[ADVICE] Would you live separately from your husband for an extended period of time?

The issue we have is DH is currently studying IT at TAFE and his lecturers told them yesterday that there is no work here anymore really. Most of the the students will need to move for work. We are seeing this first hand as one of DH's friends did the course last year and cannot find work in the field without moving to a larger city down south.

DS is currently doing speech therapy, occupational therapy and apart of an Early Childhood Development Program that is literally changing his life. We have been on waiting lists for these for a while and the money comes out of our FAHCSIA funding (which runs out when DS is 7). My fear is if we move for DH's work we will go to the bottom of waitlists (some of which can be extensive) and DS will regress. He also takes ages to click with people and I hate to think that he might not 'click' with someone new.

I suggested DH move if he gets a job offer in an area we agree on (pretty much Victoria or parts of NSW) and the kids and I will go down when DS is ready for school (2014). I assume DH could find share housing close to work and public transport to save money for us to move. He could also come up during the year. I'm just so unsure what to do here. It seems silly that we spent all this money and DH's hard work for him to have a diploma he can't use.

Is that crazy?

I don't think it's crazy. I think it's incredibly selfless of both you and your DH to do what's best for your children.

That being said, I think it will be hard. I'm not sure that I could do it.

Hmmm. No I don't think it's crazy. I was recently chatting to a friend, she just had a baby, her DP is ADF and she hardly gets to see him. She moved to QLD from Melbourne when pregnant because that's where he was based, and now she has no family support, no boyfriend, just her. So she's been thinking about moving back to Melbourne. Every family is different. How would you go though, with 4 kids and one on the way by yourself? If you think you could handle it, I don't think it's crazy. After all, like you said, what's the point of all of this studying if DH won't use his degree?

Personally I would get DH to find a different job in the meantime that pays the bills at least and then move when the time is right for all of you..

I couldn't do it and would do the above..

A completely different situation but my DH went away for work for 3 months and it was horrible. He left ADF to be around when we started a family so when he had to go away it was really difficult on all of us. I have 2 older kids too and it was still hard! lol.

I definitely know I could never do it for an extended period of time. Not that I rely on my husband or anything, but the extra parenting person helps more than I ever thought possible.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. things to think about is I'm assuming your DH enjoys what he is studying and wants to use his diploma and its in a field he loves. that would help him being away, would that satisfaction make up for being back with your guys but not working in a job he enjoys itms..

DH and I have been doing a long distance relationship for a fair part of our relationship. I've been trying to work out actually how long but it has been about 50%/50%, I have had to work away, we have though never been more than 3 hours away from eachother (the furthest was when we first started dating and we were in different cities because I was doing my midwifery), since then the furthest has only been 2 hours, so it was possible for me to come home on my days off (simply put 'weekends' even though most of the time it was during the week).

It is hard. communication is the big thing...you have to remember to keep talking to eachother, probably more than you would if you were there everyday. we talk on the phone atleast twice a day, and txt msg eachother all the time (normally only limited by the fact he is driving all day)

we don't have little kids though (yet), so that would change things too, and is a side I have no experience in.

I personally think maintaining your DS's program is really important...and should be a priority. but thats something you guys need to decide.

I hope I helped...Its a bit early and Spock is taking all my brain cells, but if there is any specific questions or anything let me know =) I'd love to help you out.

Talk to the people who are doing his therapy. You never know there might be a way for the funding to go with you, stranger things have happened :)

It is a hard one to call. If you have support where you are it might be worth staying until the baby is born. The other thing is he has to get a job forst and foremost. This could take time.

Is there anyway he could do another course related to IT until you are all ready to move?

I wouldn't do it. We decided to stay where we are currently although my H had a better job offer elsewhere just so our son could continue with his current therapists. Then the plan is to move together and try to find the best school options for our son then. I think breaking your family up like that would negate the positives of keeping your son in therapy.

Thats the other thing. think about what you NEED and want when your little one is born. Things you might not think you do, but being where more people are to help and support you would be the best thing (as feelings etc.. re: Sophie may come up) (sorry to assume, but I imagine it is/going to be hard...) ...please tell me if i'm out of line...

