Raising Girls

I've had a challenging weekend with my Daughters. Its involved lots of tantrrums, tears, back-chatting, mischeviouness, attitutude and at time just down right naughtiness.

Needless to say, I was brought to tears of frustration a few times.

So this morning I've pulled out my copy of "Raising Girls" to see if there is any useful information in there to help me try to understand the phase my girls are going through at the moment. I honestly dont find the book that helpful, especially in understanding DD1. However, there were a few points which I read that got me thinking... such as...

* What more their father could do to maybe influence their behaviour.
* That maybe I'm not spending enough one on one time with DD1 (and DD2 aswell obviously however she is much more independent and less "needy" and emotional)
* Would a girl on school help?

I thought I'd create this thread for us to chat about what things we do to help raise our Daughters and just a general chat thread about raising girls.

I look forward to chatting with you all :)

I have 3 girls & would love some ideas :)

I have 1 daughter =) that I can tell is already a strong willed little thing =). but it is still early days for me yet, but would love to know what I'm up against in the future

My 3.5 yo DD is quite independent. I think I am more in need of a raising boys thread, as it is DS that I find the challenge.

I have a 10 1/2 year old girl entering puberty! I am soooo in!!! :lol:

Sara, I have that book but I have never read it. It's actually on my bedside table :lol:

So far things have been smooth sailing with both my girls. They are very different in so many ways but they manage to make that work for them.

When I decided to start working in childcare this year I thought I would be more comfortable with working with girls because it is what I know. Buy was I shocked to find out just how wrong I was. Seeing 2-5 year old girls interacting scared me a bit, how mean, rude, spiteful and unpleasent they can be, not only to their friends but to others and adults. I figured it out quickly that boys will hit and say silly words like PooPoohead to each other but girls will say mean things to each other.

This made me become very consious of the way I talked to my DD's and how I let them talk to each other.

DD1 is going through a cry for everything stage. She does not throw tantrums though. I at first would say don't be a cry baby and quickly stopped because I was bullying my own child:( Now I tell her that she needs to calm down, stop crying and talk to me properly, 95% of the time it works.

N2L - I brought the book a few years ago. At the time, I again didn't feel that it did much to help me. What I did pull from it was how important Father/Daughter relationships are. As a Mother/Woman who grew up never knowing her birth father and having quite nasty step-father, I always knew how important a positive Father role plays in a girls/womans life. I am truely dreading the prepubescent stages as DD1 is already a highly emotional child. Add hormones to the mix and its going to be a roller coaster ride for everyone.

DP is a great Dad really. He has his moments, as do I, and he's had the opportunity to really form a good relationship with our girls while I studied full time and he stayed home with the girls.

I think DD1's issues go further than that and today I have re-visited the idea of taking her to see a child psychologist. I'd be interested to hear other perspectives on this.

DD1 is having issues at school with her learning and development as well as her behaviour. Her school only has 17 kids in it and they are all in the same class. B is the only child in the school who has the issues that she does and I have often thought that because of this, her issues are highlighted which I believe had added to her already anxious personality.

She has recently started re-wetting the bed. I think she must have went around 6 months without wetting the bed then a few months ago started wetting the bed and wetting herself where she sat - be it on the lounge, the bed or on the floor. This to me is alarming behaviour but I can't really pinpoint what would trigger it other than the issues at school.

I'm another with a DD that is proving to be challenging. She's 18mo and oh so cute but why oh why must she have an opinion?!?!?!

My girls have the wrong age gap. Its a constant nightmare. DD1 bullies DD2 alot. Its not her & I've had enough. She's not a bully. She doesn't do it outside the house. Its just towards DD2. She refuses to do anything to help DD2 at all. Its constant bickering. 'She keeps looking at me'. Omg. And its all DD1.

But seeing that mention of dad's influence probably says the most to me.

My 5yo is a Drama Queen, we get a lot of attitude, door slamming, back chatting, tantrums etc... from her.

My 3yo is very stubborn & set in her own ways but every easy going & is the family clown.

My 1yo is just a bubbly happy baby so far, fx she stays that way.

