Have you forgiven your high school bullies?

OR are you a high school bully that has sought for forgivness?

Ive just recently been contacted via FB by a girl that bullied me all the way through highschool. Her and her friends always called me names, laughed at me whenever i walked past, threw sticky things in my hair, reminded me daily how fat i was (i was a size 10 they were a size 6-8) the list goes on.
I had to see numerous counsellors and was taking ADs at a young age due to all this going on.

She simply inboxed me and said 'Hey, havnt seen you since you left highschool how are you?'

I havnt replied as yet, I have absolutely nothing nice to say to her - I honestly dont think i could ever forgiver her for what happened in highschool.

Have you ever been in a similar situation?

I haven't personally but TBH I would be as polite as possible and maybe let her know how she treated you and how horrible it was.

Maybe she's grown up and can apologise for her horrible behavior!

kind of yeah, not quite as severe as you but I told them I had nothing to say to them and didn't want anything to do with them for what they said and did.

I havent been contacted by them. And Im not sure Ive forgiven them. But I dont resent them. They were young, I have told myself that they have more than likely learnt that behaviour is not acceptable and are not the same as they were at school. I know Im not. It helped to let go of the anger towards them.

I saw my bullies at my school reunion (for the school I was briefly at and got bullied quite a bit). I got to see how much the same their lives were (as in how similar they were now to the way they were in high school, they'd not travelled, they had all aged horribly, they still behaved the same way). I looked at them content in how much more awesome my life has been compared to theirs. That was enough for me, I didn't need to put any daemons to rest, I walked out of there with my head held high.

Personally I don't know what I'd do in your situation, you have a variety of options, from ignoring & blocking her; to replying stating that you are fantastic & have an amazing life and then not bothering with her ever again; and anything in between.

wow, i am surprised that they contacted you! thankfully no one has bothered me. i see some of the bullies on some school friends lists and although i largely forgive them, it is only from afar.

Interesting I'm not sure what I'd say probably nothing bad but I would be hesitant I think and also wonder why they were contacting me I don't hold any grudges against my bullies as even thorough it was bad I also had good friends as well

I wasn't a very nice person in high school and am ashamed of how I treated some people.

About 4-5 years ago when FB and my space were around, I did contact the people in question and apologised to them. I told them how sorry I was and how ashamed of my behaviour i was. I also told them i didn't expect to hear back from them and would completely understand if they chose not to contact me back or even try to forgive me. All replied and thanked me for seeking them out and apologising and said that they had moved on and held no malice towards a immature high school girl but the fact I still remembered and was remorseful meant alot.

I hate how I was in high school but I also now understand why I was that way. My primary school years were a nightmare and I was bullied beyond belief, thrown rocks at and threatened on a daily basis. When the school failed to intervene my parents changed my school and once i got to the new school I put up a boundary and that boundary was unfort being a bully, I didn't understand that then but I did realise eventually. Its not a excuse I know that.

Funnily enough the people (one year older then me) who made my life a living night mare in primary school have since come into contact with me through friends and i have pulled them up on it and they don't even remember how they treated me. These girls cornered me in toilets, circled me and threw rocks at me, told my little sister they were going to pull her arms and legs off and leave her to die on the path (she was 5). They stole my food and items out of my bag, poured water on me during a school camp. Year 6 was the worst year of my life and they either dont want to admit what they did or dont really remember.

I was never really bullied but picked on quite a bit. A group of girls made high school really hard. A few boys picked on me for having no boobs and called me frigid. But the worst bullying i got was in year 11, i moved on to college and i had let slip to a male friend what things i had done in the bedroom with DP and he spread it around the school and i was called a **** on a daily basis, one girl wanted to bash me over it called me filthy, she would call me names whenever she saw me. They found where i lived (on the same street as the school) and spray painted **** on my drive way. Boys would sit outside my house beeping their horns. They got hold of my email address and back then MSN was huge and one added me as he heard that i was 'well known' for sleeping around. It was quite intense and put a strain on my relationship and friendships broke down. I ended up dropping out.

The girl who bullied me came into my work on new years day 2010, i thought 'here we go she will recognise me and say something' well she did but asked how i was, what i was doing with my life besides working where i was and was genuinely happy to hear i was pregnant. I see her around often and she is now a junkie leading a life of crime so makes me think maybe there was a reason why she treated me the way she did.

I don't know if i have forgiven or just forgotten about it.

In your case Muffy, i think telling her what she did to you may make you feel better (if you still hold grudges) Otherwise maybe hitting that 'block' button will be enough.

I was bullied in primary school years 5-7. If I got a message like that from one of those girls (highly unlikely) I would probably send a message back along the lines of "I'm fantastic and have an awesome life. There's a good reason I haven't seen you since then. It because I choose not to associate with people who have been negative influences on my life." then delete their message and block them. I did something similar when an ex tried to add me on FB except I had forgiven him so I said so, but didn't add him as a friend as "the past is best left in the past". His message was deleted, his friend request ignored and sometime later I got around to blocking him to remove any temptation he might have to spy.