A difficult situation, but no, I would never do it. I couldn't live away from my DH for long at all.

I've done it. Its hard. Really hard, but personally, for me having a break from ex was worth it.

I would not move DS while you have whats working for you. Its not worth it to start all over again, especially when DS doesn't just work with anyone. Especially when you never know how long its going to take to restart it all again.

I would also see if DH can do something else til you're ready to move. & have all your referrals & appointments ready when you go.

What a really tricky situation :(

I could never live apart though, we miss each other enough just during the day and life is so short... but I understand how impotant early intervention is, I'm not sure what we would do if faced with the possibility of moving away from DD1's health professionals... can you talk to them and find out what can happen if you move? Otherwise I think in our case DP would work some other job or continue study till we could all move in 2014.

I don't think I could do it.

My BIL worked in the mines for a while - 2 weeks on, 1 week off type thing. When he came home, his DD had forgotten him (she was probably about 12 months at the time) and by the time she would be getting comfortable with him again, he would have to leave. His DS (2.5yo) also started using a toy as a comforter that he never did before. He ended up quitting & getting a different job where he could be home more with his family.

Nope, I wouldn't cope. And my DD1 needs her Dad. I wonder how your kids would cope without him there everyday?

I'll try and address everyone but bare with me, I'm operating before a coffee here.

DH loves the work, completely and utterly loves it. Short of doing uni, I don't think there's higher for him to go and DH is hesitant to do uni (he has attempted two different degrees and not made it past first year). DH is working his butt off to do well (currently in the top 2% of his class) so I would hate for him to not get to use it. He will finish this course around Speck's due date.

DS' funding is recognizable Australia wide but wait lists vary and what is available to him here may not be available in XYZ.

I have a lot of family close by (within a 15 minute drive) that would be willing to help out and even my BIL and SIL across the road.

Terirae definitely not out of line at all. I worry about that too and I think there's a lot to consider there.

The kids love dad and I would hate for them to miss out on time with him (and him with them). I think I might discuss other options with DH when he gets home tonight and weigh the pros and cons together.

Goodness, what a tough one :hug:

I understand about the lack of jobs thing - my DH would love to move up north as he is a scuba instructor but there's just nothing for me up there, I work in IT. It's all happening in Melbourne... so I get that.

Really tough. I don't have a child with special needs or in therapy so I can't really comment on that, but I have to agree with some of the other comments about would breaking up your family negate the benefits of staying in therapy?

I think you should talk to your therapist/counsellor/case worker/whatever the right person is :) Melbourne/Sydney are not small places, you might be surprised that you can get yourself sorted. Don't know.

As for the bonds your DS has made, well that's a bit harder... short term pain for long term gain?? Not sure, and sorry if that is insensitive - like I said, I'm not in that situation. He will be making new bonds in 2014 anyway, if you all move.

Don't forget - as important as your son is, your relationship with your husband is also important. If you thought maybe a break would be beneficial for you, then great. But if your relationship is all good then it'll be really hard on both of you, as adults and husband and wife. I understand making sacrifices for your kids, but you need to weigh up the costs. I couldn't do it, I need my husband too much.

Ok so speck is due in December 2012? So your DH realistically be looking for work at the start of 2013? So saying that got something and relocated it would be 12 months maximum as I'm assuming you would want to relocated yourself and settled in before your DS starts school in 2014? You would probably want to be there for transition time in Oct/Nov 2013.

That is probably a max of 9 months apart if you think about it like that. I think I could cope with that especially if he came back say once a month. If you do a schedule and plan it I think it would be doable and I wouldn't want to disrupt DS more than once in a transition. He will be disrupted with a school start anyway so will it be worse to have a big move all at once with relocating, school and new support, or a series of disruptions?

Without being in your situation, I can say No, I wouldnt live away from my DH. He travels for work and we both it hate when he's away. We've been through too much to be without each other. No-one else can understand what we've been through except for each other. Life is too short to spend that much time away from each other.

