Pregnancy Annoucements and IVFers

Printable View

May 31st, 2012, 06:09 AM
Bloom

Pregnancy Annoucements and IVFers

So here is the situation: we are surprisingly pregnant naturally, after having IVF for our first two boys.

Just before we found out we were pregnant BIL and SIL announce that they are starting their first round of IVF, which is no big suprise as SIL has had PCOS/endo/pelvic issues since her teens and they are a bit older.

Of course, one of our first thoughts on getting a positive at about 6 weeks along was how to tell BIL and SIL. We were hoping to wait till a few weeks after their results were back and tell them when I was 14 weeks. Then we rethought that and decided to tell them in a low key way before their test, as I have been very ill and we felt we needed to explain my odd behaviour to the family. BIL said that SIL had been very emotional about the IVF cycle and so we decided that DH should tell BIL (his brother) and then leave it to BIL to break it to SIL when he thought best.

As an IVFer I've always felt that it would be best to find out about someone else's pregnancy by phone so that I'm not surprised in person and only have to say "oh yay congratulations" quickly before I can end the phone call to cry in private. But I know everyone is different.

This was now 14 days ago that BIL told SIL and we haven't heard anything from them. Normally we would probably have seen them on the weekend or at least I would have had a text/email from SIL during the weeks (we are a pretty close family). Their cycle hasn't worked - AF came a few days after we told them our news.

I completely understand that they are upset and dealing with their own issues but I am also disappointed for me that we haven't even got a congratulations text or anything. I now wonder if they are ever going to mention that I am pregnant or do they expect that nothing will be said about it for the next 7 months till I pop out a baby? Maybe they don't want to talk about it, which I understand and I won't be going on and on about it.

Would you have made contact by now? Am I being unreasonable in expecting some form of congratulations?
May 31st, 2012, 06:47 AM
Rosey

Ofcourse your not unreasonable to want a congratulations. If I was them I would have sent a text message. I'm not sure what you should do if you don't get a congrats from them, it's delicate but that doesn't mean your miracle should go uncelebrated.
May 31st, 2012, 07:10 AM
BlackRose

Not unreasonable at all. This little miracle will become part of their family too and Is a cousin for any of their future children. And it's not going to go away..

I would give SIL a call and commiserate with her about how her IVF round didn't work. You know first hand the emotional physical roller coaster that this plays on a woman and couple. Lend an ear and see if she'll talk. But eventually bring up your pregnancy acknowledging how difficult it was for you to tell them knowing what they were going through. That you totally understand if she doesn't want to talk about it and that you'll give her time to get used to the idea...

I dunno. I'm not an IVFer myself so maybe I am not suggesting the right approach :dunno: . I just want you to be able to celebrate your miracle with your family :hug:
May 31st, 2012, 07:58 AM
Joeve

I think because you have done ivf it would be good for you to give her a call talk about how she is feeling and I am sure she will want to talk about your wonderful news.
You are so right to have not told her in person. As someone who has just done a ivf cycle that hasn't worked and has had 3 yep 3!! People blurt their pregnancy news to my face in the past few days I much prefer the one person who texted me her news!
TBH the head space I am in is not any that I experienced before so while I agree she should have congratulated you I can understand why she is avoiding you it's not personal it's just that horrible selfish feeling in the form of 'why not me' that comes with infertility as I am sure you know.
Call her :)
May 31st, 2012, 08:03 AM
MummyNaomi

Leave it for a bit longer, their pain from the failed cycle is probably still raw

I avoided pregnant people like the plague when we were cycling,its just a coping mechanism. Their avoidance is to do with their current situation, and nothing to do with not being happy for you.

They'll celebrate and acknowledge your happy news soon enough, you can never under estimate the pain of empty arms when someone else has a baby, child or is expecting, or the overwhelming fear those arms will be empty forever

They are taking the time / space they need and you just need to respect it

But congrats :)

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
May 31st, 2012, 08:16 AM
luna moth

I really struggle with saying Congratulations. Don't know why, it just (still) takes me ages to process a PA. I like to think I'm still nice about it, I just can't congratulate anyone, at least not straight away.

