Leaving bub - how old?

How old was your baby when you left them for the first extended amount of time? (extended being 6+ hours).

I ask because my cousin (close as a brother) is getting married next month and they're having a child and baby free reception. The reception is an hour away, and starts at 5.30. Ds will be 10 mo, he is still fed to sleep and we co-sleep. He will also be smack bang in the middle of a wonder week according to the ww timeline. I've said I'm not going to go, but now almost everyone I know is telling me I'm overreacting and I should leave him with mil.

My main concern is that we will be an hour away, and if he gets distressed then he could be distressed for however long it takes before mil calls, plus the hour drive back to him.

I don't feel like I'm being ott but maybe I am? Just wanting to gauge myself against other mamas experiences :)


Excuse my sucky spelling, I'm on my iPhone

I'd say up to you, but would your brother allow sibling's children only? My sister did that at her wedding.

Or could you all stay in a hotel overnight close by, with your MiL babysitting in the hotel? So you can still feed to sleep and be close if you're needed?

Personally, I'd hate to miss a sibling's wedding. But then I also wouldn't leave my baby an hour away overnight when he was that small. Tough call.

I think whatever feels right to you is the right thing to do :) if you dont want to leave him, then dont let anyone make you feel like you're bring ott. TFB had some good suggestions if you wanted to find a compromise.

Ultimately though you need to feel comfortable with your choice.

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DH and I had spent quite a bit of money on Disturbed/Trivium tickets before DD was born.
She was 4 months old and on 4 different medications.

We talked alot about just selling the tickets but realised it was the experience of a lifetime (especially now that Disturbed aren't touring or anything now).

The concert was just over 5 hours away and we had to stay the night. We left at 11am, leaving 3 full pages of 'instructions' for my parents and got back about 2pm the following day.

It was hard.

I left DD for wedding plus reception at about 7 months, but we were maybe 30 mins away, I left her with my parents. She was fine but I missed her as were loads of other babies there. Also had forgotten would need to express (apart from 14:00 to 24:00), so not comfy. If I had time again I would have popped back between wedding and reception so I would say if you can get MIL to mind your little one close by that is a good option.

Personally there is no way I could have left my babies at 10 months old. The thought of my BF, co-sleeping bubba wondering where on earth on am would kill me. I'm not judging anyone else who does it, but I wanted you to know I sympathise with you and I don't think you're over reacting.

I haven't left my 16 month old yet and the first time I left my older son overnight was when he was 2.5 year old, no longer BFing and happy to be put to bed & resettled by his daddy. I've only ever left him with my husband too, not other people.

ETA: Sorry, I didn't properly answer your question as you didn't ask about overnight, but that was the first time I had left my son for an extended time. prior to that I had gone out to dinner close-ish to home for a couple of hours, or gone out during the day for most of the day but still not until he had weaned and was happy to be put to bed by his dad.

Your son is your baby and you need to do what you are comfortable with not what other people think (I know easier said then done) can you take your son in a pram?
In my personal situation, at 10 mnths no-one else had settled DS and there is no way I could have left him for 6+ hrs and enjoyed myself. I would be worried after a couple of hours :dunno: Goodluck with what you decide


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No, I couldn't do that. I still couldn't leave DD2 that long at 14 months now. I didn't leave DD1 that long until she was 2 and that was because I was in hospital having DD2, but then her Daddy was home for the night anyway. I just wouldn't feel comfortable, it's so little. It sounds like you don't feel comfortable either. Forget what everyone else is telling you, they're not in your situation. Surely your cousin would let you have your baby with you if it was a choice between that and not coming at all??

Going against the grain here...all my children were also b/f but I left my eldest DD at 6 weeks old to go to a wedding, 1 month later we had another wedding where we left her as well. Both times she was left with my mum who gave her EBM and had no problems settling her. I expressed in the car in the car park at both weddings with DH keeping watch hehe:lol:.

Thinking back I most probably could have taken her to both weddings but at the time it never even occurred for me to ask and we were the first out of all our friends to have a baby so I didn't really know what you could/couldn't do/ask for if that makes sense?

Truthfully even now as an experienced mum I wouldn't take my 10 mth old to a wedding if it was childfree. What if you take yours and others have left their babies at home thinking they were not allowed? If the baby is in a safe, nurturing environment then whats the big deal for one night?:dunno: Some may call me heartless but I really think there is too much over analysing about this kind of stuff. Go, enjoy the wedding, your baby will survive.

No, I couldn't. I'd rather miss the wedding, I'd expect anyone I know to know that there's no way of be leaving my daughter that young. She loves her Nanna and is very close to her, but she would end up feeling confused and scared wondering where I was. So no, I wouldn't. Some people are okay with leaving their babies, I'm not one of those people, I think 10 months is too young.

Could you go to the Ceremony only and get MIL to come with you? I know it's a long drive for only the ceremony but if you are close maybe that is something you could consider

I had left both dd's overnight with my parents at that age as I was comfertable doing that they both took EBM fine.

