely only close friends! But if my child at a playground hit another child i'd hope the other parent would speak up and say it wasn't nice, i wouldn't take to my child being abused by a stranger. I have told other children to play nice and be gentle to my DD as she is always the smallest when we go to playgrounds.

I'm lucky that my FIL doesn't like misbehaving children and he on his last visit had a bit of a growl at DD for not eating her dinner and throwing it everywhere. The look on her face when someone else growled at her...:o, but she listened and sat there nicely. Its just good sometimes to have back up from someone else.

It takes a village to raise a child ;)

Would I have a problem? No...as long as the methods used were in line with how I choose to parent. For example, I dislike the use of the word 'naughty' and if someone called my child naughty I'd ask them not to. Same with yelling at them, 'tapping' or smacking, mocking or things like 'don't act like a baby' etc. If someone was in a situation where they needed to discipline DD, that is fine, I don't presume to raise all of my children on my own or in a bubble, but only within the methods I myself would use.

No I have no issues with other people disiplining my children. Within reason of course, and within the bounds of my own disipline techniques. I have a few friends who are comfortable enough to disipline my children, and vice versa. We all have very similar parenting styles. My family (my mum, brother, SIL) also have similar values ect so again Ihave no problems about it.

And I agree that the children learn alot more from getting disiplined by people other than parents. Besides that, if we are in their home, or the behaviour is affecting them or their child while we are int heir company, my children need to learn those limits, and that it's not ok.

But I would NEVER let another person smack my children. I really try not to do it, and very rarely do it, and would not condone another person smacking them or reacting to them in any kind of aggressive or violent manner.

I will also say that i hate people that interfer with my parenting. If i have said no or got my child into trouble NO that doesn't mean swoon in and offer my child cake or tell them its ok. No its not ok she came up to me and hit me in the face! Or calling me a "mean mum"...

nope, no problem but its got to be within reason and done the way i would do it, ie, not smacking, not yelling just getting down on his level and telling him no, he cant do xyz because of xyz IYKWIM. i tend to be a bit wary doing it myself tho with other people kids (except people who i know wouldnt mind) cos i know a few times i have asked a friends lil boy (who is a pusher) to stop and my friend got a bit funny about it. i would like people around me to pull DS up more, he gets away with murder with my MIL & FIL.

I would have no problem with it if it was reasonable and done in a respectful manner towards my child. I would be horrified if another person took it upon themselves to smack my child as i do not do it myself.

I do believe that it can be a good thing for children to learn discipline and different boundries from various adults in various souroundings.

If i am ever in the situation where something needs to be said to settle children down a little or change their game as it is something i don't approve of in my house i will say something but i will do it so as all involved are being spoken to and not singling out anyone in particular.

Once my children were at a family get together with my DH and i was not there. DH came home and told me that my newphew (how can be a bit of a cheeky one to put it nicely) decided to just pull my DS1's pants down in the middle of the room with no motivation at all, DS was 4 and nephew was 6. I was so horrified when DH told me, he said that he mentioned it to the parents and they just laughed it off but my gosh if i was there i don't know what i would have done. I would never have touched the child obviously but i would make it quite clear (with everyone watching if that was the case) that he is never to do that to my child ever again. So yes in an insatance like that especially if the parenst are going to do nothing about it i would say something.

I'm doing my best to bring up my childred as well mannered and respectful human beings.

I would never send anyone elses child to time-out etc but I would not hesitate to pull them up verbally on bad behaviour. I go out with my Sister and my niece all the time and I treat my niece the same way I treat my DS. I expect that my Sister would do the same in reverse.

I can't stand other people (*cough*MIL*cough* - she's the only one that does) "telling off" DS. I don't mind if he, for example, hits someone and they say "be gentle please, hitting hurts" which is normally enough. But I do take issue with people adopting a stern voice and having a go at him. Especially since he is Always within my earshot but they jump on him before I have a chance to speak to him. And never listen when I try to explain to them to use positive language (telling him what you want him to do rather than what not to do) and just do their own thing, which he never listens to. :wall:
Erm /vent


I guess what I'm saying is that they can tell him what he is doing is not nice, but gently and in line with the way I parent. Very rarely does his behaviour warrant anything more than a simple explanation, so having people tell him off when it's unneccesary really urks me.