So, yeah, give them the time and the space, it's ok to feel hurt. They'll come back to you.
May 31st, 2012, 08:40 AM
RhiChiChi

I only did two IVF cycles, so certainly not a seasoned IVFer but I like BlackRoses suggestion. You need to call her and check on her about her failed cycle, she may not want to talk and that is ok but letting her know that you are there if she needs you would be a nice gesture. I am unsure if I would bring up the pg news as she already knows and like Audax has said not everyone can say congratulations show that they are happy when the present moment they are in is really ****e.

I certainly distanced myself from pg people and didn't really talk about my IVF cycles b/c we had done IUI first and all three cycles had failed so I felt even crappier when people would ask how I was going and I had to say no good. We only told immediate family that we were doing IVF and the first cycle failed which was blardy awful. Two months later a friend announced a pg (unassisted) and I was ok with it but she had done IVF for her second baby so it softened the blow a little. It still hurt & she posted her news on FB. I would have preferred a txt from her would but she told me later in person she just didn't know how to tell me, which I understand.

If they are unfortunate not to fall pg I couldn't imagine how difficult it would be to be around someone pg, regardless of you having prior issues falling pg. It is really tough b/c you have been on both sides of the coin & falling pg naturally is amazing after having to do IVF. It is really hard and you have every right to celebrate your pg, just don't flaunt it around your BIL & SIL. Compassion and discretion at this time I would advise. HTH
May 31st, 2012, 09:22 AM
nothing2lose

:

Ofcourse your not unreasonable to want a congratulations. If I was them I would have sent a text message. I'm not sure what you should do if you don't get a congrats from them, it's delicate but that doesn't mean your miracle should go uncelebrated.

With all due respect Rosey, you don't know what you would do unless you've been in that situation.

The grief from IVF failure is horrible. It's not just another BFN. It is THE BFN. IVF is a last resort for many and for almost half of those who go through it, it never works.

I agree your miracle should be celebrated Bloom. But they also need to mourn their miracle that never came.

Congratulations on your pregnancy x
May 31st, 2012, 10:00 AM
Rach83

Don't take it personally.

They are grieving and the fact that you have what they desperately long for is hard to handle.

I haven't had IVF but my best friend has had 5 failed attempts and watched myself and her sister, and now her other sister and myself again, get pregnant. I struggled that she wasnt there for me as much as I would have liked, until I had my miscarriages. It isn't the same situation but it helped me understand where she was coming from.

She isn't punishing you, she is just distancing herself for a while to deal with her own world crumbling.

Give her time. And don't take it personally.
May 31st, 2012, 10:34 AM
Miss_Dee

Personally I think you should have had least received a text, but I can certainly understand why you haven't. I think yuo did the right thing telling them in a way that was a low key as possible. I can only imagine how hard and disappointing it is to have an unsuccessful round of IVF, but after months of TTC and basically giving up on falling naturally due to PCOS and not ovulating, friends announced at a BBQ gathering with loads of people that they were expecting. I plastered on the happy face and congratulated them because I was so happy for them (and I was too embarrassed to let it show how crushed I was), even though it killed me inside that they fell straight away (after they were told to expect problems and likely have to resort to IVF) and I couldn't. Despite how unhappy I was about my situation, I wasn't going to begrudge them for getting something they also desperately wanted. I was glad for my friends that they didn't have the constant disappointment that it 'wasn't happening' like I did.

Try reaching out to her. It could be one of those cases where she couldn't deal with it at first, and now it feels like she's left it too long?
May 31st, 2012, 12:13 PM
Rosey

:

With all due respect Rosey, you don't know what you would do unless you've been in that situation.

The grief from IVF failure is horrible. It's not just another BFN. It is THE BFN. IVF is a last resort for many and for almost half of those who go through it, it never works.

I agree your miracle should be celebrated Bloom. But they also need to mourn their miracle that never came.

Congratulations on your pregnancy x

Your right I don't know the pain of IVF, I'm sorry if that was insensitive. It did take us years and I know I sent a couple of congratulatory texts in that time.

