Having more children- What are your criteria?

So a discussion with my baby buds and another thread here on BB, has made me wonder, what things are the deciding factors for you, in you adding another child to your families? Is it money, the emotional side of things, you feel finished with how your family is now....

For my DH, money is a big deciding factor. He came from a low income family and didn't get much at all. He was the youngest of 3 boys, so got ALL hand me downs, they had to wear shoes til they wore out, no matter if they fit well or not. They only got 3 very basic meals a day and 1 piece of fruit. They didn't go on family holidays at all. It's affected him so much he remembers that stuff now. He missed school excursions and camps and his formal and alot of other opportunities.

Which is why he doesn't want to stretch our budget too thin. He wants to give the kids everything they want. And then some. Which I do too, but I think we would manage. I came from a pretty middle income home, I got most of what I wanted, but nothing extravagant. No overseas holidays or even interstate for that matter. But we went on small holidays to my aunty's caravan, and to one of dad's friends holiday house at the beach, it was fun, it was enough. My kids would get all they needed, and probably just have to compromise a little on things like extra curricular stuff and big holidays wouldn't be very often. But I think that the love, and having a new child/sibling would outweigh that stuff.

For me, it's whether or not I could go through another pg with 3 kids to care for and then the newborn/baby stages. In pg, I get SPD, my back got so bad at the end of DS2's pg I could barely walk some days. Emotionally, I am stretched when they are babies. The dependance they have on you, breastfeeding, the loss of personal space....and the sleepless nights kill me. I have suffered with post natal and ante natal depression and anxiety with all of my pg's and babies. Now DS2 is getting bigger, I am getting better with my depression, so it is a temporary thing, but can I do it to my family again? Or to me? Could I manage another two or three years of feeling like a failure and just feeling generally crappy? I know it won't last, but...well, there's a 'but'! With my other pg's there wasn't ever a 'but'.

For us, it's a pretty moot subject though, and I should stop thinking about it, lol!! Because DH just doesn't want anymore anyway!

I need a decent man. That's all ;)

I have always wanted to start TTC #2 in June next year. For myself and DH:

-We need to be stable in our relationship and emotionally before we have another baby. June 2013 is 15 months away. So either, we will just have gotten to a place in our relationship I am happy with, or we will still be a way off.

-I'd like to have a bit more savings than we did this time. Not that we really struggled, but for unexpected circumstances it'd be nice to have more of a nest egg. DH's wage right now is adequate for a 3 person family where one of us is a baby, by #2 he'll have finished university.

That's honestly all I can think of. So far I haven't found the baby phase too expensive. DD still cosleeps, we plan on doing that for probably another 6 months to a year. So the next baby would be in our bed/room for that period of time too. Also I have to factor in the time it may take us to conceive. We may get pregnant straight away (although extremely unlikely!) and that would be great! But it could also take another 2+ years. We want our family (3 children) completed before 30 with a space of at least two years so we need to time as well as we can.

For us the biggest disadvantages to us having this bub are primarily age of both DH and I, and a secondary consideration is money. We ended up deciding that we'd have enough money to get by, and a loving family that had a good, active life together was far more beneficial to our kids than any overseas holiday. The biggest deciding factor for me was the conclusion I reached that while I may regret the decision to not have another baby, there is absolutely no way I could regret the existence of that baby once she is in my arms.

FWIW my DH didn't want any more kids either. I made sure I was positive in my own head that I wanted another one and then raised it with him, and then let him go away and think about it for a while. Fortunately he came to the same conclusions as me.

For me i just feel content with the 2 we have, i have always said i would prefer to be able to give them what they need (read need not WANT) and any extra we can provide and also allow us as a family to do the things we'd like without looking back in 10yrs time saying ïf only we'd stopped at 2"or "imagine what we could have done".

Our girls are by no means spoilt rottne but they do at times get more than other kids their age, but i prefer to give them an experience and often that means less FOR them and more on something we like. ie. the boat - DP has spent quite a bit lately getting it ship shape and while it's no million $ cruiser or anything it's perfect for us, we take the kids fishing, it will be strong enough to put a biscuit behind and the memories our girls will have or growing up with that boat and that time as a family will be wonderful... i know because they are the memories I have of growing up.

Even if i won tatts, paid off my house and had no debts or a care in the world i would still just want it to be us and our girls.

For us it was money and emotional. We both came from single child families and always wanted to have more than one child. We also considered the sleeplessness and decided that we should have them close as if we waited 3-4 years to have the next one and everyone was sleeping, to go back to the newborn/baby sleepless nights would just kill us. We both love our sleep, so we figured we shoudl just get it all over and done with. I also always wanted more than one baby, and would regret not having at least 2.

Money is also an issue for us, I came from the same background as you 3littlemonkeys, but my husband was simlar to yours. Never got anything or went anywhere, just had to work on his step dads plant farm and hated it. So he really wants to be able to give our children everything. DH has a good job, and is currently looking for something that pays more so that should be ok with 2.