Good luck making your decision

He definitely can't come. I messaged my cousin the other day, I said:

"Hey cousin and fiance,

Just wanted to touch base with you and confirm if by 'child-free reception' you also mean baby-free reception? As a baby Isaiah is still very dependant on me for his nutrition and comfort, and I didn't want to bring him along without checking with you first.

Cheers,

sepata

PS If you have any concerns about him crawling around or being disruptive, I am more than happy to wear him the entire time to resolve this concern"

He replied:

"Hi sepata,

I just wanted to confirm with you that "child-free" also includes babies. We understand that the nature of this request can provide some difficulties at times, but it would be great if you could make other arrangements for Isaiah to be taken care of.

We apologise for the inconvenience, but we know that if we say yes to you, being fair means saying yes to everybody, and with the amount of people we know who have kids around Isaiahs age, there could well be a need for a nursery on the night! With all of this in our mind, this is why we asked if everyone could make alternative arrangements.

I really hope this doesn't prevent you and Brad coming to the reception! We really would love to have you there!

thanks,

Cousin"

So no, he can't come, even if I kept him in a sling/wrap all night :(

I see it from their perspective, as a young childless (and not to sound mean, self-absorbed) couple, they really have no idea of what they are asking, but I would have thought that my message would've hopefully put it into perspective for them.

I've spoken to hubby about it again this morning, and I'm pretty sure we've made the decision not to go. We're still considering the options for the ceremony, but the reception is almost 100% definitely a no.

I think you made the right decision not to go. Fair enough, they don't want kids there, their wedding, but I couldn't go to a wedding when the people involved were so unaware of what they were asking of me. To me, staying with DD outweighs social events, I've already given a few a miss.

I wouldn't go either. DD (12mo) is still breastfed & very dependent on me. I wouldn't leave her at night until she is fully weaned, even if it was DH. I couldn't ask someone to look after her when she is likely to wake 4 -5 times minimum & feeds to sleep. To me, she is much more important than anyone else, and sucha huge stress on her is totally unnecessary. They will get it when they have their own kids, even if they don't say anything to you, they will think "wow, sepata was right, 10mo BF baby is too young to be left", assuming they do BF. Too late for you to attend their wedding of course. But their choice!

It sounds like they really don't know what they are asking you to do. Fair enough if the parents are comfortable to leave their baby for that length of time, however when BFing that is a long time to wait to express. I did leave DD1 at a young age (6 weeks? - long story there), and DD2 was probably at the 9 mth mark. DS will probably be at the 6 month mark as well but I have a different set of circumstances to you, as all of us do.

If others are comfortable leaving their little ones, thats fine, but I always believe that small babies and their mums come as a unit, ie they can't be separated and I wouldn't ask any of my friends or family to do that.

Its a hard decision, I hope they one day understand how hard it was to make for you, but not cause they have been put in the same situation.

I wouldn't. Even now he's nearly 3. DS is still bf to sleep and I can't express. If it was during the day I might consider it, but TBH there isn't many people I trust to leave him alone with.

There is no way I would have left him at 10 months.

At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you. Just like, at their wedding, they need to do what is best for them. I can totally understand them wanting their wedding to be child free if they know a lot of people with children. I went to a wedding last year that was child free, and while the couple love and ADORE children, there would have been so many of so many ages (the groom has a huge family not to mention all the friends with kids) and it would have been very disruptive to their big day. The only exception was one of the bridesmaids who had a 4 week old baby, but the baby was kept inside the house (my friend had the wedding at her parents property) and she kept going inside to feed and check the baby was ok (bridesmaids mother was there looking after the baby inside the whole time).

Not saying you are doing right or wrong by going/not going, because the right decision is whatever you and your husband are most comfortable with. But just as you were hoping they would see it from your perspective, you need to see it from theirs. This is their big day. They only get this one day and want it to go a particular way. They can't make everyone happy so they need to do what is best for them and this is something they have decided to do.

For some reason I was actually offended by your cousins response. Maybe its because you mentioned he is like a brother to you, and perhaps he doesnt understand the nature of his request.

If you wanted to go I would either only go for the ceremony, if you wanted to go to the reception get a motel and get someone to look after your ds there, that way you can pop back and feed him to sleep and what not.

Having said that though I know in that position I just wouldnt go. I know that if I had to go back to the motel and feed I more than likely wouldnt want to return to the reception. I know I couldnt leave my girls. DD1 is five this year and we havent left her for more than an hour or two at most! Mainly because I have no one I can trust to look after them.

Pretty sucky situation to be in anyhow. It sounds like your decision may be made for you. :hug:

Personally i would go to the ceremony & the reception depending on how DS was feeling on the day. But that is me personally and my MIL minds DS over night all the time. When i was bf I would just express when needed. But as i said that is me.

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Okay two answers from me:

Pre-children - I had NO idea at all about the whole bf, leaving babies, bond, mummy-so-in-love-with-baby-can't-leave-them, etc, etc and I would have been/was like your cousin at our wedding, just didn't GET IT and had a child-free wedding. So, can kind of understand your cousin's reply because until you have children yourself you really don't understand that leaving your babies/children when they are so young is like leaving your arm at home.