I have spoken to other peoples children, but it's always the same way I speak to DS; "please be gentle, x hurts" I would never send someone elses child to timeout :o maybe that's because I don't like the idea of timeout myself, maybe it's not, but the thought of it makes me really uncomfortable. I may ask the child to play somewhere else or move DS away if they persist.

Yes I would! Pretty much what PZ said. How else are they supposed to learn respect for the human race and not just their parents. Obviously it has to be done respectfully to the child. But it's part of learning I believe. I have a big family and I encourage them all to. I think it's important. On the flip side if someone overdoes it I would let them know away from my child.

Also, I would be extremely peeved if somebody didn't give me a chance to discipline DD myself first (granted I was right there). I wouldn't be okay with someone just yelling 'NO!' and DD not knowing why or what to do because she wasn't used to that.

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Also, I would be extremely peeved if somebody didn't give me a chance to discipline DD myself first (granted I was right there). I wouldn't be okay with someone just yelling 'NO!' and DD not knowing why or what to do because she wasn't used to that.

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Oh definitely! If i am right there i wouldn't want someone else, unless it was DP to say something. But if my back was turned or i was in another room then yes say something.

My mum has at times interferred but its reflex shes so used to growling at her own kids and i can see she feels bad but sometimes that does the trick and whatever DD was doing she's stopped. But whenever mum is here im always fluffing around cleaning lol

This exact issue is a BIG one with my extended (and DP's ) family ... so many dramas!

I personally am a big believer of the Village mentality, as PZ said, "it takes a village to raise a child"

When we have family gatherings, I am busy preparing food, running around etc..the aunties and uncles are around with all the other kids, I have no problem with them taking J aside and telling him he is being too rough, or to play gently etc..
I would take issue with them hitting or smacking him though (another BIG issue here)

One of my SIL's has issues with ANYONE other than her saying ANYTHING to her son...I think that if one is to have that mind set then that person needs to be next to their child at every second to be there when stuff happens.
For eg: Xmas party at our house.

Dp's Cousin found an ipod/iphone on the table, asked whose it was, some one said Z's (my nephew, SIL's son) but cousins partner has a son of the same name who was there also, cousin thought it was meant that it was the older Z's so he put it in his pocket, along comes nephew, who demands his ipod back (not very nicely) cousin says something along the lines of "no way, not with that attitude" Z gets very frustrated/angry and keeps trying to snatch it out of cousins pocket, cousin stands up to go find SIL, so Z picks up a glass bottle and tells cousin he is going to smash him with it (nephew is 7 btw)
SIL'S partner has seen/heard whats going on, SIL comes outside, grabs ipod off cousin and gives it to Z who then taunts cousin with "haha I got it now, sucked in" SIL puts Z in time out.
meanwhile...I am out the back putting up decos (lalalalala....) when SIL marches out with Z and sits him down, cousins partner is helping me decorate, SIL walks away to leave Z with us, Z starts punching his arm, cousins partner says "why are you doing that?" Z answers that he is making his muscles hard so he can go and bash cousin.
Cousins partner says in a very stern voice how wrong that is and goes on and on and on .... I eventually try to change the subject, to take some heat off of Z, I can tell he is not listening anyway.
SIL is ropeable that a) cousin didnt give Z the ipod and b) that cousins partner DARED say ANYTHING to her son.

like I said, she had absolutely no clue as to what had happened or was going on, she has said that if she didnt witness it she cant do anything about it, but heaven help anyone who says/does anything to Z. theres a problem there....

anyway sorry about that long story, my point is that there are people who have problems with it, but what to do? what to say? I dont know and I am still trying to figure it out in regards to my family.
I have no issue with it with my son :)

discipline? yes. punish? no.

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It takes a village to raise a child ;)

Would I have a problem? No...as long as the methods used were in line with how I choose to parent. For example, I dislike the use of the word 'naughty' and if someone called my child naughty I'd ask them not to. Same with yelling at them, 'tapping' or smacking, mocking or things like 'don't act like a baby' etc. If someone was in a situation where they needed to discipline DD, that is fine, I don't presume to raise all of my children on my own or in a bubble, but only within the methods I myself would use.

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yeah, that. Well said :)

I have no problem with someone saying to my DD " don't do xyz, because it's dangerous, not nice' etc....
I wouldn't expect anyone to yell though.
My family know how we parent and follow the same 'rules' that we do.
Which is good, because they often have DD for the day/night.
However, I would never allow another person to smack or even touch my child, unless they were doing so to push/pull them out of danger or a dangerous situation.

