DS not invited to friend's birthday party.

Hi All,

DS1 is in his first year of school. We have just moved into the area so he knew no one previously and we knew are entirely new to the area.

I just learned today that DS1 was not invited to one of what he considers to be one of his closest playmate's birthday party. They have been friends all year. There has been no falling out that I know of. DS1 says he still plays with his friend. DS1 invited this friend to his birthday and has had him over for playdates. Although, his friend has never reciprocated the playdate invites.

His parents are not very warm and friendly and quite often, for reasons I haven't yet established do not join in with general chit chat with other parents at school pickup time. They have also been avoiding me at school pickup time lately.

DS1 is not upset, but I am a little taken aback. He just said his friend handmade all the birthday invitations and ran out of time to make him one so he wasn't invited. Yet, children in the class who are more of peripheral friends were invited and a new boy at school was also invited too.

How should I handle this? Should I mention it casually to the parents or just let it go?

Really, I am more upset about this than DS1.

If you are more upset than DS1 I think you should let it go.

I can understand you are upset but it's probably better to let it go. Maybe arrange a playdate if your ds wants to see him for his birthday?

Thanks for the reply Onyx.

I think I will also encourage DS1 to pursue friendships more with the friends who reciprocate his invitations to come to our place for playdates and birthday invitations rather than this boy. Is this unreasonable? DS1 still says he is a good friend though.

I don't know how you would mention it casually to the parents if you say they aren't very friendly?
I can understand why you are upset but I'd probably just leave it. Hopefully your DS will be invited to other parties.

Thanks Black Rose.

DS1's birthday is not until next year but I can't imagine even letting him exclude one of his close playmates!

It's tricky isn't it! Dd1 invited a couple of friends to her 5th birthday, but we couldn't ask them all and i know her perception of close friends and mine are different.

Thanks Sangie. We have had email contact to arrange playdates etc. One on one they are friendly and we have had many good conversations
but they never join in group chats with other parents at school and at birthday parties. Don't know why????????????????????

:

---

I think I will also encourage DS1 to pursue friendships more with the friends who reciprocate his invitations to come to our place for playdates and birthday invitations rather than this boy. Is this unreasonable? DS1 still says he is a good friend though.

---

The problem seems to be with this boy's parents not the child himself so I would let it be. I try not to get involved with my DS's social lives beyond asking friends for play dates etc when they ask me to.
That said, if he says no to play dates there's no harm in inviting other children who will say yes.

BTW, I'm the parent who never chats much at school. Nothing to do with the other parents who are all lovely people I'm just a tad shy and anti-social (on a good day, on a bad day I'm positively misanthropic).

I was going to say too maybe the parents are a bit shy, I know I stand back a bit because the other parents that do chat seem to know each other well.
As for the party its so hard. I would let it go, it is sad tho, I know I feel upset if DD misses a party. But then at the same time we are organising her b'day party and we can't invite everyone and so many people she considers close friends.
Ask a variety of kids over for playdates maybe, mix with different kids.

Also it may just be as simple as the parents saying choose 5 friends so the child picks first five that come into his/her head dont take it to heart.

:

---

Thanks Sangie. We have had email contact to arrange playdates etc. One on one they are friendly and we have had many good conversations
but they never join in group chats with other parents at school and at birthday parties. Don't know why????????????????????

---

Don't get involved. Kids often get given a 'number' to choice who can get invited to the party. The parents may or may not have had anything to do with it. Use it as a teaching tool for your son - not everyone can always be invited to everything, and we shouldn't take it personally.

In reards to the parents not chatting at school or birthday parties; they may be shy, they may be socially awkward, or (like myself) they may just not wish to make the effort (because they don't want to be part or the 'cliche' or they already have enough friends and have no personal need nor want to make more from that situation).

I am extremely outgoing and friendly and am happy to carry on a conversation with anyone, but avoid it at school, because I am just not interested in forming relationships with the other parents, as lovely as they may be. I am happy to have the kids arrange playdates, but I will let my child choose their own friends for that and for their parties, if there is a limited number of invites.

I agree with the previous posters that it is probably easiest to just let it go. But I know in your position it would really eat at me as well because I would just want to know why, lol. I wouldn't ask them about it as such, but perhaps you could just mention to them that your son mentioned that it's their son's birthday soon and that he would like to celebrate it with him, so you would like to invite him over for a playdate. They might open up about the party and you could find that they just totally forgot your son or even thought that he WAS invited (considering the son made the invitations himself...).