I was floored when contacted by a person who never gave me time of day at school to attend our school reunion.

I declined.

It seems quite ironic that the ones who organised and went to the reunion were the ones who were the bullies (aka the "popular" ones). They did the ringing around to us less popular people who were picked on and vilified throughout highschool. It seems to me that they are still trying to put themselves forward and appear above everyone else, either that or their lives are completely crappy....

I for one didn't go. I had nothing to prove. Nothing to say. I have a wonderful life and I didn't feel the need to pretend that highschool with them was a highlight in my life. You might be popular in highschool but the real world isn't highschool.

I would reply with something like It's been that long? Oh, and I was trying my hardest to stay in touch with people who made my life a living hell in highschool ;)

I don't see it as something that requires forgiving. I have spent my energy making myself more awesome than them, rather than remembering what they said or did.

I'm with Audax.

Some have messaged me and I've ignored it. Some have tried to add me as a friend and I've ignored that as well.

High school was so long ago and such a small part of my life that I've decided not to waste any time or effort going back over it.

i had to work alongside one of my highschool bullies for a very large portion of this year, and in the same workplace as her off and on for the past 9 or so years. i would never think her a friend, but i don't hold a grudge - actually, i CAN'T hold a grudge - it's unhealthy for ME to hold onto it. so i had to let it go. i'm glad she is now on extended leave though...

i actually feel bad for her to be honest - so many times she has said things and i've just thought "you never changed, did you?"...

I love my high school bully. She has grown and changed so much and she cracks me up regularly.
Then again our version of bullying was obviously far tamer than other people's. Maybe if she had done the kind of stuff the really mean bullies did I wouldn't like her.

Thanks for the replies :)

From reading your posts i think ive realised why I feel like this - I havnt actually gotten over the things that happened.
Those girls made my life a living hell which played a huge part in me turning out the way I have and i honestly hate them for that.

Think im just going to leave it. Im not ready to do this just yet :(

I got picked on badly from grade 3 though to year 12.

A few kids (from primary school) have said they're sorry. the where *kids* but highschool. i had one say she was sorry for following the "leader of the pack" and i told her i was ok with what had happened between her and I. the rest, i will always carry a grudge for. they screwed me up down and around and i see it as they where young adults, fully aweare of what they where doing and they made choices to carry on and conduct themselfs as they did.
The main one towards the end i know she's now doing her thing, but the fact she felt the need to pull me down because i had (in esseance) what she wanted (older boyfriend) makes me realise shes the type to bring you down so she can feel better, i dont need that.
Same as tafe, one girl used to bullly me until i spun it around and spat it back at her. am i proud of it? no. but i wasnt willing to suck it up and if she asked me so say sorry or baught me up on it, i'd then be bringing up what she did too.

But in short, unless they say they're sorry for their actions i'd ignore them and any attempt of contact from here on in.

I was bullied at school and even the people I would hang out with I didn't feel like real friends to the point I couldn't wait for year 12 to end. I went to my high school 10 year reunion and talked to some people but still fely very uneasy and uncomfortable around a lot and had nothing in common with most.. From growing up in small country towns was interesting to see how many were still in the same small towns and many had not been to uni and just worked where ever they could (not that I have a problem with people working in any jobs) but I did feel proud that I had moved away to go to uni and completed my nursing and then moved away and worked. I had since then finished my Mid and got married.

Some have changed some have not. A few that were in the "pretty" group I actually speak to now on FB but were not the mean girls just quiet followers IYKWIM.

Well i have to say i was both....i was bullied extremly bad by some in high school. BUT i also picked on a few. By picked on i mean i never threw things or things like that. But theres one girl whom was my friend yet at times i wasnt the nicest person to her petty school kid things not so much bulling but enough for me to feel bad now.She connected with me on fb and one of the first things i did was apologise to her. Yes i was a child but after growing up i felt so bad for my actions and she was so happy for me to say sorry. To me it was the right thing to do. But im sure if i had of been a bully bully she wouldnt have added me.

I was picked on at school. And TBH, I haven't thought of the people who did it for a few years until this thread. They're forgiven. It's part of growing up and I was odd, so my sharp corners rubbed against their sharp corners in a bad way. Not had friend requests from them - they probably wouldn't want to be my friend, we were very different people then and probably still are today.

I would hate to think of them eaten up with guilt for what they did - I would have liked it 10 years ago, but no. It's not worth it. I just hope if they do feel bad they invest in their own children so it doesn't create a cycle.

This is interesting as Im looking at moving back to an area I grew up in and am bound to come across people I went to school with. Ones who picked on me, ones I picked on, friends and people u just don't get on with.
So this topic has been on my mind :)

I would be polite I think but ask why do you want to "friend" me when you where far from friendly at school.

I will work in forgiving my bullies and hope those I picked on will forgive me.