Good luck Bloom I hope you & your SIL can talk about things soon.
May 31st, 2012, 12:25 PM
Bloom

Thanks for all your input. I guess the years have some what dampened the initial pain and fear and grief so it was good to be reminded of what they are going through.

Thank you too for all your congratulations. Sometimes it feels like this pregnancy is something to be ashamed of, to be spoken of in hushed tones as if I were heartless to get pregnant now.

Thanks for the reassurance that we broke the news in the right way as I was a bit worried that they may have been somehow offended by the manner of the telling.

Joeve and Miss Dee - yes! I know that sinking feeling of horror when you get a pg announcement in person. My first thoughts are "ok, happy face on, say congratulations and how long till I can get out of here" - it is like an out of body experience being happy on the outside and in a pit of despair inside.

I'm going to try and organise family lunch for the weekend and hope that SIL comes. Of course, I won't talk about the pregnancy really at all and hopefully with time they will accept it. I will respect their grieving process.

But, but, but, a tiny selfish bit of me still thinks that surely a text, even if not entirely sincere, wouldn't have been too hard for them...
May 31st, 2012, 12:56 PM
Junglemum

Could you send her a text saying you're sorry her cycle failed and hoped she was ok? Maybe it will be the ice breaker she needs to contact you?

She is probably so caught up in her own emotions and grief she's not thinking as she normally would.

Although it would be nice to get a text I can understand if she's not thinking straight and engulfed in her own misery. Hopefully she'll surface soon.

Congrats on your pregnancy. :-)
May 31st, 2012, 01:40 PM
Tegam

I am so sorry. This must be very upsetting for you.

Sorry but I feel your SIL is being selfish.
May 31st, 2012, 02:35 PM
Lenny

I like what Rach83 said. She's not punishing you. It's great that you are all a close family, but we all process things differently. When you feel is the right time for her, may be the very wrong time in her mind.

She probably doesn't want to talk about it. Perhaps you can explain to her in a text that you understand her pain re the failed cycle. You want to help her with her TTC/AC journey if she needs it, but that you get that it's hard to be around pregnant people.

Congrats again on your pregnancy. Don't be disappointed in her. It'd be nice for you if she congratulated you, but it might be more painful for her than she can bear right now.
May 31st, 2012, 03:07 PM
LionsandBears

I know it's nice for others to be happy for you and maybe they are. Maybe they're not. So what? Does them not saying congratulations in any way take away from your pregnancy? Are you less pregnant or less happy about it? Someone saying congratulations, either genuinely or through gritted teeth doesn't change anything, unless you let it affect you.

You have what they don't and may never be able to have. Let go your expectations. They're entitled to their grief just as you're entitled to your joy. let go the guilt as well. It doesn't help you and it doesn't help them.
May 31st, 2012, 03:26 PM
MummyNaomi

:

Sorry but I feel your SIL is being selfish.

Wow - sorry Tegam but that comes across as completely lacking in any compassion whatsoever. Brutal!!

The SIL would have just gone though a month of hell with her cycle only to find it a complete failure from an emotional, medical and financial point of view. Her world and dreams for the future could quite possibly be crumbling around her - giving her the grace of a few weeks to get through it / process it is really is no big ask from family and friends that have her best interests at heart.

I can honestly say that from my experience while cycling - the world outside my attempts to get pregnant simply ceased to exist, it's not selfish to protect yourself from pain and suffering when you are at your most vulnerable, its simply self preservation.

Bloom - if you want to open the lines of communication and reach out to her so you can both chat about your situation - perhaps send her some flowers that simply let her know you are thinking about her. I know after we had our first child via IVF, the pain and rawness definitely is dulled, you forget how damn hard it is at the time. I can assure you that when your BIL and SIL are in the right headspace, you will receive the genuine congratulations you are after. I wouldn't push for it earlier - otherwise all you will be getting will be an obligatory congrats - you don't want that.
May 31st, 2012, 03:57 PM
nothing2lose

I'm not sure of your history Bloom, but if all of your IVF cycles were successful (sorry, not sure how many you have done), her feelings of failure may be compounded by your repeated success.
May 31st, 2012, 04:22 PM
Pholi

I know that if I had a failed cycle, the last thing I would want is a newly-pregnant woman calling to commiserate with me, even if she'd had IVF before. It would be really hard to see it as anything other than gloating, even if your intentions are genuine and supportive.