No offense, and you probably dont mean it to come across this way, but that actually sounds passive aggressive, like you are trying to guilt them. How would you feel if your kid had a party and for whatever reason someone was left off the guest list (intentional or not) and they approached you like that.

I would leave it & assume that the boy was given a number of kids (maybe 10, given there were a few invited), & the first 10 that came to mind just simply didn't include your DS. Kids at that age don't think the same way we do, they don't really think of best friends first, unless specifically asked. If they're just asked for a list of names, they could come out in any order.

They may just be shy people (I've been guilty of that!) & they are a little embarrassed that your boys name ddn't come up, but they don't want to be slack on the rules they gave coz they might end up others expecting them to expand numbers too. That may be why they're kind of avoiding you.

Let it go & keep things up on your end. Next time I'm sure your DS will be top of the list :)

:

---

and you could find that they just totally forgot your son or even thought that he WAS invited (considering the son made the invitations himself...).

---

Mylitta, I think you may have hit the nail on the head seeing that the friend made the invitations himself. The parents may have thought he was invited.

:

---

Next time I'm sure your DS will be top of the list :)

---

Thanks Clover, that is sweet of you to say.

:

---

No offense, and you probably dont mean it to come across this way, but that actually sounds passive aggressive, like you are trying to guilt them. How would you feel if your kid had a party and for whatever reason someone was left off the guest list (intentional or not) and they approached you like that.

---

Really, offense is taken. Casually mentioning it to them might have resulted in the totally plausible explanation that Mylitta suggested. Mylitta explanation makes me feel better about the situation and I am grateful for forums like this as the perspectives of others can really help put the situation in perspective. I am not trying to guilt anyone.

If my son was invited around several times to a friends' house for playdates and he regularly played with that friend after school in the playground and that friend was one of a group of three friends that regularly played together and had done so all year, then there is no way I would leave that child off an invite list. It just wouldn't happen. I would not allow it. There has been no falling out as far as I know.

I think you are taking it too personally. And like misty I think it's rude to mention it.

One of the most important things you need to do as they grow is stay out of their friendships. Don't fight fires for them and don't take things like birthday parties too seriously. Assuming the worst doesn't help you or your child. And saying something is a huge social no no and could make things very uncomfortable. Let it go and continue to allow your child to choose his friends. I promise you in the grand scheme of things it's a blip on your child's radar. Nothing more.

Thanks for you advice Rouge and everyone else.

I will let it go.

For the record, DS1 and his friend had been talking about the birthday party for months. We even had a birthday present ready as we knew it was coming up. DS1 is fine with it. DS1 has shown amazing resilience and I am so proud of him.

I am glad your DS is ok with it all.

I think it's hard to know just what has happened but i tend to agree with the others about not bringing it up.
It could be a total mistake and the mum might realise once she doesn't get your RSVP OR he might have been told to pick 5 friends and on that particular day he didn't think of your DS and his mum might just be leaving it up to him.

My DD1 and her bestie from kinder have days where they love each other, hold hands, don't want to leave each others sides then other days they don't really see eye to eye and are happy playing with other kids, if she wasn't invited to K's party i would be a little upset but i would just have to realise kids will be kids and i can't MAKE them continue to be friends.. IYKWIM.

I had a similar thing happen and found out later that DD1 actually had been invited but the invitation somehow never made its way home to me and as such she missed the party and the poor little girl had only 2 people turn up :(

I felt really bad afterwards as I probably should have said something but felt too awkward asking - if I had said something I would have known she was invited. It's such a difficult situation.

I can see why you're upset, but like others I wouldn't think too much of it. It could even be something like there are multiple boys with the same name as your DS and your DS's friend couldn't rememeber the surname? :shrug: who knows really, and I wouldn't let it ruin their friendship if they are both still particularly fond of eachother.

Perhaps if you DID want to say something, you could broach by saying to the mum and little boy when you see them at school that you both hope he enjoys his birthday party, (id say the last day of school before the party) and that you will have to make a playdate for the following weekend or whenever they're free so they can have fun with the little boys new toys. :)
That way, in the chance that your DS was meant to be invited, she's made aware that he wasn't, and may invite him then, but if it was intentional for him not to be invited, it won't become awkward, because you're not sour about it :)

As for their parents not being talkative, that's me written all over, I'm very shy and socially awkward, so while I would like to talk to people, i wouldn't be able to. Some people mistake that as being snobby or not wanting to know them, but I'm always very polite and nice if talked to, just shy around new people is all.