What I find crazy is that there's no work available! What kind of IT is he doing? I think before you look into him moving away for work, look online (seek, careerone, etc) and see what jobs are available or get in touch with local recruitment agencies. DF works in IT and he has never struggled to find a job - on more than one occasion he's quit and within 24 hours has had a new job lined up! Slightly different situation as we live in Adelaide (apparently a lot of companies are moving their IT departments here as everything is cheaper), and obviously depending on the area of IT things could be different, but it still seems very strange to me that there is no work.

Back to your question, personally I wouldn't live away from DF but that's cause we did it last year and we didn't cope. I moved back to Sydney for a job and to help look after my Mum who was in hospital and originally the plan was to stay for 12 months. We saw each other every second weekend and skyped every night but we were both so miserable the whole time. I literally was only every happy every second weekend, and he was very much the same. So it only lasted 6 months.

That said, I have a friend who moved interstate for a job for 18 months and only saw her fiance once every 3 months and they were fine with it. I think it depends on the couple. In the end, you need to do what is right for all of you. While living apart may be hard for awhile, in the long term it might be the best thing for your family.

I couldn't. Apart from DP and I not being able to spend that much time apart, I couldn't do it to the kids.. They would miss their dad like crazy and that's not fair on them...

I would do it only if there was absolutely no alternative, and it was literally the difference between my children eating or not. Otherwise, no way.

My DH had to go overseas for work last year. He was gone for 7 weeks and it was horrible for all of us. He skyped us every day and while the girls adjusted and coped quite well, it was only because I packed their days full of activities and we had a chart counting down to when Daddy would be home again. We both swore that we would never be separated like that again.

I agree with Rivlas - look into transferring your DS's therapies to somewhere that your DH can work. Even if there are waiting lists, you may be able to limit the amount of time that your DH is separated from you and the kids. Alternatively, as a PP said, can your DH postpone his career path until you can either get your son into a programme where there would be work, or until he starts school.

I also agree with Teirae. You've both been through the unimaginable with your darling girl and I can only guess that you will both need each other enormously for support when you bring your beautiful baby home.

Nope I wouldn't.

DH went away for a week a few weeks ago and I missed him so much and had a few meltdowns.


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Firstly I would chat to everyone involved in ds care. See if there is a way the can get him through the system fast, perhaps you could make a trip down south and meet a couple of therapists and see what you think. Another factor is how ds would cope with the move, I'd imagine a lot of preparation would be needed to have him ready enough. All of that can be discussed with those who treat him and maybe work out some kind of action plan.

I would live without dh for a period of time while these things could be worked out. When it's as important as ds health, I would do it until I could be sure that all was in place, be that 6 months, a year, 2 years. I do think it's important that you have regular visits with dh though, so you need to work out if financially it will be worth it etc. you may find its better for him to get a job in a different field until you're ready to move.

So in short, yes I would live without dh but I'd need a plan that would mean we would be all together as soon as possible.


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DH moved interstate for four months when I was pregnant-due-had ds. It was very hard at the time and took about 10months to get back 'together' after both of us having to become so self reliant and focused for so long. We all suffered and I don't think we would choose to do that again

However if one of the kids health depended on it, I'm not sure.

Also would be very hard for you to lose all your support.

I guess my first plan would be to see if I can find wait list times in areas DH would be looking at and then seeing if DH has made any contacts thru his study that might lead to a job in your current area.

Hugs


Iooookopllkd

Really tough decision. Only you can work out what's right for your family. Although I think the majority of opinions here seem to be people saying they couldn't or wouldn't do it there are definitely people who can and do make it successful. You just need to make sure you're happy the benefits outweigh the down sides.

My DH and I work in jobs where we have very little control over where we work from 6 months to 6 months. Over the last 8+years we've probably averaged between 3-6 months apart each year, but thankfully rarely more than 3 hours away. We both knew that was what was best for our careers and agreed to make it work before hand. That said, since we're expecting our first child we're reevaluating how much of that separation we're prepared to accept in future and are likely to change our standards if that makes sense.