Just give her space and time, and let her come to you, or at most have your DH gently approach BIL.
May 31st, 2012, 04:48 PM
Ilithyia

I faced the same challenges when announcing this pregnancy.

My Sister recently had a miscarriage after LTTTC. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I thought "How am I going to tell her?" especially since it had only been a bit over a week since her miscarriage.

I thought about holding it off but decided that just coming out and telling her was the best method. So I decided to send her a text message rather than putting her on the spot over the phone. My text said "I just wanted to let you know that I'm pregnant. I'd rather you hear it from me than from anyone else. I realise that it may hurt your feelings but I feel that it would hurt you more if you discovered that I had been keeping it from you".

She replied with "Ok. Thanks". No Congratulations or anything of the sort.

It did hurt that she didn't congratulate me but I realise that the issues that refused to let her congratulate me are hers, therefore they are legit. I wasn't going to lose any sleep over it because I wasn't going to let her "issues" (as legit as they are) rain on my parade so to speak.

So my advice to you, let the dust settle. It does hurt to hear of other people's glories when you are living a life of hell wishing to have the same glory. But in saying that, I don't believe its fair to make people feel uncomfortable or inadequte because they aren't living the same hell.

I believe your SIL will come around time. She just needs time to adjust. In the mean time, enjoy this blessing which you have been given.
xx
May 31st, 2012, 05:27 PM
Footsteps

Iv been TTC for over 2 years and am actually starting ivf very soon. I had a m/c last year and at the time and even now its so hard hearing about pregnancys etc. I got pregnant 6 years ago and mc at 10 weeks and at the time 2 of my sisters where pregnant and a 3rd was pregnant a few months later. I congratulated them but did distance myself for a long time. Huge hugs x
May 31st, 2012, 05:33 PM
Saffy

Give her more time,she will eventually talk about, and enjoy your pregnancy with you.

The timing was just really bad re your announcement and her bfn- not your fault of course, and big congrats to you-but she just needs to grieve her loss.

My sister recently announced her pregnancy, and even though I am currently pregnant, it still stung, and she waited until I got my bfp to announce- its just hard to explain but the scars of infertility and losses just go so deep. Its nothing you have done and nothing against you but I know for me there were just some people's pregnancies I could not mention or acknowledge.

It might take her a while, but if I were you i would wait for her to make the next move. You know she will love her niece/nephew, she just can't show it at the moment. :hug:
May 31st, 2012, 05:55 PM
Miss.September

I've been through this with SIL and only now is she coming around. I won't lie and pretend it's not hard, but I know it's been hard for both of us. I got really upset in the beginning that she wouldn't acknowledge me having a baby.

What I had to learn was that while I couldn't help being upset by her reaction, she couldn't help her reaction to my news. The hardest bit that I had to deal with was that she'd been overjoyed at her sister's sudden pregnancy yet full on resentfulness of mine, even though mine followed a miscarriage and it's own heartbreak.

Hang in there, she will come around eventually. Just don't push it on her. If SIL asks anything to do with me being pg, I'm honest about how I'm feeling, but I don't drag it out. I don't want to hurt her and I try not to think about it when I'm having my own fragile moments :hug:
May 31st, 2012, 07:01 PM
Tegam

:

Wow - sorry Tegam but that comes across as completely lacking in any compassion whatsoever. Brutal!!
.

That's ok you feel that way, but I think it is selfish. It's brutal to not offer congratulations.

It's brutal to be pregnant with a new life and someone close to you ignore it. Or it to become the great unsaid.

It happened to be for years. Both my sister and sil went thru ivf at the time we were having number three.
And lions and bears I think it does change things greatly and yes it eats up some of the joy :(

I've lost two babies. Neither of my sil or sister have. Should I not offer congratulations when they fall? Should I be upset they had it so easy to never experience a loss, NO WAY.

