sorry need to delete as security really (just incase as i still the need to delete stuff)
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sorry need to delete as security really (just incase as i still the need to delete stuff)
I think that its the sane as every other sleep deprieved mum that gets up and does things for the kids
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i just think by adding more work for this women who has other stuff to do in the mornings is absurd BUT i suppose it isnt me so i shouldnt care should i?
Just wondered how she was going to be in the pool with the three year old with a three week old baby?
Thanks jennifer.... he doesnt care at all it still flabogasts me
I agree with Cat, it is what most other mothers do. Everyone is different with how they cope, she may well be fine.
Aside from what directly happens with your DS, what goes on between your EX and his current partner is really their business. If it is something that she could not do, then one would hope that she speaks up for herself, but someone else cannot assume she is not fine with it.
I don't see anything wrong here either as long as she is using her common sense ie. she is so tired she'll fall asleep at the wheel.
Regards,
Dianne
It really depends on her and what she feels that she can/wants to do. I am assuming that she got into a relationship with you ex knowing that he comes as a package with kids, therefore when your DS is with her, she should treat him as she would her own child. So unless she has some major issues I don't see the problem with her taking him to his lessons. In fact, it would be a bigger problem if she refused to IMO.
It's your child, so of course you care, but unless you have a real good reason not to trust your ex's new partner, then it's just one of those things that you will have to let go....
Allowing her to drive? Come on now... I think you might be hunting for reasons not to allow this. Adult women do not need their husband's permission to be allowed to drive. He isn't controlling her by allowing her to drive... he would be controlling her by NOT allowing her to drive.
Plenty of women are driving 3 weeks after birth. I am 3 weeks post birth with a newborn, and a 3 year old, and I'm fully attentive while driving. If you feel unsettled about her taking your child to swimming lessons, be honest with your ex DH and yourself about WHY.
im just concerned with the morning driving thats all ... (deleted personal reasons)
I did it with DD2. Was up a lot sometimes every hour or two. And still got up to take the older three too school and kindy. You just cope - some days you sleep better then others.
Cat xox
Where I go, the kids are on their own with the teacher, no parents in the pool from age 3, so it wouldn't be a problem at all.:
I agree with the others, it's really up to her to decide if she's able or not.
I wouldn't be concerned about the driving, I have to do it everyday.
The only possible issue i see is if she's being forced to do it. But, if she wants to, then I'd have no problem.
I've been waking 3 hourly (or more!) to my son for 15 months now and I'm functioning just fine, including driving first thing in the morning.
To be completely honest, I think you're just looking for reasons not to allow this.
*blink* Who would allow what? Getting on with ordinary day to day life even with a newborn? Unfortunately for a lot of mothers, life doesn't just stop because you've had another baby. Older kids still need to be taken to school and other activities, groceries need to be bought etc, and not all partners have the luxury of taking time off work to take over (for example my DH is a contractor, doesn't work doesn't get paid).
I think unless there is a definite risk or issue involving your DS, the dynamics of who does what in their household and what your ex's new partner is happy doing is really none of your business. I know by week 3 for me with DS I was climbing the walls to get a bit of normalcy back and just get on with it - she may well be the same.
If you consent to his swimming lessons and don't mind who takes him then the rest is for you ExH and his partner to workout.
Ive been there and done that with a new baby and older childrens activities, its just what you do as a parent or in this case step parent. If you have had a bad night then you might miss the activity that day
Im assuming with 4 year old swimming they don't need an adult in the water with them
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I think this is more to do with the fact that it will be her taking him and not you period. I understand the driving thing, I really do - I've been there and done that myself so I know at times it can be hard. But I think you should give her a little credit. She's an adult woman, with a babe of her own and she probably knows her limitations. Is it any different if she drives herself and her baby somewhere on a Tuesday or a Thursday? Of course it's not, but you don't seem to be worrying about that so much as the one day a week she will have your son in the car with her. You're only assuming that she is sleep deprived too - maybe she goes to bed early so she can catch up on sleep? Maybe she has other support to help her take a nap during the day?
I really wouldn't be worrying about this. I think you have to think about the benefits the actual swimming will be to your son and not worry about her.
I agree with the others that we mothers of multiple children often have to drive each and every day. I've just got back from taking DDs 1 and 2 to school/kindy and I reckon I've had maybe 5 hours sleep since I woke Saturday am. Despite the lack of sleep, I'm heading off to yoga in an hour. Yes, I could sleep but I would rather keep my sanity by trying to do things that I enjoy, getting out of the house etc. Maybe your ex's partner looks on swimming with your son in the same way - gets her out of the house and maybe she has a bit of a chat to the other parents, giving her some adult conversation in her day.
ok i hear you all and i wont be worrying about it from now on :)
Just to add ' if i wanted to really fight on this i wouldnt have allowed it but i didnt say a word except is she ok and he said she is fine so i left it '
Thanks for the replies and yes it is probably me being a tad over sensative but thats why i come here to get myself smacked back into reality so to speak !
Glad you've taken it the right way. I don't blame you for your reaction... you are a loving protective mother just like all of us! But sometimes it clouds how we look at situations and that's where the village can help.
oh and i do give her credit and i havent a bad thing to say about her actually and i thank her for looking after my boys when its their week ....
I think it's nice of you to be concerned about what she may or may not be able to cope with, but remember she's not doing something that no other mother has to do when they care for more than one child. Myself included ;)
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
I guess that does put a different perspective on it too. But then maybe she's the type of person who wouldn't take that from him kwim? Not saying that you would/did, but maybe she's a 'dont mess with me' type and just wont put up with it? Glad you're feeling OK about it now though.
she must be committed to your son to want to volunteer for that! :-) if its the swimming thing maybe you could suggest that they take him to music or gymnastics or some other extra curricular where it wouldnt be as hard for her to look after bub and him and say that you would like to take care of the swimming lessons?
I think it's all well and good that it's what mothers do and what we could do etc. but I know I wouldn't be too fussed to do it with my first child. I'm concerned for her tbh. Unless you've been through the first child with a blended family it's all well and good to say its fine but this is the woman's first child. I know 3 weeks into my first child I was still a mess and still sleeping till 10 some days if I could. I think it's presumptuous of your DH. Let alone inconsiderate. Its not like that time of day is the only time there are swimming lessons. And if I were him I would WANT to take my child on the weekend when I was available. Yes she's a part of the child's life. But it would be like DH dropping a current activity that he takes the kids to now, and passing the ball to someone else. I think the woman is lovely for offering but I hope that she's being expected to take on his duties with his own child.
I'd never leave the house if that was an issue :)
Yeah I just think its not live or die. And those first weeks with your first new bub are precious. Maybe I'm a weirdo. I mean if it had to be done I'd do it. But it's swimming lessons not school. It's not the only time it can be done. Maybe her baby is perfect. Maybe she's a super mum. But I'm assuming that bubno3 knows her ex pretty well. Maybe I wasn't a great first time mum :dunno:
Yeah, I have to say, I find it weird that she is doing it. I know I wouldn't be - not with my first baby still only 3 weeks old! Stuff the tired issue, I want to be with my baby, not taking someone else's to swimming lessons. I find it odd that she is willing to do it, but more odd that he is going to a swimming lesson at least ONE of his parents can't attend.
What is she going to do with her baby while she is doing the lesson with your son?
I was back at swimming lessons after the post partum bleeding stopped with dd2 and ds in tow. They were either in a pram or carrier and slept when ds was older the receptionist watched him.
I understand it's probably hard for you given you have said he is not your so dear ex dh, but its not a big deal and as others have said lots of mum's do it. You are lucky that she wants to be so involved and hands on.
Have you ever been a step parent Lime?:
Don't want to offend, but your post is a little offputting. The lady is not taking "someone else's kid" she's taking her step-son, who lives with her 50 percent of the time. It's not odd at all that she's willing to do it. And also, the child is 3, she doesn't need to be in the water with him.
I think I read the first post differently to everyone else. I took it as she was concerned for the step mum because her husband is manipulative. I've got friends who are step parents and friends who are separated. And I know the parents would want to be a part of extra curricular activities, not to exclude the step parents. Not because they love the child more or anything horrible. And not expect the step parent to do it, it's not offensive to the step parents unless either parent is incapable. No one is suggesting that. I asked DH and he said that if it was him he wouldn't want her to do it so she could enjoy that special time. Not because she's an invalid. But because it's a special time. His second comment is he'd want to be at the lessons himself. If it were unavoidable sure. But in all the shared care situations we are privvy to unless it can't happen both parents prefer to be a part of these situations. It's not to be offensive, they are their parents. Why wouldn't they want to be there?
Leaving the whole sleep deprivation/newborn thing aside, I know how terribly difficult it was for me to have another woman 'parent' my daughter. Especially early on. I felt really threatened (and still do sometimes) that maybe "my" baby would form a bond with another woman that would somehow lessen the mother/daughter bond we have. To top that of, there can be acrimony based on what your ex has told her about the relationship, she can have a very different parenting style to you, your child may not like her, she may feel threatened by you/your child....
It is an emotional minefield which is extremely difficult to navigate, especially in the early days.
It gets easier sometimes but the hardest thing is letting go and realise you have no control of who is actually parenting your child. If your ex is not known for his wise decision making, this makes it even more of a worry.
Just because a woman has given birth to her own child doesn't mean she will be a good mother to her own, let alone yours.
thank you to the last few women as you got what i meant in my original post
i will be back just getting my 4 yr out of bath
hey thanks for this but she hasnt much of a choice ....:
[QUOTE=Rouge;3170411]I think I read the first post differently to everyone else. I took it as she was concerned for the step mum because her husband is manipulative. I've got friends who are step parents and friends who are separated. And I know the parents would want to be a part of extra curricular activities, not to exclude the step parents. Not because they love the child more or anything horrible. And not expect the step parent to do it, it's not offensive to the step parents unless either parent is incapable. No one is suggesting that. I asked DH and he said that if it was him he wouldn't want her to do it so she could enjoy that special time. Not because she's an invalid. But because it's a special time. His second comment is he'd want to be at the lessons himself. If it were unavoidable sure. But in all the shared care situations we are privvy to unless it can't happen both parents prefer to be a part of these situations. It's not to be offensive, they are their parents. Why wouldn't they want to be there?[/QUOT
sorry had to delete
:
No, I haven't ever been a step-parent, so maybe that is why I don't get it? I am sorry if my post was "offputting", whatever that means, I didn't mean to be. I won't bother trying to explain what I meant, just see Rogue's post below.
My apologies if my post upset you, it certainly was not my intent.
ETA: I was still required to be in the pool with my 3 year old, so his age isn't some magical beacon that makes my question irrelevant.
:
Look into the legalities.
I know a friend of mine went through this with her DS and XH. The XH wanted full custody and was not prepared to give up any of his long work hours, his girlfriend would do school pick ups. The courts said no, family member of the DS or paid person, not a girlfriend. So the DS's grandmother or a Nanny (egs) could pick him up/take him to lessons, but not a girlfriend. Cos if something happens (heaven forbid) the hospital cannot act unless it is a blood relative OR a paid person who has a sheet of paper to say they can act on a child's behalf. De facto relationship wouldn't count here.
Plus, if you want to do swimming lessons - tell your X no, you're doing swimming lessons or it HAS to be on a day you can attend too.
Limelice : i didnt take what you said in offense i totally agree with you:)
[QUOTE=The Flying Butter;3170446]Look into the legalities.
I know a friend of mine went through this with her DS and XH. The XH wanted full custody and was not prepared to give up any of his long work hours, his girlfriend would do school pick ups. The courts said no, family member of the DS or paid person, not a girlfriend. So the DS's grandmother or a Nanny (egs) could pick him up/take him to lessons, but not a girlfriend. Cos if something happens (heaven forbid) the hospital cannot act unless it is a blood relative OR a paid person who has a sheet of paper to say they can act on a child's behalf. De facto relationship wouldn't count here.
Plus, if you want to do swimming lessons - tell your X no, you're doing swimming lessons or it HAS to be on a day you can attend too.
Very very interesting and i will look into it :)