Sent from the land of "iSomethings" so forgive me for any spelking misstaks ;)

I would let it go.

When DS1 was in kinder to year 2 he was at a very small school with only 27 kids in the class. As a consequence, I would invite all the children to his birthday parties.

One of the mother's pulled me aside for DS's 6 year old birthday party and said, I believe you've invited Sweet Little Girl to the party. I said yes, of course, I invite all the children, there are so few of them that I would feel awful to leave someone out. She then informed me that her Precious Sooky Boy would not be coming. WTF?!

A few weeks later there was another childs birthday in the class and DS1 had an invitation. I was in Coles on the morning of the party buying a birthday card and some other bits and pieces when I heard this sweet child talking to her mother in the next aisle. I remember it so clearly:

And can we have balloons at my special party mumma?
Yes, sweetheart we can.
And can we have some lollies too?
Yes, sweetheart we can.
And can you and daddy play games with me too mumma?
Yes, sweetheart of course we will.

I smiled to myself at how cute this sounded. When we rounded the corner I saw that it was Sweet Little Girl and her mother. I smiled at them both and Sweet Little Girl's mother gave me a nervous smile and started to walk off. I looked at my son then at Sweet Little Girl and announced - DS1 isn't going to Little Turd's party today either.

Not long after that event, Sweet Little Girl moved to another school.

I was never "in" with the other mothers at that small school - I was a single mother, had a great job and was trying my damndest to get into their husbands pants (their thought not mine). I stayed away from the afterschool pick up except Wednesday's when I didn't work so I could take my lovely little boy straight across the road to the bakery for a cupcake and then we'd walk home. I ignored the parents but spoke to the children - I was even taken off the tuckshop roster (but that's another story).

I think what I'm trying to say is: don't waste your time trying to figure out what it is you've done wrong because you've done nothing wrong.

I've never understood the parent clique at school and I don't think I want to. In my opinion this was the worst act of bullying. Whatever it was that her parents "did" this little girl did not deserve to be treated like this - I don't go for the "sins of the father" thing.

Lastly, FWIW, the lady who told me that Precious Sooky Boy wouldn't be coming to DS1s party is still the canteen lady (albeit at high school instead). Precious Sooky Boy is a bogan and will never move out of Small Town and is welcome to keep his sooky little life.

DS1 and I have moved on and away and have everything that we could have ever wished for with our wonderful family. I'm sure that Sweet Little Girl is a gorgeous young lady who doesn't give a fig about the small-mindedness of some parents.

I can completely understand how you feel about this, I would too, but I do agree to let it go. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything. :hug:

Birthday party has already happened, so parents would be aware already that there was no RSVP and they haven't mentioned anything. DS1 only found out because his other close-friend was talking about the cool stuff he got from the birthday party.

:

---

I can completely understand how you feel about this, I would too, but I do agree to let it go. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything. :hug:

---

Thanks for understanding and cyberhug. :D

:

---

My DD1 and her bestie from kinder have days where they love each other, hold hands, don't want to leave each others sides then other days they don't really see eye to eye and are happy playing with other kids, if she wasn't invited to K's party i would be a little upset but i would just have to realise kids will be kids and i can't MAKE them continue to be friends.. IYKWIM.

---

Thanks ZF. Yes, friendship are fliud concepts at this age. DS1 is 6. He has had a few love/hate relationships with kids in his class. He is certainly growing from the experiences. He doesn't let it affect him. I should take my lesson from him, hey! :D

:

---

Really, offense is taken. Casually mentioning it to them might have resulted in the totally plausible explanation that Mylitta suggested. Mylitta explanation makes me feel better about the situation and I am grateful for forums like this as the perspectives of others can really help put the situation in perspective. I am not trying to guilt anyone.

If my son was invited around several times to a friends' house for playdates and he regularly played with that friend after school in the playground and that friend was one of a group of three friends that regularly played together and had done so all year, then there is no way I would leave that child off an invite list. It just wouldn't happen. I would not allow it. There has been no falling out as far as I know.

---

The post you are taking offense at was a response to Mylitta's post. I truly wasn't aiming to offend anyone, I was just pointing out my opinion on the way she suggested you handle it (and as stated, i doubt that was her intention, but it would be how it would come across none the less). I stand by that opinion. If you choose to be offended by my opinion on someone else's suggestion, then by all means feel free too. Unless you are somehow taking offense on behalf of Mylitta (whom i actually hold a high opinion of myself), but i am sure that if she thinks i was offensive to her she is very capable of addressing it herself). And maybe if you are getting offended by so many things you need to stop and ask yourself why.