I stand by what I said. Selfish and insensitive.
May 31st, 2012, 08:50 PM
MummyNaomi

I dunno that 14 days equates to 'the great unsaid' though in fairness

If Bloom got months into her pregnancy or even to birth with no acknowledgement, then yep, totally agree with you that it would be inappropriate that BIL & SIL had not said anything or acknowledged the amazing event of her pregnancy. But the reality is - the context is 14 days as Bloom herself said. A human cant be expected to get through all the stages of grief and move on and put on their happy face in that time.
May 31st, 2012, 09:11 PM
myturn

:

Could you send her a text saying you're sorry her cycle failed and hoped she was ok? Maybe it will be the ice breaker she needs to contact you?

She is probably so caught up in her own emotions and grief she's not thinking as she normally would.

Although it would be nice to get a text I can understand if she's not thinking straight and engulfed in her own misery. Hopefully she'll surface soon.

Congrats on your pregnancy. :-)

This might be a nice way to do it... Truth be told, there is nothing perfect about it whichever way you deal with it.

:

I am so sorry. This must be very upsetting for you.

Sorry but I feel your SIL is being selfish.

Tegam, I can actually see where you are coming from - they may be in their own headspace and not thinking of anyone else, but I kinda agree with the others that it seems a bit harsh. When you are so distressed it's nice if people can try looking after you for a while - and maybe that's the place they are in - two weeks to not reply, and having a BFN in that time isn't really that long.

But of course, we all have our own opinion and that's understandable either way...

from my point of view - I would prefer friends to let me know by text or phone - BUT family and close friends, I actually think I would like the respect to be told to my face - by the person who is my sibling or friend, and to be allowed to cry and be sad if that's what happens. Cause I'd like to think that I will be calm and handle it with congrats and excitement, but I may have trouble with that, and I hope my family and good friends would understand.

after all - I am the one going through the crap, and it feels like everyone avoids you (totally understandable, cause how do you talk about it, when I don't want to!, but at the same time, I wish people were being nice and checking in and looking after me for a change. I always have to be excited and happy for everyone with their exciting news, but I can't share the crap news (cause that hurts to), and everyone kinda just leaves me alone.

Don't get me wrong I do understand, but I do wish people would... occassionally, just check in.
One of my good friends, every now and then, will just email me and say something like.... "just wanted to check in and see how you were going - not going to talk about anything "important" (unless you want to), but I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you xxx".

I really value that and appreciate it - she's not asking me to my face - where I might not be ready nor want to, but she is letting me know she is available if I'd like, and that she cares enough to keep checking in..... and you know what, she is the one who I do talk to, and want to talk to when I do see her.... those people who are 'respecting me' by not asking.... I don't know how to talk to them... cause I know they don't feel comfortable or know what to say. So I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, and we all just pretend it's not happening.... and that's my sister I am referring to.

but if she gets pregnant - the nicest thing she could do, is take me out for lunch, by herself, and say..... "this is really hard for me to tell you, and I will totally understand that it is hard for you, but I need to tell you that I am pregnant. And I hope we can enjoy the journey together, but I will understand and and try not to get hurt when you can't be".

I think I deserve the respect to be told to my face by those important people - because if you love me, you can deal with my emotions for a while - cause I'm the one going through the crap - and of course, I will be happy for you, and you know me well enough to know that I will be respectful and happy for you as much as I can. But we all have our journeys, and we can only do what we can do.

I guess - to answer your original question - I too think she needs more time, I'd like to think I would text as well - especially if I knew you'd both been on the same journey, but maybe I couldn't, and maybe, maybe I do need you to initiate. I think in this situation your silence would be equally uncomfortable for me, as trying to formulate a text message that is congratulatory. Maybe she is feeling hurt that she hasn't had any sympathy for her BFN....