I think that under no circumstances should anyone EVER lay a hand on another child. Personally I think it is best to parent without ever using smacking but there's a gap between my philosophy and my practice: I confess that I have smacked on occasion and I'm not proud of it and wouldn't recommend it - it's a really ineffective parenting technique and there are heaps more better ones. But no way should we ever lay a hand on other people's children - even if smacking is something we allow in our own parenting tool box.

I absolutely hated and sexism and racism that oozed between every line of the book "The Slap" - how that author annoyed me! (I'm his worst natural enemy: white, Christian, a home-birther, a mother, a woman, a breast-feeder, against domestic violence, against subordination of women, for women having the choice to gain higher education and work outside the home ...) But how annoying that the point of the story became "to slap or not to slap" and the obnoxious little boy's behaviour, and "who's side are you on" rubbish - when the glaring point to me was: the man who slapped the child also hits his wife. He feels he is entitled to violence. Never mind the boy's behaviours and all the "society is going to wrack and ruin" angst - look at the man's behaviour. Look at his entitlement and how his violence is condoned and excused. There's your wrack and ruin - not the stupid homebirthing breastfeeder pre-occupied with an alcoholic narcissistic husband who is not enforcing boundaries consistently enough!

But I digress ... :lol:

However I don't have a problem with people asserting their boundaries in a reasonable way, which may sometimes involve chastening for my children. Like an irate shopper who says somewhat testily, "EXCUSE ME!" when my children are blocking the way. Or if someone shushes them during a movie or concert. That's just natural consequences.

One time a young boy barrelled into my daughter and deliberately pushed her over. I saw the whole thing - he did not know I was watching. I knelt right down in front of him, looked him in the eye and said, "That is my daughter and she is precious to me. If you ever touch her again, you will be in big trouble with ME!" Boy he got a shock. But I did not lay a hand on him of course.

If I do speak to other people's children, I tone it down and keep it brief - it's not my right to discipline them, I only say just enough to uphold my/our boundaries.

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discipline? yes. punish? no.

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I agree. I don't see the problem with others teaching my child social norms and considerate behaviour. I send my son to preschool so I expect him to be taught by others.

But some of the examples such as time out etc are punishments and I don't believe in adult directed "consequences" so I would not be happy for someone else to do that to my child.

I comfortably comment on other children's behaviour if I feel it's needed, such as "He had that toy, I can see another one over there you can have" if I see a child snatch something off another child and upset them and I'm more than happy for others to do the same with my children.

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I agree. I don't see the problem with other's teaching my child social norms and considerate behaviour. I send my son to preschool so I expect him to be taught by others.

But some of the examples such as time out etc are punishments and I don't believe in adult directed "consequences" so I would not be happy for someone else to do that to my child.

I comfortably comment on other children's behaviour if I feel it's needed, such as "He had that toy, I can see another one over there you can have" if I see a child snatch something off another child and upset them and I'm more than happy for other's to do the same with my children.

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Yep that ^^

I have no issue with other telling my children to stop a behaviour which is dangerous or harmful to others. If my child is in someone else's home, I expect them to abide by their rules and I expect the same of children visiting my home. It might be ok to jump on the couch at your place but it's not ok at mine. However, i do 'tone it down' if I am enforcing a rule in my home with someone else's child, as a PP said. I would never yell at someone else's kid and I expect the same of other parent's towards my own children. A simple 'please don't do that, we don't jump on the couches here' is fine. I would never punish someone else's child and I would be horrified if someone punished mine. I would also expect to be given the opportunity to discipline my own children if I am present. However, if a kid is at my house, jumping on my couch and the parent says nothing (maybe it's ok at their house!) I will still speak up. If my children misbehave at someone else's home, I'll be right onto it. I dislike strangers in public places disciplining my children unless the issue is a safety one. I would have no problem with someone at the park saying 'You need to share the swing, could this little boy have a turn now' if my kids are hogging the equipment, but I would not like someone to tell my child in a cafe 'you shouldn't slurp your milkshake, it's very bad manners'.

A lot of posters have said that they are fine with other people disciplining their children as long as it falls within the bounds of their own parenting philosophies, but how does a stranger have any idea what your philosophies are??