The fear in their eyes.

This may come across as judgemental but it is spilling over from an incident involving DD2 (2yrs) and her cousin 5yrs on the weekend.

Over the last week I have noticed quite a few children been smacked by their parents while I have been out. I can't get the image of the fear these children show out of my mind. The one I saw today actually made me really upset while I was grocery shopping and all I wanted to do was go and hug this little girl. She was following her mum down the isle, sort of dancing/twirling, in no ones way. The mother stopped to get something off the shelf and the little girl was doing a leap type move and when the mum moved the trolly again it hit the girls leg. The mum yelled at her and this girl cringed because she knew what was coming, you could see it in her face. Her mum slapped her hard on the arm and the girl stood there whimpering while the mum yelled at her some more. Then walked off, the little girl followed slowly holding herself.

Now I know I have no idea about this women/girls life and what could be going on but it does not matter to me because I don't agree with smacking under any circumstance.

It just makes me sad and I would love nothing better to walk up to someone after they hit a child and say 'you did something I don't like just now, how about I smack you for it and see how you like it?' but I know that is so wrong and no better then the one doing the hitting in the first place.

This has just been a vent I needed to get off my chest. Thanks for listening.

DH and I were talking about this the other day. He was beaten with kitchen utensils as a child. I told him if he ever did that to our son I'd smack him with the cricket bat when he's naughty and leaves his dirty jocks on the bathroom floor.

I know how you feel.. but what can you do? It sickens me when kids stick out their hand ready for the smack :o

Yep, know how you feel. I've never seen a child smacked in our town but I heard a woman this morning telling her child to "shut up, just shut up," in a really nasty tone. Mad me sad.

At playgroup I've seen a woman kick her son. He was doing something (and he's was only like 18mos) and she yelled and yelled and then kicked him on the bum.
Made me feel sick.

I was raised that way by my parents so it is an automatic reaction I need to keep in check I only did it once and never again I was so scared from the look in his eyes and the anger I felt that I cried for the rest of the day now I give him two warnings by saying his name and stop firmly but he usually cheeky and smiles and continues so I put him in his play pen or move him to another area away from the issue

I too was raised in a way where I got a smack on the bottom (usually hand, sometimes wooden spoon) as a young child when I did something wrong. I don't remember it happening as much with my brother or sister though (not sure if my parents changed their parenting style or I don't remember it cause it wasn't happening to me). I don't feel like it negatively effected me emotionally in the long term or anything, however, I've found myself having to stop myself a few times from smacking DD as it seems to be an almost in-built knee-jerk reaction to me. I understand that people have the right to parent their kids how they like, but it's not what I want for my family.

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Yep, know how you feel. I've never seen a child smacked in our town but I heard a woman this morning telling her child to "shut up, just shut up," in a really nasty tone. Mad me sad.

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I really hate people saying shut up. No one ever said it to me at home & I still remember the first time someone did say it to me (I was 8). A couple of weeks ago I took DS to see the wiggles. He was having a bit of a whinge coming home on the train (the doors were about to close so I dragged him in & he was annoyed he hadn't got to do it himself). The train was really quiet & he was starting to wind down, I'd told him I understood but it was for his own safety & was just letting it tail off - an older lady got on the train & then told him to "shhh, shut up" in a really nasty tone. He actually hid behind me & wouldn't come out till I told him she'd got off. That was almost 3 weeks ago & he still mentions the nasty man (:lol:) on the train that told him to shut up. I don't think people realise how much their actions/words impact on little children.

Omg! somebody told your kid to shut up?! wow! I woulda had a spak at her.
We all have off days but in no way is using that language with somebody else's child ok.
I had told my kids to shut up on the odd occasion but cringed afterwards.

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I really hate people saying shut up. No one ever said it to me at home & I still remember the first time someone did say it to me (I was 8). A couple of weeks ago I took DS to see the wiggles. He was having a bit of a whinge coming home on the train (the doors were about to close so I dragged him in & he was annoyed he hadn't got to do it himself). The train was really quiet & he was starting to wind down, I'd told him I understood but it was for his own safety & was just letting it tail off - an older lady got on the train & then told him to "shhh, shut up" in a really nasty tone. He actually hid behind me & wouldn't come out till I told him she'd got off. That was almost 3 weeks ago & he still mentions the nasty man (:lol:) on the train that told him to shut up. I don't think people realise how much their actions/words impact on little children.

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A stranger said that to your child?!? After you were handling it?!?

Ugh some people!

Sorry I should rephrase that...

Regardless if you were handling it or not, no one has the right to say that to a child.
It's like some people think they're sub human...

Like talking bad about a child in front of them like they don't exist. Pet peeve of mine...

I was furious. I said how dare she be so nasty and that he is only 3. There were lots of other things I almost said but I was so aware of ds watching and that I was showing him how to deal with a situation. Normally I would have told her to...move to another carriage ;)

I hate it when people tell kids (or other adults) to shut up its mean and rude I don't like it when people say it to me either so I don't think it's teaching kids how to deal with people politely because then they say shut up

i was beaten with belts and pieces of wood and open hand, whatever my parent had to hand really, i'm talking beatings that were so severe - well i won't go into detail - i am so relieved not to be passing that onto my child. But seeing kids being smacked at the shops, it's like a trigger, it really upsets me too.

I rang the police just recently when some druggies on my corner were neglecting the children in their company (presumably their kids) whilst scoring/getting wasted etc (at 1am). The baby was crying, the older kid (bilby's age) was being ratbaggy, no more than you would expect from a poor kid who would rather be tucked up in bed at 1am, rather than being on a surburban street corner - the way they were being screamed at - just broke my heart. I hear kids around here being referred to as "F....face", as in, normal conversation, "come here f....face". Violence comes in many guises. I will continue to say "come here darling" to bilby, i want her to grow up feeling loved. Words are not only words, they are central to a child's sense of worth. She saw a little child being smacked and being screamed at, when she was four, left a huge impact on her. The toddler's "crime" was not being able to walk as fast as the parent and teenage siblings.

you're so right Kazzo. Do it to another adult - you're arrested for assault. Do it to your child - supposedly it's ok because they're your child. Makes no sense at all, sends a message to kids, that they don't matter.

Some of these stories i am finding rather upsetting :(

To be honest I've heard alot worse verbal abuse that breaks the child's spirit than I've seen smacking. I cringe at the way parents/adults speak to children at times, and if they are saying these things in public, what's happening behind closed doors.

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To be honest I've heard alot worse verbal abuse that breaks the child's spirit than I've seen smacking. I cringe at the way parents/adults speak to children at times, and if they are saying these things in public, what's happening behind closed doors.

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totally agree.

IMHO there's a fine line between discipline and abuse.
Yes you may not know what goes on behind the four walls,
Yes I find it horrible when I have seen kids cringe at bring yelled or threatened with a smack.
But I still think a strong verbal tone - not swearing - then if not reacting a smack on the hand or bottom can be effective.
I also was 'smacked' as a kid, usually only when I'd done something actually naughty, most of the time my parents did the 1 - I'm asking, 2 in telling, 3 time out/smack depending on situation thing - it seemed to have worked, because I can remember doing the wrong thing very clearly and getting smacked for it.
I don't consider this abuse. I don't remember the pain but I clearly remember the why I got it.

Another angle of abuse is silent treatment, and ignoring the child being rude, naughty or violent also.
I know of a grown adult who works in a corporate environment but had to go for counseling to overcome how to deal with conflict, as he had never heard his parents yell at him, or gave him 'rules' when he was young. Granted he grew up a great person, not in any trouble with law/drugs/alcohol, in fact became a Dr (academic) but still baffled when people have a difference of opinion or argue, and still gets anxious.
I have seen kids hit kick/smack/make the parent bleed, for the parent to do nothing but embarrassingly give a wry smile and give an excuse that their child is tired/age or being cheeky. Teaching children abuse is wrong, is right, and if this means sometimes shocking them a tad with a stern No please do not do that, and a smack on the hand, it usually resonates.

This is not to cause debate, just a different opinion.

I don't think this thread is about comparing types of parenting that hurts in order to justify smacking. This thread is about how the OP feels about smacking.

There are of course many ways to hurt or break children, ignoring, screaming, hurtful words etc. and none of them ok. But this is about smacking.

Thanks Rouge I got that it was a thread expressed about OP's feelings, but it is on public forum, where different opinions are allowed to be voiced.
My reply was also about smacking but also trying to look at the different angles, because as we know in life, things are not always what they seem.
So again I don't support or agree with abuse, but some people on here or IRL, may agree that sometimes smacking is ok.
And again I'm not trying to create a debate, just voicing my opinion.

Well given this is the gentle parenting section, I'd say that your pro-smacking posts are better suited to the other parenting sections on BellyBelly.

Again apologies as when on iPhones you can't see what section it's posted in.
I understand your role as a moderator, but you also could use some less harsh ways to let people know if their opinions are not valid. The way in which you write your words comes across as attacking.
Again sorry for high jacking your thread Kazzo

Sorry. Didn't mean to be attacking. Must be early morning lack of tact. No excuse. My apologies.

And please don't let this kill the thread!

Could you take into consideration pnd? I know it doesn't make it right. But I suffer from pnd, and anxiety. And due to not being parented well, my reaction to anxiety is to get upset/angry with ds or dh or anyone else is causing anxiety.

I would hate that someone judged me because of how I was acting during an attack. Not saying I hit my child or agree with it, but I have shouted at him because I can't handle it anymore. But once I calm down I apologise. I understand its not right.

But I'm still trying to work out right meds and going to therapy. I'm great most of the time, but still have my moments. I understand its wrong to be like this, I am honestly trying.

I guess my point is try not to judge others by one moment in their parenting. Because you don't necessarily know their story. I know it doesn't make abuse ok, just something to think about.

Kids will push you. You will yell, you will get angry and feel like you're at the end if your tether. That's so completely normal.

I think it's how you react afterwards that matters. Apologising for losing your temper teaches your child to do the same when they say hurtful things too. I don't think your kids need you to be perfect but they need you to teach them how to recover from their mistakes by showing how you recover from yours.

My personal opinion is that smacking is a lazy way to parent. It's easier to smack and get that instant fear reaction which stops the child doing what you don't want the child to do then trying to think of others ways around the problem. When you have 3 kids underfoot, it's a big ask of a parent. But not impossible.

It's harder as a parent to choose not to smack. To distract, to talk through it, to manage that tantrum with calmness. I know I certainly can't do calmness very well but I do it enough to get through it without smacking. I won't smack. I have 4 kids between 6 and 23 and I've never smacked. So I know it's possible.

I was smacked as a kid. For most of my teens I thought it didn't affect me. Then I had my daughter - one look at her and I knew I'd never raise a hand to her. And yet she has certainly pushed me to my limit in her 23 years. But I maintain that I'd sooner hit a stranger than my own flesh and blood, no matter how 'soft' that smack may be.

Kids don't NEED to be smacked to be taught. So why do it? Why teach your child fear at such a young age? Smacked kids are scared. I have seen it in their eyes too (my sister smacks) and it makes my heart break.

I tried smacking his hand once when he was playing with the oven. But it broke my heart, and all it taught him was to hit people when your upset with them. So have decided it is not a parenting style I want to use. I too find it hard to watch children get smacked. I feel it is a breach of trust. I love my son so much, why would I want to hurt him.