I genuinely hope you are able to come to terms with your boy not being invited to the party, because I can garuantee you it will not be the last time. I highly doubt it is any reflection of your child, these things just happen. And it will happen more as he grows older. All kids experience it sometime or another. If he isn't worried about it, then you shouldn't be either.

Furthermore, if you are that desperate to know, it would be more honest, less passive aggressive and more reliable to simPly go up to the Parents and ask them directly about it.

Sorry Misty but I read your post as a stand alone post as it did not quote the response it was in reply too and therefore it appeared on the face of it to be directed to me. I apologise.

I am grateful to everyone who has taken the time to respond and share there valuable life experiences.

I would never presume to ask a parent why my DD wasnt invited to their child's party. The thought horrifies me with its tackiness to be honest. As wonderful as my DD is I know that not every child or parent is going to like her and want her at their party and I am okay with that. My job is to make sure she's okay with that. It's not my job to petition other parents for an invitation on her behalf.

It is not likely to be an oversight to be honest. I'm sure your DS is the best little kid in the world but the harsh reality is that he wont be invited to every party. There'll come a day you'll be thankful for that :lol:

I have been on both sides. Upset that DD1 was not getting invites, but then also being the mum choosing NOT to invite certain children. It is hard being on both sides.
Hurt for her about friendships maybe not being what we thought they were, also blaming myself, thinking it was due to me not being great friends with the other parents.
Then turning around and not putting invites into the pigeon holes of certain frenemies who DD was desperate to have at her party, as I did not want to encourage the friendship.

I think it is better for them to learn early one that not everyone gets invited, including themselves. As parents we need to learn how to deal with them being individuals along with the ups and downs of their friendships.

I haven't been in this situation yet but I'm sure I will be.

I think my stance would be this. If I liked DD's friend and she wanted to invite her for a playmate, then I'd keep inviting her. Kids don't choose their parents and if for some unknown reason, the parents did not like me or my child then that's their problem.

As for the party, extremely tricky, but again, if I liked DD's friend then I'd hope we could move past it. Maybe the parents over-ruled them. At the end of the day there's a myriad of possibilities but if the children want to be friends and if I think the other child is a 'good kid' then I'd hope I could prioritise that.

Whole different kettle of fish if I didn't want DD to be friends with a particular kid. There's a couple of girls at DD's kindy who seem (admittedly from the very snatched interaction I've had with them so far) to be a bit mean. I won't be encouraging that friendship even though their mums seems absolutely lovely and people I'd get on well with. On the other side, the kids who DD plays with the most seem kind and a lot of fun. Unfortunately, their mums seem boring and one-dimensional. Clearly, I'm going to have to suck it up.

:

---

The post you are taking offense at was a response to Mylitta's post. I truly wasn't aiming to offend anyone, I was just pointing out my opinion on the way she suggested you handle it (and as stated, i doubt that was her intention, but it would be how it would come across none the less). I stand by that opinion. If you choose to be offended by my opinion on someone else's suggestion, then by all means feel free too. Unless you are somehow taking offense on behalf of Mylitta (whom i actually hold a high opinion of myself), but i am sure that if she thinks i was offensive to her she is very capable of addressing it herself). And maybe if you are getting offended by so many things you need to stop and ask yourself why.

I genuinely hope you are able to come to terms with your boy not being invited to the party, because I can garuantee you it will not be the last time. I highly doubt it is any reflection of your child, these things just happen. And it will happen more as he grows older. All kids experience it sometime or another. If he isn't worried about it, then you shouldn't be either.

Furthermore, if you are that desperate to know, it would be more honest, less passive aggressive and more reliable to simPly go up to the Parents and ask them directly about it.

---

Oops, just read your initial response and realised that my post could have been misconstrued. Never meant for it to come off sounding even slightly passive aggressive, lol. My concern was if there had been a genuine mistake made where the DS had been mistakenly forgotten or the invitation lost etc, and I tried to come up an alternative to actually asking about the party (which could have made both mums a little uncomfortable if there was no mistake made). I figured that by not even mentioning the party at all and just asking if the birthday boy could come over for a playdate to celebrate then either a mistake would be noticed by the other Mum which would make the DS happy, or a playdate would be organised which would also make the DS happy :)