I think I'm a better mother because I go to work

Following on from another thread about being a SAHM, it got me think about whether I could do it. I love my two sons very much. Watching them grow into little people has been a joy. I continually laugh at DS1 when he comes up with new words (the latest being 'no worries' in response to me saying 'thank you'). DS2 and his desire to leap out of my arms to turn on every light switch we pass cracks me up.

However, I'm not sure I could ever stay at home with them full time. Thinking about it, I could probably think of nothing worse for myself. I would get terribly snappy, feel very disorganised and just want to run away.

I like working part time. I like my job and think that it's very important. I like the adult time I get at work doing things seperate to my kids. It helps me keep my own sense of identity.

Time away from my children also helps me reflect on the type of parent I am and how I could do things differently (largely related to my eldest and his behaviour).

Working also helps me keep my career skills and contacts current. In politics, things move quickly and your knowledge and contacts can become redundant in no time.

Sure, me working helps our budget but we could get by without my wage. DH has a great job and earns decent money. We wouldn't starve.

I guess I wanted to put it out there that not everyone wants to be a stay at home mum. If anything, I think I respect stay at home mums more because I don't want to do it and am not sure I could do it and stay sane.

I get what you are saying. I would love a regular me time thing to do. But I am a stay home mum due to my kids having special needs. Three are on the autism spectrum so while I'm a SAHM, I'm actually out every day lol. Between speech, ot, early intervention preschool sessions, psych appointments, pead visits... The only day I have left where I could put my 2 non school age kids into care if I wanted to do that is a Monday, but that would mean I miss out on play connect which is my time to catch up with other parents facing the same struggles as me. So for now, I am a busy SAHM. I am on the committee for the local autism support group though, that gives me a little bit of grown up stuff to do that isn't focused on my kids BUT helps them still in the long run.

Point being, I fully get where you are coming from, I'd be happy to just have a four Hour shift stacking shelves lol

I agree with every word. I know I'm a better mummy for working, I know I have far more patience after I've had a day at work.
I'm also blessed to only need to work part time but I wouldn't have it any other way :)

i think it adds another aspect of me as person.
My daughter wakes up in the morning and asked me what i did at work last night, wants to know who i helped and why they were hurt.
i think it also shows them a different side of mummy and my values as well - if that makes sense.

Plus they love when they get to visit my work lol!

It's not for everyone, We all just do whats best for our families and if thats staying home full time, working full time/ part time, doesnt matter, our kids are loved and they love us no matter what

I agree with you too Fiona. Every bit of it, except the budget bit. We need my salary. But apart from that, I agree. I love my kids more than anything, but they get a better mum when I'm working. I'm not saying it's easy. It breaks my heart to leave my kids at daycare. Especially DD since she's still so little. I hate being so busy I can't find time to scratch myself. They do say the cutest things don't they! DS has started telling me off. "No touch MY xxx, Mummy!"

It just shows how different everyone is doesn't it? I love to hear people confident with their decisions and knowing what's right for them. Good for you!

For me, I couldn't think of anything worse than working, I know I would hate it and be miserable. A SAHM is what I am meant to be :)

Its great to read that you've found the right balance for you and your family Fiona. I think that's what all of us should concentrate on - what suits US, not what "they" say is the right thing to do. In fact, whoever "they" are, they should just keep their opinions to themselves! Its such a shame that so much of the time there is no consideration given to the fact that we don't lose our individuality when we become a mother, and that we all have different personalities and need different things to keep us all happy, content and satisfied with life.

I'll be totally honest i would go crazy being at home all the time with them yes i love them but i got a job coz my mental health was at risk me and hubby take it in turns

:clap: so gald it works for you hun and well done on putting it out there.

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It's not for everyone, We all just do whats best for our families and if thats staying home full time, working full time/ part time, doesnt matter, our kids are loved and they love us no matter what

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I agree...doing what is best for your family may be different for different ppl but we're all striving to be the best parents we can be. Recognising what's important & what works for your family is awesome!!!

And i love the 'no worries' - so cute!

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I am another who while I loved being at home found that I really needed to work part-time to make me a better parent. I need to have time away from the home and the children to help me put things in perspective and deal with things in a more reasonable manner. Even when I have been at home I haven't managed to achieve all the things other SAHM's do which makes me feel a bit bad - I am just domestically challenged I think. It's not my natural environment :lol:

While im not a working mum, i have been and ive also been a study mum. I just love that you posted this in such a lovely way not once ever making either kind of mum sound bad.
I have no issue with either a working mum or sahm i think your all pretty darn awesome!!

