I bought a tin of formula :(

Me again.

A couple of nights ago, I bought a tin of formula online. Looked around for a product that was both organic as it could be, and as ethically owned/produced as possible (aka not Nestlé). So, it's on its way over to me now. And I feel like **** about it. I don't want to give DD formula. The last few days I've been giving her one or two small cups of cows milk (read into goats milk more after links here, also I tried DD on it initially and she had a hellish night of belly pain), but my milk is all but gone for now. I want to give her EBM, but then there's all this stupid guilt associated with her having someone else's milk. And I know this is my own stuff, but milk from a stranger worries me. I know that's my own crap I need to get over. Anyway.

I'm still sourcing EBM, I'd rather supplement with that any day. Not even sure if I will use the formula, I'm pretty loathe to. No point to this post, other than a bit of a vent. I'm slowly accepting that this is out of my control, and that I need to accept a new type of normal now. On a slight positive note, DD's food intake has increased a lot in the last few days, which is as reassuring as it can be.

Don't let milk from a stranger worry you.. Ask them for blood tests, ask about their lifestyle. Most women have pre natal testing done and are very open about their lifestyle when donating.... What is it you are worried about? On the small possibility a woman may have something the chances of it being passed through ebm are very small.. Whatever you decide to do, don't feel guilty, you are making an informed choice what else can you do?

PZ, it sucks when you feel forced into a corner, doing something you aren't comfortable with. I have no advice re BF, just wanted to offer some support. If you wanted to avoid formula, is there other "milks" like almond and rice milk you could try?

I feel like I'm letting my irrational emotions (and if I'm honest, convenience) get in the way of what I know is an informed decision. To me, formula is easier than sourcing milk constantly. Otherwise, why the heck doesn't everyone do it, why does it exist at all? Is it rude to ask for blood tests? I don't know. I know I need to (wo)man up. I feel so vulnerable right now, so close to cracking.

No advice, but I don't think there's anything wrong with formula. There are many to chose from that are organic. You can get soy or goat formula.
This is coming from someone who had no milk and a hungry child.

PZ,

I know how much you want to BF Miss I. I think that is such an amazing and beautiful thing, but this is will be just one of many times in her life that you'll have to make a decision that won't be what is ideal, but may be the best thing for everyone involved.

I weaned Charlie at 11 months of age. For a variety of complicated reasons, I felt that I had to, the least of which was that I didn't have enough milk (I had tonnes), so it was a difficult and sad decision for me. But it was the right one in hindsight, even if it didn't feel like it at the time.

Giving her formula may be the right decision right now, as much as you may not want it to be. Or deciding to wean her directly onto a cup (which I did with both DD, who self-weaned at 9 months, and Charlie). Let go of beating yourself up for your body physiologically struggling to cope with lack of sleep, pregnancy and everything else (including your living arrangements) and make the decision that is most pragmatic.

I promise you, you will face decisions like this throughout your children's lives, and sometimes, you just need to take the road that will save your own sanity.

If cows milk gave her a stomach ache, could you give her another form of milk that isn't formula?

Formula is convenient, sourcing ebm is a pain at first, but you will find once 1 person donates word gets out. have you tried any natural parenting fb pages? i put a call out in my mum's area and now when i go there on holidays i have ebm waiting.. Formula is there, DD will never go hungry, but honestly if you want ebm, you'll find it.. It is NOT rude to ask for blood tests and lifestyle questions. most mums will volunteer the info anyway..

PZ, I know you are committed to BF but formula isnt poison. Nor are you superwoman. You need to cut yourself some slack - emotionally and physically. Donated EBM might be a great solution, but if it's not feasible, formula will be fine.

In years to come, do you think that it is really going to make a difference that you supplemented her diet with some milk out of a tin?? It will be far from the worse thing she ingests/eats/drinks as a child, I promise you.

In the meantime, it may be disappointing initially, but noone is judging or keeping score, except you. And, like I said, you need to stop being so harsh on yourself. It's not good for you, or either of your little ones.

Sorry, but I just worry you set these impossibly high standards for yourself based on a notion of what you think you have to do to be a good parent. But the reality is a good parent does what they need to do and adapts as they need to. You dont need to feel guilty. Isla is very lucky to have you as a mum.

take care, and, above all, go easy on yourself x

Hey pz, I've had to introduce one bottle of formula a day to DS as I just need my sanity. He's been feeding all night and I haven't been getting any breaks.

I felt awful about it. I had the tin in the house 2 weeks before I used it but now that I am it isn't so bad. I even got 4 hrs sleep straight last nigh - the most sleep in a row since I found out I was pregnant.

I have a friend who became pregnant when her DD was 7 months and she had some issues to begin with but she is still feeding both and they are 14 and 21 months old. It is possible but don't stress yourself too much.