I wasn't really bullied. But there was a lot of *****iness towards me, mainly from older girls.

I don't think about them often. I changed schools at 16 & moved away at 17, so on the rare occasion I see them, I generally ignore them. If for some reason we some how started a conversation I would be polite & ask how they've been & go from there.

I don't really hold grudges unless a person crossed me in a major way. There are maybe 3 people in my life that I won't accept on facebook & 2 of them have asked. They know very well where they stand. I have no interest in having a conversation with either of them no matter the circumstances. But those two were close friends at one point. So its harder when its a closer relationship. People you only saw at school & who were never big parts of your life are easy to forget about.

No..... I just can't!

Like you I struggled and I was depressed, I feared school I feared home (they would torment me by throwing rocks if they knew I was alone).

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words and actions are with me always.

Wow. I cann't believe how many people have been bullied. That's so sad. :(
I have never been bullied, nor have I bullied others. I had a couple of close friends in school who were bullied badly, and I would step in whenever I was around anyone I saw getting bullied, even if I didn't particularly like the victim myself. The saddest bit is that bullies tend to pick their victims well, being those people least able to stand up for themselves and most easily traumatized by the victimization. And a lot of them continue that pattern of behaviour into adulthood too.

I've forgiven some, but not others... Some of the ones that bullied me were going through hard times, like parents divorcing, new step parents coming on the scene, weren't doing so well at school etc, and I was seen as a teachers pet, my family was stable and I was probably an easy target because I was pretty passive.

The ones that tormented me though (mainly boys), for example one that came up behind me on the school oval one lunch time and pulled my pants down in front of the whole school, and a boy who stole a scalpel from the science lab and cut my hand with it (our teacher made him sit next to me because he was naughty!), I don't think I could forgive as easily. Not saying its not possible... The first boy had a very ill mother, she was dying of motor neurone disease or something similar at the time and his father had left them, but he was a really popular boy that I had nothing to do with, and what he did distressed me so much...

I guess it's a case by case thing, I'd like to think that they are ashamed of what they did, I'm harmless and was no threat to them, I stayed out of their way and mostly kept to myself at school! It can be horrible to relive that sort of stuff when you see them or they find you on Facebook and things like that...

It's interesting to see this post as I have been thinking this recently too. I was horribly bullied in primary school which dragged through to high school. Among other things, I was beaten, teased, they glued my school books together, broke my things, threw my school bag in the bin every other day, called me names that even today hurt to even hear - such as the word 'Heifer' - invited me to parties where they had planned to do cruel things to me but thankfully I always declined, even a teacher was in on it as it was a small school in a small community and they were all friends. It made my school grades go from doing the work of those 2 grades above me to slipping into the worst grades and never catching up as I had the bullying teacher for 3 years in a row.
My 20 yr reunion is coming up next year and I'm still unsure if I'll go. I have some amazing friends that I would love to catch up with, but who need a high school reunion for that, right? That way I don't need to see their smug little b*tchy faces again. Will I ever forgive them? No way. Some people are just mean little girls who grow up to be nasty, horrible women. In their case, they never grew up. 2 of them are extremely successful, to the point that I will never buy anything that one of them tries to sell based on what she's done to me in my life. Maybe it's not great to hold grudges but I know I'll never forgive them. If they contacted me via FB I would instantly block them.

It's interesting that this thread has popped up again. One of the main reason I was considering a private school for my DS for primary was because I was bullied in primary school myself at a public school. Logically I know it could happen anywhere at any grade. I am seriously considering changing DS's school at year 5 simply to avoid the sort of scum that bullied me at that time. We have decided on the local public school because it has a really good rep but I won't hesitate to change schools at the first hint of bullying. I have agreed with DH to reassess the situation based on how DS is going trying to remove my own personal history from the equation. I thought I had forgiven my bullies but I really don't think I have. I would be very happy to discover they were all unhappy losers in the most spiteful way :(. I don't like feeling like that but I'm not really sure how to forgive them now.

The best thing about getting married was getting to change my last name on Facebook. Obviously my real friends could still find me but people from high school who I didn't talk to then didn't try and add me as a friend.

I was severely bullied at school. I have no reason or want to contact or be contacted by the bullies. My school days are days that I wish were wiped from my memory, as there is very little I want to remember. Its taken me 10yrs to come to terms with my schooling environment, experience, and Im still working on it, daily.
To be honest I would just ignore the message if it were me. I dont want to go back into the past.

But I do worry about bullying in school next year for DD1, actually I worry about it still in day to day adult life.

I too like a previous poster, was contacted by a girl who never gave me the time of day regarding a school reunion. Why would I want to spend my time with someone who treated me like something stuck to her shoe at school? Ugh school, hate thinking about those years, lots of unpleasant memories.
Have I forgiven them, yeah, I guess so, we were all stupid back then and didn't really know better. When you know better, you do better. I also said things to people I regret.