When a 6yo child has never met their grandparent . . .

i come from a violent family, have been "divorced" from my family since my early 20's.

Now i have had a child, and she is very verbal now, every year as it gets near to xmas, i have this tug of war in my head - should i contact my mother, and tell her about bilby, so that bilby might have a chance of having a grandparent. (both grandpas are deceased, other grandma is interstate in a nursing home - dementia - so is not well enough to even realise she has bilby as her grand-daughter).

Has anyone else gone thru anything like this?

i have no=one to talk it thru with, so unsure, so many things stop me from going ahead.

Bilby is getting older, 6 in November, aware that other kids have grandparents. Is really putting me on the spot about "where are my grandparents"?

And how to deal with the "gap" of not seeing them. Having to explain to bilby (IF i do this), why she didn't have contact with her grandma for the first six years of her life.

i am worried that bilby will have so many questions (of me), to which the only truthful answer, is things to do with violence, that i really don't want to discuss with her until she's an adult.

Bilby is very lonely. I feel so guilty that she is an only child. Her one cousin is interstate. We are not social butterflies (cannot afford to be social in the way that her school friends are, plus we live in a crime ghetto, so cannot invite school mates over for playdates.) Christmas is meant to be this big family time, i am dreading, how i possibly make xmas fun for bilby, just her and me on xmas day. I remember xmas as a time of getting together with many relatives, i cannot replicate that for her. Not even sure if contacting my mother would be any better - so unsure. But time is marching on, as i tussle with this topic every year, around this time - as bilby is getting a year older every year. Will she hate me, when she's an adult, for denying her a grandma, as a kid?

so conflicted about this

My mother "divorced" her grandmother. This woman died when I was 7. I found out about her when doing a family tree for school age 11. So older than Bilby is now, so the explanation would be different. My mother explained that her grandmother was mean (and gave examples) and she chose for her daughters not to be influenced by her toxicity. I now realise, if all my mother said was correct, this woman probably had a cluster B personality disorder, as does my mother (and at least one of her siblings). However, that has never been explicitly stated. And while I was surprised that I had a dead relative I'd never had the chance to meet, I respected my mother's decision not to allow a mean person into my life (although she let mean people in so long as they weren't mean to her - but I didn't analyse it at the time). As an adult, I am thankful: one cluster B relative is one too many!

You can tell Bilby that her grandparents are dead - not 100% true but also not a lie, two of them are. You can tell Bilby that your mother is mean and you don't play with mean people.

Can you find some localish people who are also on their own for Christmas and have your own big party? I know some Churches do a big lunch for those who don't have family around so it can be a big celebratory day: even if it isn't with blood relatives, having a young child around will bring a lot of joy to many elderly people on their own who are missing families.

Gigi - what do you want to do? Bilby and your mental and physical health are far more important than an idealised dream of a grandparent relationship IMO. How do you feel about reconnecting yourself? I only wonder as I have quite a strained relationship with my girls grandmother (she is my stepmother) and I have been restricting the girls access to her as she is fairly badly behaved. I had hoped this behaviour would only be reserved for me and privately but it has gone outside that realm. It is difficult but I worry that the issues of the past are going to be repeated and that this will set them up for very low self esteem and mental health issues. I have been lucky enought to create a support network recently that has a few significant adult for the girls to see via school and kinder. These families are in a similar situation due to relocation or circumstances so it works out well for all of us. It has taken a lot of trust and me opening up about my life - this has been hard but I have realised that there are some lovely amazing people out there and I am worthy of good relationships. I can see why you may feel like you cannot make a village for yourselves given current circumstances but I wonder if you can have some alternatives, especially now it is getting warmer. Any chance you could organise some catchups at a park/beach etc. Things that are fairly low cost but fun? I know it takes some courage and putting yourself out there but this may help you in creating a support network and fun for yourselves. I know many mums that are on restricted budgets for one reason or another and this is often how we catch up, also as it avoids the constant reinforcing of consumerism for the kids. xxxxx

Oh hun, lots of hugs xox

How do YOU feel about contacting your mother? Put bilby aside for a moment and think about what you want... Because if your not happy with contacting your mother then that is going to show and make things more akward.

As to what you tell her? Tell her the truth, tell her that their grandpa's are passed, and that the other mother lives interstate... (you don't even have to bring your mother up unless she ask specifically) then if that happens - I would go with the truth, tell her that you and her just don't get along because she was mean to you.