You get there with lots of 'trials and errors'. Been there and come out the other end with I hope two balanced girls.

Here are a few things I used.
One thing I found was be as consistent as you can.

If they don't want to go somewhere and the rest of you go there then bad luck. They don't call the shots. You are the parent.
The 'house' rules applied for all until they finished school or got a job.
Keep and open channel for all communication, yes, sometimes you wanted to scream at the drivel and dramas but you could also read between the sentences
When the nasty talk starts amoungst their friends talk to them about it. How they feel etc. Does this type of talk help anyone?

Remember, what they hear and watch will influence their lives.
If they are asked to someones house, take them and introduce yourself to the parents.
Always know you will pick them up at any time of the night if they need. This happened a couple times and when asked if I was cross I could always honestly say 'no, I and not cross just tired'
I always tried to make afternoon tea a time of sitting and talking about their and my day.

I'm in - I have 2 girls who are also very different personality wise. Thankfully they currently get along and love love each other to bits because I don't know what I would do if I had to deal with anything more than their usual bickering!!

Me too, about to have two girls, 18 months apart. So the advice in here will be my bible lol.

I am in! My DD who is the youngest is extremely challenging. My DH is really struggling with her personality. Our boys were a breeze!

She is very independent, wants to help out ALL the time. It's usually her way or no way. She threw a tantrum when DH took her out the other day, that was it for him, the final straw. He refuses to take her out on his own again. She does not understand the concept of no even if I explain the consequence such as getting hurt if you stir the hot pot when I am not looking.
I can see some light I think, or perhaps I am just adjusting and getting used to her personality :lol:

My DD1 is 9 years old and prepubescent. She is currently exceptionally challenging and I am struggling to maintain my temper at times. The answering back drives me nuts!! this morning I copped a couple of eye rolls to go with the retorts.

DD2 is almost 2 and so far has been a pretty easy bub, but I see her beginning to assert her stubborn independence... just as DD1 did at this age!

I also have a boy in the middle... but that's for another thread!

I'm in too. DD is 5 years old and my oh my what a Drama queen with spunk I have here, LOL!!! She is an absolute cracker and I'm dreading teenage years already.

Me! I have 2 girls 3.5 and 1.5 yrs. So far so good really. They love each other so much and most of the time play nicely. They make me jealous, I always wanted a sister myself, lol.

I love raising girls but it also scares me! I worry about all the pressure little girls are under these days and self-esteem issues, etc. So I'm really trying to focus on giving them a positive body image from the start, i.e. I don't complain about my own appearance, I don't wear makeup all the time at home, I try not to tell them they look 'pretty' too much and instead comment on what they can do, etc, all that kind of stuff. Who knows if it will work but I'm trying! I saw a great quote by Kate Winslet the other day on FB which read

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"As a child I never heard one woman say to me 'I love my body'. Not my mother, my elder sister, my best friend. No one woman has ever said 'I am so proud of my body'. So I make sure to say it to Mia because a positive physical outlook has to start at an early age".

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Thought that was really great and I will make sure to tell my girls how amazing my body is and how it grew and fed them.

When I have difficult times with them and I'm getting really frustrated I have realised that it's usually me :( I'm trying to rush them, or I'm not paying enough attention, I'm busy cleaning the kitchen or something, I'm not listening to what they're really saying. So I'm trying to work on that. Just slowing down and letting them experience life without rushing them through it because I've got stuff that needs to be done. Really, it can wait! I will only get this time once. If they want to help with the washing it might take twice as long but they are learning and having fun so I just need to chill, lol.

So I don't really have any useful advice yet because mine are only little but looking forward to what everyone else has to say!

I have three - 5.5, 4.5 and 4 months. So far the 4 month old is a piece of cake ;-)

My eldest two are chalk and cheese - #1 is generally a sunny, happy, chatty, self assured little girl but we're certainly having our moments with wilfulness, stubbornness and just plain pain-in-the-arseness. #2 is a complete introvert, has severe anxiety but is actually a very confident little person while in her comfort zone. Both have been "diagnosed" as gifted and while I'm very pleased to have intelligent children, I think that will bring with it problems of its own. Generally they are great together but obviously they have their moments. School is bringing new challenges in terms of their exposure to other kids whose behaviour is what we accept in our house, but I guess that's only going to get harder as they get older.