Another one here who works and I do believe I am a better parent for it. I am really a crap SAHM and awful with all the housey stuff. I loved the idea of it when I was first pregnant, but the reality was different for me. I did not realise that I was better off for working until I actually was back in the work force.

We are in the position though were we do need me working, financially it was getting to hard with me a home. The stress of no money was not good for anyone in the family, the stress of having to juggle work and parenting is minor to that stress for us.

I struggle being home all the time. I liked going to work for a bit of adult conversation and to get out of the house.

Great thread Fiona! I'm like you, working part time gives me the space and time I need to nurture my individuality, I just have never been able to explain it as eloquently as you just did.

Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my children and am especially enjoying being on maternity leave and being a SAHM again to DS2 right now. But, experience tells me that when the time comes for me to return to work it will be in the best interests of both myself and my children.

You know what they say - Happy mum = Happy kids.

Wow, thank you for posting this. I've been reflecting a bit too after the previous thread. I was terrified of returning to work, and even moreso when it turned out to be a full time position. I thought I'd crumble under the added pressure. But no, quite the opposite. I actually like my job. I like getting out of the house. And I have far more patience and appreciate the little things a LOT more.

Working full time is a lot easier than I predicted. I miss my son terribly, but I HAVE to be here to fix our financial issues. So I might as well enjoy the positive aspects of it! Cause I sure don't have a choice, lol.

I feel that for me (and I can only speak in my own experience here) that working FT has enhanced my parenting skills.

I love being a SAHM and love as much time with my kids as I can get! Yes we are all different and that's what makes the world go round..... :)

I think whether we stay home caring full time for kids or go to work each day or some days, we are ALL working hard ALL the time! There is and should be NO competition.

I really enjoy my job and am good at it, but would have preferred more time at home with my son, as opposed to having to leave him when he was quite young (aged 2). I didn't really struggle for stimulation - I was quite active on BB at the time, and was a moderator as well so between that and home, I had a lot to keep me occupied.

And though I didn't want to return to work, when I did, I worked very hard and spent a lot of time at it, building my career. I'm not one to do anything half-arsed really. I feel regret now that I lost so much time with my son when I was working 12 hour days (and continue to now, for that matter) but I understand that by working like I did, I gave my family opportunities that the man in the family usually would deliver. My XH took a backseat with his career and spent more time caring for the children than I did, because I gave him the ability to do so.

I am comflicted as to whether this makes me a better parent, but I think it makes me *a* parent who fulfilled a role usually assumed by the man. I accept that assuming this role has given me options too once XH and I split that many women don't have, but again, that was a matter of circumstance, not choice.

I think I may have gone off tangent too, but was typing out loud. :) I guess what I'm trying to say is: I enjoy working, I believe that my work ethic is an excellent example for my kids, I believe I'm a positive role model my daughter and sons, and I think that returning to work was, overall, a positive thing for me and my family, but I still wish I'd had more time at home with my son before he started school.

I loved being a SAHM, and enjoy my role working in a Kindy. It does make me a better mum because I appreciate my time more, as a SAHM I found myself bored sometimes when I should have been enjoying my daughter, and I missed so much time since starting working but love the time I do get with her now so... working has made me a better mum because I have had to spend time away from her and embrace the moments we get together, even the challenging ones. I would rather not have to leave my daughter to go to work, I would rather be a SAHM, but the choices best for my family and for our daughter was for my partner to be a SAHM too and be able to form that intimate connection with her. We had already decided this when I was pregnant, we feel this is the best way to raise our family, so I went back to work when DD was 14 months old. We continued our breastfeeding journey for another 12 months, and I think my partner and I have an appreciation for each other and for the different roles (working compared to SAH) that we both wouldn't have gotten.

i love that i work. it absolutely has given me alot more patience and appreciation for whats at home.
BUT, i do envy SAHM i would give anything to be able to stay at home with DD every day and watch her grow but unfortunately financially we needed me back at work. i went back to work when she was not quite 6 months old (she's 2.5 now..) i felt guilt for a VERY long time, its prob been only in the last 6 months that the guilt has subsided to just a dull ache, because i can see she is doing amazing, and i think she enjoys spending time with everyone else too.

