If you had a prem baby, would you want everyone to rush to the hospital?

Hi all,

My colleagues step daughter has just given birth or is about to give birth to her baby at around 25 weeks. Not good.

My colleague has taken leave from work (not a problem) for a few days to be at the hospital. Her dad, mum and a few other relatives have also headed to the hospital. Her husband is also there.

Maybe this is just me, but I couldn't think of anything worse. I guess I'd be so focused on being with my baby and talking to the doctors that I don't think I'd have the time or the headspace for their presence. Whilst I know they would all be very well meaning and want to offer support, I don't know that I would want them there.

Just my musings. What's your thoughts, either from real experience or hypothetical?

Fiona

I don't think theyd be allowed in to see such a small premmie anyway would they? It would be parents only? I don't know how I'd feel. I'm not the type of person who needs to have a heap of people around me, so I would probably prefer to have just my DH there. People could give me more practical support by helping at home ITMS.

Like Trillian said, they probably would not be allowed in anyway. In times of crisis people like to congregate at places close to the issue. Even if they can't do or see anything they still like to be there. I don't know what I would like but I know at times when a family member has been in hospital I have wanted to go there and even if I only got 2 minutes to show my love then that was enough for me.

I would want my mother, brother and father (if he were living) close by if that happened to me, I assume DH would too. Not just for the support *if I wanted it* (if I didn't they'd back off) but in case it all didn't go well and my baby passed :( They'd all be in one place already. I don't know, that's how I see it. I'll be thinking about your colleague and I hope she and her bub are okay.

A friend of mine went into hospital in labour at 22 weeks, she specifically asked for a couple of girlfriends in addition to her husband to be with her. The hospital managed to delay her labour for a few weeks, and in that time she was very grateful for any visitors, as she couldn't do anything at all. Once bub was born it was pretty much immediate family though. I think it's a pretty personal thing, it's more than just the labour, there's the whole emotional side to having such a premature bub. I know where you're coming from though, I don't think I'd want a heap of people around.

I don't think so. I know I'd want DH there, but I don't think anyone in my family would come running in while I was birthing unless I asked for them. But after I'd given birth, I think I'd want family to come. I would feel horrible if something was to go wrong and nobody had met our baby. I don't know how I'd feel with people beyond that, guess I'd just take it how it came at the time.

I think I'd want my DH and my mum. I wouldn't want heaps of other people around, but I would be ok with a support person for DH as well. Of course completely hypothetical and I too hope your colleague's family is ok

Not exactly the same situation, but when my dd1 was born she needed surgery at 48hrs old. We were told it probably wouldn't save her do get everyone we wanted to say goodbye to the nicu, DH and I were already there, and my mum was the only one who could make it in time before they took her to theatre.....my mum,dad and sister and mil all wanted to come and wait for her to come out, but I was waaaay too overwhelmed and emotional, I only wanted DH. They were good about it and waited til she was out of recovery and back to nicu, by then it was 9pm, so they came up first thing the next morning as she was relatively stable.

I guess everyone reacts differently, and you don't know how you will until in that situation. I thoyght I'd want everyone around me, but emotionally I just couldnt handle other people being upset as it took all my energy to keep myself together

(didn't read replies)

We had my parents and MIL present when DD was born. We knew she was very sick and would be transfered to RCH immediately.
I enjoyed having support from my parents, as I'm sure DH liked his mother being there (FIL came the following day). But, we had multiple people coming every day for 2 weeks.
I didn't like it at all. I wasn't up to seeing people and they wanted to see DD. So, therefore, I had to leave DD.

A baby born at 25w is a different story. I would say no. I just want to spend as much time with my little one as possible, just in case the worst happens.

In a word, No!

DS was four weeks early and was in the SCN for a few days. I resented visitors as they took me away from him. I also got a bit angry when MIL visited and got upset, I had enough to worry about without trying to comfort our visitors. When we announced his birth via SMS to the masses we specifically said no visitors until after midday on a certain day to give him and us some time. Some people still came prior and a heap of DHs relo's turned up at 12pm on the dot of the day we said it was ok after midday. It was a bit OTT.

I have always asked new parents when they would like us to visit - and always told them if something changes to let me know as I will take no offence if its not a good time or day. Its just about respect rather than putting your own need to see the new baby first.

I guess how anyone feel is going to differ, it's a personal thing. I think it would just be good manners to ask first.

I think (depending on circumstances of course) visitors are allowed, but it's at the mother's (and father's) discretion. I hope all goes well for her.

As MummyNaomi said sometimes visitors can create work, it's awful having to comfort someone that only has half a clue what's going on. So I guess it depends on her family and the relationship she has with them.. Visitors should be there for the Mother, not the baby if that makes sense..

With the twins I didn't have many visitors and when they died I regretted it. Not many people got to meet them, so they didn't seem 'real' to some people. With J I had lots of visitors because I was terrified he was going to die. The best visitors were ones that came, saw, told me how gorgeous he was, what a fantastic job I was doing then left a meal on the way out ;) Ones that didn't demand ANYTHING of me.