I think that you are doing the best you can and you already make christmas super fun for bilby and yourself xox

I think you have to consider how you feel first about reconnecting with your mother. Think about if you do reconnect, Christmas Day could end up being a very uncomfortable day with you, Bilbly, and the mother you made an adult decision not to see any more. Would that be any more fun for you or Bilby? Or you could create your own traditions. A special day for just you and your girl, find out what she wants to do and do it. As a PP mentioned you could find a church celebration, or a community celebration that you could join in if you wanted. You're right in that Christmas is traditionally about family, but you are Bibly's family and her most important family at that so it's ok if the two of you spend the day together.

Your "family" is those people you love.

DS1 never had a father in his life until he was 10. Just before he turned 11 I met a wonderful man who is his father in every essence of the word except that tiny little biological issue.

In the wise words of an almost 5 year old he said to me one day that he didn't need a father because he had me.

Kids accept what they grow up with to be normal. To DS1 "normal" was living with me and his maternal grandparents. He thought his life was better than other kids who didn't get to see their grandparents.

He also had a friend whose both sets of grandparents were deceased and lived with his parents - this little boy thought his world was perfect. He had another friend who's father was MIA and his mother was a drug addict so she lived with her grandparents - again, her life was perfect, she was a well-balanced, happy, loving little girl.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Your family is small. Christmas isn't about big - it's about love.

:

---

Christmas isn't about big - it's about love.

---

totally agree with you

I didn't grow up with either sets of grandparents and I was never angry at my parents because I didn't know any different. I still don't know any different really, I can never truly understand what it would be like to be close to grandparents cause I never had it. What you don't know won't hurt you. I think she'll be fine. It's up to you.

Mine have never met my parents and never will. They ask and I give them age appropriate information. I think this is one of those times when it's our job to make the right decision for them, and their safety even if they don't agree with us at the time.

DD & DS have lots of family that love them, even if they aren't blood related. Lots of aunts and uncles and even pseudo grandparents. I don't feel they miss out because of my choices. I think they have gained because of them.

DD has 'met' her paternal grandmother 3 times, and DS never has.
In light of recent events, they will never have contact with her because she is abusive.

When they are old enough, I will also tell them that she is 'mean'.

You have to make the decision for your little one.
Is it worth exposing her to someone who may 'turn' and become abusive or not a great influence on your child's life?
Is it better to not expose them to start with, so that this person never has to be 'taken away'?

As for bilby being lonely - are you sure? It doesn't sound like the introduction of a grandmother would make much of a difference to her everyday. Also, if you did do it, i think it would be better to do it at a different time of year. Christmas might come with added stress and pressure that a random other time of year would not do.

My daughters have never met my biological father and they never will, although unlike your situation they do still have four grandparents.

I agree with Traveller in that first and foremost, how will you feel. Do you want to try and build an ongoing relationship? If you do, then my suggestion would be that you work on that first withut Bilby's involvement. She may be lonely at not having grandparents, but it would I imagine be far worse for her to have the dream of one oh so close and then disappear if things didn't work out.

You made the decision not to have contact for a reason. As a general rule, and certainly in my case, having children now makes it all the more important to remember those reasons and maintain the distance. Miss I and Miss E know that I have another dad out there, as well as a brother and that they have another cousin, but for the time being they accept their lack of contact with them due to them being "a long way away". When they are older I will explain it to them, and my reasons for the decisions I have made.

Is there an old people's home anywhere near you? I know when I took my eldest to visit my grandmother when she was in one all the other oldies loved it too. So many of them are very lonely with no family of their own, so while they wouldn't be Bilby's true grandparents, she could form some nice relationships.

If I were you, I would make contact. I suspect because you have been pondering it for such a long time, if you didn't do it you will always be wondering. You don't have to make the first contact with bilby. Meet her yourself, check out the situation. Things may have changed and you may be glad that you did. Things may have not changed and you can then choose to not let bilby meet her after all. Of course you need to make up your own mind, but that is what I would do.