:hug:

Don't beat yourself up about it PZ. You've done nothing wrong and absolutely everything right. So many would just pick up the closest tin on the shelf if Coles and be done with it. You've made informed, intelligent decisions in the best interests of your girl.

I was a formula feeding mum through necessity after varying times of breastfeeding and you know what? My girls are gorgeous. There's no damage to our emotional bond. They're happy, healthy little girls. Its not what I wanted but hey, it happens.

I have absolutely no experience in donated EBM, but can only say that if I was donating I would probably be concerned if the donee mum DIDN'T ask me about my lifestyle choices, blood tests etc.

You're doing a great job, and have no reason to feel anything but proud of what you're doing - growing one gorgeous new life while doing the absolute best you can for your daughter.

I agree with N2L, PZ. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are an excellent mum & Isla has chosen her mummy very well as it is clear that she is very much loved & cared for. :hug:

PZ I agree with N2L, you aren't a superwoman and should go gentle on yourself. I know how much feeding your baby can be an emotional decision and when things don't go as planned it can be very, very stressful and raise heaps of emotions. When your plan A doesn't go to plan there is so much to weigh up because contingency plans involve all kinds of compromise. I wanted to BF so much and was so disappointed when I couldn't. It was so hard to accept, I cried a lot and got angry at myself a lot. My story is different to yours I know.

Whilst I was lucky enough to be able to EE for 12 months I decided for a range of factors to end it at 12 months and move onto formula (we needed the calories so couldn't go straight to milk), and soy formula of all types (I didn't want to use soy due to it's bad press). It was really emotional to stop BF and I worried about formula and losing the connection that being able to feed my baby created. Now I'm weaned I realise my connection is still there.

Look after yourself!!

double post...somehow

Just posting as someone who donated BM regularly... No its not rude to ask for blood tests, its perfectly normal! No one will bat an eyelid. One Mama i donated to was happy with my pre-natal tests, another offered to cover the cost of me having brand new blood tests (was about $50) but i would be more surprised if someone didn't ask for them. Love to you as you work it through.

PZ she is 11 months old. For all you know she could decide to up and refuse the breast or bottle any day, as all 4 of mine did just before or not long after their first birthday. While its nice to have a goal, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way :hug:

You have given her the best start possible :) Move on from that now (I know its hard when you're not quite ready, so it's OK to grieve) and enjoy your baby as she turns the corner into toddlerhood and independence.

Thankyou guys. To be clear, I'm not knocking formula, or judging others. It's just not right for us. I feel bad about making a choice based on my own convenience over DD, because I know I can get EBM. A silly part of me said, well I'd rather ABM than feeling inferior to another woman's BM. Like I said, my own crap.

I took a step forward and contacted a woman on HM4HB about some milk. If that doesn't work out, I'll try again, and again. I guess I'm just feeling so down lately. I'm trying to be positive and embrace this situation for what it is, but I'm not quite there yet. I just need to keep reminding myself, my milk will be back in 7 or so months, and DD can resume BF (not that I'm going to stop, but she can actually get some milk again after baby is here).

:hug: Hopefully the woman from HM4HB gets back to you and you don't even need the formula (or you at least don't need it as often!). Could you do a SNS kind of thing so Miss I still has the closeness when she wants it?

You're making the choice that suits your family best. Remember what you've been saying to me about the choices I made in labour? Things like working with the situation, doing what was right in the moment? Same deal here. :comfort:

PZ, I know what being a mum is like, we all do. You become self-sacrificing to a fault. You will throw yourself under a car to save your child. I understand that.

But in the last few years I've also come to understand that if you don't take care of YOU, you will not necessarily be the best mother for your child. I worry that you think you're forsaking Miss I 'for your own convenience' because your sanilty, your attitude to life, you ability to cope with everything directly corresponds with hers. If you feel beaten down, overwhelmed, at the end of your rope, then you are not at your best equipped to deal with everything.

You can tell me to shut up and **** off if you want, but I say this out of love. You need to let go of trying to control every single bit of this, because I can see that it's doing your head in. People deal with 1) pregnancy, 2) breastfeeding issues, 3) a fretful, non-sleeping baby, c) living with parents and d) working on their marriage but NOT all at the same time and expect to keep on keeping on.


This one is easy. She needs milk, you don't have enough. Give her milk. EBM if you can get it and it's NOT hard or inconvenient, but if not, formula (and from everything you've said, the kind of formula you're most comfortable with).

To take care of Miss I and the baby in your belly, you need to take care of you too. End of story.

Have you thought about a supply line to feed her hun? that way shes still on your breast and doesnt need a bottle? might make the process a little easier on you mentally

Hun - I know how passionate you are about breastfeeding. I am too. But at the end of the day, if she needs milk, she needs milk.

My sister is also passionate about bf and had to deal with her DD self-weaning at 13 months and her DS self-weaning at 10 months :( It devastated her. Nothing she could do would encourage them to keep feeding. And she had plenty of milk. I'm pretty sure it still bugs her, as I think this will continue to be a thorn in your side, but you need to process it and try and move on.

I agree with sushee completely as well - you need to look after you. You've got so much going on right now, I really think you need to just take it one day at a time, one step at a time. This is one step.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Oi, be kind to yourself miss! Early pregnancy hormones can really knock you about, I know this time I went completely nuts and didn't know why, as it was a surprise... none the less didn't make it easier when I did know. Try and find some time to relax, breathe deep and ask yourself from a position of calm what you need to do. We don't make good decisions or ones we're happiest with when we're stressed or under pressure. Be kind... ask yourself in calm... you'll know the answer.

:hug: There is so much letting go when you're a parent. Not just the letting go as your child grows up and becomes independent but also letting go of your own plans and hopes for parenting. I think that this is one of these times. You have an ideal but reality is intruding. You've done really well to get this far and Isla is so well loved. I'm sure she's going to be ok.

Whatever decision you make should be in the best interests of Isla, the bundle on board, and yourself obviously. If FF-top ups is the answer, so be it. There should never be any shame or guilt associated with feeding a child, FF or BF. I think you've done an awesome job at sourcing EBM for her thus far. You can't say you 'never tried' or 'gave in easily', because you obviously have been fighting this 'transition' since becoming UTD.
All the best PZ, I hope this situation smoothes (or rather BUMPS out!) soon. XX

Onyx's last post before mine is one you should take to heart hunni. On the mark she is with that one. xx

Big hugs honey
I was devistated when I had to stop bf. I still miss it but baby girl is happy and healthy and its worked out ok. It will work out ok for you too.
Your preggy and feeling not so great, so be gentle with yourself. It will work its self out, some times these things take alittle more time then we feel we have to sort out but it will. Your doing such a great job. :)

PZ, have you spoken to an ABA counsellor at all? They are trained to help mothers with all sorts of things, including the grief associated with weaning.

All I can say is that what you're feeling is valid and understandable. Sometimes our brains tell us things need to be a certain way and we know the logic is sound, but our hearts - and in this case it's really our lower mammalian brains - tell us something else entirely. You can rationalise it all you like, but your feelings are what they are. :hug:
You can work through this with help, time and understanding.

Alot of wonderful posts here, I hope you can find some peace. Just a thought & discard it if you want - perhaps try looking at BF, EBM (yours or other peoples) and formula as food/milk & that is all? Just a source to fill your DD up from what she doesn't intake in food. It may help to take out the emotion of not being able to bf as successful as you'd like at this point in time? And like you said, it might be just a small break and once your hormones settle she might go back to bf more. Look after yourself - emotionally I mean. Sushee made excellent points in her post.

An update. I sent a message yesterday to a local lady who had a big surplus of EBM from February to now that she was willing to donate. She came over today and gave it to us :) I did it, I took that step, reached out and got the help I needed. I know I'll have to keep reaching out, but the kindness of this woman really touched me. So yeah, that's where I'm at. Accepting that I do need to majorly supplement, but comfortable that it's with EBM. Best of a bad situation I reckon :)

That's fantastic PZ.. It's hard to reach out sometimes.. But if DD can't have your milk at least she's having the next best thing :)

Thanks so much blessedatlast, it was your PM's and support that got me there :hug:

That's great PZ :)

Great news :)

Just out of interest, did you end up asking her to have a blood test?

Awesome PZ :D.

:leap: That's awesome!

I'm always do in awe of you, even when you're not sure of yourself. I mean, how many people would research things so intensely *just in case* they need something? I know I wouldn't have :)

that's fantastic pz. you really pushed yourself out of your comfort zone :D

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You sound much happier about it PZ. That's great to hear

Well, just gave DD her first bottle of donated milk (tried all different cups, even our Medela Calma bottle...nup, she likes the good old avent lol). Drank 70ml of 120ml, put the rest in the fridge for later. Mixed emotions, but honestly, mainly relief. And so much gratitude.

Great job PZ, keep up the good spirits :)

It is hard, I cried the first time DS had a bottle.. and that was MY milk.. By the time he had someone else's milk he was being tube fed and I felt like such a failure anyway, I didn't care who's milk it was... I just found comfort in the fact it was still booby juice :) Even if it did have 'fortifier' in it lol..

Just remember PZ this wont be forever...I bet I'll be hearing stories of tandem feeding in a few months time :D