I had anxiety too after DD birth due to Low Supply, Lack of Support from medical professionals and DD reflux. I am mostly over it however and feel that I could handle another. I agree about the extra love, this is part of the reason we want to have 3 children, lots of love and family in the house :) I do sometimes worry about being PG and having DD still be littler than I wanted (we were talking about DD being 2 before the next one arrived) however I also feel now I'm over 30 I dont want to wait too long and risk not being able to have anymore, and I wanted to have all my children before I was 35/36.

My family are a bit funny about us wanting our children close together, but I think it is nice for siblings to be closer together personally. My mother is pretty against us having another baby and after feeling awful like I was taking something away from DD, I figured I should definatley have the family I wanted, and I would make sure DD would not miss out on things as a result.

Some of my ramblings anyway :)

I'm waiting for grand-kids. All the fun and love of children without the pressure to do a good job parenting them.

We are having number 4. The biggest reason for stopping after this one is space. I don't think we could fit another one anywhere. We also want to send the kids all to private school which cost. So to have another one we would need a bigger house so money is a big factor. I think I would go for number 5 if we had a bigger house.


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I need a decent man. That's all ;)

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Yep, a good man would help....:)

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We ended up deciding that we'd have enough money to get by, and a loving family that had a good, active life together was far more beneficial to our kids than any overseas holiday. The biggest deciding factor for me was the conclusion I reached that while I may regret the decision to not have another baby, there is absolutely no way I could regret the existence of that baby once she is in my arms.

FWIW my DH didn't want any more kids either. I made sure I was positive in my own head that I wanted another one and then raised it with him, and then let him go away and think about it for a while. Fortunately he came to the same conclusions as me.

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My DH also came to that conclusion when I asked if we could have a #3 too. So #4 is REALLY out of the question for us! He had only wanted 2 children but also didn't want me feeling any kind of regret because of him or towards him. So we talked, he though about it all and decided that any child would be loved no matter what, so having another wouldn't be so bad!

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We also considered the sleeplessness and decided that we should have them close as if we waited 3-4 years to have the next one and everyone was sleeping, to go back to the newborn/baby sleepless nights would just kill us. We both love our sleep, so we figured we shoudl just get it all over and done with.
I had anxiety too after DD birth due to Low Supply, Lack of Support from medical professionals and DD reflux. I am mostly over it however and feel that I could handle another. I agree about the extra love, this is part of the reason we want to have 3 children, lots of love and family in the house :) I do sometimes worry about being PG and having DD still be littler than I wanted (we were talking about DD being 2 before the next one arrived) however I also feel now I'm over 30 I dont want to wait too long and risk not being able to have anymore, and I wanted to have all my children before I was 35/36.
My family are a bit funny about us wanting our children close together, but I think it is nice for siblings to be closer together personally. My mother is pretty against us having another baby and after feeling awful like I was taking something away from DD, I figured I should definatley have the family I wanted, and I would make sure DD would not miss out on things as a result.
Some of my ramblings anyway :)

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Your reasons are all very similar to my reasons for having our children close together. Though we ideally did want a bigger gap thatn 16mths between #1 and #2, it has turned out to be great. A bit of a struggle for me in the beginning with really sleepless nights and having to go back to work because of monetary issues (not having a chance to save up for another bub!) but it's all worked out and we are all healthy and pretty happy now! And don't worry about other peoples opinions, if it is right for you and your family, then that is all that matters to you and your family!

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I'm waiting for grand-kids. All the fun and love of children without the pressure to do a good job parenting them.

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Grandkids sound awesome don't they?? I wish you could go straight to grandkids and miss the kids part in the middle, lol! I'm hoping my kids give me a plethora of grandchildren...or I might have to 'adopt' some :)

i am waiting for DH to grow a womb. i don't think i can do another pregnancy.

We talked about space and money. We needed a bigger house anyway, as a family of four (with a LOT of "stuff" due to tradie DH and both being scuba divers) we needed more space so we were already looking at a bigger house, so we just made sure we bought one we could afford that had four bedrooms. And plenty of space.

We also knew we'd need a new car as we went from 3 to 4, so we made sure we bought a car big enough if we grew to a family of 5.

In hindsight, we were already heading down that path, so I don't know why people have been so surprised when we told them about #3 and now #4 (who will be 3)? :dunno:

We probably aren't in the best place financially, but we don't want too big an age gap between the kids. There will already be more than we'd like between DS and this one. We both felt like we weren't *done*. There is something missing in our little family. Having three will be tough - mentally and financially - but we are both up for it.