Miss A was born at 29 weeks and 1 day. During her delivery (c section) my mum was with me. DH would have been, but was working. My MIL was outside the theatre. When they were stitching me up (and other complications arose) I told my mum to grab mil and both follow Amelia. I'm glad they got to see her they made sure she was ok. We honestly didn't know if she was going to make it or not.

I didn't get to see her irl until day 2. Didn't get a hold until day 6. All I had was a single photo until I went to visit her. I didn't know stats or specifics.

Anyways, the only people who were allowed in were amelias grandparents and my DH and I. The NICU and SCN doesn't permit anyone else.



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It must really vary from hospital to hospital because where we were visitors were allowed but of course they had to be with one of the parents.. I gave permission for grandparents to visit without me there. Everyone had to gown up and wash up before coming to see baby.. I LOVE not wearing those horrid white gowns now :)

My son was born at 25 weeks. I didn't want my family to be there 24/7 but it was extremely important to me that they meet him asap. In my case, it was the day following his birth as day 1 was spent trying to stabilise him.

You will find that NICU's will allow visitors, usually very limited numbers by the bedside and the length of time is usually dependant on how long the parent wanted them there. With my family's first visit it was 2 at a time for only a couple mins. For many of them it was a gut wrenching experience, something they were far from prepared for but they were all glad (as was I) that they were able to meet my little man when they did.

People were hard pressed to find me when we had dd1 in the nicu! I spent all my time there. I'd go back to my room to find presents and cards left on the bed. Even my ob couldn't get hold of me lol. So it didn't worry me too much if ppl tried to visit. I didn't feel like I was kept away from bub at all.

I have scanned responses.

I had dd unexpectedly at 30 weeks. My parents both rushed to the hospital to be with DH and I - was a small local hospital that generally unless your 38 weeks and easy you don't deliver there. I loved the fact mum and dad were both there as they kept us together and made sure we ate etc until we transferred to another hospital an hour away. Each day mum would check in on me and dad would call in after work (he worked about 15 minutes fro the hospital). The NICU and SCN would always let them in. We had a few friends who came and saw us and i was grateful for the distraction at times but they understood if i was 'elsewhere'.

DH's parents and family on the other hand. I am still hurting 2 years on that DH parents left on a 3 week motorbike trip the day after DD was born and never saw here for the entire time or even bothered to make sure we were all ok - instead gave DH a list of jobs to do. They live around the corner from us. DH sister came once and that hurts as i felt i never had there support when we needed it.

I guess i am saying that i would want at least family there so i knew i had support but also DH had it. DH to this day is so thankful my parents came and helped with everything and is hurt by his family. Even when mentioned he gets told 'well we had a holiday booked'

I can speak from personal experience. I was very unwell after giving birth to the twins, and was kept in labour and delivery for 4 days so I could have one on one care. My Mil @ FIl and Sil came in to see "us" and my DH took them to the NiCU to see the babies and I was a space cadet from the meds and still felt absolutely all alone knowing they where with the twins and I was left in the room all alone, while they went to meet their grandchildren.

After that feeling of loneliness and to be honest sadness that they were all with our babies, I told DH no one was to visit the twins unless I was there, no matter how long my recovery took. Of course DH could them.

Whilst I was recovering from the birth and subsequent health issues arising, we actually had visitors arrive (some where acquaintance's) and ask could they go and see the babies in the nicu, after they where told I had only met them once !

My babies are still in special care, and I get a lot texts and calls asking if people, can visit the babies in the scn, one girl even text a friend of mine, and said "does Bengal need to be there if we want to visit the twins" :

A woman bought her family in to see her baby in the nicu, and he was coughing, I promptly closed my curtains and was grateful my babies where in their humi cribs

I don't think it's fair to my babies or any other babies in the nicu to have lots of different people in the room, it's a time for the babies to grow and get well.

Bengal, that is horrible. Some people have no clue. Hope you and your babies gain strength and are all back together full time soon.

Some family friends who had their firstborn at 27 weeks really wanted a lot of people around. Even if it was just to see photos of the baby, or if you were lucky enough to go in and have him "shown off" - I think it helped them feel normal and helped it feel more real for them, when they'd just had a baby they couldn't visit all the time and couldn't cuddle.

So I guess it's case by case?

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. Even if it was just to see photos of the baby, or if you were lucky enough to go in and have him "shown off" - I think it helped them feel normal and helped it feel more real for them, when they'd just had a baby they couldn't visit all the time and couldn't cuddle.

So I guess it's case by case?

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That's the way I felt. If I had gone to term these people would be there. I wanted to be normal

Thanks all. Baby was born on Thurs night by natural delivery. So far, so good. Ive seen pics and I doubt she's bigger than my hand.

As it turned out, the visitors did cause tension but not with babies mum, let's say J. J's mother was not happy about her J's dad's partner (my colleague) and her daughter being there. J set her straight and said its what she wanted but apparently she kept carrying on about it. Poor girl! As if she needs this at the moment.


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Sending healing and growing vibes to bubby. And strength to mummy and daddy. They have a long road ahead. But its well worth it. Every minute. Hugs

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for me I would hate it.
I had a traumatic labour, and was officially 'no visitors' yet half the world figured it didnt mean them, and came anyway.
My inlaws were complaining outside the birthsuite that they couldnt come in, while I was being resuscitated mind you!

I stay away until invited these days!