Im doing everything in my power to give my family everything we deserve, she isnt in DC though she gets to spend alot of one on one time with DH (who works FIFO) and she would probably get more one o one time with him than some kids would get with a dad that works 5 days a week and then she gets alot of time with nan and pa!

i like working because i get to be 'stevie' for 5 hours a day 3 days a week. it keeps me sane but at the sam time i do appreciate my time with her (not more than any other mother would) but i try to make the most of everything.

I'm an absolutely TERRIBLE stay at home parent. I HAVE to work. I simply cannot stand being at home - it drives me crazy. I was back at work when my sons were 3 months old. Both of them were in daycare.

Don't get me wrong - I love them to bits. I just don't have it in me to be a stay at home parent with a newborn. Or a sub four year old, really. I love the ages my sons are at now. I'd be a SAHM now, without blinking, (if I had a DH/DP who earned enough lol!), but probably only part time. I need to work. My personal integrity and personal self-worth is wholly tied up in my professional reputation. I am who I am because of what I do. It's a particularly masculine trait.

Which is why, if someone challenges my professional or personal integrity, I find it really challenging to deal with. It affects me more than most people I know.

So, yes, I agree with the statement that I'm a better mother because I go to work.

Well said, and I feel the same! While I love my time home with dd I am so much more patient and attentive because it's not a day in day out routine. I'm lucky enough to have an even split, I work 3 days then have 4 off, which means she gets a good mix of mum&dad, just mum, just dad (shift worker, so he's sometimes on days off with her when I'm at work) and daycare. I think she's alot more easygoing because of it, and spending a few days a week with other people and kids is great for her development (and my sanity)

I can totally understand the sentiment Fiona. Dh and I always planned for me to be a SAHM, we are in a position where I can do it BUT my youngest is going to be five this year and off to school next year so WTF do I do with my time then? When he wasn't even 2 I decided that I wanted to study to give myself an interest outside of parenting because the kids were getting older and *needing* me less ITMS. Being a SAHM is a very fullfilling and rewarding thing to do - while they are little, but as they get older it gets immensely easier and your time becomes your own again. I needed more than just being a mum and that's why study appealed. Plus I also thought that there is no way known I could have all the kids at school and just sit at home all day. I'm not one to do all these 'lady' things in the town where I live like play basketball on a wednesday morning, or do endless coffees or lunches down the street with friends, and I'm not a gardener, so once I'd have the housework done my life would be boring as bat**** quite frankly. Yeah I'm involved in various committees, but I needed something more than that. So the plan is for me to get my degree and become a teacher, get either full or part time work that works in around when the kids need me - not much point being a SAHM when I don't have any kids at home during the day anymore IMO. I think it will make for a better life for everyone in our family. I see it as being a natural progression of sorts.

Isn't it weird how set the parenting roles are. Do we EVER ask MEN this question - are you a better father because you go to work? :)

I am suited to working and DH is suited to being the stay at home dad. Works FANTASTIC for us. And some people are disappointed in us for our choices, but I say, be negative, be disappointed, be judgemental and critical all you like. We are doing what works best for us and if you don't like it you can STFU!

We're all different people, made up in different ways, with our own unique strengths and weaknesses. There is not one "best" way to be a mother, and the assumption that the best mothers are the stay at home kind is just excrement of the bovine kind.

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My personal integrity and personal self-worth is wholly tied up in my professional reputation. I am who I am because of what I do.

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this has been my greatest struggle in staying home. i've felt that im without an identity at times & still struggle to feel like im doing an ok job without formal feedback etv

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I can say that working outside the home has definitely made me a better parent. I too went back to work when DD was a couple of months old. It wasn't my choice and it was hard but I did what I had to do at the time.

But being a working parent with a career has meant that I have the economic freedom to be able to provide for my child. Me. No one else. I have never relied on a man (or anyone else) for money. I am independent. So when the relationship between me and DD's biological father ended when she was two, instead of facing money problems and debt, my financial situation actually improved. Economic self sufficiency is very important in my opinion.

I don't receive child support, any FAO/Centrelink benefits, am not independently wealthy, nor do I have a money tree growing outside my front door, so I work.

That's a good point M! I guess we are seen as the primary carer, though, so perhaps that's why? I think dads have a far more important role to play in nurturing than is often recognised, though.

I'm glad people feel good about the way they parent - whether working outside the home or not. :) For me, I became a better mother when I stopped working full time. Now I have taken on study and volunteer work which is compatible with being a full-time mum. It's a kind of win-win. So there are other options around if you lack the stimulation of having other work and adult time, but want to spend more time with your kids (and don't need the income, obviously, as volunteering doesn't pay too well).