SPD is the major factor for me. It took me 18 months to recover first time around and second time around I was told that I'd be wheelchair bound at 7 weeks so I had to take it very easy and virtually not walk for the last six months of pregnancy. It means I won't be able to look after DDs very well while pregnant apart from the mental frustration of not being able to do very much and the pain. Oh, I had gestational diabetes too which is also a factor though TBH injecting myself with insulin was a complete walk in the park compared to SPD.

So, if we were to have another I'd want a big age gap - 3 or 4 years so that the physical challenges of toddlerdom (picking DD up to get her out of trouble, into the car, running after her while out and about) are over. Realistically, given my age, that makes it impossible for us.

The only way we could try for another right now is to put them both into childcare for five days a week - not something I want to do.

Financially, we're fine. I come from a very low income household - I used to envy the kids in council housing because their house was better than ours :). I don't want to give my kids the world, I think my life is much better because I realise that 'stuff' doesn't make you happy and that I'm very lucky to actually have more stuff than I ever imagined. They will have much more than I did but probably not as much as we can actually afford, if that makes sense. We chose to move to a small community where I think most people have the same sort of income/values. In other words, no-one will get substantially more than our DDs.

Fionas - would a Nanny/au pair be doable? Rather than putting 2 in child care? I have no idea how much either costs.

For me, we have no living children, so we desperately want just one. When we think we may be able to manage the terror of the possibility of losing another bub, then we might try again.

I want 3 DH only wants 2.

His main reasoning is the finiancial side of it. For us to stay in area we are we would need to spend a lot to get a bigger house. We are inner suburbs and love it here.
To maintain lifestlye we have now he feels we could not afford 3, as at age they are at now is not $ but in years to come with school, music, extra curricular activities etc it would be a lot. Not currently fussed at private school option but want it to be ok if we did choose this.

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Fionas - would a Nanny/au pair be doable? Rather than putting 2 in child care? I have no idea how much either costs.

For me, we have no living children, so we desperately want just one. When we think we may be able to manage the terror of the possibility of losing another bub, then we might try again.

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:hug:

I don't know if I could go through another m/c and then have the worry through pregnancy. DH is sure that this is it. I wasn't sure after DD that I wanted to go back for another, especially after spotting right through the pregnancy with her and then having 11 months of her in a brace for hip dysplasia. There are pretty high chances of us having a baby with it again. But we always spoke about having two and here we are. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel once this one is born, but I'm pretty sure I won't cope emotionally and definitely not financially through a third pregnancy and baby. Plus I'm feeling that bit older and I thought a long time ago that if I was to have kids it would be before now. But that's okay, fine with how that is.

Hmmm too many to list. Very conflicted at our house at the moment.

Financially stable- or more stable at least.
We need to have moved into our own place (buying is preferable, but I'd settle for a rental) as we currently live with MIL and she (understandably) doesn't want another baby in the house.
We need to be able to comfortably buy food, clothes, pay bills etc without having to stress all the time and live week to week like we do ATM.
I'd also like to be putting a little away for savings each week.

Man.. That is never going to happen :/

You mean I get a choice? My criteria matter?

In which case, I'm pregnant with my third.

financially we'd need to be in a better place to consider #3. i think we'd both like a 3rd but we would like a larger house (sometimes it feels really cramped & that's before #2 arrives) and i would definitely need a new car. i would probably need to work a fair bit before it would be possible but i'm no spring chicken so time would be a factor - meaning we'd have to consider it before i was really able to return to work full time.

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I want 3 DH only wants 2.

His main reasoning is the finiancial side of it. For us to stay in area we are we would need to spend a lot to get a bigger house. We are inner suburbs and love it here.
To maintain lifestlye we have now he feels we could not afford 3, as at age they are at now is not $ but in years to come with school, music, extra curricular activities etc it would be a lot. Not currently fussed at private school option but want it to be ok if we did choose this.

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This is exactly our position. Financially we would be fine with 2 but 3 is a different story. I would love a 3rd child but I need to see how we cope with 2 first!! Luckily I have age on my side so technically I could wait 5-6 years and perhaps if we're in a different position we could look at trying again. It sucks how it all comes down to money for us :(

We always said 3 or 4 but DH is considering changing his mind cos we are finding out that the myriad of issues I had while pg with DS are looking like they are going to be issues throughout this pg too and he has to pick up a lot of slack. I would rather we not be living week to week for no. 3 (were also hoping that for no. 2 lol). And out would have been nice if this time around DS was old enough to understand my limitations.

That being said we have had some interesting comments already from family about being pg already/again.

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For me is was an age thing....and the fact we had to go through IVF to get No2. If not for that I would have loved to have at least one more.
For DH it was money. Even when I said I want to go for No2 he was hesitant. He never had much growing up either so I think he wants to make sure he can enjoy life as he gets older (he also has two other kids he supports).
It took a while for him to understand my need for another bubs and the fact that I don't think money is an issue (we are both working and on good incomes) and once he finishes paying for his older kids in a couple of years we will be in a very comfortable financial position.