I am so very angry but more disappointed... advice

So DS1 (who will be 13 in one month)

Chatting to this girl on FB. Asks me if he can walk up to her house. I said no.. get the usual why mum why not yada yada..

Then asks to go to the kid next door.. Was planning on watching a movie coming home at 9. Now I am not stupid. I checked his FB messages and planned to go next door and then head to her place for a bit. I decided not to let him know I knew what he was planning and reminded him to only go to T's house..

I promise mum.. Ok home at 9.. ok see ya mum

I waited 5 mins and went for a walk. They were no where to be seen. Waited another 10 minutes and yep catch him walking back home from this girls house. I am so damn angry and disappointed.

Then he has the nerve to ask me what did I do mum. I did nothing wrong I only went to the corner. and while I realize its only 2 streets away (approx a 5 min walk) it is not the blooming point, If I let him get away with this sort of stuff now then what will he do when he becomes less naive and even sneakier.. Its a scary scary thought

How on earth do I deal with this crap? He is in bed now and still saying he did nothing wrong and now wants to know if he is allowed out tomorrow..

I knew eventually we would have something like this happen but not at 12 yrs and 11 months.. and of course DH is on night shift so I don't have the extra parent here to help deal..

aarrgghh *vent over * really needed to get that out

I can understand your disappointment.

I would probably tell him that he has disappointed you and damaged your trust. He now has to earn it back. I would also tell him that he is not going out tomorrow as you can't be sure he will do what he has told you he will.

Good luck in dealing with this situation.

I told him I was more disappointed then angry and his response was "stop telling me I have disappointed you" I said then stop doing things that make me feel sad. You knew what you were doing and you lied to my face.

Argh! I hear you - not that I am any way near having to deal with in!

I think trust your instinct but if it was me i would come down hard. That way you always have scope to loosen up later and after proper adult discussions with him about it.

Good luck

That's what I am thinking. Will need to discuss it with DH as what we will do but for starters no computer or phone and most definitely no going anywhere tomorrow.

Not sure on just how hard to come down on him yet...

I would say it once. Like you have, he knew he was doing wrong & he lied. Don't be angry with him. Just play it up how sad it makes you that he disrespected you so much to lie like that

I would be somewhat hard. We had had this with ds1 who is...12. He has asked to go to friends b's home then went else where. We banned him from going out for 2weekends that included even just out the front. We explained it to him as if something had happened and we needed to rush out we need to know where he is to be able to get him.
We also went over the you cant trust someone just just met even if the ride a skateboard(another issue lol). We then only allowed him out for a set time told him to come back at said time and if he did we would increase the time as it showed trust if he didnt he would again be banned but for longer.



pls excuse the spelling mistakes on my galaxcy

Family of 3. Exact issues here. Says he is going somewhere and ends up somewhere different. Learnt his lesson or so I thought a couple weeks back and if he goes to a's house but then wants to go to b's house he rings or texts. And I make him ask not tell. Simply out of respect. But obviously teenage hormones took over due to the girl issue.

It's such a hard balancing act. We've been to hell and back with my eldest DSS who is 15 now. I won't go into the details, but let's just say that at his worst it was the hardest thing DH and I have ever had to deal with.

On one hand you need to deal with the current issue, but at the same time you have to learn to pick your battles, and not only that, you have to somehow allow him to build that trust back with you. If that's been about the worst thing he's done (so far, lol, sorry) then perhaps you can tell him that he can't go out tomorrow as that is his punishment for lying and purposely doing something that you had told him not to, but that he is allowed to have someone come over to your house to hang with so that he can prove to you that they can do the right thing.

We found that my DSS was better when we actually gave him a little more freedom and let him make some bigger choices for himself. It often backfired on us, but the tighter we tried to hold the reins, the harder he tried to fight us and break the rules. He was also much more hostile toward us (and even his brother) when we were stricter, but when we eased up his whole demeanor changes and he was more pleasant to be around.

Unfortunately for us things ended up going from bad to worse. It had a lot to do with the crowd he hung around with, and also the fact that he has a diagnosed social disorder (ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome). After major intervention we moved him to a specialised private school (bye bye $$$) but it has made him a totally different person and he is a million times better now. He still makes some normal 15 year old boy mistakes from time to time, but the cost of the school was nothing compared to how it's helped him and us :)

Best of luck with your son. I hope that's the worst things get :)

Consequences & that actions have them.

Yes it might have been something relatively minor but he betrayed your trust, he lied to you.

He needs to learn that trust is something that is easily lost and takes a lot to earn back.

I know I did some things in my youth that lost the trust of my parents and it took a long time to earn that trust back, I paid for it in a big way. Once I'd earned the trust back and showed that I was responsible, I had a lot more freedom. I ended up being able to do things that had other parents shaking their heads, I even had school friends comment at our reunion a couple of weeks ago that they were amazed at what I was able to do when we were at highschool, but it was because I screwed up and had to fight to prove I was capable and mature enough to behave and not lie.

