Why do you do nice things?

Inspired by Olive's lovely post about helping an old man...

Do you do nice things for strangers? Why?

For example, if the person in front of you at the checkout was 50c short to pay for their shopping would you pay? What if it was $5, or $10?
Would you give a lift to a stranger who needed it? Why would you do this, for reward, public recognition, or private boost? Has someone helped you like this and you are just paying it forward?

A person on my facebook (not a friend but one of those awkward situations where I can't find a way to delete her without making university uncomfortable) recently posted that she's glad she has been giving a lift to another student because now that person has been buying her gifts and I found it odd. Not that she shouldn't appreciate the gifts but it was the way it was stated which was basically "more people should do nice things because then people buy you stuff". But am I unusual and is her attitude more common?

Just musing, would be interested in your thoughts :)

Ew. You don't do nice things for people to get stuff. That's not being nice, that's being manipulative.

I do what I think is right. If that happens to be being nice then so be it. If someone needs something I have and it won't put me or my family out I'll help. I don't go overboard though. But I do think that you get what you give back, and I do think you should treat others how you would like to be treated. And pay it forward and all that. It's what I always say to people that I help. Don't help me back, help someone else.

And Olive, I still think that was super awesome :hug:

I do nice things because it makes me feel good I don't do it for anything in return although a smile of apreciation would be nice.

I TY to do nice things for other people (including strangers).

I have paid the difference in someones shopping before, left the $1 in the trolley for the next person who couldn't find a coin.
I do it to help someone else out plain and simple, i'd also hope that IF i was ever a couple of $$ short someone might say here don't worry.

If i help a friend i do it because they are my friend, not because they MIGHT get me a gift or it means they owe me, thats not how i work.

I am a big believer in helping where I can. I paid for a woman's fuel a few months back because she had forgot her wallet, was struggling with a little baby and was close to tears when she realized she couldn't pay. It was $20 and it saved her heartache. DH thinks it's mad sometimes but I remember when mine were little and things were hard, just little things made my day better. I didn't expect her to pay me back (even though she offered repeatedly), I was just trying to do a good thing for someone. We try and pass that onto our kids, being nice to others and helping people when they need it (and so far most of it is sticking). I can't say to them do xyz and not practice it in my own life ITMS.

I'm sure I do nice things. I can't remember what though! Generally speaking, I guess I try to be considerate. Holding lifts open, helping someone carry something, spending lots of time looking for the perfect present, giving people lifts. That sort of thing.

Though yesterday I received a MASSIVE box in the mail and I picked it up from the bottom of my office building. Some random guy ran over and carried it all the way to my desk for me. And now the guy I work with has offered to carry it all the way to my car.

People are nice. I want to be that nice right back. :)

I realise I forgot to answer my own question :lol:

I do nice things when I can because I have received help in my life and I am just paying it forward. I have to admit though I feel good when I do something nice for a stranger, kind of like a high, so maybe I am doing nice things to get something in return. Not getting stuff in return, but that nice feeling. Not sure what to do about that though.

Rouge, you are so correct in your call of manipulative, that is exactly what this person is.

I think it's the very very very rare person who would do something purely for altruistic reasons. There's nothing wrong with doing something nice because it makes you feel good. I think that's honest and the 'true' reason most people do nice things... They just probably don't Realise consciously.

I am nice because I like the feeling and I think it makes me a 'good person' - whatever that means ;)

I probably don't do it with money much, but holding doors, saying Thankyou, helping people lift things etc etc etc.... It's just nice, and feels good. And people usually smile at you, and that feels good.

I like to think that I do nice things without even thinking about it, it just happens

I never give it a 2nd thought. I just do it.

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I probably don't do it with money much, but holding doors, saying Thankyou, helping people lift things etc etc etc.... It's just nice, and feels good. And people usually smile at you, and that feels good.

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Exactly this ^. I do nice things because the smile and thanks i get just feels nice and i do what i would hope someone else would do for me. The generosity of strangers is sometimes overwhelming.

I found an ipod touch in the playground and tried really hard to find the owner, called local high schools and put up posters. I didn't go to the police because I doubted they would actively try to find the owner. Eventually I took it to the Apple store to see if it was registered.

It was. But the Apple guy was so weird and rude to me, treated me like an idiot. I have no idea why. He asked me if I wanted to give the owner my details and I said "no, that's not necessary." I didn't want anything or to make them feel like they owed me. This just made the Apple guy treat me even worse.

