Can you keep a secret?

So Im a very sharing person and I love to talk...

Im very open about things I have gone through in the past and not ashamed of what I have been through to get me where I am today. I have a few periods in my life where I have been some what controversial and done things that many would cringe and even possibly judge me for doing and TBH I dont really care... LOL
I share alot because I feel that if something I have been through and over come can help some one in a passage in their life then why not?

BUT DH isnt quite so keen on the sharing as such and a few things in my past he would rather I didn't talk about, where as people who know about it find it some what fascinating and there for ask ALOT of questions and others ask too if they find out.

So anyway we are currently TTC and well I havent kept that a secret at all...in fact I love to talk about it ROFL but unfort a month or two ago SIL m/c just after she told people at about 9 weeks (we knew from the beginning when she found out) so now DH wants to keep if and when we do fall pg a secret for the frist 12 weeks... I KNOW I wont be able to possibly do that but he is adamant that we do...

a few reason he wants to is the m/c where as I think that if and when we do fall pg and we dont tell anyone SIL may become slightly upset like that we have hidden it from her, another reason is well yes m/c are devastating but I would rather tell people be excited and if that did happen have the support rather then be alone because no one knew anyway?

what am i meant to do? I really really really suck at secret keeping and will be so excited I will want to tell the world

I'm the same, I tend to over share LOL

I would try to respect your DH's wishes, but try and come to a compromise. Maybe agree that you can tell your mums or one or two specific other people and leave it at that?

Can you compromise in that your allowed to scream it from the hilltops in here but IRL you have to try and keep it hush hush?
I understand where he is coming from, we kept DD2's PG secret until i was able to tell my cousin and his wife (due to LTTTC), i was close to 19wks i think before we made it PUBLIC (only close family knew)
I think it also depends on your relationship with them, how you think they will feel.

TBH, I don't get the whole 'wait til 12 weeks to tell people' thing, never have. I also don't think you should have to keep your pregnancy a secret to avoid upsetting someone. Do what you want Ness, it's a happy and exciting time for you so enjoy it!

I second calluna.... Surely dh will be understanding enough to let you tell at least one person! Tho I guess if he says no u can just bombard HIM with all the pg & baby talk he may change his mind then!
I agree about telling (some) ppl pretty early in pg as far as mc goes, if God forbid I ever have to go thru that I know I'd DEFINITELY NOT be able to keep THAT secret! Hope he comes around & u get bfp soon

My DF was the same. Wanted to wait until 12 weeks "just in case", whereas I'm a very sharing person and knew I'd want to tell people straight away because no matter what happened, people would know. I figured if I did miscarry, I'd be telling people that and they'd be more understanding and supportive if they knew I was pregnant in the first place. We'd agreed to tell parents straight away....then it included siblings....and pretty soon after I could tell my best friend....and after 3 or 4 weeks of both of us struggling not to say anything we thought bugger it and told everyone when I was 7 or 8 weeks.

In answer to your question, I guess I can keep a secret as I did not announce or inform anyone in real life of my pregnancies until the 20w scan (only scan I had with either of them also), including parents! For me it isn't to do with the miscarriage risk though.

I think you need to work out a way for you both to be comfortable, everybody feels differently about it I guess.

Definitely compromise. His wishes are as important as yours.

The ttc and m/c side of things... My own experience is when ttc goes longer than expected people start to say the 'wrong' things.. As in you can become sensitive to talk about when the next baby is happening. And with m/c, I'm glad only a few friends knew of my pg and then m/c. I would have hated people who had heard of the pg but not the m/c to have inadvertently said something about the pregnancy. It's upsetting for everyone. I've been that person who asked if the morning sickness has eased up and if they found out what sex it is only to hear they'd lost it months ago. Unfortunately she wasn't a petite lady so I really thought it was baby bump :( I'm quite open with the fact I had a m/c, so that's not a secret, but even telling those few who knew about the pg was enough.

So keeping things quiet for a while can be a protection, and I think if your dh feels he needs to protect himself a bit from the unforeseen, then it's only fair to compromise.

We kept ttc quiet to a few close friends and bb. And we usually keep pg quiet til some sort of scan, for us it's a viability/dating scan around 8 weeks. I haven't gone the whole 12 weeks :)

We compromised!

DH wanted to tell the world when we found out I was pg but I was bit more hesitant. I announced on BB though lol!
So we decided to tell our parents and then everyone else we told after our 12 week scan. I think it nearly killed DH keeping it a secret from his brothers and mates but he did it as he knew I'd be upset if he spilled the beans and then something happened IYKWIM. For me I wasn't sure how I would handle it if I had a miscarriage so I preferred to keep it to ourselves.

