Was this the right thing to do???

Long story...

Last week ex told me he had a girlfriend. Message went something like this 'i have a girlfriend and yes i love her thought i'd let you know before everyone tells you'.
To me that was more like he was saying he loves her purely to see what sort of reaction he'd get from me. Sure tell me about the girlfriend, but why feel the need to throw that in??

Anyway, last night the girl he was cheating on me with came up on my fb suggestion list. Never met or seen her before so that was an awesome moment! Anyway, being curious (& seeing that she's now with his best mate) I had a look & saw she's friends with a family member of a family close to me (make sense?) & works for ex's boss. I had a sticky at her page, just because she is a cousin of this family I'm close too. Saw a photo of her & her boyfriend, got off fb & went to bed.

This morning something made me look at that photo again. Thats when I noticed the boyfriend is my ex husband. I didn't pay any attention to him last night.

The girl looks all of maybe 18. He's 30. I just didn't feel right about the whole thing, but didn't want to come across as a jelouse ex, but I felt like something had to be said. He physically, sexually, emotionally, socially, verbally, mentally & financially abused me...

I messaged my friend, telling her I was worried about this girl, seeing she looks so young. I was genuinly worried about her going through what I went through...

Anyway, the friend said her mum already knew they were together & wasn't happy with it. The girls mum just turned up at her house & she's going to talk to her about it.

I feel like I shouldn't have said anything... or that this will really come back & bite me hard on the arse. Especially when the niave 18 year old doesn't want to listen... Or when he decides I need to pay for letting out his little secrets (though, he knows that family & I are close, he should know better).

Did I do the right thing? Should I have just left it to him to screw it all up himself & hoped the poor kid didn't get seriously screwed up like I am??

Honestly, no - it wasn't the right thing to do.

The further you distance yourself from him - the better. Involving yourself in his personal life is only going to cause you anguish.

If I was in your situation, the less I knew about what rot he was getting to, the more you can move on with your own life.

Sorry if it seems harsh, but in my experiences, the less you involve yourself in their lives, the better.

Big hugs hun!
xx

Totally and utterly what Sara said.

I also find Facebook stalking like eavesdropping, you never find out anything nice.

Really you are just going to come across the jealous ex nutter.

Sorry if I've been harsh.

hmmmm to me, looking wasn't the wisest thing to do in the first place. But I am of the opinion that yeah, maybe it was the right thing to do to tell your friend. You didnt interfere directly with him or the girlfriend, you voiced your concern to a mutual third party to do with what she thought appropriate. Unless he is seeking treatment for his abusive behaviour then he wont suddenly stop and to me it is akin to knowing that someone is abusing a child and doing nothing about it.

So to me, no you shouldnt have looked for your own personal well being, but you acted appropriately according to the information you have. That is JMHO. Now stop looking ;)

I probable would have done the same thing as you but I do agree with sara, the further you stay away the more you can get on with your life and making you happy.
Its done now and there is nothing you can do but stay away from all his drama. Hopefully she will have family around her to help her is she needs it.

Ah well. I didn't do anything that wasn't going to happen anyway. My friends mum was already going to say the things I thought about saying. I didn't change anything.

& no, I probably shouldn't have looked. Coz now I know he can afford to buy a car, but can't afford to help raise his kids. I was doing pretty well. I will also get over it again. I'm not hurt that he has a girlfriend. I'm hurt that he CAN. That hasn't changed just because I looked.

I think it is the right thing to do. It isn't like sending b1tchy texts to the new girlfriend, you told a friend who can pass it along to the family and at least make her aware of what he has done in the past so if (when) he starts doing it to her she can recognize it for what it is.

Hugs babe!

It's done now. Your concerns have been heard now it's time to let things run their course. Xox.


Cat xox

If this girl was older, honestly, I wouldn't have bothered. There've been plenty of others I didn't bother with.
& I didn't message her for that reason. I only messaged this friend coz I knew she'd get where I was coming from. And like I said, what I mentioned to the friend was already about to come out anyway. I didn't change anything that was about to be said.

I agree with Cat hun.

What's done is done. No point dwelling on it. We all do things for one reason or another.