I left the store feeling like sh**. But I wouldn't have done it any differently (I will, however, never go back to an Apple store).

I've always assumed I do nice things because I am an animal that lives in a herd and it's biologically hardwired into me to advance the needs of the herd and therefore propagate my species.

I think most of us are nice to others just because it's a nice thing to do. It seems to be part of human nature and I agree, gives a lovely high :). What goes around comes around, I totally believe that. I don't do nice things to have nice things in return, it's just in my nature (and in lots of people's nature that I know).

I have a lot to be thankful for thanks to the kindness of others - growing up we literally had nothing and the amount of kindness we were shown by friends and strangers is just amazing. I am only more than happy to be generous in return (paying it forward I guess) as I know how much it means :)

I always knew that that was why you did nice things for me, Onyx! I AM your herd. :)

I think this a paradox. If someone bought me a gift for doing something nice i would feel uncomfortable because it's so un-necessary and just kind of doesn't need a gift. But I have at times bought gifts for people who've helped me out. Is that weird?

But definitely I would just help someone for the sake of it - because that's the right thing to do and it's part of being a community (or a herd if you prefer).

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I've always assumed I do nice things because I am an animal that lives in a herd and it's biologically hardwired into me to advance the needs of the herd and therefore propagate my species.

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Duuuuuude! I wish that were the case. Or the world would be perfect. :hug:

I think it was hardwired into me at a young age at school - that it's important to be a "good" person and help others. I don't remember my parents telling me that but my dad is a very considerate, giving man so he probably set me that example.

Later on, I think I realised that it makes me feel good too and later still that yes, I think there's a certain amount of truth in the idea of karma.

So yes, I would definitely help people out if they were short of cash at the checkout. I'm also conscious of setting my girls a good example. The other day, I saw a woman parked at the side of the road with her hazard lights on. We went back to see if she needed help.

I am not sure how nice I am to be honest. Sometimes doing nice things just don't cross my mind, I can't get pretty blinkered when stressed or down.

When I do help out though, I don't it for getting something in return, even though at times there is a side benefit. Like when I have kids clothes that are no longer needed, it benefits both the receiver and me, as I no longer have them crowding my house). I have often volunteered in the past, which is yet another thing that benefits me (even though I don't have to do it).

I do think sometimes I don't give/help out when I think of it when there seems to be competition involved (who can spend more time, give more things/money).

I help other people because I would feel bad about myself if I didn't.

I see someone struggling - I have struggled before. I don't like struggling. I help that person. I have given elderly neighbours lifts, run a Boys Brigade and Youth Clubs (pre-children), babysat on a moment's notice, helped carry pushchairs and luggage on and off trains, donated clothes...

And why? Because I like it when someone offers me a lift, someone looks after my child and organises activities, will help out when I need it, has helped me with heavy/bulky items. Or I imagine I would like it when I'm old and alone that a neighbour visits to see how I am, or will go out in the snow to get me some bread because I have none. If I didn't do these nice things, who would? And if no-one does, what's the incentive to do them? So how can I expect others to look after me if I won't be nice to others first?

That and I don't like seeing someone struggle in life when I could help them not struggle.

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I always knew that that was why you did nice things for me, Onyx! I AM your herd. :)

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No, it's because she wants to propagate you :o

That sounds painful :o

This thread reminds me of a Friends episode, where Joey told Phoebe that she couldn't possibly do a selfless act because it would make her feel happy, and therefore it wouldn't be selfless. So she donated her entire savings (that she was saving up for something specific) to something she hated....only to get her name on TV, so it still wasn't selfless :rofl:

I like to do nice things for people. I find it difficult to let people do nice things for me though, I always need to reciprocate. For instance, a friend bought a flower clip for me, and send it anonymously. She eventually told me who she was, coz she knew I'd go crazy trying to figure it out, and immediately I wanted to send her a gift hamper or something!

The nicest thing that someone ever did for me was when my twins were 1.5 and my pram broke. I was skint and trying to work out if I could cope using a single buggy and a sling to get by when my lovely friend invited herself for lunch. When she got there she pulled out a catalogue with a picture of a pram and said "that's your new pram". She bought me a gorgeous double buggy just because she had the funds. I have paid her back in kind with free carpets and the like but that feeling of someone solving my problem with a slip of paper is probably the reason I help people where I can.

Shortly after that her husband lost his job and she was struggling financially. Someone (not me as I was still poor) deposited several thousand pounds into her bank account and she still doesn`t know who. I guess you reap what you sow.

i wouldnt do nice things to get something in return, although a thank you is nice.

Dh does alot more random nice things than me, not cause im a big meany, i think he just sees the opportunities more than i do. i agree with the pay it forward train of thought.

I do nice things but expect nothing in return.

I also prefer not to mention the nice things I do as a verse in the bible always struck a cord with me but I have a brain freeze at the moment.

It basically says you don't need recognition for the charity you do and I truly believe in not having to shout from the top of my lungs that wow I helped some one out.

Why do I do nice things? I think because I was brought up where nice things were done for our family. We were poor and there were always a number of people willing to help our family to which I am still grateful for today.

I believe doing nice things for people when you can is a kindness. I value kindness and compassion and try to practice it as much as I can. It makes me feel good about myself. Who says that altruism has to hurt or be emotionally neutral? I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling good about being kind to people. I think it's lovely.

I do think there is a difference in being kind and being needy or a people pleaser. I've seen people, normally women, desperately trying to please people, and think, this isn't because the others need help, but she needs to feel needed. There is a lack in her that she is trying to fill and if people arent 'grateful' to her for all that she's doing, she feels let down. It's hard to explain, but that kind of emotional well puts me off. Maybe it's manipulative. I guess I don't feel the motivation is altruism, but more a kind of feeding off others to feel better about herself.

That's quite like my dad L&B, I would say he borders on narcassistic. When we were poor in Scotland he offered by husband a job if we relocated to England to be near him but we couldn't accept because knowing my dad he was doing it so he could tell everyone how he saved us when we were struggling and how he had to give his SIL a job so that everyone would know how wonderful he was. Whereas my MIL lent us the money to come back to Australia, a much bigger and more expensive gesture and I know it was purely from the goodness of her heart so we didn't need to struggle so much.

I think it is manipulative. It's not pure and I think it taints the act. Just like doing it because you think you should rather than because you want too.

I have the opposite problem where people think I'm too nice and that aggravates me. Its not an effort for me otherwise I wouldn't do it. And I am pretty quick at weeding out the needy and the dependants. Or those who don't reciprocate but expect the world from me.

I believe in paying it forward and also being true to yourself. I figure that you have to live with your actions, and life is too short not to be happy with the way you live life.

recently we went to st kilda and it was about 11am. when dp went to pay for a parking ticket a guy gave him his all day ticket as he was leaving. when we left a couple of hours later we did the same thing.

I go by my gut instinct and if I think someone could use the help (be it monetary or otherwise) then I offer because I want to.

Yeah, I can spot the co-dependent, needy types a mile away. It's like there's a black hole of neediness sucking off others' life force and I actually find it revolting. Literally. It makes me feel sick.

Anyhoo, back to kindness and all things nice...

I try to do nice things because why shouldn't I? If I can help someone then I do because I would hate to be in a position myself where I felt I had no one who cared.
I try and put myself in their shoes and imagine what if and I know I wouldn't want to make someone's life any harder then it is so I help if I can.

Agree about the "I need to help so TAKE MY HELP - I don't care you don't need it" people. I don't like them either. Like the over-zealous boy scout who leaves old ladies on the wrong side of the road because he "helped" them cross when they didn't want to in the first place. Needy people's help often makes things worse.

Matthew 6:1-6:

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Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

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Yuck, L&B ikwym, that's DH's sister. And you have to say thank you a thousand times or you're ungrateful. Once isn't enough.

Anyway. This reminds me of that Friends episode where Joey is arguing that there's no selfless good deed, because when you help it makes you feel good, so you get something out of it. I guess that's why I help too, it makes me feel good to help others :)

I do help people as often as I can. I have been this way my whole life. My mum used to feed the homeless guys that lived in the park across the road from our house. I think that helping people should be second nature and things would be lovely if more people did. I have lived so many different lives - in a refuge, a homeless teen, a single mum, a single working & studying mum, a homeowner, lived in dept housing, married & working, been dirt poor and been reasonably well off. I know how much it sucked to be in the lower points in my life and if I am in a position to help someone who is in a low point in their life, I won't hesitate.