Let's talk about sex....

...with our kids. But how soon is too soon?

After reading an article today about the median age for girls to have their first sexual encounter to be 14, and after speaking to a friend who si today off to buy her 16yo daughter a pregnancy test, I (semi) jokingly said to my kids that I didn't want them to be pregnant, or get anyone pregnant, until 22 as a minimum. DS1 (aged 7) piped up "so that means we can't have sex until we are 22". I have spoken to him about how babies are made before but I was a bit taken aback with how confident and non embarrassed his reply was so I just replied that I didn't mean that, but that he would have to use protection if he was going to have sex. My younger children were in the room at the time.

I know myself that I have not mortified my kids (or given them any details they didn't want) and I hope that they can continue to be open and honest with me about sex as they mature. But am I unusual in speaking to my kids so young about sex?

The age for sexual encounters is getting younger and younger, and I get distressed thinking about my DD doing something like that at such a young age.

I was a virgin til 18 (parents very protective and was homeschooled), we never talked about sex in the home except for "Don't do it before marriage or you'll go to hell" and "don't do oral sex, or you'll go to hell", basically. This coming from my mother who was secretly pregnant at her wedding.... Yep.. lol, the message didn't work. DH and I got together and I was pregnant within months.

I want to know how to talk to my kiddies about sex, but am unsure.

I don't want to teach DD and Bub "No sex before marriage" because I don't really agree with it. Just "don't have sex til you are mature and fully commited to someone."

Interested to see how this thread goes and hopefully there's some good advice for parents.

I have always been very open with DD about sex. Ironically, now she is older she is more embarrassed by it.

Btw - you are very generous saying 22. DD isn't allowed to have sex until she is eleventy-seven. I think it only fair and proper that she wait until then ;) :p

No, I just did the whole naked bodies images with my 4 and 5 year old boys...why? Because they were curious and I want them to have the facts and no what to expect of their bodies as they grow and change, as soon as they want to know things I'll tell them, I always think its better to get the facts from parents then be mis lead by friends.

...baby lets talk about you and me... lets talk about all the goods things...

sorry couldn't help myself!

I'm not sure when that conversation is going to happen... I think I might get all you wise ones to tell me how to do it lOL

i remember we never had "the talk" - we were always allowed to ask questions, and they were answered in an age appropriate way - so it was never taboo. we are trying to do the same with DD. obviously we don't talk about intercourse or anything yet, but she asks about babies and where they come from, the same as she asks about everything else. we aren't embarrassed talking about sex (i guess the upside of my upbringing and her Daddy being a truckie lol).

DD is very interested in the human body - i pulled out my old uni texts, and one of them had a book with it that was the clinical view of a body (essentially a dissection of the human body) and she has taken an interest in it. we talk about the body parts and don't gloss anything over. so i guess i'm HOPING that being so open about other body stuff will mean we're about to continue it with the sex side of things. HOPING being the operative word lol

IMO it starts with using the proper names for genitals when they are old enough to learn them so that they are equipped with the language to talk about sex and then when they ask the inevitable questions answering them honestly even if it is on a ski lift beside an astonished 20 something.
I would rather answer questions honestly when they arise instead of avoiding it for years then having an awkward conversation.

I've always tried to be open and honest with DD about bodies and sex and everything. She asks questions freely and knows she can talk to me about pretty well anything. I do try to let her know that she shouldn't be in a hurry to grow up too quickly and that sex is best saved for somebody special. How much sinks in....time will tell.

I have always been open with the kids and have told them what ever they asked about. Unfortunately my DD1 probably lost her virginity at 13 or 14 after going off the rails. We are getting better at talking again now. Fingers crossed the rest of the kids don't follow the same route

I reckon we'll be clear and accurate from a reasonably young age ...

From our fostering days, we had so many teenage kids with misunderstandings about sex and sexuality and behaviour and risks and "normal" ...

And frankly, DH and I want *us* to be our boys' first basis for understanding and knowledge when it comes to the topic of their bodies and their hearts, ITMS.

DD1 sees me reading pregnancy books which often involves diagrams of the uterus, and the path of the baby during delivery. She looked at the image, and said "babies come out here" and pointed to her vagina. I said yep, that's right. We also watch BF videos on youtube so she also knows what boobs are for. She knows that when she gets older she will look more and more like mummy. I guess that is as far as we've gone at 3. I've promised to NEVER lie to her about this, so if she asks directly I will answer directly. But if she expresses no interest, I think I will leave further details for a few more years.

bilby has The Bare Naked Book (for learning names of bodyparts) which is in cartoon style, and the "everyone has got a bottom book", which is a storybook that lets kids begin to think about privacy, and "Some Secrets Should Never be kept" - which is about letting kids know, - exactly what the title says.