Now with 3 - I would do what feels right to you, if you can't leave your little one that is perfectly fine and normal. Any chance of just going to the ceremy, leaving expressed milk (sorry I havn't read all the replies so might be repeating myself). Stay somewhere close by with MIL going along...

My parents watched DD1 for us while we went out for dinner alone when she was about 6 months or so. She spent her first full night away from us at 13 months. She stayed at my parents while we went to a wedding. We felt very comfortable leaving her with my parents as they'd spent a lot of time with her so they were familiar to her and they knew all her 'tricks' and how to handle her ;)

I felt a lot more relaxed with DD2 and we left her with my parents at 10 weeks while we were at another wedding. They came to the ceremony so I could feed her straight after it then they gave her EBM before bed and I pumped as soon as we got home. I missed DD2 terribly but had a fabulous, child-free night too!

We had a no children policy at our wedding too but our newly born nephew (2 weeks old at the time) and our niece (5 years at the time and our flower girl) were allowed. If anyone else had really young babies or had travelled and therefore didn't have sitters, we would have done the same. I personally don't think weddings are the place for lots of kids though and crying babies, prams and highchairs can make things difficult.

Maybe a hotel close by for you guys and your MIL could be an option. Despite what I've said above, I wouldn't feel overly comfortable being an hour drive away from my LO either.

I'd probably go. Does your MIL usually babysit for you? If not I'd give it a couple of trial runs so they have a chance to get used to each other.

Oh i forgot to say i left DS for the first time for 3 hrs at 4 weeks to go to a function & our wedding was very kid friendly and barely any adults could get on the dance floor for all the kids!

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Ugh. And why not have a nursery then? (I had a nursery set up for our wedding, nobody used it,t he kids just hung out with adults all night and provided the *best* entertainment. Your cousin has no idea what he's missing.)

I would still go. I left my DD to go to an engagement party when she was 5 months old, with my mum, and we were walking distance. An hour away is pretty tough, though. I do like the suggestion of getting somewhere to stay that's closer, we did that for a wedding when DD was 13 months old. She stayed with a friend of ours and, while not fabulous, she was pretty good.

Also, we left her for our anniversary when she was 12 months. That was hard because she'd only ever been fed to sleep, and on that occasion, she'd had a late nap, and just wouldn't settle in time for us to go. But then I thought "heck, it's just one night. I don't care if I come home at 10 and she's watching TV and eating crackers." Which she wasn't. We got home at 9:30 and found her asleep in our bed, no problems.

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the kids just hung out with adults all night and provided the *best* entertainment. Your cousin has no idea what he's missing.)

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I agree! Little kids on the dancefloor are awesome, and any wedding i have been to with kids the parents are always considerate of what the main event is, and take their kids out if necessary.

i have thankfully not had to make your decision, as breastfed babies have always been welcome, but at that age DH or i or both would have stayed home with my DD.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions/opinions. I mentioned to hubby that we could get a place to stay, but he said he'd prefer to use that money toward our Christmas holiday, which makes sense to me. I think we'll definitely be able to sort something out to make it for the ceremony.

We have left ds with MIL a couple of times, but that was after he had been put to sleep and only for a couple of hours. And we were only 10 minutes away. Much different to this situation.

Meh. Sounds like you send your apologies to me. Shame, but that's the way they wanna roll so that's the way it is huh?

oh, it's a shame. I think weddings are better when they're family events :)

What a tough one!

But of course your cousin has no idea of what they are asking you to do - they don't have kids!! It's unreasonable to expect them to get it - some things just don't make sense until you have kids yourself, this is normal and part of the change that happens to us all as first time parents. I think his response was perfectly fine.

I think if we all remember back to our Weddings we put a lot of planning into the day and lets be honest I don't think I have ever met one bride/groom who has had successfully met every guests needs, compromises need to me made and someone is always going to be inconvenienced.

We didn't wan't kids at our Wedding, our venue was small and we squeezed in as many guests as we could but invited our nieces (7 and 9) and cousins child (2) only because the rest of their/our family were there (who would have been the likely babysitters). It worked out fine. However NOW as a mother I would be much more accomodating to others with children as now I DO know the needs of a Mother and Baby. I honestly did not before.

We left my DS with Nan for the night for a Wedding when he was 4 months. He was BF so I expressed a lot before and between ceremony and reception for relief and rang/sms's my Mum at regular intervals. Leading up to the night I regularly had her settle him for bed etc (while I was there) so both her, I and he were all comfortable. While it wasn't ideal and I missed him like crazy on the night, it worked well. However with my Mum I can be completely honest with her and know she will follow my instructions to a tee, not sure if you have that relationship with your MIL.

If you are not going, then you have made the totally right decision not to go, the right age to leave a bub is when that Mum and Baby are ready. While your cousin may not fully understand that now, they will once they have their own. Be comfortable in your decision as its yours to make, but don't let it ruin or compromise your relationship with your cousin as he is in a different stage of life. As Mum's we need to follow our instincts!

HTH :)