If you do decide to live apart maybe consider having a 3 month trial and then reassessing things. It does take time to adjust so don't make decisions about whether it's workable or not too hastily.

DH wouldn't allow for it. He couldn't cope. I know I couldn't cope but he would probably be annoyed if I even suggested it. (that's our experience...however...)

You need to look at money. Is it worth paying for two residences, all the travel you will need to do to and fro.

Personally I don't know what sort of IT degree you are talking about but I would be more inclined to look at national or international positions that are work from home. In IT atm a lot more companies are opening up to this. Less money is spent on bricks and mortar and often the quality of work is better at home than in an office. He can start looking now. Start applying for jobs and see what happens. I would also consider areas before you decide on a job. Decide definitely on an area. Then put your names down for a few different OT's explain your situation that you are moving into the area (don't go into the fact you have your name down at different places obviously).

I know the waiting time is a little while, but if it meant that much to our family for DH to have a job I'd move. I'd keep in contact with the OT I already have get as much information as I can to be able to continue OT at home and go from there.

For me personally it wouldn't be worth the money to have two houses and it wouldn't be worth the stress on the family to be seperated. It would have to be a substantial pay increase, or a dire situation for me to do that.

IF you have a good support network where you are, I would stay for the 2 years until DS went to school. How far away would your DH have to move? My DH is in the ADF and I've had to move away from family support and I feel isolated at times. Before I got pregnant I was an Early Intervention, so I know how hard it is to find those services. Also, if your DS is coming so far, it would be a shame to waste it all - same goes for DH's study. At least give it a go and if it's all to hard you can move. In the meantime, I would investigate the services you would need to access if you move and put your name on the waiting list.

If you didn't have a child with special needs or any support network, the decision would be a lot easier, but imagine being in a city where you don't have any support, trying to deal on your own while DH is at work all day. I have a typically developing toddler and a few friends from play group, but being on my own with DS all day does my head in sometimes! If I lost my one day off (daycare on Tuesdays) I don't know what I would do!

I will add I'm in Far North Qld and DH is looking at Adelaide (which I'm not keen on) or Melbourne (which I love). So a few hours flight away, definitely couldn't drive the kids there. DH is going to start looking for work now, sussing out if there is anything up here (there doesn't seem to be anything at the moment but hopefully it changes) before we look further away.

No. My DH has always done Fifo type work, since we first met. We struggle when we are apart. I tend to grow resentful, and on his return i feel like an intruder is messing up my house/routines etc.

I accept that work is important, but your DH hasn't even started looking. He may find something turns up unexpectedly and it might be perfect. He may also be more likely to get offered a job as he has a family and stability, which might be lacking in other applicants. It's great he loves his work. Hopefully that comes through to prospective employers. I do get that it's tough. My sister lives in FNQ and she is an IT consultant. She mostly works in Melbourne, but has no kids, so it's not such an issue.

You will do what is best for you all babe.

If that is your DH moving then that is what happens until Master A is old enough.

I'll probably be in this situation next year, with my OH being away out of the country 2 weeks out of 4 for the next 5 years. While we have no kids it won't be that bad, once we do, then it could be interesting. I may contemplating moving closer to family & the nature of my OH's job is that we can live anywhere in the world.

I just had a quick look on Seek and Careerone out of curiosity (clearly I'm super busy at work :lol: ) and there are IT positions available up that way. It's hard to say if they are suitable, not knowing what area of IT you DH is getting into, but there is stuff out there. The idea of work from home is a great one. Even if a position is based in another city and your DH would have to go in every now and again for meetings, etc, it would be worth looking at if it means he's home most of the time.

Just curious, what is it about Adelaide that you're not keen on? I'll admit I'm somewhat bias ;), but moved here from Sydney and don't regret it for a second. Much prefer the lifestyle here plus it is much cheaper than Sydney (or Melbourne).

I could do it, but I wouldn't do it (again)
FIFO was hard enough, but extended period, nope. Certainly not with 4 kids and a newborn. :hug: I would chat to DSs carers and work out what can be done and then look at the options.
Like L&B said, life is too short.