It's up to the friend now as well as the girl herself how it plays out.
xx


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I think the way you went about it was fine, The only reason you shouldnt have looked was for your sanity! you did the right thing in regaurds to the girl. There is nothing you can do about it now, we have all done things we wish we didnt thats part of life. You have done what you think was the best.

I think you absolutely did the right thing in making sure this (very young) girl's friebds/family is aware he has a history of abuse. If that were my sister/daughter/friend I would be very grateful.

(but try to stay away from fb stalking ;) it never makes you feel any better :hug: )

I disagree with the majority I would have never of tried to get involved or tried to help the girl in anyway because I would feel that it would come back and bite me on the bum, and what 18yr old is going to listen to their family, friends or ex-girlfriend when they are in love?
But I'm not saying that you shouldn't of done it, because I in no way have been in that situation or understand the whole story. So my feeling is you should do what feels right for you and in your case you felt you needed to protect this young girl, which i can totally understand but also you need to protect yourself is what im saying.

You have done the right thing, she will now have family and friends looking out for her, but it's probably best to stop looking in fb for your own sanity.

I'll play devils advocate and say well she did just pop up on your page, she knows a lot of people you know and she's very young.
it sounds like you went through a tough time with him and who knows you might save her some heart ache or at least you can put it out there so that she knows the truth and then leave it up to her to make up her own mind. I know I was in an abusive relationship and I wouldnt wish that upon anyone else either.
You've put it out there so now you can let it go.

personally I think you did the right thing. But yes you now need to step away from it all.

Like you said, you saying anything didnt start the ripple, her mum was already going to say something to her. You havens said or done anything with malice, you are looking out for her safety. You arent trying to bring their relationship undone so you can have him back. You are looking out for a young girl who probably doesnt know any better.

:hug: Let it run its course now, take some steps back, and ejoy your life knowing that you got rid of him xo

Thanks all. There's been no back lash or anything. I don't really feel bad for what I did. Especially when I know him well enough to know that every text to me mentions her because he's doing her best to rub it in my face. I'm ignoring it.
I can already see things not being great for her, but apparently she knows he wasn't nice (he's told her, so he says).
I'm not involved, or getting involved in anyway & I do feel better knowing that her family are prepared for what could happen.
If I wasn't so close to her cousins, or she was older I wouldn't have said anything at all. But I know 19 year olds can be very naive.
He's already proving me right. But I'm not worried at all about how I may have sounded.
I feel comfortable with the decision I made.

He has abused you, which puts you in a different position than if he hadn't. I can't see how it's going to make you seem like the crazy stalker ex, except I guess that you were looking at her photos on on FB but with mutual friends and the way timeline works these days it's almost a given that you're going to see something if it's not made "friends-only", which is obviously isn't seeing as you could see it from your profile.
Anyway, even though she probably won't listen, at least you know you've said something. If I was in a relationship with someone who had abused someone else, and I was told that information, while I might not believe it straight out (you know what new relationships are like), it may make me wary of signs, maybe alert me to warnings later on, and maybe it'll stop her going through what you've been through maybe because she sort of knows? Anyway, that probably came out wrong but I don't think you're crazy, and I think it's human nature to want to warn/protect others who are in a vulnerable position, especially one you have been inor can relate to.

I agree with Leasha. If you hadn't been in a violent/abusive relationship with him, then it was the wrong thing and it's her life to lead and all that, but because of the nature of your relationship with him, if it were me, I could not live with myself knowing that he was with someone so young who may not have the means to protect herself from him when he starts his crap with her. For now, the relationship would still be in the honeymoon stage and she's going to think he's wonderful, so she may not believe anyone who tells her he's a scum sucking ******* - not even her Mum. But abusers do not change. I would bet my last dollar on him telling her that he was bad in the past, but it was because it was all your fault and that he'd never do it to her because he's changed, he loves her blah blah blah. People like that don't ever admit that they beat their ex because it made him feel like a man. He would do what he could to blame it on you. But what I think is really important is that her family are all well aware of it so when it starts getting bad for her they will be able to see the signs and make sure she's supported.

And think of it this way - by not saying anything and leaving it up to her to find out what a scum bag he is, you would be essentially condoning domestic violence and I know you'd never do that :hug: