Breast feeding/expressing VENT

I'm over it. I'm over expressing 5 times a day, I'm over having the anxiety of wondering what will happen when I offer the breast. Will he scream? Will he have a good feed or will he suck for a second then scream? Will he bite me.. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of my boobs being uneven because he only feeds from one side. My right boob is about a cup size bigger than my left, it's really noticeable and it bugs me. This whole time has been a struggle. I wish we could just have a 'normal' breastfeeding relationship. NOTHING else has been normal, not the pregnancy, not the birth, not his life I just wanted this to work and not be so bloody hard!

Oh hun :(

You have been down such a rough road, you're right, you deserve some slack and I'm so sorry it isn't forthcoming. It sounds like you're getting a bit over it all, which is completely understandable :hug: Have you spoken to an LC about why he's only feeding from one side?

You are doing such a great job. You really are.

Oh hun, I have been there and I promise it does get easier and in time those memories fade, overtaken by the good ones and proud of what you achieved (and wondering how you did it)

You are doing a wonderful job, committing yourself to your beautiful son, he has grown into this amazing little boy because of this love and commitment :hug: I hope you can lean on us in the hard times and make it through, it is so worth it xx

I know it's worth it, I hate whinging, I love being his Mummy, but breastfeeding was something I was looking forward too and it's been so hard. i keep waiting for it to get better and it will for a week, then it's just same crap different day.. i want to enjoy the relationship because it's the only one I'll have and when it's over, it's over.. I don't want it to be a battle to the end but days like this I don't want to keep going.

I felt that extreme need to feed my first born too. I know it is not the same as breastfeeding but your body is still creating this nourishment for your baby, you are trying harder than most will ever understand, you should be prouder to know that you have provided for your son under extreme circumstances, I have seen so many people not cope and stop so soon, you are doing and amazing job, you have come so far. I am blessed to be able to breast feed my youngest with ease but to be honest I am much prouder of what I did for my first, I gave her so much when she needed it the most :hug: please set small goals for yourself, it helps, I assume you are already seeking help with getting him onto the breast. Use us to vent and gather strength :hug: I know you can do it!

DD - He is primarily BF , he only has 3 tube feeds in 24hrs as a top up. We have massive issues with breast refusal. We also struggle to wean the tube feeds because he has a high palette so doesn't drain the breast properly.. I also have supply issues, so even if he did wean off the tube i'd probably still have to express to maintain what little supply i do have.. Did your firstborn have cleft palette? I can't remember?

You are doing so well hun. After what you've been through I'm amazed your body still makes milk! Go body!

I eed for my first so I know how much work it is. I had to really consciously not wish away his first year of life wishing that I could stop expressing. Be kind to yourself, and know that all you can do is your best. No one can ask any more of you.

My 2nd has just turned 7 months and feeding has only just stopped hurting. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Xo

Yes, she still has a cleft palate and small jaw which has been lengthened by jaw surgery but still small. She has a rare chromosome abnormality which affects many things but children with this abnormality are known to be poor feeders with some still not feeding in their teens, we are lucky!

:hug:

I have only had a couple of days of breast refusal, and it was more frustrating and disheartening than i could ever have thought. You are doing so well to continue in spite of the challenges you two have had. i don't have any advice but you certainly have my admiration.

Thanks HotI...

:hug: I wish it was easier for you, too.

You're a breastfeeding superstar :cheer: I know you probably don't fee like it, but you're working much harder at this than most mums ever do.

BAL, you are an inspiration. I too, am amazed at what you've done to keep feeding your gorgeous boy and can't imagine the frustration that must come with breast refusal. Guessing it's a fraction like a baby who won't sleep.... sometimes I just want to say "but baby, if only you understood. Sleep is AWESOME!". Jett, young man, breast milk is liquid gold. You have it on tap. Go crazy kiddo!

My very good friend is going through similar at the moment. Not a premmie, but her DD is sick (has CF) and really needs good weight gain and her immune system protected by the goodies in BM... and 9/10 feeds just screams blue murder after a few sucks. My friend is beside herself and (I hope you don't mind), but I was telling her about you and Jett, how determined and courageous you have been and how well he's doing. She was encouraged to know that there are others out there in the same boat and that it's not just her, since she puts a lot of blame on herself and feels she must be doing something 'wrong'. So you're not just helping Jett with all this hard work, in sharing it, you're helping others.

Huuuugest hugs Hun. You're amazing.

I feel so much of what you are saying although things aren't nearly as full on here. It is so frustrating to have had 3 trouble free years with my DD1 to basically battling DD2 into feeding at all. She sequels, fights, doesn't feed properly, bites, squiggles, squirms and also only takes one side so my boobs are REALLY lopsided too... like extremely. The only lucky thing here is that she is super huge so I don't have any stress over her not getting enough and we aren't expressing or in any need to push solids but it drives me batty trying to just get her to feed. It is soul crushingly hard when they refuse and fight.

I feel intense pressure not to give up though because of how I let her sister self wean and it feels unfair not to do the same... but it is hard to squash the thoughts that well, why am I bothering when she clearly doesn't want to.

You're doing so well :hug: I really hope things settle a little for you soon.

Thanks for all your encouragement..

Santosha - i'm glad I am helping :) I don't mind you telling people at all.. i'm pretty open about my experiences of parenting for this reason! I hope that i can help someone.. i draw strength from others in the same way :) sorry for crappy punctuation... I'm expressing.. just for a change :rolleyes:

:hug: I think you are doing an amazing job!!

BAL I so admire you! You are an amazing and inspirational mother and breastfeeding mother at that. I have had breast refusal off and on over the last few months but I'm sure it has not been as intense as what you have experienced because of your particular circumstances. Anyway what I'm awkwardly trying to say :) is for me it was emotionally draining and exhausting so I can only begin to empathise and imagine your experience. So you are without a doubt an incredibly strong and loving person no matter how over it you sometimes feel.

I know I have said before how hard it was to breastfeed my daughter for 6.5 months with chronic breast refusal due to severe refluxing and pain association with my breasts that no LC, midwife, nurse could get us past. It was devastating. I was told at 9 weeks pregnant but the docs that they thought she would be incompatible with life so after a traumatic pregnancy I felt so relieved that she was alive and well, that why should I be complaining about my daughters refluxing and feeding issues. I knew it was best for her, and was so heartbreaking and frustrating everytime not knowing whether she would latch, or stay on for longer than 30 seconds. She would be screaming and crying and so would I, even though I tried to stay calm. In the end, the decision was made for me as she was losing weight rapidly, her growth in length was stunted, she was at physio because she was behind in milestones and had incredibly tense muscles so could not isolate individual muscles as she was tense from not wanting to feed every breastfeed and I had been diagnosed with PND, aswell as no sleep as was up all night trying to feed her to try and get her to put on weight and get her to sleep.

I know this doesn't help your situation at all but just know that I care and understand a bit of what you are going through with the breast refusal.

you're doing such a stellar job, hun, and his improvement and health coming in leaps and bounds is such a testimony to your phenomenal efforts.

you're awesome, and such an inspiration.

and welcome to the uneven boobie club: my rightie is about a DD-E, leftie is well and truly an F ... all my tops twist sideways, and it kind of looks like I don't know how to dress myself. this too shall pass - but until then, you have my sympathy!

Oh jun you are doing SUCH an amazing job!! I don't know how I would handle all you have been and are going through. I've had breast refusal to some extent with all of mine at some point and with the last 2 gave up feeding from the left side eventually coz it was just to stressful so I understand the lopsided thing! I know you didn't ask for advise but I honestly found for my self confidence (and so its less likely to go super saggy from wrong size bra for months!) That getting a bra filler pad thing for my 'crappy side' really helped once is completely stopped that side, just a thought. Hang in there :hug:

Thanks again wonderful women! I feel a bit better today, it goes up and down.. Today he has been quite good feeding and I only expressed twice this morning, I am skipping the lunch time one today simply because I really don't want to express right now.. Bub is asleep after a rough night, so I want to relax. It's just so up and down.. He's losing weight because i am trying to wean him off the tube feeds, but I'm trying not to panic because I know there has to be some transition..

Anyway, right now I am having a double choc muffin and a chai latte :D

You're amazing BAL!!!!! You have had such a tough road from the very start that most people will never understand. It has been too hard at times but you have always pushed through and found MORE strength.
You'd make an amazing breast feeding counsellor one day that's for sure ;)

Hang in there Hun, and keep on going to ABA meetings (the girls at central are so lovely!) and you are welcome at our south GC meetings too!! Let me know if you want details of our next catchup. We meet Monday's once a month at Kirra.

xxx