Miss dee DH is doing a diploma of networking. This is going to sound ridiculous but I'm not keen on the heat. I think the only reason he's even thinking about this is DH wants to move out of Cairns and he knows we have until DS goes off to school to do it or it'll be so much harder.

Thanks for all the feedback guys, so much to think about.

Gees, as I read all these replies I'm feeling a bit callous and dysfunctional...

We live apart, and work is the reason. It works well for us. I stayed put in town so the kids could still do all their stuff and I still had my network and DH works in a very remote community. Admittedly none of my kids have special needs though.
My DH took his job for both promotion purposes, because he loves the work and because the money was too good for us to pass up.
I am very independent after doing this for so long (16months now), and we both know it isn't forever. Where I live this is a very common practice.

I'm with you Kim.

DH and I are head over heels crazy in love. Sometimes I feel ppl think we only work BECAUSE we live apart most of the time. But its not like that at all!! We do struggle and we find it really hard at times, but we are both determined and dedicated to eachother and have to put in that extra little bit to make it work. It's not by choice, if we could have it the other way we would! but this is what we needed to do to get the money we needed to have our baby, we wayed it all up and worked out it was what we needed to do. there was no other way.

In saying that, I can't really see it being an option for us when Spock comes. which does kind of put us in a bind, because of money issues, and we don't know what will happen when I have to return to work, which there is a high chance that will be away from home again =(

I guess it all depends on what you are comfortable with. I have lived apart from DH (about 1.5hrs) & we saw each other every weekend. That was pre-kids. I missed him like crazy and couldn't wait for it to end. It was about 18months in total. I really struggle with the kids. I love them to bits but motherhood hasn't come naturally for me. I have also just lost a big part of my support network. So for me, I know I couldn't do it. If you have a great support network and you believe your relationship will survive and this is the best choice for your kids as well, then it would be the right choice for you. I think I would look for work closer to home first, even if it isn't exactly what he wants, but keep your options open for moving before your DS starts school.

Just curious... if you decide that it might work, and he moves to find a job or work at the job, I'd try to make it easily reversible. So that if things don't go as planned, he can get back asap, without needing to give 6 months notice at work, or cancel a lease, etc etc. Is that at all possible?

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Miss dee DH is doing a diploma of networking. This is going to sound ridiculous but I'm not keen on the heat. I think the only reason he's even thinking about this is DH wants to move out of Cairns and he knows we have until DS goes off to school to do it or it'll be so much harder.

Thanks for all the feedback guys, so much to think about.

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Do you mean the temp? Cause while it does get high, it's a very dry heat so it's not so bad. I handle 40 degree days here much better than I ever handled a 30 degree day in Sydney. If you like the humidity though, then yeah, Adelaide would not be great for you.

Just had a chat with DF about networking roles. He said that your DH will have a much better chance of finding work if he is happy to do anything, say support, with some networking, rather than something that is solely network focussed. That's why DF is never out of work (literally, he quit one job on the Thursday, finished the Friday, had a phone interview that night and was offered the job the Monday morning and they wanted him to start that afternoon), because he is willing to do other things. In the end it means more experience and more future opportunities. Apparently the people that tend to teach are the ones who can't actually make it in the industry so they tend to be a bit pessimistic about job prospects. DF said he is happy to look over your DH's resume if he wants to see if there's anything he can change/add to better his chances at finding something.

Another place to look at if your DH is going to move is Canberra. The amount of IT jobs is INSANE! Most of them are federal govenrment which pays really well, and if he is competent and does his job well he would really exceed there.

Just commenting about the heat in Adelaide; I moved from Biloela (near Rocky) to Adelaide and I found that I didn't realize it was 40 for the first few years as its definitely a dry heat but over the 15yrs or so that I've been here since I do notice the heat as I've acclimatized to the dry heat.


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Could DH move and then put DS on waiting lists ASAP so you could move as soon as spots come up? That way you might get the best Of both worlds - DH could work in his chosen field and DS could keep up with his appointments and hopefully you won't be apart for too long....