We found out we were expecting our third, only a few days after my SIL found out (and announced) her first pregnancy through IVF.
So we decided to wait awhile before telling family. She ended up m/c at 8 weeks and we'd planned to tell family at 9 weeks at DS2's birthday. So that got put on hold. Meanwhile I had a 2 week bleed and thought I'd lost the pregnancy. I got really panicky that I'd have to tell my mum and sister about a m/c when they didn't even know about the pregnancy. I was so upset at the thought that they wouldn't have been able to share the excitement with me and yet, I'd want their support if I had m.c.
Turns out everything was fine and I told my family immediately after the scan to share the news. We held off telling my DH's family as it was too soon after my SIL's m.c.
Needn't have worried though, cos MIL had blabbed to everybody that I hadn't drank wine at a family get together...

So I guess you need to work out with your partner, who (if anybody) you want to share your news with early. If I had my time again, I would have told my mum and sister much earlier. Stuff family politics and wanted to 'do the right thing' and tell both families at the same time!

I am the same, love to tlk and feel the same about the 12 week thing. Funny thing was my Dh wanted to wait to 12 weeks too and although I didn't agree I didn't feel right telling people earlier, other than family and very close friends. In the end he was blurting it all out at around 10 weeks to anyone and everyone!!

I felt the same as you, and I think sharing with a select few is a good compromise because as you say, m/c is always a risk so if it were to happen then you probably don't want to have to explain to every person who asks "so, how's the pregnancy going", but at the same time, if something were to happen then having the support of your closest friends/family would be important.

I prefer secrets. Stormy's conception will be announced a few weeks after the fact on BB (ie once I find out LOL - but even then may be on the quiet) but not IRL. I will have to tell work, obviously, and maybe a few close friends I see regularly when I can no longer hide behind loose clothing (so at about 8-9 months), but we are not telling family at all. This is to protect someone's feelings. Two people's feelings, in fact. Mine and DH's. Nothing wrong with protecting emotions!

Different pregnancies I've done different things. One I told people at 5 weeks. Another not til 18 :)

Just try agreeing so no one is upset

Honestly, I think this is YOUR choice. Yes he can express his opinion, but at the end of the day, if something 'did' happen, would you rather people knowing or not. It can be hard to tell people you have miscarried if they don't even know your are pregnant. But different people deal with these things differently, and I think you need to ask how you would deal with it, and then explain your decision to your DH, but at the end of the day, its still your decision.

Can you explain the reasoning behind it being her choice alone? There's two parents. Respect goes both ways, surely? No wonder men can feel disconnected and unimportant. Someone on fb linked to an article that was about men suffering with loss too, but it's largely overlooked or forgotten. It's probably due to this thinking that it's all about the woman :(

I know men suffer with loss too. Yes, you take your partners view into consideration (as you do with everything when you are in a relationship). Their opinion is important. But at the end of the day, you have to live with your decisions, and you shouldn't be dictated by anyone else on that. It isn't just about how you might need to grieve if something happpens, but how are you going to feel about the person who 'made' you do something that you didn't want to do in regards to telling / not telling.

This is an opinion, and may not be the 'right' answer for everyone (I don't think there is a 'right' answer BTW). Certainly, alot of people are different to me and may react completely different. But I do think, that you do get to make decisions about your body (including your pregnancy) and who, how and when people know what about it. You cann't give that responsibility over to someone else.

I am not saying that she SHOULD tell everyone straight away. I am just saying she needs to make her own decision (taking into account his feelings but not being dictated by them) and make her OWN decision.

DP didn't really have an opinion one way or the other. It felt 'right' to me to tell one very close friend very early with DD1. That way, I had someone to share the excitement and the disappointment (to put it mildly) if things went wrong. For me, telling one person was enough and I didn't tell anyone else (including family) until 20 weeks. Slightly different situation because I'm an old codger so high risk of miscarriage and abnormalities.

Same with DD2.

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Their opinion is important. But at the end of the day, you have to live with your decisions, and you shouldn't be dictated by anyone else on that. It isn't just about how you might need to grieve if something happpens, but how are you going to feel about the person who 'made' you do something that you didn't want to do in regards to telling / not telling.

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Just as he shouldn't be dictated to either or 'made' to tell/not tell and has to live with his decisions.

*shrug*

Liz, as someone who sucked it up and figured that my husband had a right to pick when/how to tell people too, to come to appointments and scans, have some input in pregnancy... look how labour ended up. Him siding with the enemy, who hurt me. Him agreeing to my being hurt.

So I say men have no say in pregnancy-related things. Because it only gives them the idea they have any say in the birth. And then they agree to things you say no to and sign forms you don't want them to and then the hospital has permission. Which is why DH is going to not be at Stormy's birth - and not find out that I'm pregnant until I'm ready to tell him, not the moment I find out.

Although neither of us want to tell family, so I'm OK with that one!