Reading these books with her, has opened up many conversations, gotten her to be aware of the names of bodyparts, and given her the avenue to ask questions. I'm hoping, like BG puts, to go on from there. Not QUITE sure how, i'll prolly search for books on the topic.

Unsure when basic sex ed starts in school these days, i think i was in grade 2 when there was a Sex Ed session, at the school, at night time, with your parents.

bilby has watched a dvd of a friend having her bub, very aware of breastfeeding, more aware about c-sections than i really feel comfortable about.

i figure bilby's generation will learn about sex mainly thru porn, i want to pre-arm her with my side of it, so hopefully she won't be amongst the alarming stats of young girls thinking they HAVE to give oral, as if it were only a kiss on the cheek. Have no idea how to do it, hope i don't go to jelly when the time comes.

Feel like i need to tell her about periods etc early, as i hear girls as young as 8, get them now. Unsure how to do that. i have 2.5 years to work that one out, ha ha. Even if she is not an early starter, if it's happening to girls in her class, i would rather she hear it first from me.

Due to the unsafe area we live in, i have no choice but to school her up early, so many dodgy guys around where we live, constant foot traffic, in all sorts of altered states. I keep her inside the home now, but doubt i can keep doing that when she gets older and wants her independence.

I went to a talk at our local library about how to talk to your kids about sex. A wonderful author came and gave the talk and she said start young. The younger they are the more accepting they are of the facts and the less embarassed they are about it. They grow up knowing it and not being embarassed by it. She said start by teaching them proper body part names (not cutesy ones) as it also helps deter sexual abuse as sexual predators are put off when kids are more educated about body parts and sex. I picked up her kids book which has pictures of everything and tells everything and I have no problem reading it to my kids. I started reading it to my son at 2 when we had baby#2 on the way and I did not leave out any details. His respose was "oh ok, can I go watch cartoons". I remember knowing nothing at all until I was like 9 or 10 and wow was I embarassed having "the talk". My friend's mom who is a Dr sat my sister, my friend and I all down and gave us the talk together (as mky mom died when I was 7). I would have much preferred knowing at a younger age.

I'm glad I'm not the only one starting young with basic facts. I have always used anatomical names for body parts, in fact I was furious when DS1 came home saying they had been told penis was a naughty word. We spent a lot of time teaching the difference between a naughty word, and a normal word for a body part which was just probably not suitable for classroom conversation in grade 1.

So another query. I have always maintained that I will ensure there is free access to condoms in my house from when my kids are in mid teens. I don't care if they pass them around school or make water balloons, but I want them to have access to them if they need them. A good friend of mine thinks that this is a good idea but she would wait until her kids were older to make sex seem less accessible to her. Who is right?

I've thought a lot about this since we found out we are having a little boy. DH and I have had some conversations about how we want to deal with certain situations and the main thing that we agree on is that we have to be very careful not to place different expectations on them as they are different genders. DH actually brought this up the whole "that's my boy!" vs "not my little girl" mentality.

I think being as open as you can from a very early age is the way to go, especially about privacy and good and bad touching etc. Not just from a losing virginity etc point of veiw but also to make them less open to abuse.

Traveller- at the moment, I plan to have condoms available for my kids but have yet to work out an age where that will be happening. Maybe 15/16ish? I know that's when the majority of my friends became sexually active.

Oh- and thanks for putting the song into my head too! ::):

:

---

So another query. I have always maintained that I will ensure there is free access to condoms in my house from when my kids are in mid teens. I don't care if they pass them around school or make water balloons, but I want them to have access to them if they need them. A good friend of mine thinks that this is a good idea but she would wait until her kids were older to make sex seem less accessible to her. Who is right?

---

I don't think either of you is right or wrong - i just think you have different views of what is right for you and your family. Personally, i'm with you. Earlier feels better. I lost my virginity at 12 - i'm hoping DD isn't as young as that, but i also won't have the blinkers on that she won't kwim? We have condoms in the house now, she knows they are there, she asked what they were (told her sometimes Mummy and Daddy are ready to have a baby, sometimes they're not - and when they are not, they need something to help stop that happening - she closed the drawer, happy with that answer) - anyway, they will always be available. I want all aspects of sexuality to be anything but taboo...

Gigi - does Bilby ever ask about pads/tampons? I use cloth pads, so E has asked what they are as she hangs them out. She is also aware of what tampons are from the fact i get zero privacy in the ladies room and have had some horrific bleeds the last 12 months or so. she asked why mummy was bleeding, so i explained in very simple terms what bleeding is. she said it was yuk, and i said that yes, it's not fun, but it's part of being a girl, and one day it will happen to her too. Now she follows me into the bathroom and asks if i need a "tamp" all the time! it's obviously very basic information, but it gives us something to build on.