I too worry about the pressure placed on girls, so we're also working hard on not instilling negative/dangerous thoughts into their everyday lives. I'm especially worried because my DH's family (three sisters, M&D) have very unhealthy views - as far as they're concerned skinny=beautiful and they are constantly making remarks to their own kids (all boys) about weight, as well as being obsessively skinny themselves. They've also tried to have conversations around my kids about which of my girls is prettier!! It makes it very hard to instill in them a healthy, positive acceptance of their own bodies however they may be.

Our biggest challenges at the moment are definitely me having enough one on one time with DDs 1 and 2. DD3 takes so much time obviously at the moment, but I'm hoping that will change soonish when she starts solids. I miss my big girls. They're bright, funny, sweet little people

2 girls 15mths apart.

4yr old miss know it all, attitude of an 18yr old who CAN be the most sensitive child on earth.

2.5yr old going through the i will sook at anything and anyone stage :wall:

I'm in.

[QUOTE=Heaven;3219810]
When I have difficult times with them and I'm getting really frustrated I have realised that it's usually me :( I'm trying to rush them, or I'm not paying enough attention, I'm busy cleaning the kitchen or something, I'm not listening to what they're really saying. So I'm trying to work on that. Just slowing down and letting them experience life without rushing them through it because I've got stuff that needs to be done. Really, it can wait! I will only get this time once. If they want to help with the washing it might take twice as long but they are learning and having fun so I just need to chill, lol. QUOTE]

Heaven that is me to a "T", i am trying that approach now. I do get frustrated easily because i am in such a hurry to get things done, so i can move onto the next thing, and half the time DD1 and DD2 are at my ankles wanting to help. I guess i got to learn to take it slower and let them help, soon enough they won't be wanting to help me with the washing or folding LOL. I hope now that uni is almost over i will have more patience too :)


I am so in on this thread too, not that i have any advice to give just yet :lol:

DD1 - is 4 in a few days, she is our princess, high maintenance, and stubborn. She is getting a slight attitude lately, and cries at the drop of a hat!
DD2 - is 2 in a month, she is our "sporty" one, easy going, so funny, yet also stubborn.

I think my biggest problem is going to be with DH and the girls when they are older, as it is now when DD1 is cranky with DH she will turn around and say "I'm not your best friend anymore" to which DH will respond "Well i am not your best friend either" :rolleyes: which really does not help the situation

:lol: DD3 likes to help too. By throwing everything on the floor as I fold it. Or splashing the washing water everywhere.

Each one of my girls is a handful in their own ways. Honestly don't know which is more enjoyable. DD1's pre teen attitude, DD2's over the top winging & whining, or DD3's cheeky tornado side! Poor DS :lol:

I'm in, pretty early days here as DD is only 3 months but I will be very interested to watch and observe for now

My Mum had myself and 2 boys, she said the boys were far easier to raise :D - I was A LOT more emotional than the boys hehehehehe

I'm in too.

My girls are very different. DD1 is very outgoing, very active and a complete tomboy. She climbs trees taller than the house and we've decided we need to harness her talent and take her to a rock climbing wall. She couldn't really give two hoots about what she looks like and used to describe things as being "nice and dirty". She talks all the time and getting out the door is a constant battle as she's oh, so easily distracted. I took her shoe shopping the other day and after trying one pair on she got bored and started doing headstands. Which SHOULD all mean that she'll cope very well with life. BUT, I've seen smatterings of girls being *****y to her and I'm not sure how she'll go with that. I got a bit tearful when I saw it one day and it wasn't even that bad. Hopefully, she'll hold her head up high and not buy into it.

DD2, on the other hand, is much quieter, wouldn't say boo to a goose, would cuddle for hours if you let her and thinks about things far too much.