Good luck

I agree he needs to earn back your trust. I wouldnt be allowing any unchaperoned activities until he can prove he is responsible enough

He still has no understanding this morning of what he did wrong. It is highly frustrating.

Keeps asking if he can go for a ride..

Currently occupied with Xbox. That is the only electronic he is allowed and honestly it is only because DH has to sleep till midday after working last night.

Dh says for now no going out no friends over, no phone or comp meaning no FB. When he wakes up we will discuss it further. He was simply to tired for that this morning

I agree with everyone else about him needing to earn back your trust, however I would also be looking at why you said no to the original request because TBH it didn't sound unreasonable. He is almost a teenager and if you want him to stay within the boundaries, then I believe it is important for those boundaries to be reasonable. So perhaps once he has regained your trust then you could sit down with him and set the rules together, so that you are both happy with the rules as they have been set.

I said no because it was almost 7pm. I don't like my kids outside after dark.

I have an issue with this girl due to an incident a couple of weeks ago. He had also been out from 10am that morning till 5:30 in the afternoon. I knew where he was and all that but I felt it was time for a rest..

To play devil's advocate here, if he needed a rest why did you let him go next door? Especially if you had read his emails and knew he was going to betray your trust. Did he know the reasons why you didn't want him to go to the girls house? And does he agree that at almost 13 he is still to young to go out after dark because for many kids they would find that unfair. It sounds a little like you were trapping him into disobeying you and TBH there is a betrayal of trust on both sides here. Was he aware you were reading his messages or did he think they were private? I totally agree that he needs to understand he has broken his trust but equally if you are not trusting him with age appropriate play (such as walking out after dark) and reading his private messages then it's not that far flung a concept to me that he will start betraying your trust back.

He knows I have access to his messages. He does not know however that I read his messages to discover this particular issue. and yes I could have said straight up no you aren't going out because I know what you are planning but decided at the time to allow him to go and see what he would actually do..

and as for a rest what I meant by that was no running around the neighbours yard ect.. watching a movie is resting and doing it next door is the same as here but here they need to be quiet due to the younger kids where as next door its only one child of 12..

I do understand what you are saying though and yes he understands why I have issues with this girl.. When I have time I will fill you in. In my opinion it is a serious issue which thankfully didn't go any further then it did (not sex related)

Just to reiterate in case I came across as harsh, I absolutely agree he should not have gone when you said no, and I agree you need to get him to earn back your trust first and foremost. I hope you work something out xx

We still like our 15 1/2 year old home before dark, so I would also have said no to walking even a few blocks in the dark. Going next door in the dark is a bit different though so I probably would have allowed that. If I was ok with him going to the girl's house (which it sounds like you weren't due to particular reasons) I would drive him rather than let him walk in the dark. Up until recently we had Interguard on his computer which monitored his internet activity including messages and he was aware of it.

The joys of teenagers :p, you've been given some great advice, I really think you need to give your DS a reason as to why you don't want him going to this girls house, may help him understand a little better. Wishing you all the best :hug:.

Regards,
Dianne

DS knows why I don't want him hanging around this girl

Second last week of school she was bashed walking home by some other students. For some unknown reason she told her friends my DS did this. Long story short. 10:30 that night I rechecked his messages and she had replied with Oh I don't know who did it but you weren't there for me.

I screen capped the whole convo and ones where her friends were messaging him asking him why he would hurt her. Of course I asked Ds if he did this but the time frame was all wrong anyways. and he didn't do it

I (on advice from someone) stayed quiet for the following day to see how things went but thankfully nothing came of it. I still have the convo saved at photo's so can use it if need be,

(so yeh thats why I don't want him hanging out with this girl. If she can accuse him of this at 12 what could she accuse him of as she gets older)

Eeek?! Maybe ban him from fb for a while?? Can you do that?

I have changed his password today as he kept sneaking onto the computer or ipad when we weren't looking and I wasn't about to carry them everywhere I went..

So now no FB for a couple of days..

He hasn't been too bad thankfully

:hug: You say that your DS knows why you don't want him seeing this girl, but I am wondering if he really does, or whether what you told him went in one ear and out the other. It seems that no matter what she did to him, he has somehow forgiven her and let it go. Have you talked to him about this? i.e. not why you don't want him seeing her but getting him to explain to you why he does want to see her? It seems that until he understands himself why he shouldn't see her, he will just continue to sneak around.

Totally agree with Starfish, maybe they sorted it out ie. why she lied, was it a misunderstanding? Sometimes as hard as it sounds we need to let our teenagers work out/resolve issues on their own to enable them to grow as young adults.

Regards,
Dianne