TBH I feel that answering questions as they come up is so important and to be factual is as well. I was shocked to hear about an inappropriate episode in the prep toilets (yes I know) but grateful that we had had some really low key chats about private parts being private and calling the correct anatomical names.
It gave my DD power/control to stop an interaction that could have possibly deteriorated into an inappropriate situation. Kids will be kids and experiment and explore and whilst I don't want mine growing up before their time I really feel my job is to give them info so they can deal with things as they arise - body changes, periods, sex and relationships etc. These things were not really discussed at all when I was a kid and I wonder how I didn't get into trouble (actually not really cos I was a nerd and just wanted to get into the school netball/tennis/swimming teams but can't guarantee that for the DD's).

Nothing is a taboo subject in our house. Its all dealt with in an age appropriate way but I have found its usually my embarrassment that is the biggest problem as opposed to the kids.
Like explaining what premature ejaculation is to my then 9yr old, after he heard an ad on the radio. Hmmmmmm awkward much Mum???
DH even had a 'putting on a condom' lesson with the two older boys a few weeks ago. They all sat at the table with a carrot each and he showed them how to put one on and properly.
They know and have known for quite sometime that sex equals condoms but I thought whats the point of a condom if they don't use it correctly?? So Dad was given a job, as he often does when Mum gets thinking :)
I believe the more open you are the less they need to know and find out. Not sure if my boys agree - talking to their Mum about porn I could see them wishing the ground to open up and swallow them hahaha
But I figure the amount of embarrassing tantrums my children have subjected me too over the years, paybacks a ***** :)

Periods - the girls already have an inkling and know a bit about this as I have NO privacy in the toilet whatsoever! They are so observant ie. "what's that string between your legs mummy?" - in the change room at the swimming pool mind you!!! And wearing pads at home they have asked about them and the blood so that conversation has already started. Like the conversation about why I have big boobies and why I have hair on my gina. Nobody worries about nakedness at our place so they know the difference between boys and girls and all of that - no mysteries there.

They know where babies come from - both vaginally and c/s but they haven't asked how they get there yet. I will deal with that when they ask in an age appropriate and factual manner. I don't think kids should be told untruths but they don't need the full detail until they are developmentally ready to understand it so I break it down to an appropriate level for them to understand.

We are straight fwd with answering Miss H's questions about all things sex related, my mum answered my question of what is sex at age 5 in the same way lol

In this day and age I think it is imperative that kids know the correct names for their genitalia, not these cute lil names people give things.

:

---

Periods - the girls already have an inkling and know a bit about this as I have NO privacy in the toilet whatsoever! They are so observant ie. "what's that string between your legs mummy?" - in the change room at the swimming pool mind you!!! And wearing pads at home they have asked about them and the blood so that conversation has already started. Like the conversation about why I have big boobies and why I have hair on my gina. Nobody worries about nakedness at our place so they know the difference between boys and girls and all of that - no mysteries there.

They know where babies come from - both vaginally and c/s but they haven't asked how they get there yet. I will deal with that when they ask in an age appropriate and factual manner. I don't think kids should be told untruths but they don't need the full detail until they are developmentally ready to understand it so I break it down to an appropriate level for them to understand.

---

I let DD1 watch me change too pads too. I hoped I wasn't the only one who did that!

DD has seen my pads and tampons and knows what they're for. We recently also went shopping for her own to go in her room if she needs them. It will most likely be the same for DS as he gets older and sees them too, as I think boys should know at least the basics of menstruation and that it's normal.

As for access to condoms - I like the idea of having them available in the bathroom. Not sure how old DD will be when I start buying them, we've already talked about sex and safe sex a little bit, as much as she was interested in at the time. I think probably around 15-16, unless she asks earlier (dear god I hope not!). I do recall the rather funny and embarrassing moment when telling ex-DSS (14 at the time) that I was pregnant with DD - he walked into his bedroom, came out with his wallet and handed his father a condom and said "here Dad, shoulda used one of these!"

I don't think I would be having condoms in a common place because I wouldn't want my children feeling like I was checking up on how many they used or anything but will be happy to provide them with their own which they can store and use at their own discretion. I've had two wonderfully accidental pregnancies so I will definitely be reinforcing the importance of protection and wanting to foster an open relationship so I can support them in whatever way they deem appropriate.

My girls both usually end up in the bathroom with me so they know the basics of menstration, my DD1 loves helping with "stickers" lol lovely when she is yelling that out in public bathrooms! When we teach body parts, we use the correct names. We just discuss things are they come up, how babies are made hasn't yet but when it does I'll be happy to provide them with age appropriate information.

Double Post.