We joke that DD1 will own a wrecking yard and be in the pub by 2pm each day and DD2 will go through the rubble for valuables, plot them in a database and constantly try to drag DD1 out of the pub for drinking all the profits.

So far, I've been trying to make sure I make a concerted effort to spend one-on-one time with DD1. We have regular special movie nights and I've taken her for a couple of weekends away, just the two of us. I also find that bedtime is a good time to have chats about her behaviour. She's pretty good these days but used to throw a huge amount of tanties.

Both girls spend a lot of time with DP. In DD1's case, this can be a double-edged sword. He's from a family of four boys where riling each other up was normal. I try to tell him to stop doing that with DD1, I think it's slowly started sinking in. They're just very, very similar and they sometimes rub each other up the wrong way.

DD2 is much more like me so I'm more confident I'll be able to guide her along life's great journey :)

My DD is 6 going on 16..... She thinks she runs the place, so we often clash! But then she is surrounded by boys (1 older, 2 younger)
So I'm definitely watching this thread.

Have thought about buying the book, well both the 'Raising Girls' and 'Raising Boys' books actually.

:

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When I have difficult times with them and I'm getting really frustrated I have realised that it's usually me :( I'm trying to rush them, or I'm not paying enough attention, I'm busy cleaning the kitchen or something, I'm not listening to what they're really saying. So I'm trying to work on that. Just slowing down and letting them experience life without rushing them through it because I've got stuff that needs to be done. Really, it can wait! I will only get this time once. If they want to help with the washing it might take twice as long but they are learning and having fun so I just need to chill, lol.

So I don't really have any useful advice yet because mine are only little but looking forward to what everyone else has to say!

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This is me too. I have this problem even with my boy. It is so frustrating when you are trying to get things ready to go out for something fun and they won't co-operate. I try as much as I can to get things ready the night before but sometimes by the time the kids are in bed, I just want to crash myself :(

DD is a struggle at the moment as she has very definate ideas of what she wants but as she's only 18mo, she can't express it well. And she doesn't take it well when I say no. Then when I say yes, she changes her mind :wall:. Pretty typical toddler behaviour I think but it drives me batty.

I'm in too, but only have a little queen (13mo) in the house. Her personality is showing. Very strong willed and opinionated. Can see an interesting road ahead.

I'm in. I've only got the one little girl just going on three months so I'm hoping to learn a lot about what I can look forward to (or not :P) in the future.

I was an only girl growing up. I think I was a pretty easy child overall but I'm sure I definitely had my unbearable phases

I'm in as well...

Miss just turned 3 (but going on 13) is full of attitude, back chat, foot stamping, door slaming and has an answer for everything...

I think raising her brothers will be easier as boys are more about physicality but girls are more about mental torment, even now at Playgroup the interaction between the girls is so 'clicky' it is unbelievable to see how they play together...

I'm in too! DD is 2.25 years and I'm currently nearly 22 weeks pg - Sara and I are Belly Buddies ;)
She is very strong willed and becoming quite the negotiator. She can also be quite sensitive at times. I am trying to work on my shortened patience (being pg doesn't help with this!!) and letting her have some independence. Phew it's a challenge!!!

yay. A couple of threads that couldn't have come at a better time for me. Great idea Sara.

I have 2 ends of a spectrum.
Miss 6.5....I have been totally re-evaluating my parenting lately. She is a precious, caring, imaginative, strong, fit, exceptionally bright little girl. Outwardly she doesn't give two hoots about what anyone thinks, but inwardly she's a ball of anxiety and self-consciousness. She's also the angriest kid at times I have ever seen.
Last week her teacher (whom she loves) asked me if she had been different at home. She's been on the 'blue spot' twice in the week. Never before had she given anyone any grief. She's full of 'no', bullying and yelling. Ready to cry some days.

Miss 8.5months. She is a chilled out, happy little poppet who thinks the sun shines from her brother and sister. It would appear she's going to be a 'take no prisoners' kind of kid. I guess being number 3 teaches you that. She lets them know when she's not pleased with them....usually a roar, followed by a big grin lol.