I think the text message saying simply...."so sorry to hear about your BFN, I wish there was more I could do and I understand our news must be difficult at this time. I am crossing my fingers your journey starts soon, so we can share it together. I am thinking about you often. xxx"
May 31st, 2012, 09:19 PM
grub17

my one thought on this bloom is to look at it from her perspective... "why hasn't my preg sil called to see if i'm okay after my failed cycle?". you said you were close, so maybe she is thinking the same about you. You are both focussed on yourselfs and how the other person isn't meeting your expectations when you both might actually be needing to reach out to each other.?? if that makes sense.
She is probably not overjoyed atm that you are preg but she probably also was so focussed on the cycle and result that her intentions might have just been lost in the mix.
and yes, she's probably grieving and jealous and doesn't want to think about you falling pregnancy naturally, but that will pass.
I couldn't even talk about it without bursting into tears for about two weeks or so after BFNs... i got better at being bitterly disappointed but your first cycle i reckon is your worst.
You just can't guess what she's thinking, so may as well pick up the phone and ask her if she's okay. She'll probably appreciate that :)
May 31st, 2012, 09:29 PM
Miss.B

Firstly, big congratulations hun on your natural miracle!

Secondly, my personal opinion is that regardless of your SIL's circumstance, it wouldn't be too much to ask to even get a quick 'congrats' text from her. I am certainly not a seasoned IVFer, I am one of those lucky ones who has so far got pg 3 times out of 3 IVF cycles, however, I know the very real and 'stab in the heart' feeling that comes when someone announces their 'natural' miracle. But as much as it hurts me (and for me it's not so much the fact that I can't get pg, it's because I have to do IVF in the first place), I still find the teeny bit of strength to congratulate my friends who get pg, seemingly at the drop of a hat. I always say to myself that, one day, hopefully they will be congratulating me.

Also, I think it's very important to acknowledge the BFN when someone you know if trying for a baby, naturally or not.
May 31st, 2012, 09:36 PM
myturn

:

Firstly, big congratulations hun on your natural miracle!

Secondly, my personal opinion is that regardless of your SIL's circumstance, it wouldn't be too much to ask to even get a quick 'congrats' text from her.

Also, I think it's very important to acknowledge the BFN when someone you know if trying for a baby, naturally or not.

^^^^ I agree on all these three things... I went so off track with my 'opinion' I feel like I missed the point :doh:

Yes, I think it would be nice for her to text.... but I understand why she didn't.
Yes, I think you should text her... but I understand why you haven't.

What I wanted to emphasise was that...
I think you are both waiting for each other... and it only takes one person to initiate something.... maybe, in this case, as hurtful as it is that she hasn't been able to text.... maybe she needs to be looked after....
May 31st, 2012, 09:43 PM
Miss.B

:

^^^^ I agree on all these three things... I went so off track with my 'opinion' I feel like I missed the point :doh:

Yes, I think it would be nice for her to text.... but I understand why she didn't.
Yes, I think you should text her... but I understand why you haven't.

What I wanted to emphasise was that...
I think you are both waiting for each other... and it only takes one person to initiate something.... maybe, in this case, as hurtful as it is that she hasn't been able to text.... maybe she needs to be looked after....

I also agree with you myturn, well said hun :)
May 31st, 2012, 09:51 PM
Keta

I agree with Miss B and Myturn, so congratulations :D

I am currently in a similar situation in that, I have recently gotten my BFP and a friend who was cycling at the same time and doing her second round of the same treatment got a BFN the week before. I think my bfp is even harder for her because we started our cycles on the same day. Mine went much slower and her bfn came a week earlier than my bfp but my pregnancy is going to be a constant reminder of the cycle that didn't work for her. With that said she did congratulate me. Maybe she is feeling a loss of 'partnership' she had thought she was going to have with you in this?
On another note all my bfn cycles were paired with either the announcement of a pregnancy or birth of one of my close friends babies. I was really happy for them, saying congratulations was really hard though. I often sent a text to begin with and then saw them at a later date, but if I'm honest I found it really hard.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all deal with things differently. It would have been nice for her text but I guess she just couldn't. With time, she will probably process the news and be able to celebrate at some level with you. It is a hard position to be in, so big hugs to you both.