I agree with pretty much everything that's been said in this thread. Just wanted to add that as my little one grows up I plan to make sure we take the time to discuss the emotional side of sex and relationships too. I remember my mum being completely open with me about all the scientific side of stuff but never discussing emotions/intimacy etc with me other than sex is something for when you're married. I'm sure it was more a reflection of her education and not being comfortable discussing it herself but I think it's pretty sad that I was left to figure out the most important side of things by osmosis/books/magazines/movies etc. The biology side of thing is simple, working out all the emotional baggage that's involved in 'sex' in our society is the stuff our kids really need guidance with.

Thinking about this a bit more today and I think that this is one area where the village is useful too. As children start to mature it's only normal that they start to seek information from people other than their parents. I think it's part of becoming an adult. If our children have access to a village/extended family of various ages that are open and engaged then they have someone to talk to other than their parents who might be in a position to offer more knowledge than their peers.

just make sure they dont go to the Village Idiot for their sex info ;)

I think you make a great point K4t. I really want to demystify sex so I can talk with my kids about the biggest risk, which I believe is heartbreak and self esteem issues. I hope that by covering the basics of contraception I can limit any physical risk of sex but for me it was having my heart broken and believing myself worthless (or worse, only worth sex but not love) that was the worst side effect of my first sexual encounter. I would love my kids not to experience that, but I would also love for my kids to be able to speak to me or DH if it did happen. I hope that by having open conversations now those barriers to difficult conversations will not be there.

That is a great point. How old are they when they are ready for that discussion?

I talk to DD1 about how others make her feel, and how she makes others feel, so I guess sex is another extension of that.

I'm curious about something! Someone mentioned they will teach their daughters that sex is only for committed relationships. I am wondering now if I should teach her that a healthy respect for sex can be seen in more casual relationships so long as they aren't disrespectful. Some adults enjoy, quite rightly, casual sex, and can engage in it without disrespecting their bodies or other people etc. So I guess I'm pondering whether I want to give the impression that DD's sexual expression MUST be displayed only in some kinds of relationships. I would be trying to also convey that you need to make sure you are mature enough and secure enough in yourself before you do this. :redface:

when I was 5 I started playing leisure suit larry, and I got a pretty good idea of sex from that, and I also read a lot of books when I was 10. But at 15 my mum decided to give me the talk... which consisted off "watch out for those frenchmen, they have a snake in their pants"

Funny thing is I've been thinking about this topic today, my 4.5yo was looking at my breasts differently to what she usually does and asked "What are they called?" I replied that they were breasts and when she was older hers would look like that. She was happy at that, but I realised that she is going to start asking questions and how I respond is going to be important. Thanks for bringing up the topic, some really good points being made!

:

---

I'm curious about something! Someone mentioned they will teach their daughters that sex is only for committed relationships. I am wondering now if I should teach her that a healthy respect for sex can be seen in more casual relationships so long as they aren't disrespectful. Some adults enjoy, quite rightly, casual sex, and can engage in it without disrespecting their bodies or other people etc. So I guess I'm pondering whether I want to give the impression that DD's sexual expression MUST be displayed only in some kinds of relationships. I would be trying to also convey that you need to make sure you are mature enough and secure enough in yourself before you do this. :redface:

---

That is a great point. DH and I are no angels when is comes to this and personally neither of us have a problem with it. I am all for empowering the girls to choose their own path. My mother was very focussed on sex = love, you need a man in your life etc. Absolutely stuffed me when my first real relationship fell over. I want them to know that sex can mean many things.

:

---

"watch out for those frenchmen, they have a snake in their pants"

---

Well, yes. I think it's wise to avoid people with snakes in their pants although to the best of my knowledge the French aren't any more likely to carry snakes in their pants than people of any other nationality. I would probably think the people most likely to carry reptiles in a non-traditional manner would be members of snake handling cults. I think they are mainly based in America although it's possible that they may have adherents from a number of nationalities ;)

i'm so unsure, when to have a discussion (what age? what level of understanding) about periods with my DD. She pegs up my mamma pads when they've been washed and thinks they are pretty. She doesn't understand why i use them. Have no clue when to enlighten her, or how. She's pretty cluey, so i'm sure she's made up some kind of explanation in her own mind already.

She has nightmare issues already, and is pretty sensitive, i'm hesitant to talk about bleeding with her, worried it will scare her.

I talk to my kids about sex but not in great detail. If they ask questions I answer them as age appropriately as possible I don't think they can be too young.

I have a friend who isn't going to be talking to her son till he is 15 in my head I always think good luck with that "/

15? Sheesh, she'll be lucky if he hasn't already had sex by that age. Not to mention that as far as I know sex ed starts in upper primary school now.

my mum didn't have "the talk" with me until I was about 16 and already had a very serious boyfriend. Her words of wisdom were to just say no :rofl: That was really helpful.

DD11 and I had "the" talk last year and the boys were around the same age. Sex ed starts in grade 5 so I wanted them to hear it first from us rather than at school. As others have also said we were always open with the kids and answered any questions they had as they arose.

Regards,
Dianne