I don't know what sort of relationship breakdown occurred and whether or not there was physical or emotional abuse. But please tread carefully. I have been on the other side too and it was harder to understand limited contact than it was to understand none at all. It's our job to protect them after all. I see too many people subject their children to damaging grandparents just because they are family. And history repeats itself down the line. As someone who has no family there are worse things I could think of. I am very blessed. Without blood ties. And I know a lot of people who miss their own relatives who have passed away. Tell me ill regret it one day. No. I won't. I understand missing a loving relative. But unless you've walked a mile in my shoes loving an idea is very different to loving reality.

:

---

I don't know what sort of relationship breakdown occurred and whether or not there was physical or emotional abuse. But please tread carefully. I have been on the other side too and it was harder to understand limited contact than it was to understand none at all. It's our job to protect them after all. I see too many people subject their children to damaging grandparents just because they are family. And history repeats itself down the line. As someone who has no family there are worse things I could think of. I am very blessed. Without blood ties. And I know a lot of people who miss their own relatives who have passed away. Tell me ill regret it one day. No. I won't. I understand missing a loving relative. But unless you've walked a mile in my shoes loving an idea is very different to loving reality.

---

Rouge, i decided to "divorce" myself from my family in my early 20's, after physical and emotional abuse from 6-17. It was very hard to do. I had tried so hard to "bury" the hurt and swallow it, but it bubbled up in my life, even years after i had left the family home (at 17). When i was taken to hospital and was in a coma for months, the hospital contacted my "next of kin", who unfortunately, were my parents. So against my will and knowledge, they were introduced back into my life. When i came out of the coma, i was scared of them, but didn't know why. When my memories started returning, it was terrifying to find out why i was so scared of them. But i had no=one else to help me while i was in rehab (bring me what i needed) and i felt so vulnerable, couldn't speak at the time, so by default, they were in my life for a few months. once i was discharged back into the community, (they had spent my bank account, sold some of my belongings, ruined my car), i gradually got better and stronger, they became more abusive - old patterns returning - and so i cut them off again.

Bilby IS very lonely.
i have very few contacts, have not built a network for her, to be substitute family.
We have one relative, who is not very warm person, it's just her way. So we have random contact with her, but it's strained.
Bilby is very social. I am not. I can't cope with lots of noise, pets, the embarrassment of not being able to afford what everyone else is doing, the embarrassment of not being able to invite people to where we live, the embarrassment of all the begin to get to know you questions.
i organised a playdate for bilby last week, invited another child. i got the date wrong. We re-organised it for the correct date, i ended up bursting into tears when the child's mum asked me the inevitable "get to know you" questions. i force myself to do the playdate thing, for bilby, but it's not even neutral for me, it's very unpleasant.

i am very truthful about, both grandpas are deceased, daddy's mother is in old folk's home interstate. I say nothing about my mother. By using logic, one day bilby will put me directly on the spot. "so where is YOUR mother mum?".

When bilby was a baby, it was clear to me. She is vulnerable, i know what my mother is capable of. No way my mother is seeing her as a pre-verbal child. Now bilby is nearly six, speaks just fine to communicate. I've taught her child protection stuff and emphasise she can talk to me about anything, especially stuff she's unsure about and i will always listen to her.

So many misgivings, yes, so many fears that my mother will emotionally abuse me in front of bilby, and how torn bilby will feel. Wanting to connect with her grandma, but being upset that bad things are said about me - which will confuse her - she will want to know if it's true. And my self confidence is so splat, i won't be able to answer her like i should.

And my siblings, who stopped me from attending my own father's send off, they will be another dynamic that i won't know how to deal with. They are so angry at me, the reward for taking so many beatings, meant for my brother, ones my sister would have copped, if my mum hadn't locked her in a room for her own protection. Yes, it was me left alone with my dad. I was the oldest - psychologists tell me it's called "scapegoating". I felt like i was saving my siblings at the time, they were much younger and smaller. I still don't regret that.

I have never known or met my father's father. I don't remember when I was first told that he was abusive but I've always known that he was abusive and left when my dad was 10. I don't feel like I've missed out and should he ever reappear (which is highly doubtful) I have no desire to have anything to do with him.