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Liz, as someone who sucked it up and figured that my husband had a right to pick when/how to tell people too, to come to appointments and scans, have some input in pregnancy... look how labour ended up. Him siding with the enemy, who hurt me. Him agreeing to my being hurt.

So I say men have no say in pregnancy-related things. Because it only gives them the idea they have any say in the birth. And then they agree to things you say no to and sign forms you don't want them to and then the hospital has permission. Which is why DH is going to not be at Stormy's birth - and not find out that I'm pregnant until I'm ready to tell him, not the moment I find out.

Although neither of us want to tell family, so I'm OK with that one!

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Wow. That's really heavy TFB.

Yeah - so different strokes for different folks, clearly!

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Which is why DH is going to not be at Stormy's birth - and not find out that I'm pregnant until I'm ready to tell him, not the moment I find out.

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I'd find it very hard to want a baby with someone that I felt this way about :(

First time around we told those closest to us, as in they would be those that support us no matter the outcome. Lucky, as we did m/c and it helped us a lot cope.
Second time around not so many as circumstances were a little different (I'd recently been made redundant) and we didn't want raised eyebrows from older ones. But we told family as in siblings and parents, and my two closest friends. But sadly we m/c again. I actually have found it harder to explain this time. Especially as older people tend to be more nosey and ask questions like 'are you two trying?' 'when's the babies coming etc' and then having to go through the awkwardness of saying I've had 2 m/c, then the person I'm telling usually says something completely insensitive (without realizing they are doing so) like 'oh lucky that's God's way blah blah'
So it will be secret between DH and I. I don't think I can handle others disappointment on to of my own. And it does effect the men too.
Just my 2c worth

First time around we didn't tell a soul apart from my best friend cause I was dying just to tell SOMEONE. She kept encouraging me to tell my Mum JIC I lost it and needed support, but I didn't. Found out at 12 wk scan it had gone weeks earlier. We told our parents and my siblings & they were all very supportive.

Second time around I told my Mum & Dad at 4.5 wks and would've told IL's then too if they weren't in Europe. Told them when they got back at 11 wks. Waited until 12 wk scan to tell the rest of the world. That was DD :)

Both times DH was the one who insisted on waiting, but I knew Mum was safe to tell the second time, plus she asked me why I couldn't take any antihistamines for my hay fever. What was I supposed to say? Lol. My family are very alert and cluey too and knew we were trying cause of the m/c. They would've known as soon as I refused wine at family lunches : P

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Just as he shouldn't be dictated to either or 'made' to tell/not tell and has to live with his decisions.

*shrug*

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no, he shouldn't be dictated to either. But at the end of the day, a decision has to be made. And I know personally, as the one who suffers extreme morning sickness, as the one who would have to 'lie' and 'cover up' the pregnancy, 'I' believe that my choice will be the deciding choice if all negotiations fail. Not everyone is the same as me, and they would give up this decision to their partner, even if they disagree vehemently.

Ideally, you could reach a compromise you were both happy with. Or one of you may feel more strongely then the other, and thus you (or they) may be wiling to set aside their own feeling for their partner's stance - but that in itself is a CHOICE. If you are deadlocked and cann't reach agreement, choices need to be made, and I think in that situation, the person carrying the baby does have the greater say.

Thankfully, I have never had disagreement on this topic with my DH, he couldn't keep a secret to save his life. But if we ever did, and we couldn't reach agreement or compromise; then yes, I get Veto.

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I'd find it very hard to want a baby with someone that I felt this way about :(

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Good thing I'm not you then! As I said, different people see things differently.

If I were the SIL just the thought of you two ttc would make me upset. Picturing someone close to you sharing that joy of a BFP together and then announcing it to the world. Sounds harsh, but being someone who has lived this I feel I should add from the other side POV. It makes you feel like a bad person for not being happy for that person close to you.

Maybe keep it quiet and if you have to tell someone, make sure it's someone who has no contact with SIL.

Good luck :)

Tasha- so I shouldn't TTC cause SIL had a m/c, that's kinda crazy.. She knew we were TTC before she found out she was pg. All around me my friends arnd family are TTC (some for long amounts of times) and someone very close to me has fallen of and I was one of the first people she told because she knows we are so didn't want us to find it from a 3rd person or to think they were hiding it from us. It's odd to hear and there is that pang of jealousy but I'm really happy for them!!!

Either way I had a chat with SIL on the weekend about it and she is def on the don't keep it from me side of things so I know where she stands.


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You can TTC, of course. I just meant maybe don't say anything to her for the time being. But if she already knew you were, then it doesn't matter :)
That's great that she doesn't want you to keep a pregnancy from her. I would imagine it could get very awkward for those who have to announce to friends/family who have suffered a loss or are still TTC.