Heaven I think I'm going to print out your post and put it on my mirror. It said exactly what I need to remember.

Body image is another one I worry about. I've tried really hard not to let them hear me whinging about dieting or losing weight. I take them to the gym regularly with me to let them see other mummies doing the same thing, I have them involved in sports we play outside and physically with them and provide wholesome, healthy food. I want them to know about great body image. DD1 is so so tall. She's already formed perception of body in her mind I think.

Right now I'm working on positives. Working on our relationship. Working on her seeing how great she is.
She's so independent and I need to remember that she's still just a little girl.

Interesting the bit about dad's and their daughters. My dad was awesome. He made me believe I could do anything I wanted. I believe that too.

Regarding body image, I am finding some of the girls at DD's school are having a very negative influence. She weighs around 30kgs and is around 150cm and she has been called "fat" by bullies :(

It seems it is a throw away line designed to hurt.

She has not one ounce of fat on her. It makes me sooooooo angry.

That's so scary at your DD's age N2L. The poor love. Is she ok with it or does it really get to her? I know I'm old and times have changed, but we never used to take any notice of girls' sizes at her age and a whole heap older.

It gets to her :(

I have spent her whole life trying to build a positive body image, but comments from peers can undo your good work very quickly.

Poor baby. I think this issue and sex are by far my single biggest worries when it comes to having girls.

I agree lulu

Its not only that N2L. The other kids body images don't help. Having other kids who've heard their mums/friends go on about weight isn't helpful & hard to avoid. Or the friend that comments on another kid being 'fat' & then kids start to worry about getting fat.

DD1 is always calling DD2 fat. She's not. She's just as skinny as DD1 but she has a different shape. It drives me nuts :( They are both confident in themselves for now. But DD2 is very sensitive & over thinks alot. I worry about her. DD1 is quite happy within herself & her body. And considering the number of people who used to stop us in public to tell us how gorgeous she was, I'm sure it'll last a life time :rolleyes:

I do not call myself fat. I'm not & even though I'm not happy with my body I'll never use those words around them. When I go for walks, or do some exercise, I don't say anything about losing weight, its about being healthy. They have very happy, self confident women all around them who are all shapes & sizes. So I think thats a good influence.

I hope they can see what I've done & am doing for them & appreciate it. I know they don't really understand yet, but hopefully one day they will & they'll do the same if they ever need too.

The things that worry me the most are youth suicide, cyber bullying, getting in a car with a drunk yob, drug/alcohol addiction.

N2l, I agree on your list of worries. Getting into a car with someone alcohol/ drug affected and drug addiction and youth suicide my biggest fears. My dd is 10 also and those things don't seem so far away.

Thats something I talk about with my kids too. Drink driving. They are NOT to get in a car with someone who's been drinking. I think I may have said one or 2 is ok, but preferably none. And that if they can't get home from where ever beacuse there isn't a sober driver, to ring me. Anywhere, any time. No questions. And peer pressure to try drugs. I avoided giving in to that sort of thing & I hope they can too. I haven't started talking about drugs yet though, because thats not something I do, so its not something in their world yet for me to talk about. If it comes up, I'll talk about it. If it doesn't, I'll wait til they're a bit older & have heard about it to start talking about it.

Cyber bullying I haven't really thought about yet. We haven't entered the world of facebook or anything like that yet. But it is something that won't be done without me right there, knowing everything. DD1 tells me more than I ever told my mum, so I hope that keeps up.

My biggest fear is them ending up in a relationship like ours was. And my DS being on of those men.

I talk. I don't stop. My mum didn't tell me much about the ways of the world. My mums attitude was always that if a woman got hit she did something to deserve it. Learn to clean properly if you want to keep your man happy. I partly blame mum & dad for me staying in my relationship as long as I did.

Having 3 girls really scares me. But hopefully, a good relationship with them & education about the real world (with in reason) is going to be good enough.

Do you think your fears (and I say "your" to everyone, not N2L's specifically) are a reflection of your own experiences? I think mine are and I wonder if I have a balanced view, or if what I think the girls need to learn will be too coloured by those experiences IYKWIM