DF and I have decided that at this time, Shoopy will have nothing to do with DF's mother. She's an alcoholic and sat by as DF was beaten as a kid. We told her when we started TTC, when I fell pregnant and when Shoopy was born, but told her that until she is sober and has been for a set period of time, she will have nothing to do with us or Shoopy. Unfortunately at this stage, her granddaughter isn't enough motivation to give up the bottle. Aside from not wanting Shoopy around an alcoholic, she is apparently quite nasty when she is drunk. We are not prepared to allow Shoopy to grow up in a toxic environment. We plan to tell Shoopy about her Nanna, and explain (to a point)why she doesn't see her. Obviously it will be in very simple terms to begin with (Nanna is sick and it makes her not very nice) and as she gets older we may then share more. There's no shock then, no surprise as to why this person isn't in her life. It just the way it is and that's normal, itms?

the point, about IF i make contact, to do it JUST between my mother and me, so if it doesn't work out, bilby isn't in a position of "losing" a grandma - that is what i have suspected to. I think i ignored that idea, cos the reality is, if my mother and i could reconnect, if that's possible, it would take a long time - and so bilby would STILL be without a grandma for THIS xmas. And i suspect my mum would grill me immed, grill me about kids, and guess that i did have a child and bully me into telling her. She would be over the moon to have a grand-daughter (she has two other grandkids - boys and another grandchild on the way). The 2 current grandkids now live interstate, i can imagine my mother being rapt to have bilby in her life. I can imagine my mother pressuring me to introduce her to bilby, have sleepovers, unsupervised visits etc.

A big need to a counsellor to oversee/advocate/guide me and my mother thru this process - IF it ever comes to that. But i have no idea how to get that kind of help.

i go to jelly around my mother, cannot defend myself. All the post traumatic stress triggers happen, i feel totally vulnerable. Not the way bilby needs to see me. It would mess her up.

So, Gigi, from what you say:

Your mother was abusive.
Your mother was unable to care for you when you were in a coma and could not be trusted even with your stuff.
Your mother would still abuse you if she could.
Your siblings will not help you.
Your mother makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to see her or have her bully you.
You don't want her to meet Bilby, you don't even want her to know Bilby exists.

Why, exactly, are you even considering reconnecting with her? Bilby really isn't missing out.

she's the only grandma bilby actually has.

she's alive

bilby notices other kid's grandmas and grandpas and looks a bit envious

bilby would make a lovely grand-daughter

annual events are so lonely, just the two of us

the one relative i still have (an aunt), i had hoped, would become a grandma figure to bilby, but that's not working out

i don't feel like i'm enough for bilby

i would like her to have relationships with people of different generations

lots of things i am rubbish at, my mother is good at (e.g cooking) and i'm sure bilby would benefit from that, learn how to cook etc.

Gigi, Bilby's dad is the only dad Bilby has. He's alive. Does Bilby also envy other children their fathers? And Bilby makes a lovely daughter. Are you going to get back together with her father now? No. Well then.

For crying out loud, "she's alive" isn't a reason to stay in an abusive relationship, much less invite one back into your life. You are more than enough for Bilby, your lack of self-esteem is just not letting you see that.

As for the different generations and the cooking things - there is time for that. I know you dislike socialising, but far better to make a new relationship with a nice old lady than to resurrect an abusive one with a horrid old lady.

you will really want to slap me FB, i constantly wonder, am i doing the right thing (with the breakup). WOuld bilby be safer (away from this dodgy suburb), living with her dad, if i made the decision that we should all live together again. I doubt myself about EVERYTHING.

my reasons (for the grandma part)
were not there, as GOOD reasons
they are just the things that i can come up with, when you asked the WHY question

you're right, my logic is entirely flawed

Self-doubt isn't a bad thing, Gigi. And thinking "how can I make my child safer?" is not a bad thing either. Only you can decide if where you live is worse than letting Bilby see an abusive relationship is a normal one.

Hugs to you.

Gigi,
My mum has some major issues, is bipolar and some what self destructive.
I stopped speaking to her about 3 weeks before my wedding, and told her I didn't want her there. Cruel? maybe.
MY reasoning was I had spent all of my teen years, and early adult hood trying up help her and be there when she needed me. And so had my younger siblings.
BUT it finally dawned on me she didn't want to help herself, and wasn't going to change, so at what cost was my or my siblings happiness?
She didn't care so suddenly why the hell should I? There was more to it but you get the jist.

Don't dis credit the age your daughter is, in not wanting to tell or explain what abusive people are. Bilby probably has a 'different version' of what grandparents are in that the examples she's seen, are like what you know will be. ITMS?
Kids are smarter than we give them credit for and quickly work things out.

It sounds like you have unresolved issues relating to your mum, and if like me, feel slightly ripped off because the version of the mum you got isn't what is usually portrayed.
It's not fair to set an expectation on someone either, and sadly Bilby will be the one hurt if her 'version' isn't what it cracked up to be.
On the flip side if that, is your mum manipulative, to play the sweet grandma and shower Bilby with love, in which will bring up issues within you, as to why she wasn't like that to you. Bilby is at a very impressionable age, which can have long term effects if she is coaxed the wrong way.
Personally I think the risk is far bigger letting a grandma of that calibre into your lives, than just explaining that she wasn't a nice person to you and then tell Bilby that not all grandmas are like her friends ones etc.
Good luck, if you need to chat PM me!

Gigi-

I have no experience on this topic, but just wanted to drop in to let you know that you ARE doing a fabulous job.

I really admire your strength and courage.
Stop second guessing yourself.

Build your village in other ways.

:

---

So, Gigi, from what you say:

Your mother was abusive.
Your mother was unable to care for you when you were in a coma and could not be trusted even with your stuff.
Your mother would still abuse you if she could.
Your siblings will not help you.
Your mother makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to see her or have her bully you.
You don't want her to meet Bilby, you don't even want her to know Bilby exists.

Why, exactly, are you even considering reconnecting with her? Bilby really isn't missing out.

---

I kind of have to agree with this. I think you are using up a lot of energy debating this which you should redirect towards giving Bilby what she actually needs - some good role models to look up to, and a loving 'family' in whatever way that comes. If your mother is as you say, then I am not really sure why you are even considering it. Be honest with your daughter and just use words that she will understand. If your daughter is lonely, then the gap won't be filled by a violent grandmother. But it can be filled by adult friends that you love and trust.

Have you thought about "adopting" a grandmother for Bilby? A lonely woman down at the retirement village or nursing home? It might be all you need to fill the void to have that someone special for Bilby.

Are there BB members around you that you can meet? That way your story is somewhat known and you don't have the awkwardness/horror of having to explain your past and Bilby can play?

Many hugs to you. I don't think anything will be gained by getting Bilby to meet her grandmother. It will be sweet for a while but then as Bilby will naturally want to spend more time with her, I suspect from what you've posted that you will be the one painted in the unfair/negative light. Eventually Bilby will see for herself what her grandmother is about, should they meet. Is it worth subjecting her to that? Maybe time for a frank age-appropriate chat about why you don't see them.

My children have 2 grandparents - a paternal grandmother, who lives overseas; and a maternal grandfather, who is ravaged with disease, and if he wasn't, then probably wouldn't have any contact at all with him anyway due to past history. Even despite that, Charlotte has met him twice, Marley, well, he doesn't even know she is alive.

I do feel sad that the girls will miss out on the 'grandparent experience', mostly because I had such an amazing relationship with mine. My paternal grandparents lived with us for many years and helped raise us, and had a profound impact on my life. I am sorry my girls won't experience that unique relationship. I am angry that the one grandparent they had who could and would have been profound in their lives was stolen away by cancer, and I feel they have lost out.

But there is nothing I can do to change all that. I can't go back in time and make my grandfather *not* an ********. I can't undo the hurt and pain he caused and rebuild the family he broke with his lies and betrayl. I can't wish it away and I can't pretend it didn't happen. I CAN work through those issues and my response to that and how I deal with it in my life, and that has been invaluable to me.

I think Relationships Australia is a good place for you to start. You can find someone to talk to, it will be free for you, they are able to offer mediation services if you decide to go down that path also. But really the biggest bonus to you will being able to share some of these feelings and emotions you are experiencing, that you can't talk to other people about.

You are not inadequate.
You are not a failure.
You are enough.
You are an amazingly strong woman.
You are an inspiration.

Bilby will not miss out on having a grandparent unless you go out of your way to reinforce the idea that she is missing out on having grandparents. Yes, it is sad and upsetting that she doesn't have the relationship at the moment, but ultimately, if the only opportunity for that relationship existing presently is to introduce a toxic relation into the equation, then perhaps it is an experience that will be ruined for her anyway, iykwim.

Maybe this could be a great opportunity for you both to get out and build some new relationships and teach Bilby about giving back to her community. Is there a shelter or a soup kitchen anywhere near you? The Red Cross have a volunteers needed page on their website with all sorts of things you can get involved in. Your local community centre may also have things you can do. Often Hostels are happy to have you come visit with the residents.

We can't recreate our favourite childhood memories for our children, no matter how much we want to. Perhaps the hardest lesson we can learn as parents is that they will have their own memories, their own experiences and ultimately, their own story, that won't be anything like our own. :hug:

PS, DD1 isn't able to write fluent sentences yet, but she loves drawing pictures and things, and if Bilby would like a Pen Pal, I am certain Charlotte would love it too. :)

It sounds as though your reasons for stopping contact with your mother will still be there, and I worry that you will doubt yourself even more if your mother becomes a link in your life again. I second the suggestion to think about adopting a grandparent though. There are so many elderly people who are isolated and would love contact with a young family, just because they aren't blood doesn't mean this would be a less important relationship.

:

---

So, Gigi, from what you say:

Your mother was abusive.
Your mother was unable to care for you when you were in a coma and could not be trusted even with your stuff.
Your mother would still abuse you if she could.
Your siblings will not help you.
Your mother makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to see her or have her bully you.
You don't want her to meet Bilby, you don't even want her to know Bilby exists.

Why, exactly, are you even considering reconnecting with her? Bilby really isn't missing out.

---

Exactly that. I think it's a no brainer really (sorry for sounding uncaring) but I don't think your daughter is missing out on anything.

i have been searching for a "adopt a grandparent" scheme since i was pregnant, i found one in Victoria, but not one in my state. So i totally agree and am happy with a substitute grandma idea.

Limey, bilby cannot write yet, (only her name) but thanks for the penpal offer.

MRL, you are right on the money, i do feel ripped off, i know she made the decision, when i was six, to transfer the violence from herself to me. So her black eyes stopped, my bruises began. I miss having a positive mothering role model, i learnt what NOT to do to a child, but i feel lacking in what you DO DO for a child. Especially the being silly, having fun part of mothering. As i did not experience that. And as horrible as what happened to me was, when i went into labour and everything went wrong, i wanted my mum SO BAD. After bilby arrived, i wanted to show her to my mum SO BAD. I wanted to be able to show her photos to her grandma, instead of Facebook. I wanted her grandma to ooh and ahh over bilby reaching her milestones, making funny faces etc. Someone else to love her like i do.

i didn't have a kind loving grandma in my own childhood (1970's), but i did have two aunties who held family gatherings at their home eg birthday, xmas type events. The sense of belonging somewhere, wonderful food, getting to swim in a backyard pool with cousins, presents, hugs, knowing that every xmas you had somewhere to go, you would be missed if you weren't there and my own parents would act like Carol and Mike Brady, whilst at those events (somewhere i was safe). My own grandma was terrifying, physically and emotionally - so i totally get how my mum turned out to be how she is.

Growing up, i can see now, my family didn't have a network, people were kept away from the house, because they might see what no-one was meant to be seeing, stuff happening behind closed doors. Despite that history, i am replicating my parents, i'm not creating a network, for different reasons, but same outcome. Shame. Finding it so hard to trust other people, build relationships, feeling so different, too different to fit in.

i ran the "xmas day lunch for homeless people" idea a few years ago, was knocked back by charities who told me they had too many volunteers already, if i wanted that, i would have to put my name down very early in the year, to have a better chance of getting picked (which i keep forgetting to do - only seem to think of it round this time of year). Plus bilby's dad was dead against it, he said he didn't want bilby sitting next to homeless people, for her own safety.

Gigi, it is hard to trust others when you are taught not too. Be kind to yourself - sounds like you are giving Bilby a lot more than you are giving yourself credit for. xxxx

Remember bilby can still connect with your mum in her own way when she is older.

My grandma was a total cow and my mum limited contact. Sure I didn't understand it fully at the time, but I never noticed really. Then when I was getting married I decided to invite grandma. Old age had really mellowed her and I was glad to meet her again in that way. Sure I wished she was always loving and kind like that but I know she was mean to my mum and so I'm glad I didn't have to see that side of her (although I remember some pretty awful things from when I was really young).

Sorry for the ramble. I'm trying to point out that one day bilby will be an adult and can decide to have a relationship with your mum if she chooses, but in the meantime your job is to protect her especially when she is still so young and vulnerable